Dating and Girls these days

[pianistclare]

If a person lies about her past, this could be grounds for annulment under provision:
Error about a quality of a person (Canon 1097, sec. 2).

If people are getting married and in advance, hedging their chances for annulment, then that also would be grounds for annulment.
One should go into marriage with all intent to stay married and be faithful. This notion of “just in case this doesn’t work out” is ludicrous.
It’s one thing to have standards, it’s another to expect perfection and then get all bent if the person you marry is imperfect. Note to self: EVERYONE is imperfect.
Doesn’t anyone just trust the in Lord anymore? I prayed for a good spouse, and God provided. The laundry list mentality is sure to disappoint.

 

[kozlosap]

As a 62 year old woman, I can safely say that I believe that a man or woman being a virgin at the time of our marriage would rank very low on my “list” of important criteria when choosing a spouse. I think that higher on the list would be love of God, intelligence, humor, love of children, a good work ethic, etc. in fact, I can’t see where the virgin requirement would even matter. If you are worried that a woman who has had sex will look upon you as inexperienced or behind the times, I would guess from your posts that you would not want to marry someone you are not madly in love with and she with you too. You are only a virgin ONCE in your sex life, so live, love and learn from your wife whom you will love.

Young women don’t walk around with yellow post-it notes on their foreheads that proclaim “I’m a Virgin”, so going into any relationship with that expectation is totally off base. I’m praying for you to meet young adults such as yourself and have fun in group activities while you learn how to socialize.

 

[zarek]

You’re only 22? And this is on your mind at this stage in life?
Come on.
you’re kidding right?
I have 2 virgins living in my house…way beautiful, faithful Catholic young ladies.
What are you doing to meet young women like them?
You say your views are strict. Start there. Lighten up. Values are good. Painting yourself in a corner?
Not so much.

Im confused. Whats wrong with having this on my mind at this stage in life?
And I dont really know what to do or how to meet these people. Its unlikely I will meet them through friends since most of my friends are nothing like what Id want in a girl. And I cant help putting myself in a corner. Would you rather me just loosen up because everyone else is?

Right.

Chaste young women won’t jump on your lap. They’re also generally not hanging out at bars. The smart ones also don’t go around saying, “I’m a virgin!!!” because it’s like chumming shark-filled waters.

If you want to meet one, improve and expand your life.

Get a move on, because the ones your age are mostly going to be getting married very soon.

… Everyone here is assuming im expecting girls to have post-it notes on their heads proclaiming them to be virgins… I am not. I want to date girls that I feel are right. If I learn that they are not virgins after I start dating, ill see then. But I am not going around trying to decipher a girls virginity before I consider dating them. Secondly, I have no idea where to meet the types of girls I would like. Its hard now since I am no longer in college.

 

[pianistclare]

Im confused. Whats wrong with having this on my mind at this stage in life?
And I dont really know what to do or how to meet these people. Its unlikely I will meet them through friends since most of my friends are nothing like what Id want in a girl. And I cant help putting myself in a corner. Would you rather me just loosen up because everyone else is?

… Everyone here is assuming im expecting girls to have post-it notes on their heads proclaiming them to be virgins… I am not. I want to date girls that I feel are right. If I learn that they are not virgins after I start dating, ill see then. But I am not going around trying to decipher a girls virginity before I consider dating them. Secondly, I have no idea where to meet the types of girls I would like. Its hard now since I am no longer in college.

We can only go by what YOU write.
22 is young. We can tell by your writing that you don’t have a lot of dating experience.
I don’t think anyone has suggested that you “loosen up”. The fact that your interpretation of what posters write in response to your words is way off, says that you probably misread in social situations as well.
Where to meet young Catholic women who are chaste? try church. The Newman center of the local university…daily Mass, volunteer groups for the homeless, the poor, crisis pregnancy centers.
The college Catholic centers are open to people of all ages. Retirees go to those Masses all the time.

To say that your posts sound doom and gloom puts it lightly.
This should be the most free, most fun time of your life. Don’t get into this habit that many single young men get into:
“woe is me…there are no nice girls anymore”…
That’s a real turn-off for nice girls. No one can live up to those expectations.
Not even you.
Good luck.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

We can only go by what YOU write.
22 is young. We can tell by your writing that you don’t have a lot of dating experience.
I don’t think anyone has suggested that you “loosen up”. The fact that your interpretation of what posters write in response to your words is way off, says that you probably misread in social situations as well.
Where to meet young Catholic women who are chaste? try church. The Newman center of the local university…daily Mass, volunteer groups for the homeless, the poor, crisis pregnancy centers.
The college Catholic centers are open to people of all ages. Retirees go to those Masses all the time.

To say that your posts sound doom and gloom puts it lightly.
**This should be the most free, most fun time of your life. Don’t get into this habit that many single young men get into: **“woe is me…there are no nice girls anymore”…
That’s a real turn-off for nice girls. No one can live up to those expectations.
Not even you.
Good luck.

Yep! You should be having fun! Fun doesn’t equal immoral, btw. But be young and have fun.

 

[on_the_hill]

Wow. Thanks for all the replies. Ive never used a forum before and i kinda find it hard who to respond too.

You’ve been through college and never used a forum before?

 

[Xantippe]

Im confused. Whats wrong with having this on my mind at this stage in life?
And I dont really know what to do or how to meet these people. Its unlikely I will meet them through friends since most of my friends are nothing like what Id want in a girl. And I cant help putting myself in a corner. Would you rather me just loosen up because everyone else is?

**Find better friends, develop your faith, and do good.

Also, bear in mind that birds of a feather flock together. Would the sort of woman you are interested in be willing to spend time with your friends? If not, maybe you need different friends. If your friends are bad enough, the fact that you spend time with them may be repelling suitable young women.**

… Everyone here is assuming im expecting girls to have post-it notes on their heads proclaiming them to be virgins… I am not. I want to date girls that I feel are right. If I learn that they are not virgins after I start dating, ill see then. But I am not going around trying to decipher a girls virginity before I consider dating them.

Good! You had us worried.

Secondly, I have no idea where to meet the types of girls I would like. Its hard now since I am no longer in college.

If you didn’t date in college, it’s hard to see how things could be worse for you now.

 

[zarek]

We can only go by what YOU write.
22 is young. We can tell by your writing that you don’t have a lot of dating experience.
I don’t think anyone has suggested that you “loosen up”. The fact that your interpretation of what posters write in response to your words is way off, says that you probably misread in social situations as well.
Where to meet young Catholic women who are chaste? try church. The Newman center of the local university…daily Mass, volunteer groups for the homeless, the poor, crisis pregnancy centers.
The college Catholic centers are open to people of all ages. Retirees go to those Masses all the time.

To say that your posts sound doom and gloom puts it lightly.
This should be the most free, most fun time of your life. Don’t get into this habit that many single young men get into:
“woe is me…there are no nice girls anymore”…
That’s a real turn-off for nice girls. No one can live up to those expectations.
Not even you.
Good luck.

I do not have any dating experience. And i dont tend to misread social situations badly. I am just new to forums.

---

And i dont want to meet only catholic women. Id prefer to, but religion is not a big factor. And its not so easy going to a church anymore. Im not catholic anymore. And i can not bring myself to walk into a church again. Ill be too upset/and or angry to focus on meeting people and having fun. (I know. This is another issue entirely).

And this should be the most free and fun time of myself. But since leaving college, its really been worse.

 

[Xantippe]

I do not have any dating experience. And i dont tend to misread social situations badly. I am just new to forums.​

And i dont want to meet only catholic women. Id prefer to, but religion is not a big factor. And its not so easy going to a church anymore. Im not catholic anymore. And i can not bring myself to walk into a church again. Ill be too upset/and or angry to focus on meeting people and having fun. (I know. This is another issue entirely).

And this should be the most free and fun time of myself. But since leaving college, its really been worse.

Therapy?

You seem to have a lot of issues.

 

[pianistclare]

I do not have any dating experience. And i dont tend to misread social situations badly. I am just new to forums.

---

And i dont want to meet only catholic women. Id prefer to, but religion is not a big factor. And its not so easy going to a church anymore. Im not catholic anymore. And i can not bring myself to walk into a church again. Ill be too upset/and or angry to focus on meeting people and having fun. (I know. This is another issue entirely).

And this should be the most free and fun time of myself. But since leaving college, its really been worse.

So…you’re not doing anything wrong then.
Seems like you’ve got all the answers.
Maybe deal with the church issues first.
Your relationship with Christ is the one that will sustain you into eternity.
God’s blessing on you as you try to figure it out.

 

[zarek]

Therapy?

You seem to have a lot of issues.

Eh. I have had some. And its better than it seems. Im able to make friends and function socially. A lot of my coworkers relly like me.

And im sure i dont want to try to improve things with my faith. been there done that

 

[KendraDZ1902]

So you want a girl with good Christian morals, yet you won’t step foot inside of a church. Buddy, a girl with good Christian morals is going to be looking for a boy with her same morals, which would include, idk, going to church.
If a person isn’t deep in their faith. No, sometimes stuff happens and people who are good Christian girls mess up too, so you living a total secular life, you won’t even find a good girl who is a sinner, yet trying her best.
Most people in their 20s, especially those who don’t attend church, are going to be having sex. Just the way it works.

 

[Tomdstone]

So you want a girl with good Christian morals, yet you won’t step foot inside of a church. Buddy, a girl with good Christian morals is going to be looking for a boy with her same morals, which would include, idk, going to church.

Not necessarily. Moral behavior does not require a religious basis according to Albert Einstein who said : “A man’s ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties and needs; no religious basis is necessary.”
“Religion and Science,” New York Times Magazine, 1930.
Even earlier, the Euthyphro dilemma of Socrates effectively refutes the notion that morality requires a person goes to a church.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Not necessarily. Moral behavior does not require a religious basis according to Albert Einstein who said : “A man’s ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties and needs; no religious basis is necessary.”
“Religion and Science,” New York Times Magazine, 1930.
Even earlier, the Euthyphro dilemma of Socrates effectively refutes the notion that morality requires a person goes to a church.

Most people who are church goers, typically would want their mate to go, as well. He said he won’t even step foot inside a church. It’s like he wants the “perks” of a devout Christian without the commitment of actual church. Good luck.

 

[Loly_Maria]

And i dont want to meet only catholic women. Id prefer to, but religion is not a big factor. And its not so easy going to a church anymore. Im not catholic anymore. And i can not bring myself to walk into a church again. Ill be too upset/and or angry to focus on meeting people and having fun. (I know. This is another issue entirely).

Christian women who value chastity and have also never had sex, are very unlikely to be looking for a partner who won’t go to church. The majority will be looking for men who are serious about Christianity, and probably men who care more about chastity as a virtue rather than ‘virginity’ as a social construct.

I know that you said that religion is not a big factor, and there are definitely non-religious people who want to save sex until marriage. But, there is really no way of knowing who has had sex and who hasn’t, and it would - IMO - be very unfair to start dating someone and then break up with them because you couldn’t deal with finding out that they had had another partner before you.

 

[Xantippe]

Most people who are church goers, typically would want their mate to go, as well. He said he won’t even step foot inside a church. It’s like he wants the “perks” of a devout Christian without the commitment of actual church. Good luck.

Yeah.

 

[Xantippe]

Christian women who value chastity and have also never had sex, are very unlikely to be looking for a partner who won’t go to church. The majority will be looking for men who are serious about Christianity, and probably men who care more about chastity as a virtue rather than ‘virginity’ as a social construct.

Yes. And frankly, a non-religious person that is really into virginity runs a very high chance of being a creepy weirdo, so the OP has that obstacle in front of him.

 

[Xantippe]

Not necessarily. Moral behavior does not require a religious basis according to Albert Einstein who said : “A man’s ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties and needs; no religious basis is necessary.”
“Religion and Science,” New York Times Magazine, 1930.
Even earlier, the Euthyphro dilemma of Socrates effectively refutes the notion that morality requires a person goes to a church.

Maybe, but in the case of sex, KendraDZ1902 is quite right.

To give another example, it’s like trying to find a woman that keeps kosher but doesn’t actually practice the rest of Judaism. It’s not literally impossible (those do exist), but having that particular standard immediately shrinks one’s dating pool to practically nothing.

 

[BlossomingFaith]

Hello.
I am a 22 year old guy and I just joined catholic forums because ive had something on my mind for the past few months, and have not really found anyone that i can talk to about this situation. First of all, I was born and raised catholic. I was heavily involve din the catholic church while in college. However, I would not consider myself catholic now (but thats not the important part). Ive lived a very umm… pure life. Never done drugs. I have never had alcohol. Never had sex or anything close. Never had a girlfriend either.

What is bothering me most of all is that most of the girls out there (my age) are all sexually active. VERY VERY VERY few are not. This is a huge problem for me becuase i would rather a girl be a virgin for me to date her. (I have no intention of having sex till after i get married). I feel bad however for having this preference in girls. Most of the friends I have talked to have said that I should not let someone’s sexual history have an effect on how i view the person. And I understand their point. But I am abstaining for sex because i want to only be with ONE person my whole life. I dont want to have more that one sexual partners after i get married, becuase I dont want to have had an intimate connection with anyone else but my wife. And I want the same thing reciprocated…

I have been where you are and without going into specifics of my life, I would like to give some advice.
Women who are virginal may feel the same way and may have difficulty meeting people like you. There are many wonderful women out there.
Don’t feel bad about your own preferences. In fact, my advice is to accept that you have this preference and try not to make it the centerpiece of your life. It is just one preference and it is who you are right now. If you meet a person, remind yourself to get to know them as an entire person.
You made choices in life and you should feel proud of them. Own the choices youve made. Whether or not others made the same choice, your virginity still has value and it doesnt diminish if others made different choices. The right person will appreciate and value your choice even if she made different ones.
Do not let it push you away from the Church. I was away for many years and I regret it. Whether or not you find a virginal spouse, God loves you. God is not Santa Claus. He does not give us everything we want. We pray that His will be done, not ours. If you feel a spiritual emptiness, if you feel angry at God, this is what you need to work on now, before you can be a good spouse.
I would recommend forcing yourself to be social and meeting people for coffee, lunch, maybe a social group, etc. Consciously make an effort to look for the good in each person and identify what you like about them. Listen to them. You will be learning how to be in a relationship little by little.
I hope this helps. Again, your thoughts may be different from mine but I wanted to share as someone who has felt the same way. I wish you the best. I learned that in marriage, there are much bigger things. The person who will hold your hand when you are in the hospital is the person you want.

 

[kozlosap]

Yep! You should be having fun! Fun doesn’t equal immoral, btw. But be young and have fun.

Here in the Diocese of Sacramento, the Bishop has closed the three major Newman Centers at UC Davis, CSU Sacramento and CSU Chico. Needless to say, the students and their families are devastated. I can’t speak about this anymore since I’m so angry about the situation and I do not want to be kicked off of CAF for being uncharitable to a bishop.