Daughter

[Mea_Culpa]

I’m sorry I mentioned about divorce - it’s not something that is on the table being considered - just a momentary thought. The boyfriend (21) lives in a nice house with his parents, doesn’t work, doesn’t go to school, has a new car his parents bought him, they give him money, free food, everything. Now my daughter is there living completely responsibility-free. I know there is drinking and probably drug use involved in this whole situation as well. My wife got a text message from her today at 1pm saying - Hi mom, I just got up. To a 19 year old, literally living one day at a time, this must seem like paradise. In three years, a single parent with no education and boyfriend and his parents out of the picture - it won’t seem so great then. This is what we’ve been trying to tell her, but it is like talking to a stone wall. She doesn’t get it.

We were trying to get our daughter through community college (not easy, she has learning disabilities), encouraging her to get a part-time job and do volunteer work. We’re competing with boyfriend and completely responsibility-free environment. We’re not abandoning her - but since she’s legally an adult, the only thing we can do is keep the lines of communication open - not easy since boyfriend controls her access to the phone.

Believe me, there is fasting and praying going on. Please pray for us.

 

[RachelKH]

praying many prayers for all your family too – just wish others would stop fighting and be nice in their posting – why muddy the issue like that?

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Ouch. That makes him seem more like a scumbag than ever, preying on someone with academic/learning issues. Can I say that I would also be reluctant to make it any harder to get an education for her than it already is. If you yank the tuition, it makes it easier for her to follow the path of least resistance. Maybe as another poster said, if she doesn’t go to school this fall, put the money aside and keep an account for when she does come to her senses.

This situation won’t go on forever. The guy doesn’t have staying power. He’s a loser. He will be a burden to his own parents for a good long time. How long they will be interested in footing the bill for your daughter sleeping till noon is debatable. The only reason he lives in a nice house is because his parents are footing the bill.

You’re saying he controls her access to HER phone???

Have you talked to the parents there? Have you explained to them how they are short-circuiting your attempts to help your daughter grow up and mature and be a productive member of society (as opposed to their son?) in view of her LD history?

You may want to check with your local police about the legal implications of preventing someone from making phone calls in your jurisdiction. At what point does your LD daughter cease being completely responsible for the situation and how much is she being controlled by being given alcohol and drugs and someone who restricts her contact with the outside world? She may think she’s deciding to do this, but more than one cad has plied a woman with alcohol or drugs to control her.

I’d suggest a heart to heart with a lawyer about this. Maybe a strong letter from a lawyer to the parents may make them want to get rid of their “houseguest” because she’s more trouble than she’s worth. Junior can always find a new toy. There’s plenty out there.

I know it’s talking to a brick wall trying to communicate with her right now. I’ll say some special prayers for you all. This situation would drive me to stone cold fury at the boy and his parents. Is your daughter even free to visit you for lunch?

PLEASE KEEP THE CELL PHONE GOING! DON’T CUT HER OFF! Keep the lines of communication open. I’m telling you, he’s a thug! She will find out soon enough. You must text her and let her know that you will pick her up any time, anywhere, no questions asked if she needs it. Right now she doesn’t think she needs it, but there may come a day she will need to have that thought in the back of her head!

I’m really sorry for what you’re going through.

 

[TheresaL]

Dear Mia Culpa,
I am so sorry to hear about your daughter and the distress her choices have caused your family. I’m sure this is breaking your and your wife’s heart.
It would probably be beneficial for you and your wife to sit down together, maybe after a dinner out so you are both as calm as possible, and talk about what the two of you, together, can do to help your daughter. Tell your wife that you love her. Then acknowledge that you both have different ideas as to how to help your daughter, but together you can come up with a plan. You both will have to make compromises, but remember that sometimes there is more than one right answer and it’s more important to be united in this than to be “right”. Then pray together that you will both be open to hear each other and that He will lead you to wise decisions. Pray with and for each other.
I just wanted to share with you a conversation we had with our daughter that might be helpful with your daughter. When my daughter was 17, she was very frustrated because we were so “strict” and there were a lot of things we would not let her do that her other friends were doing. I recognized her frustration, so I asked her if she thought she was smarter than she was at 16. She quickly said “Yes!” Then I asked her how much wiser will she be at 21? “Oh, I lot wiser.” Then I said to her, “I think I’m a lot wiser at my age than I was at 25 or 30 or 35. Sometimes you don’t always know the “why” of the things we do as parents but you have to just trust that we are wiser at our age than you are at yours. Even as adults we need to follow God’s rules even if we don’t understand them. God blessed us abundantly when he gave you to us and He also gave us the responsibility to do our best to make you the person He wants you to be. We love you very much and want what’s best for you.” She still didn’t like some of our decisions, but I think she was a little more accepting.
Just keep in touch with your daughter so that she continues to know your unconditional love for her. You don’t have to provide for her every need and want, nor should you feed her unhealthy lifestyle, but continually remind her of your love for her. The details of paying/not paying for college, phone, etc., need to be worked out with your wife. Again, there may be compromises for both of you. But decide before you talk to your daughter.
Also, it definitely would be beneficial to all of you if you do some reading on John Paul II’s Theology of the Body. There are books, CDs, and seminars that are wonderful lessons on God’s plan for us as male and female (Google Christopher West) Also, Jason Evert wrote a short book called Theology of His Body/Theology of Her Body which is written for a teen/young adult. (I learned a lot from it at age 51!) She needs to know that as a child of God, made in His image, she deserves better than the life she has chosen.
God’s blessings to you. I will be praying for all of you.

 

[yellowbird]

What a facile response. Just goes to illustrate the extent of your narrow-mindedness.

Sorry - you are sooooo right - my bad! I mistakenly assumed you might not be ok with your son employed as a Prostitute and if you were to admit that, it would illustrate that at times parents must step in and redirect their wayward children, even if that means imposing our beliefs on them. But apparently you are open minded through and through and have no problem with your son employed as a Prostitute and turning tricks from his bedroom so Yay for you!

Although I saw a bumper sticker recently that makes me think of you:

Don’t be so opened minded that your brain falls out.

 

[CentralFLJames]

I’m sorry I mentioned about divorce - it’s not something that is on the table being considered - just a momentary thought. The boyfriend (21) lives in a nice house with his parents, doesn’t work, doesn’t go to school, has a new car his parents bought him, they give him money, free food, everything. Now my daughter is there living completely responsibility-free. I know there is drinking and probably drug use involved in this whole situation as well. My wife got a text message from her today at 1pm saying - Hi mom, I just got up. To a 19 year old, literally living one day at a time, this must seem like paradise. In three years, a single parent with no education and boyfriend and his parents out of the picture - it won’t seem so great then. This is what we’ve been trying to tell her, but it is like talking to a stone wall. She doesn’t get it.

We were trying to get our daughter through community college (not easy, she has learning disabilities), encouraging her to get a part-time job and do volunteer work. We’re competing with boyfriend and completely responsibility-free environment. We’re not abandoning her - but since she’s legally an adult, the only thing we can do is keep the lines of communication open - not easy since boyfriend controls her access to the phone.

Believe me, there is fasting and praying going on. Please pray for us.

What is really sickening here is this deadbeat’s parents promoting this immoral ****. It might be worth confronting the boy’s father face to face and having a frank discussion. His belligerence against your will is certainly not going to promote a very friendly in-law situation if they imagine they are going to have their son marry your daughter. Explain it to him. Go ask him what the hell is in his head.

There comes a time when raising anxiety levels can get people out of their Ivory Tower comfort zones and face the reality of conflicts and the possible consequences to everyone. His parents are living in a fantasy world and its time to get them out of it. This guy’s dad sees no down-side to ignoring your wishes for your daughter. He needs to see that there is a personal downside. It would not surprise me if what is going on here is dad vicariously living his teen days through his son’s bedding your daughter at home to make up for his own strict father that would not let him do the same in his day.

I know of men who live through their sons and brag about their son’s sexual conquests in the good looking women they always bring around.

It might be time to go take your new pet rottweiler for a walk in front of his house - make that your new daily habit - and make sure the dog knows which mailbox and lawn is his new turf that is in need of servicing. Daughter might leave BF to come back home for the pet dog; and pets can be trained as to who are not welcome in the house should BF come back courting.

James

 

[dpgreen]

I would like to convey to you my profound sorrow for what you are experiencing. I too have a 19 year old who has also chosen to live a completely immoral life. I have 5 children, 4 who love their faith and 1 who is completely embarrassed by it and has openly rejected it. Apparently I need to be more open-minded!

To those who are passing judgment, particularly regarding the comment that your children are who you are, please have compassion and mercy. If I have a son who is thinking about the priesthood and a daughter who lives in mortal sin, then this explanation is not always applicable.

It has taken me three years to realise that I must let my daughter go and make her decisions and take on the consequences. In fact, she will be moving out in 2 months, which, after much abuse (horrific swearing, blasphemy, lies, deceit etc) will be a relief. I am not cold, however, I must protect the rest of the family who are trying to live according to God’s will. If your daughter is old enough to make the decision to have sex, then she is old enough to pay her own way through college.

As parents we must keep praying for our children and let them know that the door will always be open. However, we should not be made footstools. That is not charity. Your wife is understandably ‘weak’. I was too. Understand her but remain firm. Rules are rules which must be obeyed. Remember we did not come with a handbook on how to interact with a rebellious teenager. Every circumstance is different and as you journey through this you will make mistakes. However, if you keep praying you will find peace, even if that means letting her go without anger, but filled with mercy. I am still struggling with this and daily have to work on finding mercy for my daughter. Sometimes the anger overcomes you. I realised that remembering what our Blessed Mother endured because of her Son that nothing we can encounter comes even close to her suffering.

To all those posters that think this man is cold, remember he is suffering. Sometimes things are easier said than done and we should pray for him and his wife.

 

[L2P2]

To those who are passing judgment, particularly regarding the comment that your children are who you are, please have compassion and mercy.

The poster is passing stringent judgment on his daughter and on his wife to the point of speaking of, however momentarily, divorcing.

He needs to take some of the compassion he is pleading for here and apply it to members of his own family. He also needs to reflect on what he has done to cause the situation or make it worse.

He seems to be one for tough talk. He cannot possibly mind it when others apply the technique to him.

If I have a son who is thinking about the priesthood and a daughter who lives in mortal sin, then this explanation is not always applicable.

Most parents do not love all their children equally, sad to say. Maybe you just loved your daughter less. Before judging her, judge yourself.

 

[RachelKH]

Oh that was cruel!!! Parents do the best they can at loving each child as they need loved. My own first son, the apple of our eyes, the one we all knew as being reliable, intelligent, strong in not following the crowd or doing what he knew was wrong, a great example for his 5 younger siblings, went off to college and fell in with a crowd that had no morals, understanding of God, etc, and now he is one of them. He went from one who could discuss the why’s and how’s of being Catholic in a faithful, believing way, to one who is trying to take away the faith of his siblings and parents. Don’t lay that on me! Don’t lay this girl’s choices on her father.

 

[TLM08]

There isn’t much you can really do bud… Husbands and fathers have been emasculated my secular society’s successful trashing of biblical principles where children are to obey their parents and wives are to submit to their husbands and husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church.

If you were to put your foot down and physically bring your daughter home then put the fear of god into the little punk who is seeing her you would be locked up and lose everything. Then your wife and daughter would do what they want anyway and “punk boy” would own it all. They are in rebellion to your authority as husband and father.

No sir, you aren’t crazy or weak. The law is against you. Society supports this rebellion and there is nothing much you can really do about it except close your own wallet. There is one thing you can do. I would tell your wife that she is contributing to the destruction of your daughter’s future. And yes, I would at least consider separation over this. It sounds like your wife needs a wake up call.

 

[CentralFLJames]

There isn’t much you can really do bud… Husbands and fathers have been emasculated my secular society’s successful trashing of biblical principles where children are to obey their parents and wives are to submit to their husbands and husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church.

If you were to put your foot down and physically bring your daughter home then put the fear of god into the little punk who is seeing her you would be locked up and lose everything. Then your wife and daughter would do what they want anyway and “punk boy” would own it all. They are in rebellion to your authority as husband and father.

No sir, you aren’t crazy or weak. The law is against you. Society supports this rebellion and there is nothing much you can really do about it except close your own wallet. There is one thing you can do. I would tell your wife that she is contributing to the destruction of your daughter’s future. And yes, I would at least consider separation over this. It sounds like your wife needs a wake up call.

Dead On!

Most men “don’t get it” until its too late. The Country has been “wussified”. The old code that men had between themselves solved these sort of problems. A man would not dare risk alienating himself with his fellow men by openly supporting the defiling of another man’s daughter under his roof - he would have been socially ostracized and humiliated or publicly beat up. The feminists have manged to redefine our country in their own image and destroyed our culture. Frankly, we have lost the country and what little culture we had. On a larger sociological scale its only a matter of time before it implodes and we have a new sort of cultural civil revolution. It’s a western phenomena and we are due for a major new sociological upheaval as men are watching family structure being decimated and replaced by pro-homosexual pro-feminist forces which the natural order will simply not long tolerate anymore so than mixing water and oil in solution.

The idea of a melting pot of races assumed a common stock of common culture and assimilation. But that assumption of a common vision and culture has now been spurned and we have a strange eclectic mix of incompatible viscosity all co-mixed (shaken not stirred) and it will never stay in solution and will eventually boil over and upset the whole Americana as we knew it.

Men are being used as nothing but share croppers in their own households. The mantra these days is get married, have a few good fun years with your wife, breed a few children, shut up, pay your taxes and let the system draft your children into the corpus of the bold new secular army of Satan and pay your alimony to your estranged family and die with a large insurance policy (which is soon to become a patriotic duty under national health care to opt for euthanasia over palliative care when all the stress causes you to succumb to cancer or other diseases).

There is a huge storm brewing on the horizon and people are still hanging their laundry and staking their claim to a system that Divine Providence has already marked for burial and the compost pile.

James

 

[shannyk]

I’m sorry I mentioned about divorce - it’s not something that is on the table being considered - just a momentary thought. The boyfriend (21) lives in a nice house with his parents, doesn’t work, doesn’t go to school, has a new car his parents bought him, they give him money, free food, everything. Now my daughter is there living completely responsibility-free. I know there is drinking and probably drug use involved in this whole situation as well. My wife got a text message from her today at 1pm saying - Hi mom, I just got up. To a 19 year old, literally living one day at a time, this must seem like paradise. In three years, a single parent with no education and boyfriend and his parents out of the picture - it won’t seem so great then. This is what we’ve been trying to tell her, but it is like talking to a stone wall. She doesn’t get it.

We were trying to get our daughter through community college (not easy, she has learning disabilities), encouraging her to get a part-time job and do volunteer work. We’re competing with boyfriend and completely responsibility-free environment. We’re not abandoning her - but since she’s legally an adult, the only thing we can do is keep the lines of communication open - not easy since boyfriend controls her access to the phone.

Believe me, there is fasting and praying going on. Please pray for us.

many prayers for you and your family.

I just want to mention, since you bring up the learning disability aspect, could this be part of why your wife is going ‘easy’ on your daughter? Is your daughter maybe…easily persuaded? Does she lack some what we would call, common sense judgment or ‘street smarts’ and is easily talked into doing things? Maybe this is why your wife was saying she was a victim of manipulation by this boy (who seems to be a real piece of work might I add). Maybe your wife isn’t being a pushover as much as you think she is, NOT that I’m making excuses for your daughter who obviously has been taught right from wrong and knows better. But sometimes mom’s are just more…aware of an in tune with the emotional nuances of their kids. I’m not dismissing your feelings either, I think any father of a daughter would be disgusted and hurt by this behavior. I can’t imagine! You have my sympathy.

Again prayers, for this whole situation.

 

[aicirt]

I am stunned that flyingfish is getting support for the ridiculous idea that kids don’t grow up until they graduate college. Maybe some spoiled little brats… even if I was wrong about the bachelor’s degree figure and it is 25%, that means that 75% of Americans somehow have to learn to grow up without one. And this attitude is an INSULT to the young soldiers who are out there risking their lives protecting all these whiny, disrespectful 20 and 30 somethings living cushy, rent-free lives at Mommy and Daddy’s.

Mostly I think the reason that kids don’t act like adults when they are is because their parents were weak and didn’t raise them right, and don’t expect them to act like adults even though they are. Paying for college is something alot of parents want to do, for many reasons. But my kids are going to EARN the support they receive from my husband and I by being decent, responsible people who follow the rules we set on receiving our money. It’s a privilege, not a right! And if they choose to violate those rules, then they will have to find ways to pay for college on their own. I am NOT paying for my adult child to party and screw up their lives. If that is the path they take, they pay for it.

They have to decide what is more important to them. Our financial help, or the choices they want to make that go against us. If they choose the latter, we still love them, and they are welcome to Sunday dinner, but they pay their own bills. Seems simple, and uncontroversial, to me.

Maybe I just come from a cold, heartless, cruel family.

Agree!

The OP might think about limiting his promise for college because of her latest actions. Something that would appeal to his wife too. For example, that the first semester will be paid for provided she keep up the required grade point average (or what father feels is reasonable expectation for daughter) and no more shenanigans e.g. lying, sleeping with boyfriend and/or finding them in house alone. And she must find financial aid for second sememster.

Should this fail, (and this is told to her now) OP will not pay for any future college, she can go to community, she will pay room, board, car insurance, phone bill and books,

If she doesn’t want college any longer after failed first sememster, she must find a job and be employed one month after the semester ends. There will be no excuses. If she is not fullfilling contract, bags are packed and put out. She needs to know this now.

Apparently, she has never worked so father should remind her that she should look into temp employment, waiting table, house cleaning. And all that is fine.

 

[yellowbird]

Most parents do not love all their children equally, sad to say. Maybe you just loved your daughter less. Before judging her, judge yourself.

How sad for your children… do you really have some you don’t love as much as their sibblings? Gosh, that’s so awful and maybe we should start a new thread for you so we can discuss that because honestly, I think you are totally mistaken that people like you are the norm.

Speaking from personal experience, as the mother of 5 children with very different personalities, I love them all the same… more than my own life, that’s for certain. I don’t think I am unique in that department - I think the VAST majority of parents love all of their children and want the very best for them. We all grow up though and make our own way in this world. At some point it becomes ridiculous to blame our parents (especially if they were, for the most part, good parents) on the stupid choices we make as adults.

I still can’t get over you have children you don’t love so much. That is so sad…

 

[Zelie_Louis]

The lack of charity in this thread is truly astounding. Many of you will be receiving infractions. I suggest revisiting the forum requirements for charitable discussion before further participating in other threads. This discussion is now closed.