Dealing with criticism in my parish community when discussing infertility treatment

[april32010]

It’s either that or my wife suffers death by pregnancy.

Are you advocating she dies? I thought purposefully killing someone was a mortal sin too, and impregnating her would be doing just that.

than control yourself

 

[blaskoman]

Well, as a cafeteria catholic, I’d say its better that you go “eat” at another religion. If you want yo pick and choose what catholic teaching you want to follow, then you are not in communion with the true Church

 

[Viewer]

than control yourself

And what do I do when she requests her perfectly valid right to intercourse which she does?

I sin if I say no, but I also sin if I say yes. Eitherway I’m stuffed

Not everything is as clear cut as we and myself especially would like it to be.

 

[Viewer]

Well, as a cafeteria catholic, I’d say its better that you go “eat” at another religion. If you want yo pick and choose what catholic teaching you want to follow, then you are not in communion with the true Church

I can’t imagine why church attendance is dropping faster than a whores knickers…

 

[april32010]

And what do I do when she requests her perfectly valid right to intercourse which she does?

I sin if I say no, but I also sin if I say yes. Eitherway I’m stuffed

sin darkens the intellect

 

[Viewer]

sin darkens the intellect

And this is dodging the question, which proves my point.

 

[UnCatholicBride]

Well, as a cafeteria catholic, I’d say its better that you go “eat” at another religion. If you want yo pick and choose what catholic teaching you want to follow, then you are not in communion with the true Church

My beliefs are more closely aligned with that of the Catholic Church than of any protestant denomination. Therefore I worship in the congregation that I feel most closely aligned with.

 

[april32010]

My beliefs are more closely aligned with that of the Catholic Church than of any protestant denomination. Therefore I worship in the congregation that I feel most closely aligned with.

no their not ,you deny the teaching of the Church and depend on sol scriptura

 

[Rau]

And what do I do when she requests her perfectly valid right to intercourse which she does?

I sin if I say no, but I also sin if I say yes. Eitherway I’m stuffed

Not everything is as clear cut as we and myself especially would like it to be.

You do not sin by saying yes. An appropriately couched, “not today because I think we need first to think about pregnancy and have a plan” would also not be a sin. Why is your wife so less concerned than you? Have you considered limiting sex to infertile times?

 

[Lorelei12]

I am not really sure what kinds of responses you expect to hear from people in your Church community (or here on Catholic Answers, for that matter) after you tell them this. If you’d rather not hear that what you are doing is wrong, then you can simply stop broadcasting it to people.

If you have chosen to be open about your infertility with people at church, coworkers, neighbors, and even random cashiers, you are opening yourself up to comments of all kinds. This is true of anything private you choose to share with people.

You are asking for advice on how to “defend your decision”. I’m guessing you won’t get much of the advice you are looking for here, because those of us who agree with Church teaching are not going to tell you how you can defend something that is wrong. I do hope that you don’t continue, but if you do it would be kind of you not to provoke your fellow parishioners any further. You are putting them in the uncomfortable position of having to point out that you are acting immorally, something I’m sure they’d rather not have to do. So keeping any further details about reproduction to yourselves is probably best. There is no need to draw attention to yourselves in this way, especially within the Church community.

 

[EmeraldOak]

I believe that God has used my infertility struggle to call me to be an advocate for women faced with subpar fertility.

I agree more compassion is needed by fertile people towards infertile people. They don’t understand because they can’t. They have not lived your life experiences. There will always be idiots that say and do insensitive things. But the people who are being honest with you that IVF is immoral are only trying to help you. It may not feel like it, but they love you enough to tell you the truth. I was an infertile woman for 6 years. We adopted our first child and it is a beautiful and life-changing experience. Please, please consider adoption. Just like you are waiting and praying to be a Mommy there is a child somewhere that needs a Mommy. If finances are an issue then consider becoming a foster parent and foster to adopt. Yes, there are emotional & financial risks, but no more than with IVF. IVF will only give you the illusion of more control.

 

[april32010]

And this is dodging the question, which proves my point.

no it doesn’t ,you are in a state of mortal sin and you deny the Church teaching on the sin in question because all you are concerned with is exercising your will:shrug:

 

[TraderTif]

Yeah, I’m not really sure what you’re expecting - if you tell Catholics that you’re doing something that goes against Catholic teaching, then they’re gonna feel compelled to at least say something about it. What are you looking for? People to agree with or encourage you, or something?

(Out of curiosity, is there a reason that you’re going the ART route, instead of, say, the NaPro Technology, or something along those lines, route??) Infertility stinks, for sure…

 

[Viewer]

You do not sin by saying yes. An appropriately couched, “not today because I think we need first to think about pregnancy and have a plan” would also not be a sin. Why is your wife so less concerned than you? Have you considered limiting sex to infertile times?

NFP? Uh huh…We tried that with our first three children. Don’t get me wrong, I love them dearly and wouldn’t wish it any other way but all of them were conceived during “infertile” periods. We were practically tearing each others hair out reviewing everything for mistakes but there were none. I have become skeptical at very best of NFP and “infertile” times.

My wife is actually Orthodox, but far more liberal and “progressive” minded than myself.

And it is not a sin? Hrm, I remember being berated by a Catholic priest (relative of hers) for not giving into her “demands” often enough .

no it doesn’t ,you are in a state of mortal sin and you deny the Church teaching on the sin in question because all you are concerned with is exercising your will:shrug:

That’s right, I’m exercising my will to not leave my children without a mother. How dare I.

 

[Rau]

Yes- the reason most people don’t talk about loss or infertility is because of the insensitive comments of others. There is NO shame in grief. There is NO shame in mourning a child you have lost. There is NO shame in the reality that not everyone gets pregnant at the drop of a hat.

The ONLY way that there will ever be cultural change when it comes to how people speak with/to/about those struggling with pregnancy loss and infertility is if we stop hiding in the shadows. It’s not gossip when you are the one speaking about it. It’s not gossip when you make it know that you are OK with answering questions. It’s not gossip when you invite the conversation.

Shame is not relevant to this topic. What “cultural change” do you seek? That one person should not feel sadness at the suffering of another? That the suffering party should not feel upset at causing another empathy?

Feel free to speak out on these matters if you wish. But there is no cultural change to be had. The only change you seek, from what I’ve read, is a change in Church teaching.

 

[april32010]

sin has plenty of excuses

 

[UnCatholicBride]

I agree more compassion is needed by fertile people towards infertile people. They don’t understand because they can’t. They have not lived your life experiences. There will always be idiots that say and do insensitive things. But the people who are being honest with you that IVF is immoral are only trying to help you.

Honestly, it’s not the “IVF is immoral” comments that I get. It’s the “Maybe God is telling you you’re not mean to be a parent” comments that I want to address. I’ve long since accepted the fact that there will always be a divide between Catholics who pursue ART and Catholics who will counsel us against the sin.

Perhaps “defend” was not the right word I was looking for. It’s more of needing to diffuse/redirect when well-intentioned folks take their comments too far.

 

[maryjk]

I am not really sure what kinds of responses you expect to hear from people in your Church community (or here on Catholic Answers, for that matter) after you tell them this. If you’d rather not hear that what you are doing is wrong, then you can simply stop broadcasting it to people.

If you have chosen to be open about your infertility with people at church, coworkers, neighbors, and even random cashiers, you are opening yourself up to comments of all kinds. This is true of anything private you choose to share with people.

Exactly.

The best way to defend your decision?

Stop telling people about your choice to sin.

 

[Cider]

And this is dodging the question, which proves my point.

The Church recognizes that there are valid reasons to avoid pregnancy and provides guidelines for licit means to do so. All you have to do is seek out the answers. I’d suggest posting in the ask the apologist forum.

 

[Winter_Warlock_1]

Bride,

I will pray that all works out for you and your husband.

But my view: it is no one elses concern what you are going through to conceive. God has granted us (people) the ability to heal / cure / repair and comfort each other. God tells us from the very beginning to be “Fruitful and Multiply”. I also view a lot of our ailments to be caused because of all the pollutants that we have thrown all over Gods world – not punishment from God.

There are those that believe that if we have an illness that we should just pray and if it is Gods will we will be cured. And in some cases that is so blessfully true. But we also have doctors that can do God’s will by healing us. And that is what you are doing.

Remain strong in Faith and always trust in God.

Winter