Desolate and alone

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chipeto

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I need your counsel and prayers.

I am a 40 year old man, never married, and I have lived with a certain family for the last 14 years. It is an odd arrangement, but I make good money, H never has, and so this allows me to provide for the children, who are very dear to me, and who would otherwise have struggled. There are three children (one now an adult) from W’s prior marriage and two from this one; I have been a fixture in their lives.

Recently, H and W have separated, and H has moved out, very much against his will. W clearly wants a divorce; she refused entreaties to go to counseling. One of her complaints against H is that he has allowed his family to be dependent on me for 14 years. While she has tried to hide it, I know that since H moved out, W has been seeing a man from her (evangelical non-denom) church, and often talks to him on the phone for hours a day. On more than one occasion, she hasn’t come home until morning. I know about him because I’ve been snooping, which I am ashamed of. I have, however, been able to restrain myself from asking her any questions at all about her activities.

I do have a history with W, she had a crush on me since high school, she was my third (and last) girlfriend in a relationship that was sexual and lasted only three months, and which occurred while she was separated from her first H. She dumped me. I was devastated, she was just fine. She was in precarious finances at the time, and her kids had become very dear to me, so I helped to support her after this. Soon they came to live under my roof. Soon after, she started dating the current H, and manipulated me into allowing him to live with us, because he really needed a place to stay. She knew how much I loved the kids and used that against me. They did not actually marry for a couple of years. She even insisted that, though they were sleeping in the same bed, they weren’t having sex! :rolleyes: And then made me feel guilty for suggesting it. Of course, I wasn’t stupid enough to believe that, but I was always thinking of the kids, and she would threaten to move out. That was a really bad time for me.

The years pass, two new boys are born, we have settled into an equilibrium. H has become a bit of a brother to me. For most of this time I have been relatively content to think of myself as remaining single. The idea of wife and family has an appeal, but it just didn’t seem like that was my lot. The steady hum of life in a house full of kids kept the loneliness at bay. Until last weekend. I was reading Peter Kreeft’s ‘The God Who Loves You’ and was suddenly struck by a revelation of just how selfish and angry I am. I saw how even my acts of generosity often had me at the center, and how my constant irritation and caustic tongue wounded everyone. I spent the weekend weeping and praying.

I saw that I have nothing. I saw a future of loneliness. I feel old, invisible, and unloved. I feel that if W and kids were to leave tomorrow, I would just as soon be dead. Now I get barely any sleep, and my weight has dropped because I don’t want to eat. I am always in a panic to know what W is up to (hence the snooping), even though I really already know. I don’t know if this is jealousy or despair. But I know that I have nothing else.

I have been caught in orbit around the Church for years. This has given me the final push, and I have enrolled in RCIA starting next month. From what I have read in these forums, I should probably expect to be lonely in the Church as well. I try to submit to God’s will. I pray that God will grant me the gift of his love. It is very hard to go on.

I’m sorry this is so long. I’m sure I seem like the world’s biggest chump. If I had any heart left, I would laugh.
 
I think the first step you need to take is to remove yourself from the situation. This is a somewhat unique and difficult one it seems, and what the couple in question need to realize is that they must take ownership over their actions for the sake of their children.
 
chipeto, welcome here to our CAF community.

Thank you for sharing your story.
It is certainly different, and must have taken courage to share.
I hope you won’t blame yourself for the past as you now have a new beginning before you.

You do have reason for some anger and hurt, and if you have been sarcastic as you said, then your anger and resentment showed already. It is understandable, given the way you have lived so far. However, now you have realized certain things, and hard though it is to change, you can begin your own life, not that it seems inviting at this time.

Perhaps your resentment caused harm, and even your supporting of the non-working father was a harm.It was his duty to support his wife and children, not your responsibility. He could never grow while you facilitated his refusal to shoulder his duty, so yes, it was, as you say, selfish. And where he was earning, even if not a great deal like so many families, it was still his duty to provide, not yours. But you know that now and have repented.

However, hindsight is only valuable if we use to to grow from our new discoveries. It does sound like you have some jealousy, as you lived vicariously through this woman and her family, and you also realize now that even with H out of the way she doesn’t choose you, which to you seems unjust and very hurtful…but you have put yourself down by not living your own life. You may not have been honest with yourself, still wanting W at whatever cost to yourself. It’s not your business to spy on W as if she were your wife, but this is indication of what has motivated you, and it is a grace of God that you now know, and can go through the, sadly, painful process of beginning your life afresh with God’s help.

I am sure you have been a blessing, in particular for the children.

You life isn’t over at 40. I know lots of people who only really began the best part of their lives after forty, and only met the person whom they married with happiness after age forth, several in my own family. They have all well and truly made up for the losses in their early lives, but living very full and fruitfully in the last many years. They did of course go through a very lonely period prior to the discovery of each other and their later full lives, as perhaps you will.

The Lord may need you to discover yourself, not only the losses, but also the potentials that you don’t believe in yet. He may need to to find yourself in order to live the life He has for you.

God bless and comfort you.
And may God help you find the self and life He so desires for you.

With love and prayer,

Trishie
 
spunjalebi said:
I think the first step you need to take is to remove yourself from the situation. This is a somewhat unique and difficult one it seems, and what the couple in question need to realize is that they must take ownership over their actions for the sake of their children.
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I agree with the above. Just move out, and the children will be fine. You don’t say how old you are, but it seems to me that that you are ready to start life anew. This woman and her children have been a part of your life, but it appears that you have entered a new chapter in your life, and so it is a great time to move on. I think that you will look back a year from now, and realize how exciting and wonderful life can be with all the new and wonderful friends you have made. Please know that the best is yet to be.
 
RCIA should be very uplifting to you and should help renew you and your spirit. You will meet new friends there and take advantage of this opportunity to get to know these people that you will share with weekly in an intimate setting for the next 7-8 months. This is a great opportunity for a fresh start and to meet new people within the parish that you will develop relationships with over time. You can get involved with your parish right away just by attending Mass every week and daily Mass when possible. Just because you are in RCIA doesn’t mean that you can’t get involved in a men’s group or prayer group as soon as you are comfortable enough to do so. Bless you and I will pray for you as God envelops you in His immeasurable love.
 
Perhaps now is the time to break away. You are still very young with so much more to seek and find .RCIA is a wonderful new beginning, God bless and guide you in your deepest need. Peace, Carlan
 
chipeto said:
I need your counsel and prayers.

I am a 40 year old man, never married, and I have lived with a certain family for the last 14 years. It is an odd arrangement, but I make good money, H never has, and so this allows me to provide for the children, who are very dear to me, and who would otherwise have struggled. There are three children (one now an adult) from W’s prior marriage and two from this one; I have been a fixture in their lives.

Recently, H and W have separated, and H has moved out, very much against his will. W clearly wants a divorce; she refused entreaties to go to counseling. One of her complaints against H is that he has allowed his family to be dependent on me for 14 years. While she has tried to hide it, I know that since H moved out, W has been seeing a man from her (evangelical non-denom) church, and often talks to him on the phone for hours a day. On more than one occasion, she hasn’t come home until morning. I know about him because I’ve been snooping, which I am ashamed of. I have, however, been able to restrain myself from asking her any questions at all about her activities.

I do have a history with W, she had a crush on me since high school, she was my third (and last) girlfriend in a relationship that was sexual and lasted only three months, and which occurred while she was separated from her first H. She dumped me. I was devastated, she was just fine. She was in precarious finances at the time, and her kids had become very dear to me, so I helped to support her after this. Soon they came to live under my roof. Soon after, she started dating the current H, and manipulated me into allowing him to live with us, because he really needed a place to stay. She knew how much I loved the kids and used that against me. They did not actually marry for a couple of years. She even insisted that, though they were sleeping in the same bed, they weren’t having sex! :rolleyes: And then made me feel guilty for suggesting it. Of course, I wasn’t stupid enough to believe that, but I was always thinking of the kids, and she would threaten to move out. That was a really bad time for me.

The years pass, two new boys are born, we have settled into an equilibrium. H has become a bit of a brother to me. For most of this time I have been relatively content to think of myself as remaining single. The idea of wife and family has an appeal, but it just didn’t seem like that was my lot. The steady hum of life in a house full of kids kept the loneliness at bay. Until last weekend. I was reading Peter Kreeft’s ‘The God Who Loves You’ and was suddenly struck by a revelation of just how selfish and angry I am. I saw how even my acts of generosity often had me at the center, and how my constant irritation and caustic tongue wounded everyone. I spent the weekend weeping and praying.

I saw that I have nothing. I saw a future of loneliness. I feel old, invisible, and unloved. I feel that if W and kids were to leave tomorrow, I would just as soon be dead. Now I get barely any sleep, and my weight has dropped because I don’t want to eat. I am always in a panic to know what W is up to (hence the snooping), even though I really already know. I don’t know if this is jealousy or despair. But I know that I have nothing else.

I have been caught in orbit around the Church for years. This has given me the final push, and I have enrolled in RCIA starting next month. From what I have read in these forums, I should probably expect to be lonely in the Church as well. I try to submit to God’s will. I pray that God will grant me the gift of his love. It is very hard to go on.

I’m sorry this is so long. I’m sure I seem like the world’s biggest chump. If I had any heart left, I would laugh.
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Why did you suggest it? Then later.You should stop the snooping and should have never started.They weren’t your children you’re actions say that you think you are.Anyway don;t be so hard on yourself.You aren’t strange or anything.Try to get closer to God.
 
Please look after yourself, and try to eat something each day, and if possible, healthy food as you are grieving and don’t feel like eating.
You are a valuable person, not because of the people you have shared your life with, but because you are precious in your own right, in God’s sight and your fellow human beings.
May God help you to act as you need to in order to reclaim your life and self, and may God help you to deal with any emotional fallout, from this woman and from yourself.
 
you obviously need to remove yourself from the household now, as in, today. And you cannot be a player in the relationship and drama between this couple. This would be true even if you were actually a brother/brother in law, precisely for the reason that your presence in the home has become an issue.

Will you be alone? Yes. And through this immense growth and graces will come. Use the new manner of living to deepen your relationship and dependence on Christ. You will also experience a very healthy kind of selfishness that puts your spiritual needs ahead of all other demands. RCIA will provide you with a new family and support network for a time, but also prepare you in the very best sense for the aloneness we all must come to before God at some point. And this happens precisely because you are being drawn more deeply into a community. Can’t explain well but it is a journey you need to take. Welcome home, brother.
 
Actually, regarding the advice for him to move out. The fact is that it is his house, not theirs. The woman and her husband have no rightful claim on the house. If he left them with it he would be facilitating the woman’s selfishness. She doesn’t take responsibility either, but stays out all night with her boyfriend leaving him to mind children who are not his but the woman and her husband’s.

It is obviously a complicated situation.

I would imagine that standing on his rights and asking the woman and her children to move out would provoke a major confrontation. He possibly can’t face that but surely he now must because he couldn’t handle much more of this. He isn’t sleeping or eating.

His situation is unenviable. If he moves out he loses his own home unless the woman willingly moves out, but though she blames her husband for sponging on him, she also has done so. He deserves to find a woman who loves him, not people who take advantage of his weaknesses with his complicity.

Our prayers are needed, and he probably needs to get sound professional advice
 
chipeto said:
I need your counsel and prayers.

I am a 40 year old man, never married, and I have lived with a certain family for the last 14 years. It is an odd arrangement, but I make good money, H never has, and so this allows me to provide for the children, who are very dear to me, and who would otherwise have struggled. There are three children (one now an adult) from W’s prior marriage and two from this one; I have been a fixture in their lives.

Recently, H and W have separated, and H has moved out, very much against his will. W clearly wants a divorce; she refused entreaties to go to counseling. One of her complaints against H is that he has allowed his family to be dependent on me for 14 years. While she has tried to hide it, I know that since H moved out, W has been seeing a man from her (evangelical non-denom) church, and often talks to him on the phone for hours a day. On more than one occasion, she hasn’t come home until morning. I know about him because I’ve been snooping, which I am ashamed of. I have, however, been able to restrain myself from asking her any questions at all about her activities.

I do have a history with W, she had a crush on me since high school, she was my third (and last) girlfriend in a relationship that was sexual and lasted only three months, and which occurred while she was separated from her first H. She dumped me. I was devastated, she was just fine. She was in precarious finances at the time, and her kids had become very dear to me, so I helped to support her after this. Soon they came to live under my roof. Soon after, she started dating the current H, and manipulated me into allowing him to live with us, because he really needed a place to stay. She knew how much I loved the kids and used that against me. They did not actually marry for a couple of years. She even insisted that, though they were sleeping in the same bed, they weren’t having sex! :rolleyes: And then made me feel guilty for suggesting it. Of course, I wasn’t stupid enough to believe that, but I was always thinking of the kids, and she would threaten to move out. That was a really bad time for me.

The years pass, two new boys are born, we have settled into an equilibrium. H has become a bit of a brother to me. For most of this time I have been relatively content to think of myself as remaining single. The idea of wife and family has an appeal, but it just didn’t seem like that was my lot. The steady hum of life in a house full of kids kept the loneliness at bay. Until last weekend. I was reading Peter Kreeft’s ‘The God Who Loves You’ and was suddenly struck by a revelation of just how selfish and angry I am. I saw how even my acts of generosity often had me at the center, and how my constant irritation and caustic tongue wounded everyone. I spent the weekend weeping and praying.

I saw that I have nothing. I saw a future of loneliness. I feel old, invisible, and unloved. I feel that if W and kids were to leave tomorrow, I would just as soon be dead. Now I get barely any sleep, and my weight has dropped because I don’t want to eat. I am always in a panic to know what W is up to (hence the snooping), even though I really already know. I don’t know if this is jealousy or despair. But I know that I have nothing else.

I have been caught in orbit around the Church for years. This has given me the final push, and I have enrolled in RCIA starting next month. From what I have read in these forums, I should probably expect to be lonely in the Church as well. I try to submit to God’s will. I pray that God will grant me the gift of his love. It is very hard to go on.

I’m sorry this is so long. I’m sure I seem like the world’s biggest chump. If I had any heart left, I would laugh.
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Oh chipeto,

My heart goes out to you. Please don’t beat yourself up – you are a generous person, and I see this woman as being totally selfish and uncaring of your feelings. It seems to me that the only time she considered your feelings was to manipulate you into getting what she wanted: financial help for her family because of your love for the children, and free room and board.

You need to let her know that she has “X” amount of time to find her own place to live in and to ensure she moves out, I would suggest you help her find her own place. She cannot continue to be allowed to do this to you. I know it would be very hard on the children (how old are they) and on yourself as well. It would be almost like having a divorce even though you weren’t married to her, and are not the father of the children. Nonetheless, you have made yourself a “husband” and “father” by living vicariously through H and W and their children.

God will be there to help you through the pain and to comfort and console you, just as God helped His own dear Son, Jesus, through the torment and pain He suffered in the Garden of Gesthsemane and upon the Cross. Recall, God didn’t take away the pain, but God sent His angels to comfort Jesus during His time of trials.

Once you are healed from this experience, you’ll be open to finding the true love of a wonderful lady, should you want that, and you are not too old to start your own family.

Hugs, and peace of Christ :grouphug:

CEM
 
Heavenly Father help us to recover where injury goes beyond ordinary forgiveness and our hearts are in some way crushed, and our lives changed and devalued. Help us to find a way to forgive when we cannot smile or encounter the offending person with warmth because they have destroyed something in us.

Father please help us to forgive when we cannot forgive…and we cannot forgive because they do not understand how badly they have hurt us, and do not seek in any real way to acknowledge or try to heal the hurt they imposed on us. And even when we tried to tell them from the bottom of our heart but they would not listen, please help us to forgive.

Father help us to forgive when those who hurt our lives do not even remember how badly they have wounded us, and go on with their lives without concern, while we remain still held in some kind of time capsule with the consequences of their unfeeling and uncaring and attack.

Father, help us to forgive when those who wounded us by ignoring our needs and requests, yet who desire us to ignore their offence, and expect us to respond to their hints or manipulations while they make no concessions or apologies.

Help us to forgive those who impose their own conditions and rules upon us, without respecting that our hurt is real and radical, while they make us feel that they only desire our capitulation without justice, apology, or generosity from them.

Please help us to forgive those who have hurt us physically, or emotionally, or mentally, and above all, spiritually, by action or by neglect.

Father please free us, free me, in forgiveness that comes from Your Son, innocent, and murdered, but forgiving.
 
My heart and prayers go out to you but H will never start taking care of his kids and W until you and other men stop.

That being said even if she were to divorce H and fall head over heals madly in love with you - you are not free to date her unless she seeks a decree of nullity through the Church for both of the marriages mentioned which could take years. She is still presumed to be validly married to her first husband unless it is challenged and found null.

All that being said this woman does not seem to have a strong grasp on the concept of fidelity. Please you will meet people with morals more like your own through RCIA and further continued life in the Church. Get yourself out of this drama.
 
I am going to go in a different direction from the other posters. I think that you sound as though you are in much too fragile a state of mind to do something so drastic as to ask the W and her children to move out. The world that you created for yourself is breaking up, and in a way, W is also divorcing you by getting H to move out and finding another man. You have been a surrogate husband and father this whole time, it is as if she were married to the half of a husband who shared her bed, and you, the half who provided and was a father.

A very difficult situation to sort out. PLEASE PLEASE do not blame yourself now for what has happened. You did the best you could at the time, and maybe you made some choices that were too sacrificial, but do not beat yourself up for those choices at this point.

I recommend that you make an appointment to speak with a parish priest that you believe can help you. Some priests are not very good counselors, some are wonderful at it. If the priest seems warm and father-like, he might be good at it. Then, you also need to call Catholic Charities and ask them for a counselor that you can see - they have a sliding scale if money is a concern.

The term for what we (you and I) do is co-dependency. We sacrifice our own lives for others’ comfort and we end up, unfortunately, enabling them to stay addicted, in unhealthy lifestyles, etc. and we hurt ourselves in the process. Yours is a pretty extreme case, which is why I suggest that you do nothing like the extreme suggestion of kicking W out of your house. You need some help first, maybe anti-depressants. You are going through the divorce just like H and W are, don’t kid yourself just because you don’t have a ring on your finger. If you suddenly remove the person you have been co-dependent with, it is very likely that you will find another person to fill that void, since it is the only way you know to get the love you need.

I am so glad that you have signed up for RCIA! This will help you to focus on God as you walk through the next period of your life. Stay close to the kids, and help them through this mess. They have to know that the family they have known is breaking apart, and they will be upset, angry, hurt, just like you are. If you get counseling, you can help them and very possibly they will decide that you are really more of a parent than either of their bio-parents. I can’t guarantee that - they could just get angry at all 3 of you and have nothing to do with you ever again, but it’s worth a try. But you will need counseling right now, or you could get co-dependent with them as deeply as you have with W.

The time to have drawn that line in the sand was long before this (when she first found the boyfriend, she was using you), but it can still be fixed. Just take care of yourself and get some help to understand where to go from here.

I will be praying for you. It takes a lot of courage just to be honest with yourself and post this on the internet. It’s not easy when we really face what we’ve done and recognize the truth. But God is always with us as we turn to him and not stay in our own mess.
 
Thank you all so much for your kindness. Making this confession was very difficult and embarrassing for me.

Asking W and the kids (ages 19, 17, 15, 7, 4) to move out is not something I have the heart to do, now. I don’t want to think what effect it would have on the kids, especially the two youngest, who have drawn even closer to me now that their father does not live at home. W has very little money of her own. It would be devastating all around.

I know my summary has made W look very bad; I should be fair. She is a caring mother. She hasn’t actually gone out leaving me to mind the children; the teenagers don’t need minding anymore and she has gone out when the little ones are either at their father’s for the weekend or in bed. I know that she is lonely and wants affection. I know that she cares about doing the right thing, but she has a way of twisting reality to justify herself. She has fallen out of love with H, so she magnifies in her mind his every fault (though she shares some of them) until he seems like the devil himself. She has suffered much. She was sexually and physically abused as a child. She conceived her first child at the age of 15 by a guy who did not stick around. Her first husband neglected and eventually abandoned her.

There is now no doubt in my mind that if I had married before now I would have been a bad husband. I would have been insensitive, and I have seen how insensitivity kills love.

I will look into counseling. It is difficult for me to confide in others, even in the relative anonymity of forums, but what you say makes every kind of sense.

I am looking forward to RCIA, with some trepidation. Unfortunately, it doesn’t start until the end of September. The church near my house is very large. I have only been there once, for a Good Friday service, but I drive by it often and the parking lot always seems to be full during Mass. It surprises me, then, to survey the bulletin and web site and find such a dearth of groups and activities. I come from an Evangelical Protestant background, where fellowship is everything, so this is an adjustment.

I am praying that God give me the grace to love Him completely, and to love His children with all my soul. I know that if I love God I will have everything; if I don’t I will have only illusions which end in despair, but it is hard to let go and surrender to God’s will when one doesn’t really know how and is afraid of the dark.
 
you can’t stay in a living situation alone with a married woman and her children. She and her husband will have to come up with some arrangment. If he can afford to move out himself he can afford housing for his family. You simply must get counsel definitely from a priest, and probably with a lawyer, this week. You are headed for disaster with this situation and that won’t help the children or anyone else.
 
You are being co-dependent by posting all W’s redeeming qualities, you realize that? No one was condemning her - we were concerned that you are nowhere in the priorities and you need to wean yourself away from taking care of this woman who does not appreciate you. But it will not be as simple as kicking her out of your house since you are important to her children, more so than to her, it seems.

What do the children consider you to be? Do they call you “uncle” or what? How do you explain the living arrangements to them? Have any of the older ones ever asked just what is going on? Do they ever have friends over and what do they tell their friends?

I would get counseling, and then think seriously about talking to the older ones and explaining a little of the situation. They probably have had a lot of questions in their own minds, and would welcome actually knowing what is going on.

As for the size of the church v. ministries…it’s not a one to one ratio. A lot depends on the focus from the Pastor. I go to 2 different churches, both used to be about the same size but the pastor changed about 10 years ago and his focus is not on ministries so they slowly faded away…The other church is now larger because of the ministry people switching over, and that is where all the ministries have gone. Try another church and keep in mind, it’s not the size that will be the indicator.
 
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