Dealing with family who doesn't care for their kids

[mrs_ahs]

1. I never said I wasn’t going to call. It is still a possibility that I will call.

But you haven’t called. You haven’t, and you should have. Period.

1. And if I didn’t call, it wouldn’t be because there was a possibility they may be in a worse situation. It would be because I found a better solution than calling CPS.

You are giving yourself too much power here. You have told us that you don’t have the financial resources to do much for them, and that even if you did, the parents aren’t listening to common sense. There’s nothing else you can do. No one can force these people to become better parents. They have to want to, and there is nothing you can do to make them want that. They have to want it for themselves. Meanwhile, their children are suffering. You do not have control over what happens to the children if you call. It might be that nothing happens. However, if you do not call, nothing will change. The children will continue to be neglected and continue to suffer, guaranteed.

1. If I were making excuses as to why I shouldn’t call, it would be pretty easy to do. I doubt I’d post a thread on here getting advice and spend hours of my day worried about the situation. If that’s what I wanted to do, I would just make some lame excuse and forget about the whole thing…

It happens all the time. There are threads here by women who are being verbally abused by their husbands, cheated on, etc. They come here asking for advice, and when the advice they get involves leaving to protect themselves or their children, they make excuses for their husbands left and right.

1. We’re judged on what we fail to do, but also on what we do. If I fail to act I may be judged for doing the wrong thing. On the other hand, it’s possible calling CPS (instead of directly helping) may also be the wrong call and I could be judged for it as well. You seem pretty convinced CPS will magically swoop in immediately and fix everything. Even if I called right now, it would probably be weeks before CPS even paid them a visit, since there are probably so many other families in life threatening situations that take “priority” over theirs.

So? So it might take weeks. Why are you mentioning that? You still need to call. Yes, we are judged for **our own **acts of commission and omission. It is an act of omission to see child neglect that has not improved, and fail to report it. You will NOT be judged for what others do. You cannot take responsibility for the actions of others. You are worried about things that might happen, instead of taking action regarding things that HAVE happened and that ARE happening. Harmful things. Dangerous things.

I never said that I thought CPS would swoop in and fix everything. I am an RN and I’m well aware of how they operate. It’s very likely that you will have to call many times before they get a visit. So? Do it.

4)My moral obligation is to help the children. It’s best to try and help them in a way that has the least risk for harming them. If CPS/foster care could potentially be a risk, I have an obligation to seek a better alternative if I can.

You are wrong that your obligation is to seek a better alternative. Your job is to call CPS until they make a visit. Their job is to evaluate the situation and see what can be done to help the parents and the children. Foster care will always carry some risk. That is not a justification for not calling CPS.

Look, I don’t think you are grasping the gravity of this situation. You have seen the neglect with your own eyes (leaving a baby unsupervised, bleeding rashes, refusal to change diapers when needed, time and time again). There is probably more (worse) going on that you don’t know about, because that is usually how it works. If I, as a nurse, knew those things about a parent and it was discovered that I had failed to report it, I would lose my license, be arrested, and thrown in jail. It’s a crime, punishable with jail time. There are laws in place that protect reports that are made in good faith. You are not calling to spite someone, you’re calling out of genuine concern, so no, CPS will not judge you for calling in good faith. There are policies in place to protect those who make reports in good faith.

 

[mrs_ahs]

Well, it’s not that simple. When it’s the husband’s family, unless you really want to completely sever ties with half of your family (husband and wife are one flesh), it’s just not that easy. There are factors that have to be considered, and actions such as calling CPS can throw you into the fire as well as removing you from the sphere of influence for the children. The OP could lose the ability to have any contact with her god-daughter, and that would be a negative. She has said that her husband’s family are not as concerned about or are more tolerant of Mr. X, Mrs. X and their parenting style. If she calls CPS, it’s going to start a war. At the very least, she and her husband need to agree to do this and they need to accept the consequences. .

Are you serious? You really think that her relationship with her inlaws should possibly take precedence over the safety and physical needs of small children? That the possiblility of her inlaws shunning her should stop her from taking action to try to get these children some help? Really???!!!

BTW, the incident with the rodent is hearsay only, not something she has seen…

So? The children in diapers have bleeding diaper rashes. The mother refuses to change dirty diapers for hours after they are soiled. She has left the baby unsupervised in public places. She stated that the mother said she would “have to start giving her a bath” regarding the oldest child when she began attending school. These are the things she has seen with her own eyes! I feel really sad for these kids, and really sickened that people keep making excuses for the adults while these children continue to be neglected. I really wish I knew who this family was so that I could call myself.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Are you serious? You really think that her relationship with her inlaws should possibly take precedence over the safety and physical needs of small children? That the possiblility of her inlaws shunning her should stop her from taking action to try to get these children some help? Really???!!!

So? The children in diapers have bleeding diaper rashes. The mother refuses to change dirty diapers for hours after they are soiled. She has left the baby unsupervised in public places. She stated that the mother said she would “have to start giving her a bath” regarding the oldest child when she began attending school. These are the things she has seen with her own eyes! I feel really sad for these kids, and really sickened that people keep making excuses for the adults while these children continue to be neglected. I really wish I knew who this family was so that I could call myself.

No, that’s not what I mean. I said that if the OP calls CPS, she needs to have agreement with her husband, since that choice is likely to mean that the family completely cuts them off and refuses any contact with Mr. and Mrs. X and their children. These situations are not as cut-and-dried as you make them out to be. There is every possibility that nothing would happen from the CPS call except that the OP would no longer have any access to her god-daughter or the family, and would not be able to affect any change for Mrs. X.

What I recommended is that the OP either mentor Mrs. X herself, or find a mentor for her, or an agency outside of CPS that can help them. To plow forward and have the children removed from that home would be my last choice, if I absolutely knew that they were being abused. No, their situation is not optimum. It may be able to be improved through some other form of intervention. CPS would NOT be my first choice.

 

[mrs_ahs]

No, that’s not what I mean. I said that if the OP calls CPS, she needs to have agreement with her husband, since that choice is likely to mean that the family completely cuts them off and refuses any contact with Mr. and Mrs. X and their children. These situations are not as cut-and-dried as you make them out to be. There is every possibility that nothing would happen from the CPS call except that the OP would no longer have any access to her god-daughter or the family, and would not be able to affect any change for Mrs. X…

NONE of that is nearly as important as the kids safety. It’s not even close.

What else is she supposed to do? This couple has shown over and over that they are not going to change simply by being told what needs to be done. The time for alternate solutions has PASSED. These people have refused help and it will have to be forced on them. Imagine that you think you are doing a fine job with cooking, and your family members don’t like the way you do it. If they send someone to your house to teach you how to cook the right way, are you going to start cooking the way they tell you to? Or, when they leave, will you go right back to the way you’ve been doing it for decades since you didn’t see anything wrong with it in the first place?

Like I said, there will always be a risk with foster care. But that is a very poor excuse for not calling. And calling CPS does NOT mean that she is “plowing forward and having the children removed from that home.” Not at all. CPS usually tries to work with the family to help the children stay in the home. She has an obligation to report this, and she cannot control everything that happens after that. Again, that does not mean that she should be designing and directing this program on her own. She does NOT have the resources.

 

[Regina_Love]

No.

1. I never said I wasn’t going to call. It is still a possibility that I will call.
2. And if I didn’t call, it wouldn’t be because there was a possibility they may be in a worse situation. It would be because I found a better solution than calling CPS.
3. If I were making excuses as to why I shouldn’t call, it would be pretty easy to do. I doubt I’d post a thread on here getting advice and spend hours of my day worried about the situation. If that’s what I wanted to do, I would just make some lame excuse and forget about the whole thing.
4. We’re judged on what we fail to do, but also on what we do. If I fail to act I may be judged for doing the wrong thing. On the other hand, it’s possible calling CPS (instead of directly helping) may also be the wrong call and I could be judged for it as well. You seem pretty convinced CPS will magically swoop in immediately and fix everything. Even if I called right now, it would probably be weeks before CPS even paid them a visit, since there are probably so many other families in life threatening situations that take “priority” over theirs.

My moral obligation is to help the children. It’s best to try and help them in a way that has the least risk for harming them. If CPS/foster care could potentially be a risk, I have an obligation to seek a better alternative if I can.

you are very wise! May God bless, and guide your efforts!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

NONE of that is nearly as important as the kids safety. It’s not even close.

What else is she supposed to do? This couple has shown over and over that they are not going to change simply by being told what needs to be done. The time for alternate solutions has PASSED. These people have refused help and it will have to be forced on them. Imagine that you think you are doing a fine job with cooking, and your family members don’t like the way you do it. If they send someone to your house to teach you how to cook the right way, are you going to start cooking the way they tell you to? Or, when they leave, will you go right back to the way you’ve been doing it for decades since you didn’t see anything wrong with it in the first place?

Like I said, there will always be a risk with foster care. But that is a very poor excuse for not calling. And calling CPS does NOT mean that she is “plowing forward and having the children removed from that home.” Not at all. CPS usually tries to work with the family to help the children stay in the home. She has an obligation to report this, and she cannot control everything that happens after that. Again, that does not mean that she should be designing and directing this program on her own. She does NOT have the resources.

You have your viewpoint, and I have mine. And the OP has hers. She is going to talk to her husband today, and perhaps she will come back to give us an update. What I still think needs to happen is a LONG TERM mentoring situation which would be impossible after a call to CPS. The family will very likely be able to figure who called and that will be the end of any positive influence she could have. You are ignoring any other possible agency. There are churches and also other charities that might be able to help, without the onus of having CPS involved.

I am not talking about Mrs. X having a one-time cooking lesson. I am talking about much more daily and weekly contact. I’m thinking inviting the family over, going over there, arranging events, and doing things for them. Not all of this would need to be the OP, in fact, the more people she could draw in to the situation, the better it might work.

Please don’t continue to browbeat me into changing my opinion. It’s not going to work. I am not the person who can call CPS in any case, and the OP is proceeding cautiously.

 

[Regina_Love]

Honestly, I highly doubt social services would remove these children from the home! It costs nearly $90,000 per child, per year in foster care. Unless they fear these children are in imment danger of death, they do not remove them from the home in Nevada. They will threaton to take the kids away unless the parents start doing a better job. This makes the parents start trying a lot harder. SS will require that the parents attend parenting classes. They will offer training, and help with food, and finances. They will offer counseling for the parents, and children. The children could recieve speech therapy. They will help with lice erradication.

Dasi if this was my situation, I would try to help the family directly first. If I felt led by God to call SS. Then I would make an anonomous report in written typed form. Address it properly to Child & Family Serices, with Attention “Intake New Report” on the envelope. If e-mailing use a computer from the library. I would say in the report that I met up with the family (at a park) and had these concerns… I would not state my name or familial relationship! FYI - Their attorneys can get access to this report! In many cases it does not stay confidential.

I would do it this way to preserve family harmony as much as possible. Then if asked, “Did you call social services about us?” You can honestly say, “No, what happened?” If asked did you make a report about us. I would answer with a question. “Someone called SS? Oh my gosh, what did they say?” Also you can volunteer to help them. You can honestly say, “I want to help you keep the kids! What can I do?” After all, the best outcome is if they can remain together as a family, and become better parents! I know this is your true desire. They are blessed to have you for family! Even if you often go unappreciated.

 

[mrs_ahs]

Oh brother, the cooking analogy was just that - an analogy. I wasn’t talking about Mrs. X’s cooking. That’s why I said "imagine that you . . . " You do not know that the OP will lose influence with the family if she calls CPS. I am not ignoring other groups that could help. But they do not have the legal sway that CPS does. Church groups etc., can come in and help, and the X’s will refuse the help since they do not see that there is any problem. I think you are being naïve to think that more offers of help from groups that just want to help is going to suddenly make the X’s think that a change is necessary. CPS has the legal sway to threaten them with action, and that might give them the kick in the rear that they need to actually clean up their act.

Browbeat you? You certainly don’t have to agree with me, but my pointing out the flaws in your arguments does not mean that I am browbeating you.

 

[KellyPalmer]

NONE of that is nearly as important as the kids safety. It’s not even close.

What else is she supposed to do? This couple has shown over and over that they are not going to change simply by being told what needs to be done. The time for alternate solutions has PASSED. These people have refused help and it will have to be forced on them. Imagine that you think you are doing a fine job with cooking, and your family members don’t like the way you do it. If they send someone to your house to teach you how to cook the right way, are you going to start cooking the way they tell you to? Or, when they leave, will you go right back to the way you’ve been doing it for decades since you didn’t see anything wrong with it in the first place?

Like I said, there will always be a risk with foster care. But that is a very poor excuse for not calling. And calling CPS does NOT mean that she is “plowing forward and having the children removed from that home.” Not at all. CPS usually tries to work with the family to help the children stay in the home. She has an obligation to report this, and she cannot control everything that happens after that. Again, that does not mean that she should be designing and directing this program on her own. She does NOT have the resources.

Well she can start by telling them that there’s a problem. By the OP’s own account, no one has tried to talk to them about their parenting. I don’t see where you get the idea that they have “shown over and over that they are not going to change simply by being told what needs to be done.” The only example she has provided where anyone directly told her what needed to be done, Mrs X followed through and did what needed to be done. Other than that, no one has told them.

 

[ahs]

Well she can **start by telling them **that there’s a problem. By the OP’s own account, no one has tried to talk to them about their parenting. I don’t see where you get the idea that they have "shown over and over that they are not going to change simply by being told what needs to be done." The only example she has provided where anyone directly told her what needed to be done, Mrs X followed through and did what needed to be done. Other than that, no one has told them.

… They are constantly making bad decisions, but appear happy with their lives. When others in the family have tried to say anything it has fallen on deaf ears. ….Everyone in my husband’s immediate family feels stressed and concerned about them; often angry and/or frustrated. …The main problem we all have with Mr. & Mrs. X is how their behavior affects their little children. … I’m torn between being very helpful in befriending this couple, and not doing anything out of fear enabling.
There are pretty serious things going on. Mr. X goes from job to job frequently, often leaving gaps in pay. Even when he is working consistently, they mismanage their money and sometimes don’t have money for necessities like food and heat in their home for the winter.… Mr. X leaves most of the child rearing to her and she does not meet her children’s basic hygiene needs. I feel confident saying Mr. and Mrs. X do not meet their children’s physical needs- which is a requirement of parents according to our faith. Her children always have** bleeding diaper rashes**. …she** does not change her children’s diapers**. You can smell the poopy diapers the moment the children walk in the door and when you tell Mrs. X the children need to be changed she will make a comment like “I’m not going to waste a diaper” or “I’ll do it later” (then never does). I even offer to change diapers for her when I can, but she says she will do it herself. Her children are always dirty, their hair ratty. Mrs. X lacks common sense and cannot take a hint. You have to be very direct with her, but I feel “mean” doing this. I also feel mean** watching the children suffer**. We found out the children now have** lice**, and one was playing with a dead mouse inside of their house (their house is another story altogether). CPS has been called on them before from someone… In the past the family has talked to them about being irresponsible, especially in regards to money, but never about the parenting which is honestly by biggest concern. … Both my MIL and FIL and one of my husband’s sisters commented on taking extra vitamins after being around the family so they don’t get sick. My other SIL has stopped letting her children babysit for Mr. and Mrs. X or letting her younger children go over for sleepovers because she **doesn’t feel the house is safe/clean enough for her children **to be in…

…my husband** doesn’t understand how bad it is and he makes me think about how many have it worse- I forget how bad it is…MIL and FIL step in when it gets to the point of heat being shut off/needing food **for kids…

…**MIL had a talk with Mrs.X **about keeping the 7 year old clean at school so she wasn’t teased or picked on at school. Since then, Mrs.X has done a decent job of keeping the 7 year old “clean" (cleaner anyway). So, we know Mrs. X CAN do it- but apparently she only thinks so has to because of school. When once talking about how life is different when kids enter school, she said "Now I have to give her a bath!” …

…As for diapers, if someone gave them diapers I don’t think they would change their diapers more. In fact I tried giving her some free cloth diapers and she said she didn’t want them. If disposables were given to her, I think she would just continue change infrequently and “spread them out”, not helping the children at all.

…It’s cold here (we live up north) and my husband goes to the games sometimes (never in conflict with Mass) and sees the kids in inapproprate clothing for the season, cold. Last time he went she walked off with the older kids for a walk around the track and** left her baby in a stroller by himself. She has done this at a park this summer too, leaving the 7 year old in charge of the kids, then leaving so far away she isn’t even in eye-sight of the kids. **…When someone else called CPS recently, nothing really happened and they chalked it off to Mrs. X’s family being retaliatory …

Please explain which parts of the above (especially the bolded) would suggest that “no one has tried to talk to them” or that this couple has not shown that they will not change.
I have the deepest compassion for the couple and for the OP who is struggling with this decision. I don’t believe a rift in the family is worth protecting against while allowing these children to continue to be abused this way.

 

[KellyPalmer]

Please explain which parts of the above (especially the bolded) would suggest that “no one has tried to talk to them” or that this couple has not shown that they will not change.
I have the deepest compassion for the couple and for the OP who is struggling with this decision. I don’t believe a rift in the family is worth protecting against while allowing these children to continue to be abused this way.

Sure. I just pasted each bolded item one by one and responded to each but they were basically all the same responses. So I’ll just post it here all at once. My response to every single bolded quote is – This is not evidence of anyone talking to them about their parenting or telling them what to do with regard to parenting. In fact, some of the bolds were further proof that the family hasn’t talked to them because they are scared. It seems that you just highlighted a bunch of the problems, not that they are proof that the family has been told these things are wrong. You’ve also highlighted how these people do not know what they are doing is wrong which seems to be the key issue. That’s why it’s important for family to step in and inform them. They should stop hinting. Don’t offer a diaper or suggest changing. State in plain terms that what the minimum responsibilities in adequate parenting are in terms of diaper changing and that failing to do so is child neglect. Let them know the consequences. This news will be hard to take but it will be easier if it’s said with love and without judgement and shaming. Be there for them to digest the information and offer strategies for change along with the cold hard truth.

Additionally, you’ve done quite a bit of selective bolding and quoting such as the quote of mine. It said no one has tried to talk to them about their parenting. You left off the most important part of my sentence. Let me remind you of the post in the OP, “In the past the family has talked to them about being irresponsible, especially in regards to money,* but never about the parenting** which is honestly by biggest concern. We consulted our priest about them awhile back and his advice was asking if they would be receptive to correcting. This was about being irresponsible and not the parenting.”*

 

[ahs]

…This is not evidence of anyone talking to them about their parenting or telling them what to do with regard to parenting. In fact, some of the bolds were further proof that the family hasn’t talked to them because they are scared. It seems that you just highlighted a bunch of the problems, not that they are proof that the family has been told these things are wrong. You’ve also highlighted how these people do not know what they are doing is wrong which seems to be the key issue. That’s why it’s important for family to step in and inform them…
Additionally, you’ve done quite a bit of selective bolding and quoting such as the quote of mine. It said no one has tried to talk to them about their parenting. You left off the most important part of my sentence. Let me remind you of the post in the OP, “In the past the family has talked to them about being irresponsible, especially in regards to money,* but never about the parenting*** …”

You are right, I have done much selective bolding and quoting, but not to change the topic or the meaning of your statement. What I see from what I bolded IS communication about parenting, even if the OP does not see it as such. Please allow me to explain:

Yes, much of what has been communicated to this couple is not about how to parent, per se, but a parent makes ir/responsible choices that affect their children even if the choices are not toward “parenting”, per se, depending on your definition of parenting. For example, when I see that diapering and cleanliness have specifically been addressed to no avail, or very little, I see these are parenting issues that have been addressed and gone ignored by the couple. When I see the MIL and FIL have had to step in because food becomes a problem and the heat gets shut off, I see this as parenting issues that have been addressed and ignored/not corrected. Etc… So, the difference between your opinion and mine is based on what we see as a parenting issue having been addressed. As someone who has watched family members grow up in similar circumstances, perhaps I am more acute or rigid in my definitions on this particular topic. I will conceded on that much.

My personal opinion is that the OP does not have it within her power to help this couple based on what she has already done, other family members have done, and the [lack of] response of the parents. I would personally call CPS in this situation, knowing that foster care is NOT the primary/first resort of CPS. I believe CPS would be able to refer the couple to counseling, parenting classes, etc…which will help the couple and their children.

…They should stop hinting. Don’t offer a diaper or suggest changing. State in plain terms that what the minimum responsibilities in adequate parenting are in terms of diaper changing and that failing to do so is child neglect. Let them know the consequences. This news will be hard to take but it will be easier if it’s said with love and without judgement and shaming. Be there for them to digest the information and offer strategies for change along with the cold hard truth.

I agree with this excellent advice. Given what I have witnessed in my own limited time, I do believe this is a CPS case (again, removal and foster care is not the primary/first response of CPS). However, if the OP choses not to call, this would definitely be the correct action to begin taking on a regular basis.

 

[MaryT777]

Regarding the poster who noted to tell the family;
Minimum requirements for parenting
Consequences if they don’t meet these minimum requirements (I assume you mean a call to CPS)
can be assured that the kind soul trying to explain this will probably be banned from the house and the relationship severed. That will sound “threatening” to some people.

A family in that disrepair is going NOT to say
“OK Thanks for telling me the requirements of parenting
the definition of child neglect
and the consequences”
Before I took on that task I would call CPS and let them be the “fall guy”
Once again it will be a no brainer who called even with an anonymous report most people
know who in the family seems to be concerned and “stating go change the diaper” etc
will be a huge clue.

Lying to CPS is no answer either. Good grief. You just saw the family in the park or something. One should be honest and tell CPS the entire situation. You are a family member and have witnessed XYZ numerous times. The family has tried to intervene
to no avail. You’ll still be anonymous but to suggest to lie to CPS shows simply how
this goes. Someone is lying why?
To protect themselves from the inevitable breakdown that will occur in ther relationship
with the family once CPS is called.

Prayers for the situation and I do believe the OP is well inentioned and any decision made will not be made lightly with all possibilities discussed with DH ahead of time.
Mary.

 

[Dasi4747]

Well I thought I would give you guys an update.

I talked with hubby. Basically, I told him my conscious will no longer allow me to do nothing about the situation. Either we are talking to them and offering our help or we are calling CPS. He leaned toward talking to them and offering help, but said he needed time to think about it. I leaned toward calling CPS. He went outside for a break. He came back, and made it clear he wasn’t mad at me. I then told him the other option I had considered was talking to our priest and getting his advice. He really liked that idea. So, we are going to set up a meeting with our priest to see what he thinks is the best option between the two choices. It probably wont’ be immediate, but soon (probably between Wed and Sat this coming week). The reason for the delay is our entire family has been seriously ill with the flu (can’t-get-off-the-couch/cant-talk-sore throat, fever/vomitting flu). The only reason I’ve had so much to to be on here to talk about this… lol. So we don’t want to drag the kids out and expose other people until we are feeling a bit better- not trying to drag our feet here.

Yes, much of what has been communicated to this couple is not about how to parent, per se, but a parent makes ir/responsible choices that affect their children even if the choices are not toward “parenting”, per se, depending on your definition of parenting. For example, when I see that diapering and cleanliness have specifically been addressed to no avail, or very little, I see these are parenting issues that have been addressed and gone ignored by the couple. When I see the MIL and FIL have had to step in because food becomes a problem and the heat gets shut off, I see this as parenting issues that have been addressed and ignored/not corrected. Etc…

As far as this goes…I think what we need to keep in mind here is the low IQ issue. I don’t think telling people they need to change a diaper is the same as telling them they aren’t doing their jobs as parents. While most people would have the common sense to see they are failing to meet their responsibilities, I honestly don’t think they (or at least Mrs. X) realize what is going on in these situations. No one has spelled it out for them the way you would to a child. I don’t think they understand the REQUIREMENTS of basic care. I think when people make comments about the diapers, they only think we’re making a SUGGESTION or Mr X probably thinks we are nit-picking or being control freaks or trying to force them to parent they way we want them to. They don’t understand it’s something that MUST be done, but rather only if you WANT to parent that way. If I guessed, I think Mrs. X, with her low IQ, probably thinks its a matter of parenting style versus parental requirement. It’s said that most abuse/neglect is not done intentionally but because people don’t understand what they are doing IS abuse. I think this is the case in the situation (at the very least with Mrs. X). If this couple really understood the gravity of what they were doing to their children, I don’t think they would continue to do it. You can tell they are proud of their children and love them in their own way. I think they are just too blind to see. For example, if MIL and FIL step in and give them a warm place to stay or some food, they would probably think it was a nice gesture, but probably would have continued to expose the children to hunger or the cold if they had no help and wouldn’t have thought it was wrong or a big deal. They don’t look at things (like lack of food, being dirty, severe diaper rashes, etc) as a PROBLEM in the first place. They accept it as a normal part of life. I’d even go further and say they probably look at some of these things not only as normal, but as things that cannot be avoided. They probably like everyone experiences things like this. If I thought they completely understood their responsibilities and were intentionally trying to harm their kids and just didn’t give a dang, I wouldn’t hesitate to call CPS and would think trying to talk to them would be foolish. Rather, I think it’s a case of ignorance. Either way it has to be addressed, though. Just because someone doesn’t know any better doesn’t mean they get a free pass, of course.

I’m not sure, in the event of a cps call, it would be anonymous or not. But either way, I wouldn’t hold anything back, and I would not lie about how I came to know these things. Other family members have always been present when these things have gone on, so we may get away with being somewhat “anonymous”.

 

[KellyPalmer]

Talking to your Priest is a really good idea. Thank you for taking action here, whatever you decide to do in the end.

 

[KellyPalmer]

Regarding the poster who noted to tell the family;
Minimum requirements for parenting
Consequences if they don’t meet these minimum requirements (I assume you mean a call to CPS)
can be assured that the kind soul trying to explain this will probably be banned from the house and the relationship severed. That will sound “threatening” to some people.

A family in that disrepair is going NOT to say
“OK Thanks for telling me the requirements of parenting
the definition of child neglect
and the consequences”
Before I took on that task I would call CPS and let them be the “fall guy”
Once again it will be a no brainer who called even with an anonymous report most people
know who in the family seems to be concerned and “stating go change the diaper” etc
will be a huge clue.

Lying to CPS is no answer either. Good grief. You just saw the family in the park or something. One should be honest and tell CPS the entire situation. You are a family member and have witnessed XYZ numerous times. The family has tried to intervene
to no avail. You’ll still be anonymous but to suggest to lie to CPS shows simply how
this goes. Someone is lying why?
To protect themselves from the inevitable breakdown that will occur in ther relationship
with the family once CPS is called.

Prayers for the situation and I do believe the OP is well inentioned and any decision made will not be made lightly with all possibilities discussed with DH ahead of time.
Mary.

FWIW, I’m not suggesting using those exact words. I’m suggesting loving but straight forward correction. I’m not saying threaten, “hey change diapers this many times or I’m calling CPS”. But look at the situation with the oldest child. The MIL was able to get Mrs X to realize some of the consequences of not bathing for the child. For whatever reason, likely low IQ, Mr and Mrs X aren’t coming to these conclusions on their own. Why not at least try to offer some of these conclusions with love and caring concern? I doubt with such a low IQ, these parents would react the way you describe. So far, we haven’t been given a history of such a reaction but I’m sure there’s way more to the situation than can be presented here so who knows.

Any who, just wanted to clear that up. I understand if you disagree with this advice. I do agree the OP is well intentioned and I believe in her ability to decide what is best for this situation.

 

[Dasi4747]

I think Mrs X would listen to me. I DON’T think Mr X would (and again has an anger/authority problem). If he hasn’t liked something his boss has told him, he’ll just walk off of the job and quit, for example. He has always had trouble both in school and keeping a job. Obviously I can’t just talk to Mrs. X alone (Mr X would come to her rescue once he found out from Mrs X- probably accusing us of “attacking” her). And I think Mr X would want to purposefully defy us (because of his authority issues) and tell his wife we were wrong. And being a people pleaser, she wouldn’t do things differently because she would want to be loyal to her husband and would agree with him. So it’s imperative that both Mr and Mrs X understand the situation and are on board together so one isn’t undermining the other. This is why I’m leaning towards CPS because I think a one-on-one conversation would end badly with MR. X, and as long as MR. X isn’t changing, neither will Mrs. X. Coming from a third party, and worried about possibly losing their children, they may have the motivation they need to change.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think Mrs X would listen to me. I DON’T think Mr X would (and again has an anger/authority problem). If he hasn’t liked something his boss has told him, he’ll just walk off of the job and quit, for example. He has always had trouble both in school and keeping a job. Obviously I can’t just talk to Mrs. X alone (Mr X would come to her rescue once he found out from Mrs X- probably accusing us of “attacking” her). And I think Mr X would want to purposefully defy us (because of his authority issues) and tell his wife we were wrong. And being a people pleaser, she wouldn’t do things differently because she would want to be loyal to her husband and would agree with him. So it’s imperative that both Mr and Mrs X understand the situation and are on board together so one isn’t undermining the other. This is why I’m leaning towards CPS because I think a one-on-one conversation would end badly with MR. X, and as long as MR. X isn’t changing, neither will Mrs. X. Coming from a third party, and worried about possibly losing their children, they may have the motivation they need to change.

I think your idea to consult with your pastor about how to proceed is an excellent one. He may need to refer you to someone who is more professionally trained to consider your questions, true, but when you realize that you are grappling with a question that is out of your league and yet too important to stand by and do nothing, seeking out wise and discrete counsel is an excellent way to go.

Realize that there may be no way that you can handle this that will result in the children both staying in the home and being cared for properly. It may only be possible for them to have one or the other, but not both. You also have no direct control over the situation, no matter what you do. Remember the Serenity Prayer as you go through this, and hang in there:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

And also:

Let not kindness and fidelity leave you; bind them around your neck;
Then will you win favor and good esteem before God and man.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, on your own intelligence rely not;
In all your ways be mindful of him, and he will make straight your paths.
Be not wise in your own eyes, fear the LORD and turn away from evil;
This will mean health for your flesh and vigor for your bones.
Prov. 3:3-8

The “esteem” thing will inevitably come and go within your family circle. Do your best to act only to please God and work towards God’s ends, hang in there, and entrust those things not given to your control to Providence.

 

[Bezant]

• 1. Couldn’t have said it better, Easter Joy.

 

[Regina_Love]

As a foster parent of five years I have seen many families split over cps reporting. They will tell you it’s confidential. Honestly though, the family’s attorney can access the report. If you give SS your name, there is a good chance they will find out. It is your choice whether you want to take that risk. You are not required to sign the report. Many people don’t. Why bring grief upon your family. Bottom line It is irrelevant who you are, and how you know this. If you make a report, SS has a legal obligation to check on the family.

Personally I would not want someone with anger issues to target my family. I have seen it happen.