Daughter is indifferent to parent's deal for her education

[EasterJoy]

You are right about treating her as if she is 2-3 years younger. She is still immature in many aspects. (A concern for her going away) However, she feels optimistic about this new school and the program. I never saw her this excited. I just hope she won’t be disappointed or find it too difficult. I have to investigate to see if they have special resource aid for students with her difficulties.

I am going to speak to my DH about your rule on productivity and sharing the household chores. I like that you took the time to give details and they are totally logical and in line with my views.

I always emphasized on volunteer work if they were not able to find an actual paying job but unfortunately both my children are not that keen on it. I can’t understand why when I did so much of it during their lives. You would think that it would rub off on them. At least they help my parents and family when they go over.

As for paying rent, well when she turns 18, which is soon, I will consider it. Until now I feel it is a parent’s duty. But I will definitely make it a point to contribute in some small way. She has herself proposed to keep the money she makes to pay for her own education. I know that she wants to be independent but she has to overcome her insecurity is she is to go into the workforce.

Right now, I want her to get registered for the course she needs to get into the program and find at least a part-time job.

In my family, we lived at home as long as we wanted to, and never paid rent. My parents did not need it, and they did not ask for it. We were expected to pitch in with the work like an adult, though. We did get to keep what we made at our jobs, and some of the siblings stayed at home well after being out of college, but the rule was that nobody gets to be on vacation while everyone else works. That isn’t fair to the others in the house who are working. If you don’t get a job, then congratulations, you would be the live-in help. Well, unless the time didn’t work out in-between projects, everybody decided to get a job and put away some money rather than work for Mom and Dad for free, LOL!

Some moved out as soon as getting a job that would support a place to live on their own, while others lived at home well into their late 20s. (After graduating college, there was no curfew, only an expectation you’d tell someone so that the rest of the house would know when you’d be going and when you’d be home. That’s just courtesy.)

I’d expect that your daughter is going to want to be independent as soon as she can. Most of the people I know who stayed at home with their parents were the opposite of ADHD. They were homebodies and mature for their age, people who would have had essentially the same rules if they had moved out as they did at home, so why move out?

 

[Deo_Gratias42]

She is 17 going on 18 soon. All I can ask of her is to be responsible and pay her outings, that kind of stuff. We are willing to pay her education. She knows she needs one. Lets hope to find the right one.

When does she turn 18? The vast majority of colleges and universities in other provinces require students to be at least 18 years old.

 

[jmcrae]

When does she turn 18? The vast majority of colleges and universities in other provinces require students to be at least 18 years old.

They do?

as it happens I took a gap year to work and save money when I was 17, but most of my peers were in University at that age. Have things changed?

 

[Still_Hoping]

In my family, we lived at home as long as we wanted to, and never paid rent. My parents did not need it, and they did not ask for it. We were expected to pitch in with the work like an adult, though. We did get to keep what we made at our jobs, and some of the siblings stayed at home well after being out of college, but the rule was that nobody gets to be on vacation while everyone else works. That isn’t fair to the others in the house who are working. If you don’t get a job, then congratulations, you would be the live-in help. Well, unless the time didn’t work out in-between projects, everybody decided to get a job and put away some money rather than work for Mom and Dad for free, LOL!

Some moved out as soon as getting a job that would support a place to live on their own, while others lived at home well into their late 20s. (After graduating college, there was no curfew, only an expectation you’d tell someone so that the rest of the house would know when you’d be going and when you’d be home. That’s just courtesy.)

I’d expect that your daughter is going to want to be independent as soon as she can. Most of the people I know who stayed at home with their parents were the opposite of ADHD. They were homebodies and mature for their age, people who would have had essentially the same rules if they had moved out as they did at home, so why move out?

Thank you for sharing. I find it encouraging to share because I learn a lot from others. Easter joy, in my family we move out when we get married.Slowly, I am starting to see this change. My daughter understands that this is all for her studies but I believe that she will remain there well after her graduation because of the politics and language here. We have family there that she can live with in the meantime. Of course, I will have to establish offering some contribution for room and board. We will get to that later.

I can’t force her to do what I want and she can’t ignore certain expectations that we have of her. COMPROMISE.

My DH wants to write out a contract stating exactly what she wants and is forgoing as a consequence of her decision. This way she cannot hold it against us. I don’t know if this is such a good idea.

 

[Still_Hoping]

When does she turn 18? The vast majority of colleges and universities in other provinces require students to be at least 18 years old.

She will be applying by next year so she will be 18 already. It is good to know. Here in my province you have to be 21 to enter university without a college degree.

 

[Still_Hoping]

My daughter is giving me a hard time. She has a difficult character. She swears back and I really am losing my patience. I do not know how to speak to this child anymore. What is wrong with the picture. I try and try to help her and all she does is expect me to follow her and not listen to me. I give her advice and as soon as she does not like what I have to say she gets antagonistic and even foul. She doesn’t have any confidence she attacks. She needs help and won’t go for it.

This morning all I said was that she can do it. She can take this distance course and finish it before the end of December so that she can get her grade and send it to the new school before February 1st which is the cut off date for applications. She has the nerve to tell me to stop harassing her as she doesn’t know if she will be able to do it. THEN WHAT IS THE POINT! Before speaking again, I simply told her that she is able, to put it in her head that she can instead of can’t or maybe. She kept saying she doesn’t know and that I shouldn’t predict anything and stop pushing her.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! HELP ME AND HELP HER!

 

[mommy_k]

I am sorry you are going through this. The developmental stage for teems is to seperate from their parents and this seems what your daughter is going through. She is also forming her identity.
I would read about this developmental stage to get some tools to show you how to guide your daughter. You can also talk to your priest too.

 

[Still_Hoping]

I am sorry you are going through this. The developmental stage for teems is to seperate from their parents and this seems what your daughter is going through. She is also forming her identity.
I would read about this developmental stage to get some tools to show you how to guide your daughter. You can also talk to your priest too.

This is good advice. I have been told about this and I did some research but mostly got my info through medical practitioners. We did see a social worker together at some point and it really helped. She won’t go now. My DH has more influence but he doesn’t tell her to go and get counselling.

My OBGYN, of all people, confessed to me after I explained that not everything was ok with my child, that her own child did the same thing and it wasn’t until she was 18 that she started to calm down. She made me smile and told me it would be ok.

I guess I still have some time to go. I will do some research for myself.

Thank you and God Bless.

 

[EasterJoy]

My daughter is giving me a hard time. She has a difficult character. She swears back and I really am losing my patience. I do not know how to speak to this child anymore. What is wrong with the picture. I try and try to help her and all she does is expect me to follow her and not listen to me. I give her advice and as soon as she does not like what I have to say she gets antagonistic and even foul. She doesn’t have any confidence she attacks. She needs help and won’t go for it.

This morning all I said was that she can do it. She can take this distance course and finish it before the end of December so that she can get her grade and send it to the new school before February 1st which is the cut off date for applications. She has the nerve to tell me to stop harassing her as she doesn’t know if she will be able to do it. THEN WHAT IS THE POINT! Before speaking again, I simply told her that she is able, to put it in her head that she can instead of can’t or maybe. She kept saying she doesn’t know and that I shouldn’t predict anything and stop pushing her.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! HELP ME AND HELP HER!

You can say, “Hey! You a capable of curbing your mouth at school and not talking like that to your teachers. You are capable of curbing your mouth and not talking like that around people you want to impress. I don’t use foul language to refer to you. You can return the courtesy. You are an adult and I am an adult, and I expect you to do that. Be mad at me, disagree with me, you can have your boundaries and I have mine, but let’s be courteous and let’s both expect to make an apology when we fail.”

Then you can tell her, “Honey, I am not trying to force you to do this. I want you to know I have confidence in you, and not just Mom Confidence. I think your academic advisors would say the same thing: that is, that you are capable of this. You are right, though: Sometimes, we have an inner resistance to doing something–hard to put into words, but very real. I can understand that. Maybe this is something you can do, but not something you’re ready to do right now. You have to know your own mind, I know that. If you’re willing to do something useful with your time around here, either getting a job or volunteering or something else like that, of course I’m not going to force you to force your way through your education. Do believe in yourself, though. That’s not pressure. That’s meant to be encouragement. It’s meant to be a vote of confidence. If you’re afraid, but you want to go forward, have no fear. If you fail, we’ll be here to help you get up and try again. That’s all I want you to know.”

N"ow, OK…your turn. I’ve made our terms clear, I think. You don’t have to school, but you do have to make yourself useful to someone within the month: a job, volunteering, something, and not just 15 hours a week. A real occupation. What are your terms? What do you feel you need? Let’s try to figure out a way to meet in the middle, here. I think we can." Then you listen. Ask questions, but guard against taking her response personally or being a reactor instead of a responder. See how it goes. If it goes badly, apologize and start over. House of Mercy…

I don’t think you have an addict or a demon. I think you have a frustrated young woman who doesn’t know what she wants (or maybe wants to pursue a goal she’s afraid you will think is beneath her capabilities) and feels very anxious and self-conscious about that. As a result, she’s getting overly defensive and taking the “the best defense is a good offense” reaction. It’s very common. Hang in there! Keep praying, but hang in there! Read about the Finding in the Temple! Two perfect people and a saint, and even that family had some misunderstandings and some gradual approaches to consensus. Read the Wedding Feast at Cana, too. Our Lady said her piece, then had the trust to trust her Son to make the decisions that were His alone to make. Letting go and letting God is often what perfection requires the parent of an adult child to do.

 

[mommy_k]

Yes, Easterjoy is right that your daughter should not be using bad language directed at you.

Kids this age do not want to be told what to do.
Two of our children are in college as well, but their personalities and a lot like mine so we get along–they accept my questions when I ask what their plans are.

Many young people follow their parents wishes seeking approval for college majors or schools. What happens is that after a few years–they return to college and seek their own careers because they are unhappy with their parents choice for them.

Your daughter is going through a lot now. Indecision, change, anxiety about the future, pressure and so on-and based on personality, this can get rough… Your job is to guide without adding to the mix. And you too, are going through alot–your baby is becoming an adult who will have to think for herself! It is so hard to let go… It is also extremely difficult to have to sit by and watch a child make mistakes, but they will learn more from their own mistake then from you now.

You have to look at the worse case scenario about her decision, and weigh it against the strife. Which will have a better outcome for your family and your daughter?

 

[Still_Hoping]

Yes, Easterjoy is right that your daughter should not be using bad language directed at you.

Kids this age do not want to be told what to do.
Two of our children are in college as well, but their personalities and a lot like mine so we get along–they accept my questions when I ask what their plans are.

Many young people follow their parents wishes seeking approval for college majors or schools. What happens is that after a few years–they return to college and seek their own careers because they are unhappy with their parents choice for them.

Your daughter is going through a lot now. Indecision, change, anxiety about the future, pressure and so on-and based on personality, this can get rough… Your job is to guide without adding to the mix. And you too, are going through alot–your baby is becoming an adult who will have to think for herself! It is so hard to let go… It is also extremely difficult to have to sit by and watch a child make mistakes, but they will learn more from their own mistake then from you now.

You have to look at the worse case scenario about her decision, and weigh it against the strife. Which will have a better outcome for your family and your daughter?

I have tears in my eyes right now from reading this. I had the hardest time adjusting to her being independent because of her ‘afflictions’. I wanted to protect her too much that she actually rebelled. I didn’t think that I was doing that, I let her have her ways when she wanted to see her friends and stuff. I may have sometimes indulged her but I was always firm until she found out my weakness and used it against me. My husband was way more strict and I had to follow him whether I agreed with him or not. When I didn’t, no matter how I approached him, it had awful consequences. I lived in fear and depression. But I fought my way out. That really hurt her and my daughter resents me for it. I don’t think it normal for us to shoot abusive words at each other. This is why I said that I feel like there is demonic presence in my other thread. It is awful. I can feel something sinister.

Worst case scenario she becomes lazy and does nothing but waste time. However, I don’t think she would last like that. She wants to do something. I just don’t like her impulsivity. She can change her mind at a whim. Usually she will come to her senses. Let us hope that she matures enough by the time she leaves home.

God bless.

 

[mommy_k]

Still Hoping -
Here is a video about launching teens into college etc…in the middle of the video, she goes into depth about the behaviors of teens during this time-some of the behaviors you describe are addressed in the middle of the video. it is a presentation by a developmental psychologist

m.youtube.com/watch?v=CZFeN4J9s08#

 

[Still_Hoping]

I believe it is clearly time for you to adopt a “tough love” approach and not allow your daughter to scream and swear using foul language at home.

You have younger children, this is not good for them to see. Like Easterjoy said your daughter is capable of not swearing, because I would bet that she doesn’t swear at other adults in her life when she is mad.

This is not just about your mother-daughter relationship either, you need to think beyond that how to help your daughter grow into an adult woman. She is developing nasty habits now that will stay with her for years to come. You will have a daughter that yells and screams and swears at her future husband and perhaps even your future grandchildren. Please consider being firm and not allowing that behavior in your home any more, your daughter will respect you for it and it will be healthier for all involved.

Monicad I am afraid it is too late for that. I was firm with her and sometimes too much. I was only half the problem but the other significant half was my husband. He and his family use the “f” word like a bomb. Thank God we don’t see them often anymore, but my husband swears even when he is talking normally. He has changed. Keep in mind that my children saw my husband being abusive to me and later on I rebelled against him. It was my defense mechanism. I fought fire with fire until I realized it was wrong and started to pray intensely. I used abusive words to my child and I regret it and I would often say I was sorry to her that I didn’t mean to say such things but I had every reason to be angry. So she took this as a weakness and would provoke me to the point of shouting and then all hell broke loose. I have been practicing patience but I cannot control what comes out of her mouth or my husband’s but only what comes out of mine.

My husband has made a pact with her that every time she swears he keeps prolonging her wait for her getting into driving school. She wants it badly and we are not paying for it unless she calms down and watches her language. Sadly, it doesn’t always work. Not with me. Now I must watch to not lose my temper even at the point where she is shouting at me and being demeaning and rude. When I remain calm and leave her her space she is able to calm down. Does she excuse herself?! Not really and sometimes I have to remind her.

Do I like her character…no. Do I love her…yes. I will view the link that mommy k provided. I will see what good I can take from it. I will keep you posted.

God Bless

 

[Still_Hoping]

Still Hoping -
Here is a video about launching teens into college etc…in the middle of the video, she goes into depth about the behaviors of teens during this time-some of the behaviors you describe are addressed in the middle of the video. it is a presentation by a developmental psychologist

m.youtube.com/watch?v=CZFeN4J9s08#

Thank you for the link I will view it sometime this week and I will give you some feedback.

God bless

 

[Still_Hoping]

Your husband swears, that is a poor example however your husband does other things that your children are not allowed to do. Your husband probably has unlimited access to the internet, your husband (perhaps) drinks alcohol, your husband does a lot of things because he is an adult and has a position of authority in the home. Just because your husband uses bad language does not give your child that right, especially to swear and degrade you. ** It sounds like your husband is trying to impose some** consequences, that is a good thing, imperfect because of his example but better than nothing.

Yes, my husband does impose consequences, that being said it works to a certain extent.

I fear that you believe since you made mistakes, and were an imperfect mother in the past that you have forfeited your authority. ** You should take back this authority immediately! Tell your daughter that the past is the past, but from now on there will be no degrading of you or no bad language coming out of her mouth at you PERIOD. ** Enforce this with strict consequences. Your daughter’s habit of losing her temper and abusing other is going to make her life very difficult. If you enforce strict rules your daughter will develop the habit of self-control that is an amazing quality to have and will help her, her entire life.

I have told her and I am getting her to respect my authority.

Your obligation to your daughter is not to make her “happy” your **obligation to your daughter is to do all in your power so help her be a good Christian woman. **

My daughter is loyal to the Catholic faith and will defend it but she is also timid and insecure and sometimes follows rather than stands apart. I can understand this and I have taught her since she was a baby. I have shown her many movies on saints to inspire her and I prayed with her every night till she was 12 or 13 years old. After that my husband discouraged my children from doing so telling them that I was a fanatic.

This will be extremely hard because you have to demand respect from a child who is used to not giving it. You will be challenged to give up but don’t, this is a gift for your daughter. Think of how many people you know that have a sense of peace, because they have self-control. Your daughter is being allowed to run loose in this abusive way and will have great difficulty controlling her temper as an adult if you don’t start helping her now. Much easier to start at 17 then to have her future husband try and get her to control her temper at age 30 or even later.

My daughter was very quiet in school and obeyed me until she met some friends and started acting out in grade 6 (preteen years). This was the time that I was being persecuted for my faith by my husband and his family. I believe she will grow with my direction and the HS because Jesus promised me that He would give me whatever I ask in His name. I pray for my family’s salvation.

God Bless.

 

[Still_Hoping]

No it is not too late for any change! Until you or your daughter are dead and gone, it is NEVER too late to try and change, in fact being a good Christian demands that we try and change all through our entire lives, Jesus Christ calls us to conversion!

Your husband swears, that is a poor example however your husband does other things that your children are not allowed to do. Your husband probably has unlimited access to the internet, your husband (perhaps) drinks alcohol, your husband does a lot of things because he is an adult and has a position of authority in the home. Just because your husband uses bad language does not give your child that right, especially to swear and degrade you. It sounds like your husband is trying to impose some consequences, that is a good thing, imperfect because of his example but better than nothing.

I fear that you believe since you made mistakes, and were an imperfect mother in the past that you have forfeited your authority. You should take back this authority immediately! Tell your daughter that the past is the past, but from now on there will be no degrading of you or no bad language coming out of her mouth at you PERIOD. Enforce this with strict consequences. Your daughter’s habit of losing her temper and abusing other is going to make her life very difficult. If you enforce strict rules your daughter will develop the habit of self-control that is an amazing quality to have and will help her, her entire life.

Your obligation to your daughter is not to make her “happy” your obligation to your daughter is to do all in your power so help her be a good Christian woman. This will be extremely hard because you have to demand respect from a child who is used to not giving it. You will be challenged to give up but don’t, this is a gift for your daughter. Think of how many people you know that have a sense of peace, because they have self-control. Your daughter is being allowed to run loose in this abusive way and will have great difficulty controlling her temper as an adult if you don’t start helping her now. Much easier to start at 17 then to have her future husband try and get her to control her temper at age 30 or even later.

You can say, “Hey! You a capable of curbing your mouth at school and not talking like that to your teachers. You are capable of curbing your mouth and not talking like that around people you want to impress. I don’t use foul language to refer to you. You can return the courtesy. You are an adult and I am an adult, and I expect you to do that. Be mad at me, disagree with me, you can have your boundaries and I have mine, but let’s be courteous and let’s both expect to make an apology when we fail.”

Then you can tell her, “Honey, I am not trying to force you to do this. I want you to know I have confidence in you, and not just Mom Confidence. I think your academic advisors would say the same thing: that is, that you are capable of this. You are right, though: Sometimes, we have an inner resistance to doing something–hard to put into words, but very real. I can understand that. Maybe this is something you can do, but not something you’re ready to do right now. You have to know your own mind, I know that. If you’re willing to do something useful with your time around here, either getting a job or volunteering or something else like that, of course I’m not going to force you to force your way through your education. Do believe in yourself, though. That’s not pressure. That’s meant to be encouragement. It’s meant to be a vote of confidence. If you’re afraid, but you want to go forward, have no fear. If you fail, we’ll be here to help you get up and try again. That’s all I want you to know.”

N"ow, OK…your turn. I’ve made our terms clear, I think. You don’t have to school, but you do have to make yourself useful to someone within the month: a job, volunteering, something, and not just 15 hours a week. A real occupation. What are your terms? What do you feel you need? Let’s try to figure out a way to meet in the middle, here. I think we can." Then you listen. Ask questions, but guard against taking her response personally or being a reactor instead of a responder. See how it goes. If it goes badly, apologize and start over. House of Mercy…

I don’t think you have an addict or a demon. I think you have a frustrated young woman who doesn’t know what she wants (or maybe wants to pursue a goal she’s afraid you will think is beneath her capabilities) and feels very anxious and self-conscious about that. As a result, she’s getting overly defensive and taking the “the best defense is a good offense” reaction. It’s very common. Hang in there! Keep praying, but hang in there! Read about the Finding in the Temple! Two perfect people and a saint, and even that family had some misunderstandings and some gradual approaches to consensus. Read the Wedding Feast at Cana, too. Our Lady said her piece, then had the trust to trust her Son to make the decisions that were His alone to make. Letting go and letting God is often what perfection requires the parent of an adult child to do.

Your advice is much appreciated and I will definitely use it.

God bless

 

[jtauke]

This morning my eldest is to start her 2nd year of college. She wants to drop out and take a course to get into another program. Hubby said that she is not to drop out until she is accepted in the other program. I concluded the same but yesterday she decided that she wants to take a semester off, she will try to get the course needed to get into the other program. The only thing is she broke the deal we made and she insists on doing it her way; my hubby said that if it is so then he would place ultimatums. Either she has a job first or the course before she drops out or else she can leave the house.

I am so angry because I spoke about this to him several times and he was the one saying it was ok if she takes a semester off and to let her be. I insisted that she continues until she finds a job or enters a new program.

It is causing a lot of tension. I want your prayers and counsel on how to proceed. Was it right that my hubby told her to leave if she doesn’t accept? I don’t feel that it was necessary even though I told her this before in our arguments.

She’s a sophomore in college. Cut the apron strings and let her figure things out on her own…

You’re more than welcome to let her know your point of view, but to expect her to follow your orders lockstep at almost 20 years of age is ridiculous.

And what’s the deal you keep mentioning? Are you paying the school tab?

 

[Still_Hoping]

She’s a sophomore in college. Cut the apron strings and let her figure things out on her own…

You’re more than welcome to let her know your point of view, but to expect her to follow your orders lockstep at almost 20 years of age is ridiculous.

And what’s the deal you keep mentioning? Are you paying the school tab?

Hi and welcome,

First off, she’s 17 years of age and just finished high school at 11th grade, according to our system, which by the way is different than yours. She did a year of CEGEP which is different than your system. Please read previous posts If you read some of the posts or the OP than you would probably know this. And yes, I am picking up the tab so I should get some say in this. And she has learning difficulties and was diagnosed with ADHD so yes I need to be involved and help her. Thank you for your 2 cents though.

 

[Still_Hoping]

Hi and welcome,

First off, she’s 17 years of age and just finished high school at 11th grade, according to our system, which by the way is different than yours. She did a year of CEGEP which is different than your system. Please read previous posts. If you read some of the posts or the OP than you would probably know this. And yes, I am picking up the tab so I should get some say in this. And she has learning difficulties and was diagnosed with ADHD so yes I need to be involved and help her (btw I don’t control her). Thank you for your 2 cents though.

 

[Still_Hoping]

I am currently helping my daughter find other schools that have her program and to get informed about their curriculum and what they have to offer. She has asked for my help and I am happy to offer. Now that we found a compromise she will have to deal with the outcomes of her decision. I am backing her up and we will see where that goes.

Again, my preoccupation is what she will do from here to next fall. Again, thanks to Easterjoy and others I have the tools to deal with it. Now, it is about convincing her because so long as she lives under my roof, she needs to respect our rules.