Dating and marrying noncatholics

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Oddly, the people you pair up with, aren’t always your religion. As i look back, every single girl I was ever truly attracted to was not even catholic. As I think even more, the happiest couple’s I knew weren’t even of the same faith. I wondered, becuase I did know some people who were dating who were of the same catholic faith. And, well, their relationships made me think that I shouldn’t even look for someone of the same faith (it was that bad, i’m not kidding). Sometimes, the person who makes you happiest won’t be of the same faith and probably never will be. But, if you love them and if they love you then you can be happy with them.
 
Oddly, the people you pair up with, aren’t always your religion. As i look back, every single girl I was ever truly attracted to was not even catholic. As I think even more, the happiest couple’s I knew weren’t even of the same faith. I wondered, becuase I did know some people who were dating who were of the same catholic faith. And, well, their relationships made me think that I shouldn’t even look for someone of the same faith (it was that bad, i’m not kidding). Sometimes, the person who makes you happiest won’t be of the same faith and probably never will be. But, if you love them and if they love you then you can be happy with them.
If your religion does not inform your life habits or your theories on raising children, it would work out just fine; there would be no areas of conflict - but then again, what would be the point of such a religion? 🤷

The test of a good religion is that it should completely wreck your whole life. 😃
 
If your religion does not inform your life habits or your theories on raising children, it would work out just fine; there would be no areas of conflict - but then again, what would be the point of such a religion?
Right, because all Catholics that date or marry non-Catholics are inherently “bad Catholics” that don’t infuse their religion into their lives or into the lives of their children. :rolleyes:
 
Right, because all Catholics that date or marry non-Catholics are inherently “bad Catholics” that don’t infuse their religion into their lives or into the lives of their children. :rolleyes:
How are they able to do so, since the other parent (with equal authority over the children) is leading them in a different direction, if they consider their own religion to be important, or else telling the children (either by their words, or their actions of not going to Church) that religion is optional and unimportant? 🤷
 
How are they able to do so, since the other parent (with equal authority over the children) is leading them in a different direction, if they consider their own religion to be important, or else telling the children (either by their words, or their actions of not going to Church) that religion is optional and unimportant? 🤷
If you divide the world into “Catholic” and “Non-Catholic” and work on the assumption that all things non-Catholic are inherently diametrically opposed to Catholicism, then your comments are correct.
 
If you divide the world into “Catholic” and “Non-Catholic” and work on the assumption that all things non-Catholic are inherently diametrically opposed to Catholicism, then your comments are correct.
I can’t think of a single religion out there that doesn’t contradict the Catholic Faith on at least one point. Even Orthodoxy, though very “Catholic-like” in daily life, refuses the authority of the Pope - your Orthodox spouse would teach your children to receive the Pope’s commands as “suggestions,” rather than feel obliged to obey them.
 
I can’t think of a single religion out there that doesn’t contradict the Catholic Faith on at least one point. Even Orthodoxy, though very “Catholic-like” in daily life, refuses the authority of the Pope - your Orthodox spouse would teach your children to receive the Pope’s commands as “suggestions,” rather than feel obliged to obey them.
Based on your line of logic, either you assume that the two parents are in constant conflict attempting to sway a child, or that the child is taught the topic of papal authority at a sufficiently young age that they are incapable of independent thought and therefore accept whatever a parent teaches as fact.

There are two things that happen with the development of children as they age, 1) they become more intelligent and are able to understand more complex problems and 2) they become capable of independently judging a scenario and making an informed decision.

As parents, if you have a fundamental disagreement about something such as religion, as long as the problem is sufficiently complex enough that the child reaches the age where he/ she is capable enough to make an independent assessment of the scenario before he/she understands the concept fully, there is no problem. So religions that are similar, such as Catholicism and Orthodoxy in your example, differ at a complex level: papal authority. At what point does the concept of papal authority begin to affect the life the child? Unless you’re teaching your 4 year old to read using papal encyclicals, it’s not going to crop up until later in life. By the time the child has been taught Catholic doctrine (and presumably also Orthodox doctrine) and would be able to assess the disagreement from that framework.

Now something as basic as Islam and Christianity would be a problem. At a very young age, a child would be taught conflicting things at a very basic level. I’m not really sure how that could be dealt with appropriately (not saying it can’t be, just that I don’t really know how). In most cases of extreme disparity that I’ve seen, usually one parent is religious and teaches the child, while the other parent kind of “butts out”. The nice thing about Catholicism and most other non-Catholic Christians is that at a very base level (what’s appropriate to teach a young child), the beliefs are the same.
 
Based on your line of logic, either you assume that the two parents are in constant conflict attempting to sway a child, or that the child is taught the topic of papal authority at a sufficiently young age that they are incapable of independent thought and therefore accept whatever a parent teaches as fact.
Your job as a parent is to get your child into Heaven (along with your spouse, if possible) - not to offer him an intellectual puzzle from which he will make a choice between either you or his other parent.
 
Your job as a parent is to get your child into Heaven (along with your spouse, if possible) - not to offer him an intellectual puzzle from which he will make a choice between either you or his other parent.
No one said that. However, you can’t force a 15 year old child to believe anything. Have you tried? Your goal is to instill a sense of right and wrong, and teach them about God and the Church at a young age. You can force them to go to Mass on Sundays, you can force them to go through the Sacraments, but what they believe after around 12 can’t be forced.

If both parents have similar enough faiths that children are taught consistently and uniformly through age 12, then there’s not a problem. After that, you can’t force any belief, but rather try to explain the situation and hope that they were taught properly and accept truth.

One thing that’s also missing in the discussion between Catholics and non-Catholics marrying is that there’s a very high conversation rate among non-Catholics (I don’t have any statistics, but that’s anecdotal).
 
No one said that. However, you can’t force a 15 year old child to believe anything.
That’s why you don’t wait to begin their education until they’re 15, and why you don’t send them confusing messages when they are little. (You go to Hell if you don’t go to Church, but Daddy doesn’t go to Church - is Daddy going to Hell? Don’t you dare speak about your father like that! But, is he, or not? How come I can’t stay home with Daddy? If Daddy’s not going to Hell for not going to Church, then why would I go to Hell for not going to Church?)

By the time they are 15, it should just be an unquestioned assumption that “all normal people go to Church,” (because nobody they know at home has ever not gone to Church) and that “Of course Jesus speaks to us through the Church; that’s why we have a Pope” and “It’s bad if people aren’t kind to each other.” You don’t wait until that time to start telling them about the Pope, and you don’t put them in a situation where someone they love and respect is going to disagree with basic fundamental ideas like that.
Have you tried? Your goal is to instill a sense of right and wrong, and teach them about God and the Church at a young age.
While your spouse is teaching them about a different church, or else modeling that church isn’t really all that important.
You can force them to go to Mass on Sundays, you can force them to go through the Sacraments, but what they believe after around 12 can’t be forced.
What they believe at age 12 will be whatever they were shown by both parents (not merely told) between the ages of 2 and 5. As an anecdotal experience, in my case, both of my parents were church-goers when I was that age. By the time my brother was about 3 or 4 my father had stopped attending services. I continued to attend Church throughout my teen years because it had been rooted deep into my psyche that “you just go to Church and that’s that” - my brother didn’t - he had been shown that, “Well, it’s not required, if you think you are too busy for it”. Those 3-4 years when the rational mind is developing are absolutely crucial, I think.
If both parents have similar enough faiths that children are taught consistently and uniformly through age 12, then there’s not a problem.
Which is why both partners should be Catholics. There are enough differences between Catholics that the child will get all the “choices” he needs in life. Besides, it doesn’t matter how similar your partner’s church is to the Catholic Church; your child will certainly notice that he or she is not going to Mass with the rest of the family.
After that, you can’t force any belief, but rather try to explain the situation and hope that they were taught properly and accept truth.
You have two parents teaching the child. Each with equal authority. How is the child to know which one is teaching “the truth”? And how is it teaching properly, to present two different points of view as if they were both equally valid? (Or worse, to tell your child that her other parent’s faith isn’t valid.)
One thing that’s also missing in the discussion between Catholics and non-Catholics marrying is that there’s a very high conversation rate among non-Catholics (I don’t have any statistics, but that’s anecdotal).
There is, but there is also an extremely high recidivism rate among adults who convert for marriage - usually, the reason is so that their spouse can be married in the Church and so that their children can go to Catholic schools, and once that goal has been accomplished, they don’t really continue in the practice of the faith.

Those who convert because they have become convinced of the claims of the Catholic Church are a totally different story, of course.
 
How are they able to do so, since the other parent (with equal authority over the children) is leading them in a different direction, if they consider their own religion to be important, or else telling the children (either by their words, or their actions of not going to Church) that religion is optional and unimportant? 🤷
Division of labor is one solution to this dilemma IMO. Granted my husband doesn’t really have a ‘religion’ per say (he’s not baptized anything), but he agreed prior to our marriage that our children would be raised in the Catholic faith. So while, on occasion he has differing moral opinions than I do, he follows my lead on religious/moral issues. In other words, when it comes time for our son to go to 1st Communion, I will be the one teaching him as much as possible - not my husband. However, we both say prayers w/ him at bed-time & meals - Catholic prayers that I also taught my husband. It is my goal to train not only my children up in the Catholic faith, but also to subtly & slowly bring my husband into complete compliance w/ the Church. He has already embraced NFP as an alternative to artificial birth control and attends Mass w/ me about 50% of the time. He asks questions about the why’s, how’s, and what’s of the Catholic faith as they occur to him. However, when/if our children ever come to him w/ a moral issue he will most likely defer to me &/or give them the closest advice that he knows from my example. In other words, he’s learning & going to try to follow my moral/religious lead.

Long story short… Just b/c parents are different ‘religions’ doesn’t mean they’re going to contradict one another. Heck, lots of Catholics disagree on key issues as well (abortion, death penalty, women priests, married priests, etc) and some of those disagreeing Catholics are married!
 
What they believe at age 12 will be whatever they were shown by both parents (not merely told) between the ages of 2 and 5. As an anecdotal experience, in my case, both of my parents were church-goers when I was that age. By the time my brother was about 3 or 4 my father had stopped attending services. I continued to attend Church throughout my teen years because it had been rooted deep into my psyche that “you just go to Church and that’s that” - my brother didn’t - he had been shown that, “Well, it’s not required, if you think you are too busy for it”. Those 3-4 years when the rational mind is developing are absolutely crucial, I think.
My own experience was that my Dad went to church only on Christmas and sometimes Easter, before he reverted to Catholicism when I was 15. I do remember my Catholic relatives telling me Mom and Dad weren’t really married, however.
 
It is my goal to train not only my children up in the Catholic faith, but also to subtly & slowly bring my husband into complete compliance w/ the Church.
Just don’t let him feel like he’s being tricked into it, or pressured, OK? 🙂
 
Just don’t let him feel like he’s being tricked into it, or pressured, OK? 🙂
Nope - I’m very open & honest about my intentions! My mom & I even joked b/4 we got on the plane (hubby had never flown & has serious anxiety issues) that we were going to baptize him w/ spit to make sure that he was safe if the plane went down. He also has already attended RCIA (when we were engaged & first married) only to drop out right b/4 becoming a catechumen (he’d signed the Bishop’s book). So he knows the goal is for him to get ‘dunked’ as he calls it. Actually, I even asked him to get baptized when we baptized our son. He cried during our son’s baptism (so he’s moved by the Spirit somewhat), but he’s holding out on the ‘obligations’ and ‘responsibilities’ associated w/ being fully Catholic. 😉 He really just wants to be left alone to do his own thing, but assured that he’s going to Heaven. I know better than to try to trick him! A little pressure is all I’ve done & I was very open about it. We joke about it! Thanks though!
 
Not if the non-Catholic parent goes to Mass with the family.
Which would be hypocrisy against his own religion - which again requires that he be lukewarm about his own faith, or else that he have already one foot stepped into the Catholic Church (in which case, why not simply become a Catholic? 🤷 )
 
Which would be hypocrisy against his own religion - which again requires that he be lukewarm about his own faith )
If Catholicism really is the one true religion then how can it possibly be a bad thing if a person becomes lukewarm to their non-Catholic faith as a result of attending Catholic Mass?

How in the heck are we supposed to gain any converts here?
 
If Catholicism really is the one true religion then how can it possibly be a bad thing if a person becomes lukewarm to their non-Catholic faith as a result of attending Catholic Mass?

How in the heck are we supposed to gain any converts here?
Marriage is not about conversion. Marriage is about accepting each other AS YOU ARE. It is a betrayal of the marriage vow, if you expect/want your spouse to convert. The marriage bed is not supposed to be a field of evangelism.

If you want to convert people, then evangelize them. But don’t betray their hearts by pretending to love them as they are, and then trying to convert them.

Gain converts by doing evangelism.

Gain a marriage partner by finding someone who already shares your core values, whom you consider to be your equal partner in all things, with whom you will work and cooperate together to establish a home and family. (Rather than working against them, or working around them.)
 
I find this a really interesting topic because I was a non-Catholic whan I married my Catholic husband, and it’s always interesting to hear about what other Catholics think about that…
…If you are setting the example of being a good Catholic, and your partner understands and respects your faith and loves you then of course it can work.
McCabe, your story and mine are very similar, only it was my wife who was cradle Catholic. Perhaps “fallen away Catholics” should only marry non-Catholics so they can come back to the church together. 😉

BY the way I just happened upon this conversion story I wrote ten years ago.

*I am from Wichita Kansas. I have been a Catholic for eleven years. My wife and I are members of St. Mary’s Cathedral where I sing with the choir.

I was born in the late forties into a very religious family. My grandmother was the matriarch of a conservative evangelical church, which though not affiliated with any major denomination, would have appeared to an outsider to be somewhere between the Amish and Southern Baptists. We were actually closely aligned with the Quakers but most people don’t know much about that denomination, other than the breakfast cereal.

Although Catholics are a small minority in this part of the country, my first experience with “anything Catholic” was in public high school. In my senior year I sang in a select choir that performed several works based on the liturgy. I was really enthralled by the Vivaldi Gloria and right away went about the task of translating the text. It surprised me how “scriptural” it was: There was nothing about glorification of Mary above Jesus, no buying sinners out of hell, no magic words or incantations – and it spoke of Christ’s as “Savior” and refereed to his death, resurrection, and second coming. I didn’t know Catholics even believed in the resurrection! After all, didn’t all their churches have those statues with him still on the cross?

All of this was fascinating but I refused to allow myself to be drawn into “Catholicism”. After all, I was convinced that God had called me to be a missionary and I was going to Bible College that very next year. My plans were to get my degree, marry my childhood sweetheart (who happened to be the daughter of our minister), and move to Ecuador and win back the souls of all those poor Catholics in Latin America.

Well, I went to college and lost my faith when I ran into Calvinism; the preacher’s daughter married someone else; and I spent the next thirty years running away from God. My life took a different turn however when I met Edith, a cradle Catholic from the Philippines who had drifted away from the Church but hadn’t lost her faith. What an extraordinary woman! She had the beguiling charm of a Mata Hari but the faith of a saint. “DaDing” (her name in her native, Ibanag) was the most beautiful woman I had ever met and I fell madly in love! I guess she saw some potential in me because we were married in civil ceremony, one month after our first date. We then proceeded to the difficult task of building a “Brady Bunch” family out of two pairs of teenagers from two very different cultures.

From time to time in the next couple years, I took Ding to various Catholic churches in the area. I have to admit that for the most part I wasn’t impressed with the proceedings, but occasionally like when the priest raised the host, something stirred deep inside me. God moves in mysterious ways. Sometimes even through a Realtor! The third year of our marriage we bought a house in the oldest part of Wichita, just down the street from St. Mary’s Cathedral. That next Easter Sunday we attended Mass at the cathedral and the beauty and spirituality of the liturgy really touched me. I was reminded of some thirty-five years earlier when I had been so moved by the Vivaldi Gloria. I knew I had found my home. Two years later, Edith and I received Christ in the Eucharist together after consecrating our marriage before God and His Church at the Cathedral.
*
 
hello all

I am a non-catholic who is married to a catholic and our marriage couldn’t be better. I think there are a few things to keep in mind however before jumping into marriage with anyone.
First- a realization that God comes first- no matter how much your views differ- if one or both parties feel like their relationship with God is being compromised, get out of it! (* I think this also applies to a broader spectrum- even two people of the same faith can have this problem)

Second- I think there has to be a mutual respect and understanding from both parties. If both people are willing to talk/understand and communicate their differences and similarities, (realizing religion and God should never be compromised)- even two Catholics who stand under the same religious umbrella can have completely different views/beliefs-so these things should be discussed
Also- I have to add that I think that questioning your faith is a good thing. Regardless of your beliefs- my husbands/my faith have been strengthened tremendously by us questioning one another- as long as it is done in an encouraging and loving way- I think there is no room not to have questions.

Third- of course this is obvious- but knowing and loving each other. Before we got married, we knew each other for a long time. However, it took us both a lot of praying and time to work through where we stood and if we were comfortable with marrying someone of different beliefs. Obviously marrying someone with different beliefs is not for everyone. But I think in general- with any two people- differences shouldn’t be made light of- but the similarities shouldn’t be either. We have so many commonalities in our faith, and that’s what makes it so special to worship together. I feel like my faith is respected and cherished as much as he cherishes mine- and I wish this great fortune on everyone! I am not saying it’s not hard- of course it is- but all marriages have their own crosses/difficulties. And I am so thankful that I have found such a supportive husband who will walk me down the aisle to God.
 
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