Desolate and alone

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It’s been one week in my new place, and I still haven’t gotten used to the silence. Nor have I completely unpacked; it’s just hard to get motivated, and I’ve spent a fair amount of time just driving aimlessly or walking through stores. My new place is only five miles from where C lives, and less than one mile from her sister, though neither of them know that. I had spent a lot of time in this part of town when I was with C and I’ve come to like it, which is why I’ve moved here; it’s the only area that appeals to me.

Speaking of her sister, she sent me an email about a week ago: she wants me to know that they haven’t forgotten me, she hopes that I’m keeping the faith because I will find what my heart desires in someone, they all miss me and think of me fondly. She wishes me good luck with my move if I am still doing that, and says that it would be nice to hear how I am doing.

I replied and thanked her for the encouragement, but that I had already found what my heart desired, had found more than I had ever dreamed, and I am aching because I’ve lost that now. I tell her that I am trying to make friends, build a life for myself, and trust God to help me.

She responded with more encouragement, she is praying for healing for both me and for C, and asks me to keep in touch. Several times, she has made it clear that she wants me to keep in touch, and that is baffling. I don’t know why she would want to hear from me.

My recent roommate W is in a bad spot: her boyfriend, who had signed a new lease with her at the house I just left, changed his mind at the last minute and has refused to move in. She can’t pay the bills by herself and doesn’t know what she will do. I know that I can’t make the same mistake I’ve made in the past and rescue her, but it hurts me to see them in distress.

When C and I were enrolled in marriage prep at her church, we were assigned a mentor couple, whom we never met because they went abroad for several months. Apparently, they never got the message about C and me no longer being together, because they sent both of us an email the other day, saying that they were back and inviting us to come to their house! I responded with the sad news, and C, whom I haven’t heard from in a month, replied to me; she hopes I am doing well and that I like my new place. I told her that I am doing all right, that I hope she is healthy and has found a good job. It’s strange to have these dialogues, in which neither side really wants to convey any information, so instead we just ‘hope’ vague things for each other.

Speaking of C’s church…I have a bit of a dilemma. I have gone there many times, with her and her daughter, and I really like it, and it is actually my closest parish now. It’s a really big parish, it’s very active, and it has many ministries and groups, so for that reason my counselor encouraged me to go there, since I really need to make friends and find a community. I could go to the 8:30 service; C (and her sister’s family) go to to the 10:30, or occasionally to the evening service, so it’s not likely that I would run into them, at least for a while. At any rate, I’m certainly not hiding from anyone, but I don’t want to put myself in her path, either. I’m not sure what I will do. I have been going to another parish a few miles further away, but it is not as active and doesn’t have the same appeal for me.

Life’s still really tough. I’m trying, though, to do what I can and trust God for the rest. Trusting God when I feel this hopeless is really hard. Sometimes I look around at my new place, and think of all the money I’ve spent furnishing it in an effort to make it look nice, and it seems like such a waste. I don’t get any joy from this ‘stuff’. I feel like I should have gone off to some mission field or relief effort where I could be of some use to someone.
 
I’m sorry about your sadness. To give you my background, I was a codependent love addict many years ago. After yet another failed relationship with a love avoidant, I went to various12-step meetings for codependency, love addiction and adult child issues. (My father was an alcoholic but ACA meetings are for people from all types of dysfunctional families, not just alcoholic ones.) I also read a ton of books on these subjects and went to therapy.

Recovery is about recognizing our own patterns and figuring out the core issues that make us get into certain types of relationships. FYI, most 12-step groups say we should wait at least a year before entering into a new relationship. First we have to figure out ourselves.

After we feel abandoned, codependents and love addicts such as myself fall fast and hard for someone new. And that new person can often be codependent and/or avoidant love addicts or commitmentphobes. They seem to offer quick, intense emotional intimacy, then run into their own isolation when things get too real. But I finally realized, I couldn’t figure out all the love avoidants and commitmentphobes that had been in my life. I had to figure out why I was always attracted to them and what patterns I was repeating from childhood. Then, and only then, could I feel freedom and become drawn to naturally healthy, stable people. Before then, I often got into the classic “adult child” trap of confusing pity and love, and only falling for people I could rescue, or who I felt could rescue me.

At 40 years old, I married a great guy. But the only reason I finally got into a healthy relationship is because I went to therapy and to 12-step meetings for codependency and love addiction. Enmeshment, boundaries and triangulation were also things I had to research. If you have any hunch that you might struggle with these things, you can read about them, but nothing compares to a 12-step group. You might start with coda.org to find meetings or adultchildren.org.

Books by Melody Beattie and Cloud/Townsend are also good too. (Sounds like you’ve already been reading some Henry Cloud stuff.) Oh yeah, check out Stephen Arteburn too. Cloud, Townsend and Arteburn are Protestant, but I don’t recall seeing anything anti-Catholic in their books. (I’ve since given them away to other people, so I can’t skim through them now to double-check.)

Counseling is good too, and I know you’re already doing that. But I’m not sure I understand how your counselor thinks it’s helpful to say she thought you and C would get together too? At this point, if I were her, I would focus on moving forward and healing.

Anyway, off the top of my head, here are some books that helped me: Addicted to Love: Understanding Dependencies of the Heart by Stephen Arterburn. Anything by Melody Beattie, especially her classic Codependent No More and her * Codependents Guide to the 12 Steps*. Personally, I am not a big fan of the big blue book they are now using at some CODA groups. It has a sharing in it that, IMO, misrepresents the Church by someone who was angry at it for personal reasons. But “take what you like and leave the rest,” as they say.

This next book helped me define my problem, though it wasn’t as good as the previous books were about giving solutions He’s Scared, She’s Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by Carter and Sokol.

The big red book for Adult Children of Alcoholics (again, not just for people with alcoholic parents) is great too. You can order the book without going to meetings. Available on adultchildren.org.

There could be great Catholic books too on the topic, but I wouldn’t know, because when I was struggling with these issues, I was away from the Church. (I am now back, praise God.)

Sorry if I am overwhelming you with book titles and therapy lingo. But your first living situations was, as you said, unusual and painful. It’s is GREAT that you extricated yourself from that. Just to do that, after so many years, is a miracle. So many people stay in the same patterns forever. But then you got into another relationship quite quickly. Maybe now is the time to add some support groups to the counseling you’re already doing, since you’re in a new place and starting a new life.

I pray you will find the answers and love that you seek.
 
Chipeto, you sound like a really good guy. I hope you soon get what you deserve in this world.
 
Chipeto, one more thing. I know you were very attached to C’s daughter and she sounded like a great kid. I can see how you got attached, especially since C played out cozy family times of watching movies and snuggling on the couch with the two of you, as if you were already married and a new family. But the divorced people I’ve known have always been much more careful with emotional and physical boundaries concerning their kids, for the good of everyone involved. I’m not saying you’re some stranger, but C’s “playing house” with you and her daughter must have been very confusing for that girl. C’s behavior just seems odd to me. In fact, she might be codependent herself.

However, please take a look at this paragraph you wrote:
About C’s daughter…I wish I could put into words how I feel about that girl. I would probably laugh and cry at the same time. I’d have moved heaven and earth, to care for her. But even the sum of everything I have and am, all of my strength, my endurance, my knowledge, my ingenuity, my assets, my commitment, everything I have done, everything I will do; all of this, everything I have to offer, is not enough to win that prize. So I mourn. And hope.
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To get so attached to someone’s child, to talk about moving heaven and earth, and refer to them as a prize, even metaphorically speaking…it gets into that “wanting to rescue” and “hero” mode that I talked about earlier.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t have cared, but it’s all very intense, and to me, it seems similar to the previous pattern of caring for another adult’s child so much. And yes, the other parents involved had incredibly fuzzy boundaries, mixing everyone’s lives together and creating a false sense of intimacy. How sad for the children. But still, it seems there are recurring patterns on your part as well. With a good support group, and really trying to get to the bottom of your own issues, you could have a bright future of having your own family one day.

I could be offending you and banned for this. Maybe I’ve gone too far with my feedback. But when I read over your posts, I do see some codependency, enmeshment and fuzzy boundaries. And it seems like you’re truly looking for answers and want to change.

And honestly, why oh why does C’s family keep contacting you? Honestly, I think I’d have to change my email. I learned that, for me, little contacts like that from mutual parties were “hooks” that kept me mentally addicted.
 
Thanks to both of you.

We talked about codependency a great deal, since we both had a history of that, and C was very, very concerned about it. I read the Boundaries books, which got me hooked on Cloud and Townsend. While I did learn things from those books, I don’t think that codependency was any longer a serious danger for us, and neither did our counselor.

My own problem was not so much bad relationships as a complete lack of them. I essentially disconnected from the human race for 14 years. If I were a healthy person with friends and a social life, then I think there is a very good chance that C and I would still be together today.

The other problem is that C and I took off too fast, too soon. We clicked immediately. In no time at all we were talking about marriage. In less than two months, we were enrolled in marriage prep. Then we came out of the ‘honeymoon’ phase, she developed concerns, and it was too hard to slow things down. If I had to do it again, I would not let things proceed so quickly, because that was very damaging.
Planet_Claire said:
Counseling is good too, and I know you’re already doing that. But I’m not sure I understand how your counselor thinks it’s helpful to say she thought you and C would get together too? At this point, if I were her, I would focus on moving forward and healing.
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I think she was just trying to make the point that she didn’t think I’d done anything wrong.
Sorry if I am overwhelming you with book titles and therapy lingo. But your first living situations was, as you said, unusual and painful. It’s is GREAT that you extricated yourself from that. Just to do that, after so many years, is a miracle. So many people stay in the same patterns forever. But then you got into another relationship quite quickly. Maybe now is the time to add some support groups to the counseling you’re already doing, since you’re in a new place and starting a new life.
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It helps to remind myself, when I am especially low, of all the work that God has already done in my life in the last year. I have thought about finding a support group; I will look into it further.
Planet_Claire said:
Chipeto, one more thing. I know you were very attached to C’s daughter and she sounded like a great kid. I can see how you got attached, especially since C played out cozy family times of watching movies and snuggling on the couch with the two of you, as if you were already married and a new family. But the divorced people I’ve known have always been much more careful with emotional and physical boundaries concerning their kids, for the good of everyone involved. I’m not saying you’re some stranger, but C’s “playing house” with you and her daughter must have been very confusing for that girl. C’s behavior just seems odd to me. In fact, she might be codependent herself.
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Well, like I said, we moved way too quickly. We were convinced (and I still am) that we were meant for each other. In the years since her divorce, C dated a fair amount, but I am only the second of those men that she ever introduced her daughter to, and the first to be brought into her extended family circle. Also, her daughter took to me in an enormous way, which was not really typical for her. She even complained, to my amusement, that she did not get sufficient ‘alone time’ with me.
To get so attached to someone’s child, to talk about moving heaven and earth, and refer to them as a prize, even metaphorically speaking…it gets into that “wanting to rescue” and “hero” mode that I talked about earlier.
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I’m not saying you shouldn’t have cared, but it’s all very intense, and to me, it seems similar to the previous pattern of caring for another adult’s child so much.
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I do tend to wax poetic. Still, I did spend a lot of time with her over five months, and it’s pretty darn easy to love that dancing, laughing, affectionate, petulant, flatulent little girl, even if she does have the world’s foulest-smelling socks. And she loved me so readily, when I couldn’t understand why anyone would love me. I still don’t.
With a good support group, and really trying to get to the bottom of your own issues, you could have a bright future of having your own family one day.
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I’m not sure there are too many more ‘one days’ of family-having left for this 41-year old, but thanks for the encouragement!
I could be offending you and banned for this. Maybe I’ve gone too far with my feedback. But when I read over your posts, I do see some codependency, enmeshment and fuzzy boundaries. And it seems like you’re truly looking for answers and want to change.
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On the contrary, I’m grateful to you.
And honestly, why oh why does C’s family keep contacting you? Honestly, I think I’d have to change my email. I learned that, for me, little contacts like that from mutual parties were “hooks” that kept me mentally addicted.
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If may seem like more contact than it is; it’s been only one conversation with her brother and two with her sister. I did spend a lot of time with them over those five months, and they really welcomed me into their family, so there was sadness all around.
 
I did go to C’s church Saturday for confession, then to Mass afterward. I was finishing some shopping on Sunday, and thought that I would be just in time to catch the Sunday evening Mass, which I did go to, even though I know that C occasionally attends that service. Sure enough, I saw C and her daughter come in, twenty minutes late at that. I got that impression that her daughter actively scanned the crowd and saw me, but I could be wrong, because I looked away. They sat down on the other side of the room with the altar between us, so I couldn’t see them. After Mass, I left quickly. I noticed her car in the parking lot; they would have had to walk past my truck when they came in. If they had noticed it at all, they would have instantly recognized it as mine, because the bumper has a bit of twist.

This is the first that I have seen them since the breakup two months ago. It was harder than I thought it would be.
 
It’s been a little while since I posted last. I don’t know if I can say that things have gotten easier for me, but perhaps the pain is less acute. The sadness, however, remains and I grieve. I do wonder at times if I can ever hope to be happy, when all that I want is to love and to be loved. C and her daughter don’t occupy my thoughts as much as they did, and that is a blessing, even if it makes me sad to realize that I am letting go, a little. I know I have to let go, and I prayed for the strength to do so, but I don’t have anything else to hang on to. It’s hard to believe that we’ve been apart for two and a half months, which is half the time that we were together. It seems impossible, maybe because that time apart has been for me a smear of pain.

I’ve volunteered for one of the youth ministries at my church. In the last week, I’ve been to three Celebrate Recovery meetings, and I will go back to one of those tomorrow. I’m hoping to make friendships there. I’ve enrolled in a fitness program. Sometimes I worry that I’m just filling up my days with distractions, and that nothing important will really change. My counselor has been on vacation, and I will see her next week for the first time in three weeks. That will be a relief. She has sent me to a priest she knows well, and he has agreed to be my spiritual director.

Last weekend I had breakfast with a friend (one of my very few friends) and his wife. I met this guy in RCIA, told him my whole story, more or less, and he has been very kind to me. I have picked up a strange vibe from his wife the last few times I have seen them; she seemed to be watching me intently, as if she were studying me. I found out why when they asked if they could set me up with a friend of theirs, their daughter’s godmother, no less! I said okay, though I don’t expect anything to come of it because she lives in a neighboring state. It did cheer me up, though.

I pray and read scripture, but it isn’t enough. I am keenly, constantly aware of my spiritual poverty, that I have nothing and no hope but Him. But he seems so distant from me.
 
Hi Chip,

I’ve been following your thread for quite some time.

The only thing I can say is to echo what others have told you. You’re on the right track. All these activities may be distractions; but, what’s wrong with that? It’s getting you out with people. You’re serving your parish. That’s great. You’ve joined a gym. Also great. Sometimes, one foot in front of the other (one step at a time) is the only thing that got me through some tough times.

Perhaps I missed it, but, have you spent any time in quiet Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament? It’s a wonderful opportunity to ask God what HE wants you to do next. He will lead you, if you let him.

God Bless You
 
It’s fear, I suppose, fear that I will never be happy and fulfilled. I have this fear because I don’t truly trust that God will take care of me. I don’t trust because I don’t feel that I am worth his consideration. I don’t know why I feel this way; it’s taken me a lot of time and counseling to figure this much out.

I don’t feel worthwhile or loveable, and my instinctive reaction is to be baffled whenever I am shown that kind of regard. I am baffled by the fact that C’s daughter loved me. I am baffled by the fact that C’s beautiful, incredible family showed me so much warmth and welcome. I can’t imagine what anyone would see in me, and I don’t say that as a result of reflection, but as an immediate reaction. I can’t imagine what it would be like to feel any other way, either. I wish I could understand it all.

Thanks for the advice on adoration. That’s also been on my mind, lately, and I know that I need to spend more time in God’s presence.
 
Sounds like counseling is raising your awareness. This is a good thing.🙂

It also sounds like Adoration may be just what you need. Sitting alone with our Lord. It’s a very unique experience for me that usually results in calm, peace, serenity and a closeness to God.

God Bless You.
 
I ran into C the night before last in a grocery store. We were standing there cart to cart, looking at ground beef for several seconds before I noticed, with a shock, that the woman standing next to me was her. The feeling I had was indescribable. I just stood there, staring at her in disbelief, and then she looked at me, jumped, and said “[My name], what are you doing here?!” We talked for 5-10 minutes, mostly about what has happened in our lives since… I told her that I had seen her and her daughter in church a few weeks before, and she said that I should have come over to them and said hi. She said, with gentleness, that she was sorry that things didn’t work out for us, but that she had no bad feelings toward me, hoped I didn’t have any bad feelings toward her, and that I could always talk to them. She said (and this hurt a little) that her daughter often asks if they are ever going to see me again. We said goodbye, and I went home in a daze. She was as beautiful as ever.

I saw my counselor yesterday, for the first time in three weeks. It was a good session, but I have been very sad ever since. It is very difficult to see the point of going on. I feel like the beauty of the world is over ‘there’, and I am over ‘here’. I can see it, I can see that the world really is beautiful, but I can’t participate in that beauty. There is no place for me in it. I don’t understand anything.
 
Good Evening,

I can see your struggles with what you want and can’t have.

I listened to a cd by Fr. Larry yesterday. He says that dwelling on the past is the work of satan. Satan wants us to constantly look back. Christ is our future. He wants us to keep our mind and hearts focused on him. “C” seems to be a part of your past for now. Satan will do anything to keep you focused on the past, away from God. Don’t let Satan win. God does have a plan for each of us. We just need to put our faith in him and know he is always with us.

Please give Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament a try.

God Bless You.
 
Thanks, Mummsie. I have gone to Adoration for the last several days and will continue to do so.

Losing C, her daughter, her family, the dream that we had; all of this would be easier to bear if I weren’t so isolated, and if I could really believe that God loves me. I don’t know exactly why that is such a problem for me, but it is an agony, and it is my daily bread.
 
Chip, I am sorry that you are going through this pain. Please know that I am still praying for you, and that I trust in God that all will turn out well for you. You deserve the best because you are a wonderful person. Please, keep your faith in God, and His plans for you.
 
Chip, so glad to hear you have been going to Adoration. Have you enjoyed the peace that comes with silent prayer with our Lord?

Sometimes, we all feel unloveable; either because of our actions or our pain. I know God is with you, me, C, and her daughter. Even when we don’t hear him or feel him, God is with us. We are never alone. Like NiceMimi said, deep your trust and faith in God.

God Bless you.
 
chipeto said:
Thanks, Mummsie. I have gone to Adoration for the last several days and will continue to do so.

Losing C, her daughter, her family, the dream that we had; all of this would be easier to bear if I weren’t so isolated, and if I could really believe that God loves me. I don’t know exactly why that is such a problem for me, but it is an agony, and it is my daily bread.
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Just out of curiosity, what do you do for a living?
 
Mummsie said:
Chip, so glad to hear you have been going to Adoration. Have you enjoyed the peace that comes with silent prayer with our Lord?
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I don’t know that I’ve felt much peace, in adoration. Mostly, I feel sadness. Still, I will go, because Christ is my only hope.
Micah11 said:
Just out of curiosity, what do you do for a living?
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I’m a software engineer.
 
Chip,

I’ve been reading your posts, and if I may be so bold, you may want to try coming up with 5 things everyday that you are grateful for. When I am down in the dumps because things are challenging, I try to find 5 things I am grateful for. For instance, I may start by thanking God for His love, our loved ones, our home, food on the table, the sunset, and that we live in a country that stands for freedom. It has gotten to the point where it is pretty much automatic for me when I start feeling lousy. It sounds simple, but I have been doing it and a woman I know started doing it, and it works.

All is going well for you Chip. I trust in God that all will continue turning out well for you.

Heavenly Father, I trust in You Lord to help our good friend in Christ, Chip. Amen.
 
Hi Mimi,

That’s sound advice, I’m sure. I do try to be grateful, but the best I can do is to be thankful for other people’s happiness. I am thankful for C, her daughter, and for her relatives; they are such a beautiful family. I am grateful for all the happy families I saw in church tonight, and for the two little girls that happened to be sitting next to me, coloring. The little girl nearest me reached out and grabbed my hand when we started praying the Our Father, which made me smile.

But for me, life has lost its sweetness. In Henry Cloud’s book Changes that Heal, he talks about the feeling of meaninglessness that often accompanies isolation, and gives an example of a single man who says “I work hard to make a lot of money and be successful, but it doesn’t mean much. I don’t have anyone to share it with. I feel empty.” In a way, that’s me. I know that I’m very fortunate to have a good career and a good income. I don’t have any health problems and I’m in reasonably good shape. But it seems wasted on me, and I get no joy from it. I probably seem like a crybaby, but I think that Mother Teresa was right when she said that people need love more than they need food.

Thanks for your prayers. I’m doing my best to have faith and to trust.
 
Chip,

The Attitude of Gratitude that NiceMimi mentioned can sometimes be hard to do. However, as a 3 time cancer survivor, good health is something you could easily add to your list. Even more relevant to your current post is the little girl who reached out her hand to you. There is something to be grateful for. Perhaps God was reaching out to you. Perhaps he reaches out in many other ways. Maybe a stranger smiles at you or holds the door or lets you merge into tight traffic.

Remember, God gave you the skills to get a good career and good income. I’m sure he’s pleased you’ve used those skills; but, showing gratitude to God for these gifts is always a good thing.

I think I’ve learned to appreciate more “the giving of love”. I think I read some of your posts indicating you were volunteering at the Church. Does it lift your spirits when you help others?

Keep trusting in God. He believes in you.

God Bless You.
 
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