Desolate and alone

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puzzleannie said:
If he can afford to move out himself he can afford housing for his family.
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He cannot. I know their finances well. She has filed for child support, and he has told me that he will pay that, and ad-hoc expenses for the children, and nothing else.
puzzleannie said:
You simply must get counsel definitely from a priest, and probably with a lawyer, this week.
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I will seek counseling, but I’m not sure that I would need a lawyer.
puzzleannie said:
You are headed for disaster with this situation and that won’t help the children or anyone else.
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I know that this situation must change, it’s just hard to envision a change that I would have the strength to make. I am committed to counseling as the next step. Bless you.
TheRealJuliane said:
You are being co-dependent by posting all W’s redeeming qualities, you realize that?
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I didn’t realize that. I suppose I thought I was defending her from my own accusations, but I hear the truth in what you say.
TheRealJuliane said:
What do the children consider you to be? Do they call you “uncle” or what? How do you explain the living arrangements to them? Have any of the older ones ever asked just what is going on? Do they ever have friends over and what do they tell their friends?
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All of the children call me by my first name, although to the younger ones I am referred to as Uncle, as in ‘Say goodnight to Uncle …’. I’ve not myself ever discussed the living arrangements with the children; it hasn’t come up. The oldest was six when we all started living together, so I’ve more or less always been there. The kids do frequently have friends over. I don’t know what they tell their friends, but when they do introduce me, it is as ‘my Uncle …’.
TheRealJuliane said:
I would get counseling, and then think seriously about talking to the older ones and explaining a little of the situation. They probably have had a lot of questions in their own minds, and would welcome actually knowing what is going on.
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I will seek counseling.
 
And I will pray for you. I really can’t add anything more to what has already been said.

I really, really hope you will find the courage to start caring for yourself someday soon. :console:
 
Why don’t YOU leave the situation?

No one here (at least, from what I understood) is saying you should be kicking out anyone. When I initially replied, I said that you-- and only you-- should remove yourself from the situation. That means leaving, and the couple in question need to start owning up to their responsibilities.

If you are the one to remove yourself from the situation, the parents are left.
 
Well, it isn’t exactly their house. We rent, and my name is on the lease.
 
So it isn’t your house either. In that case, at the latest, when the lease is up…
It’s up to you whether you prepare W with any decision to find yourself another rental, so she has time to consider her options. If you owned the house it would be a different matter. This leaves other considerations as deciding factors, but it would seem right, though not an option for peace in your relationship with her, to speak honestly about her with issues. In know it’s complicated. And if she is furious with you, you may completely lose the children as well as her, not that you actually have her, but the children are innocents in all this, which makes things complex for you.

As she has already shown herself to be manipulative…for a start, in moving in her boyfriend, then what followed, and as she is accustomed to having you allow her to manipulate your life, you both could go on indefinitely with no resolution. Would this be totally selling yourself out? Are you prepared to settle for that, or to decide for that…but if you do, there is no excuse for you to feel resentful as you will have chosen to ignore any clarity you at present have.

It is for you to decide whether or not you want to remain as father and husband yet not husband and father, and disregarded, while her attention is turned to another…about whom she chooses to lie, in order to keep things as they are. Even if she turned to you and chose to marry you, how well would you be treated and how genuinely loved?

I am aware it’s a terrible dilemma for you, and it is good that you intend to seek professional advice.

May God help you…and help the family also.
 
I’m sorry to hear about your difficult situation. It’s sad to see a generous person being abused like that by a manipulative ex-girlfriend. Forget her, you can’t have her and I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t want to, anyway, and you don’t owe it to her.

Also, being 40, you’re not old. In fact, I’m pretty sure Catholic dating websites will never run out of well-adjusted professional thirty-somethings with very pleasant personalities (and not rarely more visually appealing than most twenty-somethings for that matter). Many of them would wish to be able to meet someone like you. This if you’re having doubts about your earlier decision that marriage wasn’t for you.
 
Being alone isn’t the worse thing out there. Letting people leach on you then resenting you for letting them is worse. I’d move out ASAP and move on. Keep in touch with the kids if you like but give the family some space for a while to work out their problems. Sometimes it’s too easy to let ourselves be used. Look for someone to start a life with who shares your values.

Being alone is part of life by the way. Even if you had a family or wife we all feel alone at times. I’ve found volunteering helps me and takes the focus off of being alone but having the time to help others which in turn keeps me from feeling alone. Find groups who do activies you enjoy. Check out meetup.com…it’s a website full of clubs from everything to biking to dog lovers to movie goers. Good luck.
 
chipeto said:
… I am looking forward to RCIA, with some trepidation … I come from an Evangelical Protestant background, where fellowship is everything, so this is an adjustment.

I am praying that God give me the grace to love Him completely, and to love His children with all my soul. I know that if I love God I will have everything; if I don’t I will have only illusions which end in despair, but it is hard to let go and surrender to God’s will when one doesn’t really know how and is afraid of the dark.
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+In all charity and peace . . .

Hi Chipeto . . . seeking out a restored and closer relationship with God through . . . Jesus Christ . . . as your . . . Saviour and Lord . . . by joining the RCIA Process in our Holy Mother Catholic Church . . . is a great choice . . . **and a wonderfully good one **. . . and this consideration reveals you are heading in the right direction for finding God’s true pathway and purpose and wholeness for your personal life . . . below is some initial information about the Catholic RCIA Process that might be helpful as you prepare to enroll . . . (if you were baptized in the past . . . if the church in which you were baptized keeps records . . . it would be a good idea . . . right now . . . if you don’t have your Baptismal Certificate . . . to request a letter from the church where you were baptized . . . if the church keeps official records of such events . . . some churches do keep accurate records . . . and some don’t . . . )

+****. . . :coffeeread: . . . ****
Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults
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The Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults (often abbreviated RCIA) is the process through which interested adults and older children are gradually introduced to the Roman Catholic faith and way of life. …
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Introduction
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The RCIA is a Communal Process and involves a number of stages punctuated by liturgical rites to aid and assist the potential convert toward the final rite, usually at the Easter Vigil at which time they will become full members of the Catholic Church. The entire process takes several months …
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… In September 1988, the RCIA became mandatory in the USA.
  • A catechumen is a person who has never received baptism.
  • A candidate is a person who was already baptized.
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The Catholic Church acknowledges other Christian baptisms as long as the Trinitarian formula "in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit" is used …
:compcoff: Link: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rite_of_Christian_Initiation_of_Adults
+
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With the foundational background within the Christian faith which you shared in the quote above . . . you must know that the life with the . . . *borrowed family *. . . of your ex-girlfriend . . . with whom you have been living for fourteen plus or so years . . . as a roommate in your own rental home . . . while evidently supporting her and her second husband and all her five children from two different delinquent husbands . . . is a . . . very . . . unusual and unnatural lifestyle . . . essentially the relationships between you and this woman and her 1st and 2nd husbands . . . and their children . . . are distinctly disordered . . . and to continue to so daily live increases the reality that this woman . . . and her husbands . . . and her unfortunate five children . . . may never learn to take responsibility for and in their own lives in the future . . . the whole situation is most unhealthy for all concerned . . . the children especially . . . and . . . utterly counterproductive . . . to promoting maturing, spiritually wholesome, emotionally healthy and materially responsible lives for all . . . rather it promotes weakness and co-dependence on others’ weaknesses for all persons involved . . .

It’s time to grow up Chipeto . . . and launch out on your own into true healthy mature manhood . . . *God will bless you every step of the way . . . *

:bible1:
But seek ye first the kingdom of
God,
and his righteousness,
and all these things shall be added unto you.
Matthew 6:33

"Feelings" are rather like the caboose on a train . . . in the Christian life “FAITH” is the engine of the train . . . powered by a mixture of pray:gopray2:er, the Holy Eucharist, learning of Sacred :bible1: Scripture, and catechisis in the holy truths of the Church . . . and following the engine of "FAITH" . . . “feelings” fall into line and flower and bear wonderful abundant fruit . . . all in due season . . .

*In dedication to the Triumph of the Immaculate Heart . . .
*
. . . all for Jesus+
. . . thank you Holy Mother Church+​
 
I have made an appointment with Catholic Charities and will be seeing a counselor next Monday. I feel relieved to have taken that tiny step, but I’m also nervous.

I’m a little better. I’ve gotten some of my appetite back, and last night I slept all night, for the first time in weeks. My biggest fear is that I will fall into the trap that Trishie so eloquently described, become complacent again, and allow this tragic farce to continue.

So, I am committing myself to:
  • prayer
  • counseling
  • prayer
  • prayer
  • (trying to) attend daily mass
 
chipeto said:
I have made an appointment with Catholic Charities and will be seeing a counselor next Monday. I feel relieved to have taken that tiny step, but I’m also nervous.

I’m a little better. I’ve gotten some of my appetite back, and last night I slept all night, for the first time in weeks. My biggest fear is that I will fall into the trap that Trishie so eloquently described, become complacent again, and allow this tragic farce to continue.

So, I am committing myself to:
  • prayer
  • counseling
  • prayer
  • prayer
  • (trying to) attend daily mass
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I hope that on your list is ending this unhealthy lifestyle. When your lease is up I would move on.
 
I’ve been thinking of you, realizing how difficult all this is for you. I was glad to read that your appetite is returning, and that you are taking positive steps, but I do understand it’s a strange and difficult time for you. Thank you for keeping us in the loop.
Continuing prayers,
warmly,
Trishie
 
Yes, it would be great if you could keep us posted on how you’re coming along. I’ll be praying for you.

Hang in there. :hug3:
 
Heavenly Father, please help our dear Chipeto in his walk with You Lord. Help him especially in this situatuion. Amen.
 
Remembering you in prayer today, for your welfare and God’s loving will

and for the family that they will establish themselves in a wholesome manner
 
Thank you, Trishie. I still have a lot of depression and anxiety, but I’m praying and trusting in God to grant me his peace in his own time.

I’ve been toying with the idea of asking W: “What would you think if I told you that I’ve been seeing a wonderful woman and we’re engaged to be married? What would you do?” as a way of opening a conversation. But then perhaps I should wait until counseling. I don’t trust my own judgment.
 
chipeto said:
My last post probably seems bizarre. Never mind.
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No, not bizarre. You are thinking of different ways of getting out of the situation. The routes you are taking in working things out are excellent. I trust that you are ready for the joyful and peaceful life you deserve. God bless!

Heavenly Father, please help our dear Chipeto in his walk with You Lord. Help him especially in this situatuion. Amen.
 
I am making a one-week status report. There have been significant changes in me. The anger and irritation that I have carried everywhere with me for so long has simply evaporated. I haven’t uttered one word of criticism in this house for two weeks. I sometimes feel very lighthearted and affectionate, as if color has suddenly come back into the world, and my relationships with the teenagers have improved markedly, almost overnight. I pray frequently and thank God for this mercy He has given me. W and I are amiable, and chat frequently, though never about anything serious.

Other times I still feel very sad and anxious. Like tonight, when W is out with friends, only I and one of the teenagers are home, and the only sound is the clicking of my keyboard. I used to hate all of the racket in this house (they are a rowdy bunch). Now I thirst for it. Now I crave it because it means that they are here with me. W has gone to see a band play and will likely be very late. I doubt if I will be able to fall asleep until I hear her come in. (EDIT: As I typed this, she unexpectedly came home early due to fatigue. I am disturbed to say that I immediately felt ecstatic. So did the dog.)

Now, some of you are probably thinking: “Ummm, Chipeto? Perhaps you should be more concerned with extricating yourself from this thoroughly confused relationship, and putting an end to this dependency.” I hear you. Still working on that.
 
How about a little comedy? Just to make clear the extent of the financial side of this dependency, here is how it composed:

I pay:
  • the rent on this six-bedroom house
  • internet
  • electric bill
  • gas bill
  • telephone
  • water bill
  • sanitation bill
  • satellite television (which I don’t watch)
  • netflix
  • pest control
  • insurance on all of the vehicles
  • bottled water delivery
H pays:
  • cell phone bill
There’s more. I have given W a credit card, originally for emergencies, e.g. when I am out of town. Now that H has moved out he is giving her a monthly fixed amount, and she covers the shortfall (for food, gas, clothes, etc.) by charging on this card, which I pay off. Last month this was $1300.

Now, I don’t care about the money one bit, I just wanted to paint a clearer picture for anyone who thought that disengaging would be a simple matter.
 
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