Daughter

[yellowbird]

The financial backing would stay because as a father, i **would want my child to have every benefit in this world and want for nothing. **

It saddens me that a “Catholic” forum would show such divide over a foundation of our faith: love. Further, it hurts to see such a person, with such a zeal and vigor for his faith, completely miss the concept that is a father’s love.

I’ll pray for you all, but my hope for you has faltered.

What a spoiled brat you’d be raising if your attitude was always one of, “My child will want for nothing.”

Being a good parent means having to make very difficult decsions regarding our children. It means having to be firm and dicipline when they easy thing to do is nothing and just give in to whatever they fancy at the moment. When your child is six it might be candy for dinner - when she’s 15 it might be drugs… and at 19 it’s having sex in her bedroom and skipping out of mass to stay with her boyfriend. To allow any of that without correction is NOT loving.

If we are going to model our parenting after our Hevenly Father, when we turn away from him and chose to sin, although He loves us, we are no longer live in His grace until we repent and confess.

I think the MOST loving thing the OP could do is come down hard on his daughter so perhaps she will realize she is not only potentially messing up her immediate life, but she’s also risking her eternity.

I agree with the poster who said it’s not the parent’s responsibly to fund the adult child’s sinful behavior.

 

[Sr_Sally]

And here is a “father” who can provide his daughter a better life, but doesn’t want to because she disobeyed him and got a boyfriend. What kind of a parent does that ?!

She didn’t just “get a boyfriend”. She started having sex with him in her parent’s house against their teaching, she went to live at his parent’s hourse against their teaching. She should suffer the consequences of her behavior. If she feels that she is old enough to make those decisions on her own, than she is also old enough to earn her own living and pay for her own college.

To the OP, please set up a meeting with your priest and your wife. Your daughter’s behavior is immoral and she needs to understand boundries. Assure your wife that if your daughter can live within Catholic values, you will happily finance her college and help her, but if she ***chooses ***not to, the consequence is that you cannot bankroll her sin.

Please pray for your wife and daughter (and any other children) every day. Consider fasting also over this situation. Prayer and sacrifice are always the best first and last response to any situation.

 

[sanctamaria17]

18 is adult in my house and in my book (seriously, old enough to use a gun, old enough to vote, in my house, old enough to have wine/sangria at the dinner table). My parents, not practicing Catholics (but as always, I pray…especially because my mom did take me to Mass as a child and got me to be a church-goer and my dad does love and respect Christianity, especially Christians like St. Francis of Assisi, JP2, Oscar Romero and Mother Teresa), but still good and strict, both said that they would cut us off for a variety of things, like lying, letting grades slide, moving in with a boy on their dime, etc.

I’m 20 years old, a year older than the OP’s daughter. This year, my mom told me that, due to economic reasons, she could pay my tuition (and, as a student, I’m still on family health insurance) but that I was on my own for everything else, rent, groceries, Internet, textbooks, spending money, study abroad, you name it. However, my mom is not cruel and heartless, throwing her firstborn out into the big, scary world. She just realizes there’s only so much she could do, but she does worry (she wants to make sure I get enough to eat…I told her, I’m fine, but if you want to give me a good birthday-Christmas present, boxes of mac & cheese, rice, cans of veggies and jars of peanut butter are much appreciated). She also gave me a book about personal finance, so that I can learn how to budget and she and I are starting a blog about how to live on your own while in college. My parents love me dearly, but they can’t afford to pay for my every need and as an adult, I do not and should not expect them too, especially because they have two more children at home, one of whom is going to college next year.

A person wants to make adult decisions, they start living as an adult, if they are legally able to do so. That’s not heartless, that’s life. And to be honest, I wish more 18-19 year olds were taught how to live on their own. I really hate the entitlement attitude that has taken hold of my generation.

Sorry, but after spending a night in the library or studying in my room while doing laundry, everything from my waist down hurting because of a night of working at the restaurant, wearing summer clothes I’ve had for years, yet still finding time to intern and volunteer for causes that are dear to me (pro-life, poverty reduction)…I have no sympathy. It’s not heartless, it’s life and loving your kids includes tough love. Otherwise, they never grow up.

And the only reason 19 is not considered adult is because our expectations have lowered. How tragic.

 

[SaltySirena]

I think it would be bad if the OP prevented her from going to school

Stop it. He is not preventing anything. She would be. And just because Daddy won’t pay for it doesn’t mean she can’t go to college! Lots of people got through college with no money from their parents! I personally got a whole lot of loans, grants, scholarships and work study. My husband went through ROTC at a school that scholarshipped all the expenses ROTC didn’t pay. It can be done. You just have to make the choice and find ways.

My husband and I were never the ones who started the party on Thursday night and didn’t finish until Monday morning. Not that we never partied. But we kept it under control. Because we were earning our college degrees on our own money and sweat and commitments, we valued it more. The ones who partied and skipped class all the time? The “mommy and daddy are paying for everything” kids. You could spot them a mile away.

 

[sanctamaria17]

Very true, Salty Sirena! Seriously, my sophomore year, the semester I made the best grades was when I was working 30 hours a week! Because I know how dear this is to me and I’m committed to finishing.

Yet, I make time for my friends. There’s always time to see each other after Mass, to go for coffee, take the occasional girls’ night or date night, to study together (and yes, actually study), and they also visit me at the restaurant and request to sit at my tables.

Nothing can prevent you from going to school. You may not be able to go to private school (at first), you may have to apply for scholarships, accept every bit of financial aid that you can, work to pay your rent, graduate early (last three are what I’m doing), but it can be done! If you really want it, you can do it, one way or another.

No matter how much money I make, I’m not footing the entire cost of my kids’ education. I’m going to do my best to instill values of saving and budgeting in them and get them to put money in their own savings for it. I’ll probably give more the first couple of years, but I expect them to work hard and apply themselves. I had to. And contrary to popular belief, I haven’t died, nor have I quit school.

 

[PaulinVA]

Wow, what a wide variety of thoughts on this.

I’m not asking anyone to say, but I wonder what the percentage of parents with teens/twenties (or older) are that are responding.

I have an eighteen year old son leaving for college in a few weeks. Lots of sacrifice going on for this to happen. If he spent the rest of the summer at a girl friend’s house, after sneaking her into his room, I can tell you I would not pay his tuition. No way. It would not be a permanent disowning or anything, but what an incredible lack of respect that shows.

I have been through so much with him. He’s a great kid, never in trouble, but stubborn as anyone I know. I want to provide him the best to launch his life. But, If he does what the OP described, he has launched himself into life (a little prematurely) and has to live with the consequences.

Would I take him back? Of course. Would I tell him that he wasn’t thinking with his head and was being a fool to walk away from a college degree and a better life just to have sex? Yes, I would. Would I pay for college on my terms? Yep.

 

[rayne89]

But she’s not an adult, the times when people became adults at 19 are long gone. People become adults when they graduate from college.

What? That’s nuts. I guess 18, 19, 20 year old children are fighting our wars for us. My best friend’s daughter is getting married in 2 months and she’s 19 years old. Just because some young adults want to pretend to be children doesn’t make it so. She is an adult and no way no how would I pay for anything if she was shacking up outside of marriage. She wants to participate in adult activities then let her pay her own way.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Jay and Mercy are very correct. Go reread their posts.

Wow. Did you beat her when she spilled juice on the floor when she was 3?



Gee, dad. Do you long for the days when parents in the old country could sell their teenage daughters to passing gypsies and feel sorry for the gypsies as they led their daughters away?

Yeah, I have teen daughters. I know it is difficult. But great googly moogly!

First of all, where have YOU been for 19 years? Before you start kicking your wife and the mother of this girl to the curb along with your daughter you need to examine your own issues. Deep down are you tired of the both of them and the responsibility and you are looking for an excuse to be wifeless and childless again? Sounds like it!

Your wife is a MOTHER! She’s not just a wife who must follow 4 paces behind you and say yes, sir and follow your rule of law. She is a MOTHER. This is breaking her heart. No mother wants her child to move out because the child thinks the grass is greener with someone else’s mother. As the parent of a teenage daughter who moved out because of my strict rules (daddy undermines me. HE has no rules.) I can feel her pain. You need to have a heart. Your love might be conditional, but maybe the reason your wife has stayed with such a cold-hearted man is because her love is unconditional.

Yeah, I’m mad at you. You are supposed to echo the love of God to your daughter. Does God do that? Kick someone out of His life and rejoice that she is gone? WHEN your daughter finally grows up, she will remember who was patient, kind and loving. And who was glad she was gone.

Wow.

I’m still trying to absorb your attitude.

There’s tough love and then there is stone cold animosity.

Things were fine till 6 months ago. 6 months of imperfection and you’re going to drive her out of your life?

Was your wife the perfect teenage daughter? Maybe she’s taking the long view and realizes that boyfriends come and go, but parents are supposed to be forever. SUPPOSED TO BE. College doesn’t make you an adult. The hard knocks of life do that. Some people get them coterminous with a college education. Others never learn. In this sex saturated culture our daughters are victims. Everyone expects them to be sexual playthings. Even her boyfriend. Why aren’t you mad at this boy who is manipulating her and using her. Where were YOU when they started dating. Did you sit him down and instill in him the idea that YOU were a protector of your daughter and he better not trifle with her? Or have you ever talked to him? He obviously has no fear of YOU that he would sneak into YOUR house and do your daughter with you a few rooms away. You are mad at the wrong person, my friend. You shouldn’t be mad at your wife or your daughter. You should be mad at yourself.

As for college… you can’t bait and switch. If she is going away, you might want to ask yourself how many thousands of dollars is it worth it to you to get her away from this jerk. Most such relationships don’t outlast college. Right now he’s the only game in town for her. I’d seriously consider paying just to get her away from him. He’s bad news. Which you should have known because you should have met him and had a talk with him when they started dating. And if you had taken the time to really observe him, you might have figured that out.

Methinks your daughter doesn’t really trust your love. That’s why she’s climbing out her bedroom window into the arms of the first cad that came along. He’s promising her an emotional security (even if it’s lies) that she isn’t getting from you, her father.

As for her family, well, if college is a commuter thing, you may want to call them and sit them down and have a quiet chat about your values and your bank book. And since they have allowed your daughter to move in with them, they are responsible for her. You can hand them her college tuition bill and direct them what address to make the check out to. That might make them reconsider taking over your role in her life.

But sir, your real issue is what your relationship will be when she finally figures out that a guy who sneaks around with her will sneak around on her. A guy who lies with her will lie to her. Then who will she have? Not you. Maybe mom in an apartment somewhere after you have divorced her for the sin of loving her daughter.

Since I don’t know if your wife ever pulled a stunt like this in her own youth, I can’t tell whether her patience comes from experience. But maybe your wife wants to pay for the tuition to get her daughter away from the creep. How about talking to your wife honestly and without judging her or telling her what YOU want.

I doubt there is much honesty going on in your family, and there hasn’t been. Fear of your reaction probably shuts down all real conversation if your post is any indication.

This is a young girl. She is your child. She is more typical of her peers than you may know. What you are suggesting is the spiritual version of the Romans leaving the flawed children on the mountaintop for the wild animals to get to. So your daughter is not perfect. She’s growing up. She can do that with your help or without it. But she’s a teenager. And when I see teenage girls go berserk and leave daddy’s house and daddy’s bounty, there’s usually one thing going on: a problem with daddy. Most girls at this age are comparing everyone to daddy and trying to find one to measure up, not one who will deliver them from daddy’s wrath.

By the way, were you a perfect teen? Did you ever flout your parent’s values? If you weren’t perfect, stop with the double standard. If you were, have some mercy on the lesser people there. Jesus could manage it, can’t you? At least pray for your child. Can you manage that?

 

[Liberanosamalo]

**Disclaimer: This above post is from someone whose whole family paid for college educations, and whose children are expected to/are doing so. And who has had a gutful of teenage daughters violating a lifetime of Catholic teaching. But I’m a woman and a mother. So I guess that makes me a weak enabler.

 

[SaltySirena]

Liberano, I will agree with you that this daughter’s actions probably indicate something is awry in the father-daughter relationship. This kind of thing is a blatant “screw you dad” action. I still think the wife may have undermined him as a father… but she can’t do that unless he allows it to happen! OP, how invested and involved have you been in your family? Have you been warm, involved, and readily available, or have you been largely absent, whether physically or emotionally? Or both? Sometimes men get too caught up in work and “providing,” forgetting that part of that is being their little girl’s first, best beau. So how much of this applies to you?

But, L., as for the rest of your post :ehh:. I still think that loving our children includes holding them accountable for their choices, and that a parent paying for college is a privilege, not a right.

 

[Cat]

I am astonished at the flak the OP is getting for his frustrations. It makes me wonder if those posters have teenagers. We have raised four children and had to kick out our daughter when she was only 17…TWICE. Her attitude was unconscionable. We were NOT going to put up with it, and didn’t. Guess who came back with flowers and apologies? Yep…same daughter after she learned that life is a harsh reality and other people will not give you free rent, tuition money, pay for your car insurance, etc., etc., etc.
The OP is absolutely right to be frustrated. His wife should immediately obey his wishes in not wanting to finance this spoiled brat’s lifestyle. She’s 19; let her get a job and pay her own way through college. I paid my own way and managed to graduate. What is so terrible about saying,“I cannot in good conscience pay your bills when you are living this lifestyle.” ???
It is TIME our children grew up and faced reality. Love is not footing every bill that adult children have; it just enables them. It is time to stop the nonsense that somehow we owe our children infinite financial help regardless of the lives these spoiled American children are leading. Our money should go to the truly needy and destitute.

And I agree with you 100%, too.

True love for a child will help them to grow up and become independent. It is not true love to pay for a young woman to lead a dangerous lifestyle.

Many people do quite well in life with no college degree. It’s not cruel to pull the tuition.

Most college students take out loans. She will do better with a loan application if she is not dependent on her parents.

I will say this, though–if she experiences an epiphany, comes to her senses, repents totally, and comes home (like the Prodigal Son) begging to be forgiven, then I hope that Dad and Mom will welcome her home and be willing to start over and work out a plan to help her achieve a better life.

 

[Jay82]

Stop it. He is not preventing anything. She would be. And just because Daddy won’t pay for it doesn’t mean she can’t go to college! Lots of people got through college with no money from their parents! I personally got a whole lot of loans, grants, scholarships and work study. My husband went through ROTC at a school that scholarshipped all the expenses ROTC didn’t pay. It can be done. You just have to make the choice and find ways.

My husband and I were never the ones who started the party on Thursday night and didn’t finish until Monday morning. Not that we never partied. But we kept it under control. Because we were earning our college degrees on our own money and sweat and commitments, we valued it more. The ones who partied and skipped class all the time? The “mommy and daddy are paying for everything” kids. You could spot them a mile away.

Sure he isn’t preventing anything by not paying if that was the assumption she was preparing under… however, I am sure she was not applying for loans, scholarships, grants, etc because she had the tuition covered via her parents. She probably has to report to college in less than a month and if her father pulls her funding (since the tuition bill is probably about a month away too) then it is highly unlikely she will be able to get the means to meet that first payment within a short period of time.

I paid for a good portion of my college tuition (still paying back loans), the rest was covered by scholarships, etc and my parents picked up what they could. I went to an out of state school so that made it even more pricey. I planned ahead and made sure I had saved enough from working to cover my book money, discretionary spending money, and so forth. The OP’s daughter probably has very little of that in order and to take everything away at the last minute (even if it is her fault) would effectively prevent her from enrolling this semester and she would have nothing to do except seek the comfort and emotional security from the same terrible boyfriend she has now. I think it would only make matters worse.

On a side note: I also think it is great you were able to make it through college successfully and support yourself. Your husband as well.

 

[flyingfish]

To the posters who support their children, but say they wouldn’t if they broke rules and snuck in boyfriend to have sex:

The OP is not saying that he wants to talk to his daughter and explain to her that he will support her through college if she starts living chastely. He is not talking about how heartbroken he is that some guy is using her for sex, and how he wishes he can get his girl back.

He is only talking about how he is glad she is gone, and how he is thinking of divorcing his wife because she wants to help her daughter get a college education with his money.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to expect your kids to live a certain way if you’re paying for their education (like say actually studying, and not wasting your time partying and skipping class, or not sleeping around). The point is that the OP is not talking about something like this, he is just talking about how glad he is to get rid of his child.

There is no love, no concern about his daughters future, no desire expressed for her to succeed in life.

This is not “tough love”, this is the complete absence of love. The OP comes across as a cold, emotionless man.

Makes you wonder what the girl was running from when she went to live with another family.

 

[Jay82]

Jay and Mercy are very correct. Go reread their posts.
In this sex saturated culture our daughters are victims. Everyone expects them to be sexual playthings. Even her boyfriend. Why aren’t you mad at this boy who is manipulating her and using her. Where were YOU when they started dating. Did you sit him down and instill in him the idea that YOU were a protector of your daughter and he better not trifle with her? Or have you ever talked to him? He obviously has no fear of YOU that he would sneak into YOUR house and do your daughter with you a few rooms away. You are mad at the wrong person, my friend. You shouldn’t be mad at your wife or your daughter. You should be mad at yourself.

As for college… you can’t bait and switch. If she is going away, you might want to ask yourself how many thousands of dollars is it worth it to you to get her away from this jerk. Most such relationships don’t outlast college. Right now he’s the only game in town for her. I’d seriously consider paying just to get her away from him. He’s bad news. Which you should have known because you should have met him and had a talk with him when they started dating. And if you had taken the time to really observe him, you might have figured that out.

Methinks your daughter doesn’t really trust your love. That’s why she’s climbing out her bedroom window into the arms of the first cad that came along. He’s promising her an emotional security (even if it’s lies) that she isn’t getting from you, her father.

But sir, your real issue is what your relationship will be when she finally figures out that a guy who sneaks around with her will sneak around on her. A guy who lies with her will lie to her. Then who will she have? Not you. Maybe mom in an apartment somewhere after you have divorced her for the sin of loving her daughter.

I doubt there is much honesty going on in your family, and there hasn’t been. Fear of your reaction probably shuts down all real conversation if your post is any indication.

This is a young girl. She is your child. She is more typical of her peers than you may know. What you are suggesting is the spiritual version of the Romans leaving the flawed children on the mountaintop for the wild animals to get to. So your daughter is not perfect. She’s growing up. She can do that with your help or without it. But she’s a teenager. And when I see teenage girls go berserk and leave daddy’s house and daddy’s bounty, there’s usually one thing going on: a problem with daddy. Most girls at this age are comparing everyone to daddy and trying to find one to measure up, not one who will deliver them from daddy’s wrath.

Very well said, Liberanosamalo. A father’s relationship with his daughter (and wife) is one of the key indicators how his daughters will eventually go about selecting men later in life. Girls learn how they should be treated by men by how they see their father treat their mother and how their father treats them. If it is bad, then in most cases the daughter will end up in bad relationships. It supports the stats that children that had parents who divorced are more likely divorce because they don’t have a good loving/stable relationship to witness as they grow up.

 

[flyingfish]

Most college students take out loans. She will do better with a loan application if she is not dependent on her parents.

Where I’m from, you will not be able to get loans if your parents are deemed “sufficiently rich”. If your parents are poor and unable to pay, loans are easy to come by. But if your parents are capable of paying it is nearly impossible to get a loan.

 

[sanctamaria17]

That depends on if it’s government loans or not. People can take out private loans for any reason…And when she’s deemed old enough to file independently, who’s to say she can’t work for a few years, then be able to take advantage of that?

I can understand how a mother would want her daughter to be able to get through school, especially so it means she won’t be dependent on men, especially if men lie to her… My mother wants the same for my sister and I…but at the same time, I’m an adult, so I foot the bill wherever I can, even if it means my free time is somewhat limited…I have to or I can’t go to school. End of story…

I just don’t think parents should be responsible for everything. And yes, the hard knocks of life will educate you fast. But if 18 is considered an adult, then it’s not too much to ask of our 18-year-olds to act like adults. And lying is not one way to do that. I can also understand that.

Those of us saying he has a right are not advocating cutting a relationship with his daughter. Nor is it the same as kicking your child to the curb as a little one or beating her at three. We’re saying first, if you’re going to do something, the adult thing to do is own up to it, not lie about it. Second, if you don’t want to finance your child’s decision to lie and sneak around and your child is already at the age of majority, then you shouldn’t have to. Third, the only reason 18-24 year-olds are still considered kids is because we live in a society where expectations have hit bottom for them. Instead of expecting kids to do their best and acknowledging they have limits, we live in a culture where “Everyone is special”. Instead of encouraging kids to work hard for what they want, we give them everything they ask for…Instead of believing and expecting our kids to act responsibly, we say it’s OK if they don’t, because they’re just kids.

I believe that yes, we need to invest in higher education. Yes, it’s important to give your kids a good start in life. But I don’t think it’s too much to ask that they act like adults and to not abuse their parents’ trust in them while still on their parents’ dime.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Remember, folks, we’re being asked to advise someone who is giving one side of an issue here. In 19 years, he’s had six months of the teenage insanity many of us live through for years. And he’s ready to kick her to the curb. And kick mom to the curb for spending his hard-earned money.

I suspect there are pieces to this puzzle we don’t have.

Does mom have a job or an education? Is being with a man who would kick her child out of their life for 6 months of stupidity any fun? Has he been like this for a long time? Does he continually remind her how hard he works for the money she gives away?

Maybe mom wants daughter to have a cell phone so that if she needs to, she can contact them and come home. At least mom can reach her daughter and check on her without the family there as a filter. Is that so wrong to want to maintain contact? Oh, wait. Dad is glad daughter is gone. He wants no more contact. He wouldn’t understand mom’s issue.

Maybe mom wants daughter to have an education so she has an option to leave if her husband becomes cold and tyrannical and unreasonable.

Daughter is going away to school. Again, I don’t pay my kids’ tuition. No one paid mine but me and scholarships. But if the girl is behaving like this, a REASONABLE parent would say “I won’t pull the rug out from under you this year. You still have growing up and maturation to do. But if you insist on flouting the values you have been raised by, you will eventually be on your own for your boyfriend and his family to finance your education.”

Six months of teenage stupidity is hardly a “lifestyle.”

I suspect there are many issues here we don’t know about. I’m not seeing an ounce of grief about what his daughter is doing to her immortal soul. He didn’t ask for any prayers for her. No comments that he is fasting and praying for her conversion.

Just anger at the disrespect.

Word choice means a lot when you’re looking at a post. Dad needs to come back and justify himself and explain more. He didn’t make himself look very good first time around.

And there is no one stupider than a teenage girl in love. Or who thinks it’s love.

Something tells me dad will just be the first of many men who will let this girl down in her lifetime. But did he ever teach her to respect herself and hold out for the best? Girls get their self-worth from their fathers. I’m very interested in where dad has been and what he’s been doing for 19 years.

He doesn’t say whether there are other children. If so, he’s showing them a very negative lesson about the limits of his “love.” They may come away with a completely wrong image of him in this. Or a completely right one, depending on your viewpoint. If it’s his only child, it looks worse. He’s demanding the wife cut off her only child?

At the very least, he could be handling this better.
So which is it?

Seriously… I’m wondering how many children he has now. So many that he can throw one away and he’d be glad to do it? He wouldn’t miss her? It wouldn’t eat his gut out?

Or is she his only child, and he can banish her and be glad to be done with her?

He says his wife was devastated over her leaving during church. Does he care that divorcing her might… ummm… add to her devastation?

Why does the wife think the daughter is being emotionally abused and brainwashed? Yes, that does happen with girls who meet up with bad boys. Unless you’ve been with a bad boy/man you don’t understand it.

There has to be more to this story.

 

[theladyiscrazy]

Okay, I just got to this post and am amazed at the sides and mudslinging going on here.

1-I can understand some of what the dad posted. No, he didn’t say he wanted to “be done with her” ONLY because of one thing. He stated this has been going on, the disrespect, and total disregard for his authority AND that is wife is going behind him and giving into the child’s whims and undermining him.

Now, from experience (I have a 21 year old married daughter), I know that you can “raise a child” and teach right from wrong but it doesn’t mean they will necessarily follow it. It is that old adage “you can lead a horse to water but not make it drink”. There are times that you have to say “I love you” BUT I will not allow this behavior. If you do xyz, then these are the consequences of it.

1. As far as paying for college for her, what makes anyone on this list think she will actually attend the classes if daddy pays? If the behavior is at the point that was described, the likelihood of her actually studying, attending class, and applying herself isn’t that great. So, why waste the money at this point. He could always put it aside (in an account the wife cannot get to) for the daughter if she straightens up. (by the way, I am a wife so don’t slam me for being sexist).
2. The wife needs to respect her husband’s authority. NO, she does not have to 100% agree with him, but they should discuss all and understand the others side. Right now the daughter knows she has mom in her pocket so there is no need to change and abide by rules.
3. The daughter ran away, and is still gone at this point. Dad and Mom should NOT be giving her money. She decided to leave. She decided to go with the boyfriend. Until she decides to return home and abide by rules, she needs to accept the consequences of what she has done. She wants to be an adult; so she gets all that goes along with it.
4. Just because we are called to love and forgive, Christ did NOT tell us to be a doormat. Parents are called to correct their children the way God corrects us. How many times have we done something majorily wrong and evil in God’s eyes, and then repent, but still have consequences for what we have done? It is the same concept. We can love someone, we can even forgive. However, it does not mean that we keep allowing them to do what they want, how they want, and no matter how much it hurts us.
5. Yes, he said “I wish she would stay gone”. Has anyone stop to think he was venting? How many times have any of us said something that we didn’t exactly mean? We are frustrated when it is said. So, he who is without sin, cast the first stone.

On this same line, I understand this frustration. My daughter is married and her husband and her lived here for a while after their marriage. I was SO happy when they moved out. There were a lot of problems that came from them residing her with the rest of the family. Now, does that mean I don’t love her? No, I love her dearly. But she needed to be out. Now, I know some will say but she was older and she was married, and I will counter that she needed to be out LONG ago. She has no direction in life, no desires and she feels entitled. How this came around, not sure. I have two other children and they don’t have this attitude (one 16 1/2 and one 12). Their views are very different. We raised them the same.

Now, I would say pray. I would also suggest you get with your priest and speak with them. Then you need to get you and your wife to see the priest or a counselor.

 

[RachelKH]

I totally agree with theladyiscrazy!!! I’m a mom of 6 ages 21, 19, 16, 13, 7 and 4 – the first are boys(men) the next 4 are girls. We had to kick out our 19yo a month ago for lying, drinking, carrying on, etc. He knows we love him and will help him out if needed but couldn’t have him continue to live here and lie and flaunt our rules (especially in front of his 4 younger siblings). We had long talks before he left. He knew the rules and has for years known the rules, the why’s, the consequences. We talk, call, visit, get together when his work and school schedules and ours let us. He knows it was his choice to follow the rules or not. We are saddened by his decision and actions and so is he but it is where he wants to be now. Parents have to do the hard thing to help the children become mature, responsible, thinking, loving, hardworking adults with a healthy respect for themselves and others. There are times any parent looks forward to having a child out on his/her own. There are many times children chafe under their parents’ rules. Once they reach 18, they decide to stay or go, but there are always rules – school’s, parent’, bosses, apartment owner’s, etc, etc. And there are always consequences. And God’s laws always trump everything. And He makes sure the consequences fit the actions.

 

[kage_ar]

Dad, you are 10,000% right. If your daughter wants to live by her own rules she should pay her own way. A college education is a gift, not a right.

Stay strong, don’t be afraid to BE the dad.