Dealing with an effiminate son

[kbachler]

I haven’t read the entire thread - a bit long at this point - so maybe I’m being repetitive here.

I would suggest that you talk to your son, and really listen to him. Talk about things you did as a boy, challenges you faced, and ask him about the challenges he faces. After you listen to him, and develop a good rapport, you might - if you still think its wise - try something like this.

Explain that, as a parent, one of your roles is to help your children to grow and to prepare for life. You understand what some of his likes and dislikes are, and you can see that in today’s world being physically strong and fit can enhance almost any other aspect of life. I don’t know if he is also a loner or not from what I read, but I would suggest that you discuss the idea of finding a good, sensible Tae Kwon Do or similar self defense class. Find someone oriented toward fitness, toward confidence, toward postive aspects like that. Ask your son to go with you to meet a few instructors, perhaps even take the class with him. Make it a mutual learning experience and something where he gain gain confidence and grow.

This could help him to be quietly confident - a small shift from effeminate. It could also help him to defend himself in case he ever needs it. And it would show that you love him, respect him, accept him for who he is, but would still like him, and yourself, to grow.

Hope it goes well for you.

 

[LaSainte]

There is a difference between being “gay” and being effeminate. Heterosexual men can be effeminate; we see this all the time in the figure skating world.

The Bible condemns both homosexuality and effeminacy separately.

Ok, but I think when condemning effeminacy, it was just another word for gay. Even if that is not the case, it certainly wasn’t talking about what we think about when we think of an effeminate male, which is just a collection of certain mannerisms. This was a time when men went around wearing full makeup, wigs, etc. Boys would have their genitals cut off so as not to hit puberty so that they could be more feminine as lovers to older men. This is a far cry from “running like a girl”.

 

[EasterJoy]

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.- Theodore Roosevelt”

I have this quote in my ‘Notable Quotables’ file and it is in fact posted on my 14 yr old son’s door.

“The only man who makes no mistakes is the man who never does anything.”

"Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.”

“It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.”

“A healthy-minded boy should feel hearty contempt for the coward and even more hearty indignation for the boy who bullies girls or small boys, or tortures animals.”…“What we have a right to expect of the American boy is that he shall turn out to be a good American man.”

“There are two things that I want you to make up your minds to: first, that you are going to have a good time as long as you live - I have no use for the sour-faced man - and next, that you are going to do something worthwhile, that you are going to work hard and do the things you set out to do.”
Talk to schoolchildren in Oyster Bay, Christmastime 1898

“This country will not be a permanently good place for any of us to live in unless we make it a reasonably good place for all of us to live in.”

“There were all kinds of things I was afraid of at first, ranging from grizzly bears to ‘mean’ horses and gun-fighters; but by acting as if I was not afraid I gradually ceased to be afraid.”

“The worst of all fears is the fear of living.”

“I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied
a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”

Teddy Roosevelt wasn’t a saint, but considering that he was a sickly asthmatic child, he is a good example of what can happen if a young man is free to live his own life with enthusiasm. To do that, a young man has to be true to himself, not shoe-horning himself into a box that someone else told him he ought to fit into.

**If **(by Rudyard Kipling)
*If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!*

So, OP…which of your sons needs more help in acting like a man? Maybe as it stands the older is not ahead of the younger? But they are both boys, and boys need help. Don’t worry, but remember that you always knew that they would both need your guidance to become the men that the Lord made them to be.

 

[Cat]

Exactly. And that’s precisely why I’m fairly certain there are gay professional athletes who appear entirely manly. I think it may have been an open secret among NHL insiders that Mark Messier was one?

Just out of curiosity, where does the Bible condemn effeminacy in men?

I Corinthians 6:9.

According to the Ryrie Study Bible, the term “effeminate” refers to those who allow themselves to be used unnaturally. The NAB uses the word “boy prostitutes” instead of “effeminate,” and the notes say that these boys were “kept” (Greco-Roman practice).

So yes, LaSainte is correct that the word refers to a type of homosexual practice.

I realize that many of the laws in the Old Testament became null and void after Jesus’ sacrifice on Calvary, but there is a “law” in Deuteronomy 22:5 that is worth thinking about in the context of this thread: “A woman shall not wear man’s clothing, nor shall a man put on a woman’s clothing; for whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord your God.”

I think that God intends for men and women to look and act differently from each other.

As I have said several times, the various masculine and feminine behaviors are learned and become habitual, and that means that they can be changed and new habits established. It is not part of a man’s God-given personality to “run like a girl,” e.g., Any man (or woman) can learn the correct way to run. Training a boy (or girl) to run correctly will not fill them with doubts about themselves or destroy their sense of self-worth. On the contrary, helping a child to learn this skill will help them to be more self-confident and happy with themselves.

Throughout the childrearing years, parents “interfere” with a child’s natural inclinication and force them to act differently than they wish to act.

I see nothing wrong with parents training a child to be more socially acceptable and helping them to develop various skills that will help them to fit in with their peers. Someone above mentioned basic hygeine and dressing skills–this is the kind of thing that parents should do, and they should NOT worry about hurting the child’s feelings or upsetting his self-esteem.

I know a lot of women who teach their daughters how to look and act like beautiful ladies–I think this is very important for mothers and grandmothers to teach their daughters.

Same for men–they teach their boys how to be strong and confident men. This is good, and will not hurt the boy’s self-image.

In the South, many parents send their children to “Charm School” to learn good manners and social skills. Many parents insist that a child try new experiences, even if the child is shy or timid; the parents realize that a child cannot be allowed to just stay alone all the time. Likewise, many parents insist that a lively, social child must learn to be quiet at certain times.

I think that telling a child, “You’re fine just the way you are!” is actually more hurtful, because the child usually knows that something isn’t quite right because all the other kids make fun of him or her, or they have no friends at all. But when the parents tell him/her that there is no need to change, he/she feels hopeless and confused.

When I was growing up, I was made fun of because my mother dressed me the way she was dressed when she was a little girl. My mom was from the South, and didn’t get out much, and she honestly didn’t realize that girls weren’t wearing the same kind of dresses that little girls wore when she was little. It wasn’t until I reached 6th grade that a kind girl, one of the most beautiful and popular girls in the class, invited me and another girl over to her house, and she talked about fashions and showed us her dresses and some fashion magazines, and she was sooo nice and friendly and beautiful–it dawned on me that I really did look like an out-of-date weirdo and maybe that’s why kids made fun of me!

So I went home and told my mother that I needed to wear dresses like the other girls, and she was very amenable to the idea of doing some shopping so I would be “in style” and fit in. And yes, it made a huge difference in my relationships with the other girls and the boys in my class. Bless that kind girl who chose a good way to help a little misfit fit in! (I wonder if her mother advised her of the best way to help her classmates who were in need of help.)

 

[EasterJoy]

Same for men–they teach their boys how to be strong and confident men. This is good, and will not hurt the boy’s self-image.

This is true, as long as the instruction does not advocate in favor of false boundaries or raise false expectations. You’re right, it can do a lot of good!

It does not hurt to say, “the other kids do such and so and you don’t…does that bother you? Would you like to be more like them, or would you rather not? Can I at least get you to try it, so I’ll know you know what you’re turning down?” Some kids do wish they knew why they don’t seem to fit in. Others want to be like others or to excel in some way or another that they currently don’t, but don’t know how to do it or even believe that it is possible. Others treat new experiences like strange vegetables, and have to be forced to try anything new!

If a child gets this kind of information and yet does not want to “fit in”, though, they should not be forced into behaviors that are not actually obligatory, only into those behaviors that are required to be polite, charitable, and decent. There is such a thing as giving a child too much of a desire to bend to the pressures of the crowd, after all.

Still, your point is well-taken. There is a balance to be struck in these matters.

 

[ManOnFire]

What some boys are missing in our modern society is a sense of power. When people struggled for mere survival, young boys felt needed and necessary for survival (i’m sure all people felt this sense of urgency). They skills they learned brought food, they learned to be as tough as their personalitites would allow. This has been replaced by the relative comfort of our modern life. Ironically, some parents’ define a good life as one with comfort, which means less struggle, and less sense of worth. The urgency and need to be valued has disappeared in some boys.

I would start him off by giving him chores where he will eventually succeed. You might need to give all your kids some form of chore so he won’t be wondering what is up. Like emptying the dishwasher or preferably teaching him to chop a small pile of wood. Then praise him once he finishes. Do this for other chores and challenges. Intentionally take your older son out of the home at night, look at him gravely and importantly in the eyes, and tell him that he’s the “man of the house” while you’re gone, and that you’re counting on him to protect the women. Praise him when you return. I believe that boys need to feel charged with something important, but start slowly.

My 2 cents, FWIW.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Folks, in all seriousness, I think there has been a HUGE over-reaction to this thread, possibly because the OP titled it in a way that suggested more was going on than really was.

The OP’s son runs funny, and his brother has been teasing him and getting the scout troop to tease him, using his name, mispronounced. Does that equal effeminate? To me, all it says is that he runs funny and his brother is being a jerk. The OP has a history of questioning HIS OWN sexuality, and thus this may be more of an issue for HIM than for his son. Focusing on teaching the son how to act, how to stop being effeminate, taking martial arts lessons, etc. isn’t going to correct the older brother’s jerkiness, nor remove the OP’s own fear that his son is like he was.

To me, the issue is a lot less the younger son, who runs funny, than it is about the older son being a jerk to his brother, (“GAYbrel”) and the OP’s own history with sexuality.

The funny running is the ONLY thing the OP has stated is “effeminate” about his son.

 

[Eleanor61]

Folks, in all seriousness, I think there has been a HUGE over-reaction to this thread, possibly because the OP titled it in a way that suggested more was going on than really was.

The OP’s son runs funny, and his brother has been teasing him and getting the scout troop to tease him, using his name, mispronounced. Does that equal effeminate? To me, all it says is that he runs funny and his brother is being a jerk. The OP has a history of questioning HIS OWN sexuality, and thus this may be more of an issue for HIM than for his son. Focusing on teaching the son how to act, how to stop being effeminate, taking martial arts lessons, etc. isn’t going to correct the older brother’s jerkiness, nor remove the OP’s own fear that his son is like he was.

To me, the issue is a lot less the younger son, who runs funny, than it is about the older son being a jerk to his brother, (“GAYbrel”) and the OP’s own history with sexuality.

The funny running is the ONLY thing the OP has stated is “effeminate” about his son.

That was the first thing I thought, that this was really about the father’s doubts about himself, and a lack of discipline and training in the older brother, but it isn’t what the OP asked about. He asked for advice on the younger boy and that is what he got. A lot of advice. We can’t be blamed for responding to the question rather than the problem. And could someone correct the spelling of effeminate? It is driving me crazy. ( a short putt, I know)

 

[Irishmom2]

I suppose I am asking if it is actually a problem for him, or are you just thinking it is because of your own personal history and seek to prevent it for him.

That is what I said back in post 20.

And here it is again from Juliane. I still think this is the real question.

[/QUOTE]

 

[TheRealJuliane]

That was the first thing I thought, that this was really about the father’s doubts about himself, and a lack of discipline and training in the older brother, but it isn’t what the OP asked about. He asked for advice on the younger boy and that is what he got. A lot of advice. We can’t be blamed for responding to the question rather than the problem. And could someone correct the spelling of effeminate? It is driving me crazy. ( a short putt, I know)

Not blaming, just stating what I saw, and that sometimes, what the OP feels is the problem, isn’t. Regardless of the question asked, if that’s not the problem, what is the point of giving tons of advice that won’t help? Focusing on the younger son with such intensity isn’t going to help the older son stop being a jerk to his brother. Since the OP is a therapist, he should know about displacement and projection.

 

[LaSainte]

I Corinthians 6:9.

According to the Ryrie Study Bible, the term “effeminate” refers to those who allow themselves to be used unnaturally. The NAB uses the word “boy prostitutes” instead of “effeminate,” and the notes say that these boys were “kept” (Greco-Roman practice).

So yes, LaSainte is correct that the word refers to a type of homosexual practice.

I realize that many of the laws in the Old Testament became null and void after Jesus’ sacrifice on Calvary, but there is a “law” in Deuteronomy 22:5 that is worth thinking about in the context of this thread: “A woman shall not wear man’s clothing, nor shall a man put on a woman’s clothing; for whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord your God.”

I think that God intends for men and women to look and act differently from each other.

As I have said several times, the various masculine and feminine behaviors are learned and become habitual, and that means that they can be changed and new habits established. It is not part of a man’s God-given personality to “run like a girl,” e.g., Any man (or woman) can learn the correct way to run. Training a boy (or girl) to run correctly will not fill them with doubts about themselves or destroy their sense of self-worth. On the contrary, helping a child to learn this skill will help them to be more self-confident and happy with themselves.

Throughout the childrearing years, parents “interfere” with a child’s natural inclinication and force them to act differently than they wish to act.

I see nothing wrong with parents training a child to be more socially acceptable and helping them to develop various skills that will help them to fit in with their peers. Someone above mentioned basic hygeine and dressing skills–this is the kind of thing that parents should do, and they should NOT worry about hurting the child’s feelings or upsetting his self-esteem.

I know a lot of women who teach their daughters how to look and act like beautiful ladies–I think this is very important for mothers and grandmothers to teach their daughters.

Same for men–they teach their boys how to be strong and confident men. This is good, and will not hurt the boy’s self-image.

In the South, many parents send their children to “Charm School” to learn good manners and social skills. Many parents insist that a child try new experiences, even if the child is shy or timid; the parents realize that a child cannot be allowed to just stay alone all the time. Likewise, many parents insist that a lively, social child must learn to be quiet at certain times.

I think that telling a child, “You’re fine just the way you are!” is actually more hurtful, because the child usually knows that something isn’t quite right because all the other kids make fun of him or her, or they have no friends at all. But when the parents tell him/her that there is no need to change, he/she feels hopeless and confused.

When I was growing up, I was made fun of because my mother dressed me the way she was dressed when she was a little girl. My mom was from the South, and didn’t get out much, and she honestly didn’t realize that girls weren’t wearing the same kind of dresses that little girls wore when she was little. It wasn’t until I reached 6th grade that a kind girl, one of the most beautiful and popular girls in the class, invited me and another girl over to her house, and she talked about fashions and showed us her dresses and some fashion magazines, and she was sooo nice and friendly and beautiful–it dawned on me that I really did look like an out-of-date weirdo and maybe that’s why kids made fun of me!

So I went home and told my mother that I needed to wear dresses like the other girls, and she was very amenable to the idea of doing some shopping so I would be “in style” and fit in. And yes, it made a huge difference in my relationships with the other girls and the boys in my class. Bless that kind girl who chose a good way to help a little misfit fit in! (I wonder if her mother advised her of the best way to help her classmates who were in need of help.)

Teaching a boy to run properly is hardly the same as changing everything about the poor kid by hiring an acting coach so he doesn’t “seem” gay, throwing away all of his clothes
that might have feminine colors, forcing him to become conversant in sports lingo, forcing him to wear team clothing, Etc.

Now as it turns out, this boy doesn’t seem to be as effeminate as it first appeared from the OP, but employing all of the above would completely undermine a boy’s self-esteem and make them feel unloved/inadequate.

I noticed not one of these suggestions had anything to do with what might be going on INSIDE, but only addressed very superficial outward concerns. How about hiring a girl to be his beard while he’s at it-forget about what might be the source of this behavior. Just cover it up and don’t talk about it.

 

[Contarini]

I did NOT say to tell him that everything about him is “gay”.

But wrong–yes! It is not right for a man to act or look like a woman. Do you all realize that the Bible condemns effeminacy in men, and also masculinity in a woman?

No, because the Bible doesn’t have anything to say about what you are calling “effeminacy” (tone of voice, mannerisms, etc.). You are reading this into the Bible.

Certainly there are plenty of people who are trying to change the world and make us all more tolerant, but it’s a long way away yet, and hopefully, the time will never come when a man who looks and acts like a woman is praised for being that way.

Double standard here. You don’t really want the world to become more tolerant–your last sentence makes that clear. You’re taking ephemeral cultural stereotypes about what is “feminine” and “masculine” and confusing them with Christian moral teaching.

Again, I am shocked that Christians see nothing wrong with a man who looks and acts “feminine.” I’m really, really stunned by this thread.

Well, that’s what happens when you participate on an open discussion forum–occasionally you hear something new!

With all due respect, being “stunned” isn’t an argument. You haven’t provided any Biblical or theological reason why mannerisms, the pitch of one’s voice, etc., have any moral significance whatsoever. You are going back and forth between the argument that we should simply conform to cultural stereotypes and the argument that the Bible actually supports these stereotypes.

But sitting with legs crossed and a limp wrist–that is a feminine posture and boys and men should try hard not to sit that way

Why?

Edwin

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I would suggest that if the boy is a bit uncoordinated running, perhaps ask his pediatrician, or perhaps a Physical Therapist.

He might have muscle weakness or poor muscle tone (two of my children needed physical therapy as babies due to hypotonia), just a thought.

 

[Contarini]

I Corinthians 6:9.

According to the Ryrie Study Bible, the term “effeminate” refers to those who allow themselves to be used unnaturally. The NAB uses the word “boy prostitutes” instead of “effeminate,” and the notes say that these boys were “kept” (Greco-Roman practice).

So yes, LaSainte is correct that the word refers to a type of homosexual practice.

Exactly. Doesn’t this quite obviously mean that your earlier claim that the Bible condemns “effeminacy” (understood as certain mannerisms, etc.) is simply false? Yet I don’t see that recognition in this post.

I realize that many of the laws in the Old Testament became null and void after Jesus’ sacrifice on Calvary, but there is a “law” in Deuteronomy 22:5 that is worth thinking about in the context of this thread: “A woman shall not wear man’s clothing, nor shall a man put on a woman’s clothing; for whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord your God.”

Whether this directly applies to Christians is up for debate, perhaps, but no one is advocating cross-dressing here. You’re extrapolating to the principle that cultural norms enforcing strict differences between men and women should be upheld, and that young people whose behavior threatens to violate these norms in any way should be shamed and coerced into changing their behavior, and that great effort and expense should be devoted to this project by their parents. The Scriptural passages to which you are appealing (in a highly out-of-context, prooftexting fashion) don’t provide anything like an adequate support for these very strong claims.

I see nothing wrong with parents training a child to be more socially acceptable and helping them to develop various skills that will help them to fit in with their peers.

But that’s a separate argument. First we establish what, if anything, Scripture and Tradition require us to believe on the subject. Then we ask whether the cultural norms in question are good, bad, or indifferent. In my opinion the violence and brutality with which these particular norms are enforced make it a sin for parents to try to force their children to comply with them. It’s If we had gangs of thugs murdering people, or taunting them into suicide, for eating with the wrong fork, I’d consider it a Christian duty not to train my children to eat with the right fork, because in those cultural circumstances eating with the right fork would be a tacit compliance with the forces of darkness. It would have become a demonic idol. And that’s what has happened with “masculinity” and “femininity” in significant sections of American society.

Christians who accept these sorts of gender norms aren’t actually reinforcing orthodox Christian morality–they are discrediting it, by associating it with ephemeral and often silly ideas of what is “masculine” and “feminine.” If we don’t stand up uncompromisingly and boldly against the terror visited on young people who “act gay,” our witness to orthodox Christian sexuality will not be taken seriously by the people who most need to hear it.

Edwin

 

[Razanir]

I’d look into this more to see if there’s a different reason he’s being called gay. I’m much more stereotypically feminine than he sounds and maybe once have I ever been called gay. For context,

• I’ve been in the flute section for 8 years
• There’s a few video games where I prefer to play as a girl
• As a side effect of being the only guy in the flute section, I know a bit more about girls than most guys
• They actually declared me an “honorary girl” last year (So the section leader could just say “Girls!” and mean the flute section)
• My entire opinion on sports- “Go whatever school I’m at!”
• I watch the Super Bowl for the commercials
• I like theater (Romeo and Juliet and Oedipus Rex are awesome)

And despite all this, I’m an Eagle scout and have a girlfriend. Who, for the record, I wound up going out with because I’m a nice guy. We first became friends because she was on crutches and didn’t seem to know anyone on the academic team…

 

[EasterJoy]

I would suggest that if the boy is a bit uncoordinated running, perhaps ask his pediatrician, or perhaps a Physical Therapist.

He might have muscle weakness or poor muscle tone (two of my children needed physical therapy as babies due to hypotonia), just a thought.

I know a kid who ran like an old man; turns out that he had two bones in his foot that had never separated properly. Usually it isn’t discovered until it is too late, but as it was it was discovered when he was twelve when the problem could still be addressed by surgery. Another ran very stiffly, and it turned out that he had a hamstring problem that could be addressed with physical therapy. He’s not the fastest guy, but with dedication to his exercises he’s a lot faster than he was!

Most doctors, however, are going to want a patient to try to address problems by normal means before bringing the medical field in. IOW: try instruction and practice first.

 

[SMHW]

To me, the issue is a lot less the younger son, who runs funny, than it is about the older son being a jerk to his brother, (“GAYbrel”) and the OP’s own history with sexuality.

That was the first thing I thought, that this was really about the father’s doubts about himself, and a lack of discipline and training in the older brother, but it isn’t what the OP asked about. He asked for advice on the younger boy and that is what he got. A lot of advice. We can’t be blamed for responding to the question rather than the problem.

I think these points are important.

But even if the father is projecting his own problems, and even if the older son is being a jerk, there are enough other people out there who will make life miserable for the younger son that it is still useful for him to learn coping skills. My guess is that this boy is going to be teased for running awkwardly even if the “gay” appellation is never used.

We all have handicaps. Some are innate. Some are developmental. Some are physical handicaps. Some are personality handicaps. And no one should tease or berate another for a handicap but plenty of people will do so anyway. If an individual wants to enjoy the benefits that come from using his handicapped self then it behooves the individual to overcome or work around the handicap. There is a practical limit to the accommodations that can be expected from others.

One of the most important (although regrettable) lessons we teach our children is that we need to treat others well but we can’t always depend on others to do the same for us. It is prudent for us to avoid looking like a target if we don’t want to be a target.

 

[mt_gooseberry]

Growing up, I was an extreme tomboy. I looked like a boy, talked like a boy. I played with the boys. I didn’t want to have anything to do with boys romantically. I never dated. My first boyfriend was my DH, at age 22. My mother has admitted that she was sure I was a lesbian.

Now I am a married mother of two, who is a domestic “goddess,” and very feminine. I cook, bake, sew, knit, wear makeup, love fashion, you name it.

Nobody made me change. It was just a natural progression, from tomboy to girly-girl. Don’t get me wrong, I can still talk football with the best of 'em, and I enjoy a romp through the woods with my fishing pole. But I have embraced my motherhood and femininity with pride and joy. No interference needed, nor would it have been appreciated.

Just sayin’.

 

[SMHW]

Growing up, I was an extreme tomboy. I looked like a boy, talked like a boy. I played with the boys. I didn’t want to have anything to do with boys romantically. I never dated. My first boyfriend was my DH, at age 22. My mother has admitted that she was sure I was a lesbian.

While I am sure it happens I don’t think Western women suffer nearly as much from being accused of masculine behavior as men do from being accused of female behavior. Both sexes get teased about having the appearance of the opposite sex but that tends not to happen to women until they are well into adulthood and are (hopefully) more emotionally mature.

My point is that this is a mainly male problem at younger ages.

 

[EasterJoy]

Growing up, I was an extreme tomboy. I looked like a boy, talked like a boy. I played with the boys. I didn’t want to have anything to do with boys romantically. I never dated. My first boyfriend was my DH, at age 22. My mother has admitted that she was sure I was a lesbian.

Now I am a married mother of two, who is a domestic “goddess,” and very feminine. I cook, bake, sew, knit, wear makeup, love fashion, you name it.

Nobody made me change. It was just a natural progression, from tomboy to girly-girl. Don’t get me wrong, I can still talk football with the best of 'em, and I enjoy a romp through the woods with my fishing pole. But I have embraced my motherhood and femininity with pride and joy. No interference needed, nor would it have been appreciated.

Just sayin’.

I, too, spent most of my time with the boys. I still think that even a tomboy ought to be taught how to wear women’s clothing without looking like a cat in a bonnet: how to put on hose without putting yourself into a sweat, how to hold your body so it looks as if you realize you are in fact wearing a dress and not still catching the fourth inning at a softball game, how to walk in heels so you don’t look like you’re a ten year old caught playing in Mommy’s closet. You don’t have to like all that, you ought not be forced to do it when it is not obligatory, but you still need to be taught how to do it competently. You never know when that competence is going to be wanted or needed.