Daughter

[Liberanosamalo]

Hold the phone. My issue isn’t with him being a dad, having rules or insisting a near-grown child show some responsibility.

My issue is with the whole tone he sets out that says to me more is going on than just a runaway daughter who has taken refuge in her boyfriend’s house. This man is talking about ending a marriage over this. (20 year marriage? Over this?)

We’re not hearing much about why the wife feels so strongly about preserving some financial support and not cutting the daughter off. But posters seem to feel free to condemn her for “undermining the father’s authority.”

Was her whole college promised to her? Were there conditions put on her receiving the assistance? Did she grow up with limits? Or has this all been sprung on her in the last half year that all of a sudden dad has reached his limit?

I take issue with the tone of the father who is glad his daughter is gone. Yes, actions have consequences, but there’s harsh and then there is the nuclear option. Go read his original post. Maybe he is just venting. But if that’s how he is venting after thinking about it and writing it on the internet, what did he say in the heat of anger to his daughter? Does he want a future with her at all? Does he talk about “Gee, how do I extend an olive branch to her? How can I persuade her to come back home so we can talk about this?” No. His attitude is he is sick of her and good riddance.

Before he can fix anything else, he has to fix THAT first.

He didn’t say like some other posters that they had discussed rules all along and when children violate them knowing beforehand the consequences they run the risk of being put out of the house.

He said that (in his view) things went along okay all those years until the last six months. Daughter got a new boyfriend and wham. She starts lying and sneaking out.

THAT should set up alarm bells. She was a good daughter until this kid came along? Is he feeding her drugs? Does he have a magic spell over her? Were there ever other boyfriends? Were they respectful guys? Why the big change with this guy? Maybe mom knows more about this than dad does. Maybe mom has reason to worry.

Surrendering your daughter… no… throwing her at some guy that comes along and changes her like that so quickly… “Here… Keep her. Now I don’t have to pay for her lifestyle” is not the action of a father who is looking out for her. The boy’s parents have no standards. That happens a lot. It’s maddening. And the boy’s parents won’t be there if she gets pregnant with the kind of love and support she needs from her own parents.

The time for this dad to fix his relationship with his daughter is now. Her immortal soul depends on it. His loving overtures to her will be a reflection maybe in her own mind someday of whether God Himself will extend the same loving fatherly forgiveness. Most people I know with God issues also have father issues. What example of faith and forgiveness is he setting for his own child?

Suggesting he start putting money aside in accounts his wife cannot get to in an apparently fractured marriage is also bad advice. You don’t run a family with fear and control. Something went wrong long ago. Not six months ago… longer than that.

Do we know the daughter thinks she has mom in her pocket? We know nothing of what the daughter thinks. For all we know, living at the guy’s house, she is beginning to see other sides of him. Familiarity does breed contempt. Maybe mom staying in contact gives her the hope she can come home again.

THAT is what the father should be working for. No one said actions don’t have consequences and she would have to earn trust back. But his tone was very harsh both toward the wife and the daughter.

HIS money? He feels like a fool?

Is it all about him? I’d be more anguished that if his daughter died tonight she might go to hell.

Has he gotten down on his knees and prayed for her to see the truth? Normal girls don’t just up and leave happy homes and move in with boyfriends and cut all ties. I think there is more to this story.

Yes, he and his wife need to be on the same page. But why aren’t they? I’d love to hear the mom’s side of this. Because quite frankly, in most average families, it’s the mom who has the issues with the teen daughter during these late teen years. And daddy is the hero. And teenage daughter doesn’t begin to appreciate mom till she’s in her early 20s or has kids.

More info from the OP so we can be more fair, please. If this is being unfair.

 

[theladyiscrazy]

More info from the OP so we can be more fair, please. If this is being unfair.

This is a good idea, OP could you provide more info, please? There are some very good questions that have been raised, and some answers would greatly help us to help you as well.

 

[Cat]

I personally think that Dad is using hyperbole to try to give us a picture of his feelings. I don’t believe he really wants to end all contact forever with his daughter and divorce his wife.

But he does want the conflict and heart-ache to end. He’s tired, discouraged, sad, sick-at-heart, and despondent about the situation, and he just wants it to end and everything be peaceful and life to be pleasant again.

C’mon, how many of you have said, “I wish I could just run away” during a bad situation?! How many of you have fantasized about moving away from your conflicted life and starting all over with a new life? Perhaps some of you have even said, “I wish I were dead” during a particularly painful time.

You didn’t mean it. You were just voicing your despair and discouragement.

That’s all Dad is doing here–he’s venting about how he FEELS, which is pretty lousy.

But like many other Dads, I’m guessing that he will set his feelings aside and DO the right thing.

IMO, that means getting strict with his daughter (like he and Mom should have been back when she was pre-pubescent). And it means sticking with Mom, even though she sounds like a wienie.

 

[Mea_Culpa]

Answers are hard to come by in a situation like this. I wrote the original post at 1 am after the worst day of my life. Please pray for us.

 

[yellowbird]

Answers are hard to come by in a situation like this. I wrote the original post at 1 am after the worst day of my life. Please pray for us.

I understand.

I hope you’re able to find some peace through all of this. Remember, this too shall pass.

And yes, your family has my prayers. God bless you.

 

[RachelKH]

Many prayers!!! We are all in this parenting thing together.

 

[L2P2]

The best path on this would be to seek out the advice of a priest. But the OP does not strike me as the type to seek out such aid, particularly since he is considering divorce.

So, I will pass along what our priest says to parents who have children who give them a hard time:

“YOUR CHILDREN ARE WHAT YOU YOURSELF ARE.”

 

[CentralFLJames]

I hate to say it but your wife destroyed your relationship with your daughter and is the source of the problem. You can’t fix that now and its time to let your daughter be her own person. Frankly, I’d have a sit down talk with your wife and start reworking the family finances and settling what you will and won’t pay for. You don’t have to support an “anything for my baby girl” mother who is just pandering her daughter to feather her own mother-daughter relationship that is going to lead to ever increasing sorrow and hurt when daughter crashes to earth by her elective lifestyle (either pregnancy, STD, used-abused and dumped by her BF etc.). A man who would crawl into your house window to have sex with your daughter does not respect your daughter or you and is a driven by only one desire - enjoying himself. His kind use women and dump them and move on usually becomes dead beat dads with multiple broken marriages or they just take on the playboy lifestyle till they are in their 40s - see it so much.

I would say your marriage is in serious jeopardy right now since your wife is not going to want you to tell her how she can spend the family assets. I’d recommend you get your own checking account and get rid of all joint credit card acccounts and have only a limited joint checking account with a defined budget. You have a huge control showdown coming and I wish you luck - but this pattern does not look good at all and you should take defensive precautions for the worse expectation. It is only time till daughter has a major crisis and needs lots of financial support and so on. She needs to learn how to work for herself and support her self and make her boyfriend start being responsible for their heathen lifestyle - that will undermine that weak relationship and crash it to earth fast trust me.

Good luck - but I would not want to be in your shoes and you have every right to not be an endured slave to your daughter’s heathen lifestyle nor your wife’s pandering sort of attitude. Too many men are letting themselves be used as nothing but a voiceless “provider” and letting the women control the family and dictate the terms of your indentured servitude then dumping them later in life when the children are out of the house and they run into a crisis of not knowing what to do with themselves. It’s a very common life pattern here in the USA and many such woman will then either seek a new life on their own or with somone else or with their friends. But the men are left to work themselves into the grave and pay for it (and keep themselves insured for the day they cash cow dies). The pattern is so typical in the contemporary American male…

Offer your adult daugher your prayers but not your wallet since she does not respect your council.

James

 

[yellowbird]

The best path on this would be to seek out the advice of a priest. But the OP does not strike me as the type to seek out such aid, particularly since he is considering divorce.

So, I will pass along what our priest says to parents who have children who give them a hard time:

“YOUR CHILDREN ARE WHAT YOU YOURSELF ARE.”

He has asked for prayers. Why don’t you just give the poor man that and keep the judgements to yourself. We really know NOTHING about his situation other than what he posted and he admited it was late, after the “worst day of his life.”

Wouldn’t you hate it if people judged you after the worst day of your life? Good grief.

 

[Sr_Sally]

Answers are hard to come by in a situation like this. I wrote the original post at 1 am after the worst day of my life. Please pray for us.

Praying. Maybe you and your wife can start the Novena to the Sacred Heart–a wonderful prayer that St Pio said every day!

 

[Irishmom2]

“Your children are what you yourself are.” as quoted by L2P2

With all due respect to the priest, that is the dumbest thing I have ever heard.

Hasn’t everyone seen families where almost the kids end up fine but there is just that one kid that has to do it their own way? How do you explain them all having the same upbringing as far as rules, values and morals and the one chooses something different? That cannot be blamed on the parents when the 19 old “child” makes the choice to do something other than what they were taught.

So let’s just tone down the parent bashing. If you have children that have done everything perfectly, praise God. If not, it is not always the parents that are to blame.

 

[Musician]

Mea Culpa,
I am praying for you and your family. Try praying to St. Monica for your daughter. And stay strong - I know you are frustrated but things WILL work out!

 

[wanstronian]

I can’t believe you’ve forgotten what it feels like to be young. Your daughter is 19 years old and is discovering herself. And you want to lock her at home in chastity because of your beliefs? Ask yourself why she feels the need to sneak off?

Why don’t you just respect her decisions and let her find her own way? It’s her life to lead, not yours to dictate. You could take the hard line view and kick her out, but this risks destroying your relationship long tem. Is this what you want? Are your beliefs really more important to you than your family? If so, I feel very sorry for them.

If you truly love your daughter, you will allow her to make her own decisions - right or wrong - and learn from them. And while you don’t have to support her decisions, you should support her while she makes them
Then when (if) she realises what you consider to be her mistakes, she will know that she has you, as her parent, to love and comfort her.

In my view, there’s nothing worse than dictating a way of life to your children when they’re old enough to make up their own minds. That’s just brainwashing. It’s cruelty.

 

[RachelKH]

If you are big enough to make your own decisions like that, you are big enough to take care of your own finances, housing, etc. Sex is not just a recreation. Lying is not just spilling the milk when you were a child. Sneaking others into your parents home means get your own.

 

[Vinchenzo]

I have had a similar problem except with a son.it started the summer he graduated high school.he was going to work for the summer to save money for the up coming year of college.but instead he became involved with his girlfriend and never went to work.first it started out with him coming home late.then on some nights he wouldn’t come home at all.one morning my wife caught the two of them sleeping on our couch in the family room.she went nuts on themthe whole time my wife was telling me things are o.k not to worry.several more times it happened. then when we became to strict they would stay at her house.her mother would call our house asking us to speak to our son,which we did but she would continue to let them stay there.this went back and forth for a good part of the summer then one morning.about 4:30 am my son came crawling into our bedroom to wake my wife up looking for a tent so they can sleep in the yard.( because I forbid them to sleep in the house) my wife let them.this was the straw that crushed the camel.I went on a tyrate nothing physical just loud and angry and I asked them both to leave and not return.not because I don’t love my son, not that I disowned or deserted him.I have 4 other children 3 more boys and a 4 year old daughter at the time.well needless to say my wife became furious with me.she would not speak to me for days.and the behavior continued
and has put a major strain on our family.that was two years ago since then my son has flunked out of college.mainly from chatting all night with his girl I know this because I would see him online while i was working.he threw away $ 25,000 scholarship and taking
out other student loans.and maxed out a credit card my wife had gotten him for “emergencies”.he finally has a part time job that he started about 5 weeks ago .he has been living with his girlfriend but now she is starting college.and he will be homeless.
and all the stress this put us under my wife has filed for divorce in February and we have been separated since May.I wont get to deep into that is another thread by itself.but divorce is not an option for me I will fight until my last breath.My kids are counting on me.

 

[L2P2]

I would say your marriage is in serious jeopardy right now since your wife is not going to want you to tell her how she can spend the family assets. I’d recommend you get your own checking account and get rid of all joint credit card acccounts and have only a limited joint checking account with a defined budget. You have a huge control showdown coming . . .

Gee, I’m forgetting. Is this a Catholic website or not? Because I am seeing a surprising number here advocating divorce.

 

[L2P2]

Wouldn’t you hate it if people judged you after the worst day of your life?

I think someone who displays as little love for his wife or daughter as the poster shows needs to be reminded of who they are. They are his family, and he is responsible to a great degree for how his daughter is behaving.

Remember I was quoting a CATHOLIC priest, who, for sure, would tell both the OP and several of the other posters here that divorce is not an option.

Is this a Catholic forum or not?

 

[CentralFLJames]

Gee, I’m forgetting. Is this a Catholic website or not? Because I am seeing a surprising number here advocating divorce.

How dare you put words in my mouth! Take your liberal and hypocritical judgemental-ism elsewhere. If you have something to say to me personally contact me in PM. I in no way am advocating divorce.

What I am saying is that this is a highly conflicted marriage that our good man here let his pandering and liberal wife dominate too long and now that the situation has gotten to an epoch of dysfunction he is going to get a lot of push back from a wife who is not going to want to be reeled in after being given free reign so long. The odds are not good for this marriage is all I am saying. Stress levels are going to explode anytime a corrective steerage is applied this late in the sequence. The relational mother-daughter bond is probably stronger than the wife–husband realation and that means our man here is probably going to be ganged up on by the women. It’s a very typical scenario. I am just giving him a heads up to be prepared for the probability for a a typical cut and run gambit where she will get a judge to seperate them then make him pay for both her and their daughter’s life style.

I’d recommend immediately counseling and a lot of face time with his wife. I do not believe in divorce personally - but this has all the earmarks of an explosive relational triangle with our man being set up to be the fall guy - a victim of “the sytem”. Today men are the victims as much or more than the women ever were and if it did get to a divorce court the man always looses and becomes an economic slave. For that reason I am suggesting that he protect himself financially and start peforming tirage so he is not blindsided by a daughter-mother scheme.

James

 

[Cathhsmom]

“Your children are what you yourself are.” as quoted by L2P2

With all due respect to the priest, that is the dumbest thing I have ever heard.

Hasn’t everyone seen families where almost the kids end up fine but there is just that one kid that has to do it their own way? How do you explain them all having the same upbringing as far as rules, values and morals and the one chooses something different? That cannot be blamed on the parents when the 19 old “child” makes the choice to do something other than what they were taught.

So let’s just tone down the parent bashing. If you have children that have done everything perfectly, praise God. If not, it is not always the parents that are to blame.

I have to agree. People have often asked me how I turned out so well when they hear about how I grew up. Just because you have good parents, doesn’t mean that you will turn out well. Nor, does having bad parents mean that you will turn out poorly. My mom married 5 times! I had 3 step-fathers growing up. Life was NOT good. My sister has done many things similar to my mom to mess up her life. I, on the other hand, am still married to my one and only husband of 16 years. Our younger brother, by 2nd step-dad, did some things to mess up, but has turned his life around really well.

Ultimately, you have to take responsibility for your own actions. Blaming the parents only goes so far. I will pray for all involved. As was said earlier, we only have one side of the story. He needed a safe place to vent where he could get GOOD advise. I hope that he can find that here. There are people who will read into all of these posts things other than what the posts intended. That is to be expected since we all come to these with our own baggage. I hope that we can all learn something from this and remember to pray for the father, mother, daughter, and any other siblings. I will also be praying for the conversion of heart of the boyfriend and his family who are aiding this daughter in living life outside of how God intended.

 

[yellowbird]

I think someone who displays as little love for his wife or daughter as the poster shows needs to be reminded of who they are. They are his family, and he is responsible to a great degree for how his daughter is behaving.

Remember I was quoting a CATHOLIC priest, who, for sure, would tell both the OP and several of the other posters here that divorce is not an option.

Is this a Catholic forum or not?

That’s wonderful that you’re quoting a CATHOLIC Priest… however, I would respectfully diagree with him that bad kids always come from bad parents. Otherwise how does he explain Adam & Eve? Their Father was perfect and look what they did?! And when they screwed up, notice how God kicked them out of the Garden. He still loved them of course, but they no longer got to live in the lap of luxury. Adam had to go out and get himself a job. I think that is a PERFECT illustration of what we need to do with our wayward adult children.

And I agree - divorce is NOT an option. I said so in my first post to the OP (#12)

Sorry OP - but try to work it out with your wife. Divorce is not an option. It’s never what God would have you do

And to answer your question, Yes. This is a Catholic forum.