Desolate and alone

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TheRealJuliane said:
I can do better than a quick prayer. I will go to adoration before Mass tonight, say a rosary, and light a candle for you. I really feel for you, my friend.
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Juliane, Trishie, and those others who have prayed for me, I want to say that if I have not thanked you, it is because I am unaccustomed to, and overwhelmed by, such generosity. I have been unable to come up with any expression of thanks that does not seem trite in comparison. But for what it’s worth, thank you.
 
You have been quite amazing, really. We acted as soundboards, which wouldn’t have been of any use if you hadn’t had the inner strength and wisdom, the humility and honesty to move towards a healthy direction. You have developed with a new strength, and I’m a little proud of you. I’m delighted to have had the privilege of being one of those you trusted enough to help share this part of your journey.
May God continue to bless you
 
chipeto said:
Juliane, Trishie, and those others who have prayed for me, I want to say that if I have not thanked you, it is because I am unaccustomed to, and overwhelmed by, such generosity. I have been unable to come up with any expression of thanks that does not seem trite in comparison. But for what it’s worth, thank you.
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it’s OK Chipeto, I offered out of charity and love for you. And that Saturday was a good experience for me, Saturday’s devotions are the Joyful Mysteries. Each one was easy to apply to what you have shared with us.

1st Decade - the Annunciation - we pray for the love of humility. You have been humbled by the knowledge that your relationships cannot continue in the way they have been going.

2nd Decade - The Visitation - we pray for charity toward our neighbor. You have been more than charitable through the whole situation, and are still being charitable in a difficult time.

3rd Decade - The Birth of Jesus - we pray for the spirit of poverty. You know that money cannot solve all of your problems right now. Nor can your money help W.

4th Decade - The Presentation - we pray for the virtue of obedience. You are going to RCIA and moving toward eventual full communion with the Church. God is telling you that your situation needs to change and you are not fighting His plan in your life.

5th Decade - Finding Jesus in the Temple - we pray for the joy in finding Jesus. Jesus is your anchor and your arms are open to his love and care.
 
chipeto said:
Juliane, Trishie, and those others who have prayed for me, I want to say that if I have not thanked you, it is because I am unaccustomed to, and overwhelmed by, such generosity. I have been unable to come up with any expression of thanks that does not seem trite in comparison. But for what it’s worth, thank you.
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You are very welcome. Your thanks was heartfelt and sincere. You don’t have to come up with the perfect words. I think the reason you were “unaccustomed to, and overwhelmed by, such generosity” is that you live with a family of takers. W has taken from you all these years, as has her husband, and the children have learned to do so as well. They’re children and we can’t blame them completely, but they learn from their parents.

You need to learn that you are worthy of real love, and as one of the others posted, W does not really love you at all. You deserve so much more.

God bless you, Chipeto. I will keep praying for you.
 
There hasn’t been anything new to report until today, but what a day it has been!.

W bought some furniture from her secret boyfriend’s (from here on: BF) aunt, and asked this morning if I would help her son and BF (‘just a good friend’) move it here. Of course, I didn’t want to see him at all, but I knew that I was going to have to cross this bridge at some point, so I agreed.

So we drove to BF’s house, which is actually his uncle’s, since BF has financial problems and has been unable to afford his own place. I was harboring a lot of anxiety up to this point, though, I think, hiding that well enough. Then he opened the door, I was looking at him, and my anxiety…disappeared. It was simply gone.

I met him before, early this year, well before W’s separation, at a large children’s birthday party. It had been an hasty introduction, and honestly, I had hardly noticed him then. For some reason, I pictured him larger, but I don’t think he was more than two inches taller than my own modest height of 5’6" (W herself is a very sweetly petite 4’11"), so that was a surprise. He suddenly seemed human, I suppose. I shook his hand and looked directly in his eyes and felt…like I was in charge, if that makes any sense. I don’t know how else to explain it.

I looked at the car that he will sell to W’s daughter once he finds a replacement. It quickly became obvious that it is worth considerably more than he is asking her for it. It is equally obvious that his feelings for W explain the discrepancy.

There turned out to be much more furniture to move than I had realized, so I rented a moving truck. It’s been a long time since I’ve had to move furniture and the temperature outside was 105F. Seriously. So we were drenched in sweat. We drove back to my house and unloaded the furniture, he stays and chats for a few minutes, and then, as he is leaving, gives me a big sweaty ‘bro hug’. That was weird. It gets weirder.

The plan was for W’s husband (who has, at the least, strong suspicions about a relationship between W and BF) to come over tonight, bring his sons home, and grill steaks, as it is Labor Day. So W, H, and I go to the store to buy the food and who do we run into? BF, who is there with his kids (they do not live with him, in fact he is thrice-divorced)! It was very awkward, though no one could admit it and we all pretended that it wasn’t! I wonder, would this constitute a ‘love rectangle’?

After the events of today, I feel a great sense of relief, and a bit stronger. I thank God, for I have no strength of my own.
 
I’m glad that you continue having small epiphanies that are moving you towards a life of your own and helping you to reclaim yourself, a more mature self than you were at the time your strange living arrangements came into being.
May God continue to lead you.
Regarding the complications of the others involved, may God guide them.
Lord, may Your will be done in all these lives.
 
Like Trishie, I am also happy that things are moving on along in the right direction. You will be free soon enough, and perhaps now is the time to start looking at what your plans are for the future ----- writing out your goals (maybe in a black and white Composition book), and reflecting daily how you are going to go about achieving those goals.

Heavenly Father, thank You for helping Chip in the wonderful ways that You are helping him. Lord, I can see how You are blessing our dear Chip during his time of need. Thank You Father for favoring Chip, and for continuing to keep Him on Your holy path. Amen.
 
NiceMimi said:
You will be free soon enough, and perhaps now is the time to start looking at what your plans are for the future ----- writing out your goals (maybe in a black and white Composition book), and reflecting daily how you are going to go about achieving those goals.
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I think that is an excellent idea. I have been doing this in a way, but not very systematically. I also write little notes to myself that I review periodically, like the one that starts:
Remember always that she does not love you, she does not value you, she does not even like you. And she never will.
…
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The point of which is to keep me sober, so that I don’t become complacent. I review this particular note several times each day, because I am foolish and need the reminder, especially on good days.

I do have many bad moments, but I think that now it is sorrow, it is not so acute as grief. I am especially sad when I think of all the people my age I know that have teenage, or even grown, children.

My sister and her husband have eight children, including one just adopted. I am going to see them and my parents next week, on the other side of the country. They are all wonderful, loving, and devout people, Protestants. I will be telling them that I am in the process of becoming a Catholic. Though I’ve been on this journey for years now, I’ve not discussed it with them at all, mostly because I am very methodical and I wanted to be sure of my decision. The only person I told was W, who, even though I told her in strictest confidence, went ahead and relayed it to several of her friends. I’m not sure how my family will receive the news.

I’m learning to be grateful. I’m really grateful for my family. I’m grateful for you, my friends, who have given me more than I can repay, even when suffering very real problems of your own. I’m grateful for the fourteen years I’ve lost, and for all the pain and rejection I’ve felt, because I know that God loves me and will make something beautiful out of it if I surrender it all to Him.

I will end with a brief essay which has moved me:

Love the Person You See
 
I wouldn’t say that you have lost 14 years. Everything in life happens in God’s excellent timing. I would say that it is a learning situation, and you have grown and are in the process of moving on. When you look back down the road, you will see how everything in life somehow happened for an excellent purpose. You may want to make a list of goals. It’s nice that you are writing reminders to yourself, but writing goals is the key to helping you during this time of transition. I think it’s great that you are leaving for some time and visiting family. Have a nice time.

Heavenly Father, in faith, thank You for helping Chip during this transitioning period. Lord, thank You for keeping Chip and walking with him every step of the way. Amen.
 
I have been on vacation now with my parents and sister’s family only one and one half days, and I’m finding it hard. I do enjoy seeing them and playing with my nieces and nephews, but my heart is still back home, and I feel lost and forelorn away from my ‘family’. I don’t know how I will last until Saturday.

I’m trying to be cheerful, but I feel like I’m dragging them down, even though they know I’m going through a hard time. I have no joy, and I don’t think that I can live without it.

I’m going to turn in, pray the Rosary, and try to sleep.
 
Hi Chip, I am very happy that you went to visit your family. I am sure that your parents, your sister, and her family are thrilled that you have come to visit. I read about a study once. That when you smile, even though, you may not feeling like smiling, you find that things do start to change because you feel better. You may want to try that. It is very simple, but it works. Also, while you are visiting your family, have you looked into the job possibilities and housing in their area? My two cents — you may or may not want to consider this idea (I won’t be insulted if you don’t): why don’t you just cut your loses with those folks back there? Make a clean cut, and just not go back. Leave it all behind, and designate a lawyer to handle any and all paperwork that is necessary to close everything out in your past life? Just let go and let God, and start anew.

Heavenly Father, in faith, I thank You, Almighty Father, for continuing to help Chip make his way on Your Path Lord. Thank You Father, for walking with our dear Chip every step of the way as he starts his new life. Amen.
 
NiceMimi said:
My two cents — you may or may not want to consider this idea (I won’t be insulted if you don’t): why don’t you just cut your loses with those folks back there? Make a clean cut, and just not go back. Leave it all behind, and designate a lawyer to handle any and all paperwork that is necessary to close everything out in your past life? Just let go and let God, and start anew.
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That’s not an option, I’m afraid. I have obligations, and hence responsibilities that I can’t run away from. And there are the children back home that I love and who love me. I know that there will have to be some discomfort for them in order that the best be done for all in the long run, but I won’t hurt them just to mitigate my own pain.
 
chipeto said:
That’s not an option, I’m afraid. I have obligations, and hence responsibilities that I can’t run away from. And there are the children back home that I love and who love me. I know that there will have to be some discomfort for them in order that the best be done for all in the long run, but I won’t hurt them just to mitigate my own pain.
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God bless you Chip. Yes, you are right. It is best to just bring closure to this situation on your terms. I trust all will go well when you go back. In the meantime, you may want to look into possibly joining some kind of activity (swimming class, book club, etc.).

Heavenly Father, in faith, I thank You for continuing to help Chip concerning this situation. Thank You Father for walking with Chip each and every step of the way.
 
I returned from vacation on Saturday; I’ve just been trying to collect my thoughts since then. On the whole, it was a good, though difficult time. I told my mother about my imminent Catholicism, and it did not seem to faze her. She has a good friend who is Catholic and whose love for God she does not doubt. She said that as long as Christ comes first in my life, that is what matters. So, that went well!

I spent much time with my sister, her husband, and their nine children, ranging in age from two to 22. What an amazing family they are! My sister has become a hero in my eyes. She is kind, loving, and patient. She is meek but firm, and slow to anger. She seems tireless, and has home-schooled each of her children. I kept thinking how wonderful it would be to have a family like that.

On the home front, it is clear that there will be no change in living arrangements before next year. W needs the government housing assistance, which will not be available before then. Also…she is in love, and naturally this consumes much of her attention. Between her desire to be with her BF, and her desperate need to keep this affair a secret (for her whole world would come apart, in terms of family, church, and friends, if the truth would out, and her children would be completely crushed if they knew what she is doing), she hasn’t much attention left for other things.

Mimi, I have been following your advice about goal-setting, and it has definitely been helpful. Also, I have gained weight over the last fourteen years, but in the last ten weeks I have lost nearly 30 pounds, which is halfway to my target. Even though I’ve gotten my appetite back, I have found it remarkably easy of late to control my eating, which is an entirely new phenomenon for me.

I have decided to join a gym, though exercise may be difficult right now as I am still having difficulty sleeping. Another goal is to attend daily mass, but the sleep thing has hampered that, as well.

W’s nineteen-year-old daughter came to my door the other night, and we sat on the floor and talked for over an hour, mostly about the many places that we have lived. She mentioned that her earliest concrete memories of any home that she has had were of the little apartment that we all shared together when she was five. This nearly brought a tear to my eye. The kids and I have been so close these last few months, and I take such pleasure in doing anything for them or just talking to them, but I know that I need to form relationships outside of this house. I think that will be difficult for me.

RCIA starts in one week!
 
God bless you Chipeto.
I continue to pray for you,
and for the family.
I don’t see why you can’t be an uncle for the children even in your own new life, even as you seek to form new friendships.

I’m glad your mother is compliant regarding your conversion,
and that you are regaining health.
May God bless your RCIA journey.
 
Hi Chip! I am glad to hear that all is well for you. I am with Trishie, that it is okay to be an uncle to the children as you forge new friendships outside of the home.

As for not being able to sleep, I do know what that is like. I have made it a point, though, to mentally see myself walking up to God’s great feet and laying all of my concerns at His feet. Amazingly enough, it seems that things work themselves out on their own when I do that. As for those things that have still not worked themselves out, we keep the faith that God is working on those things. Also, when it comes to trying to get to enough sleep, I’ve taken to eating a cup of Cheerios cereal with a cup of milk if I can’t sleep. The carbs seem to induce sleep. If I still can’t sleep after 15 minutes, I take two aspirins, and that seems to cinch it for me. As I am sure you know, getting 7-8 hours of sleep is ideal. As for losing weight. You may want to try Weight Watchers online, and start out small when it comes to exercising – 5 minutes 3 times a week, and then another 5 minutes every week until you are doing an hour three times a week. Joining the gym is a great idea!! Also, have you thought of picking up a class at the gym? What about a hiking group, a reading group, etc? You can always start these groups yourself. Ask if you can put up a notice at a local Starbucks’ bulletin board, and see the amazing people you will meet! You may also want to consider taking a trip ----- perhaps across the country or Europe for a couple of weeks ------ one of those single people trips would be a great idea! Anyway, I trust all will continue going well for you. You are a single, young man ----- the sky is the limit!

Heavenly Father, thank You for continuing to guide and walk every step of the way with Chip. Father, I trust that You have the greatest of great plans for our dear Chip. Amen.
 
In truth, it would be hard for me to find the strength to take bold initiatives like starting a group. Remember that I haven’t made any friends in more than 15 years, so I’m rusty. Nowadays my mood will swing between having a sense of peace and joy, and being totally depressed, and I can swing to the latter quite rapidly. And then on top of that, a lack of sleep. Last night, I tried melatonin. It did help me go to sleep, but I woke up at 12:45, and tossed and turned until morning.

All of the kids except the eldest daughter will be gone next weekend, camping with their father. W, who has been very friendly to me lately, informs me that she will not be here either: she gave some flimsy story, but I know perfectly well that she is taking advantage of the kids being gone in order to spend a romantic weekend with her BF. Why do I care? Because I’m envious.

depressed rant follows

Why does she find love so easily? It hardly seems fair. She is beautiful, to be sure, and I am not (though once she found me attractive). Is that all there is to it? I am a sinner, to be sure, but I have never been unfaithful, and she has been with both of her husbands. Sometimes I wish I could be like St Therese, who as far as I know never seemed to have any interest in the opposite sex, as such. But I do have an interest, a mighty interest, and a lot of love to give, and I love children enormously.

end of rant

OK, I know that I’ve no one to blame but me for the fact that I’ve not found love, when I’ve sequestered myself for 14 years, but I worry that some mistakes have gone on for so long that they can’t be reversed.

I suppose it would help if I were less selfish! I would like to be, since I am now single, what JPII once gave as a definition of a priest: a man for others. It’s a paradox, isn’t it? I want something (e.g. marriage, family), but I must seek first the kingdom, and surrender to God’s will. Genuinely. I must lose my life in order to find it. This is a great struggle for me to understand and implement.
NiceMimi said:
You are a single, young man ----- the sky is the limit!
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That’s nice of you to say, but at age 40, it’s hard for me to see it that way, especially in terms of relationships.
 
Chip, I trust that you would be able to find love and all of the wonderful things in life, but you have to give it a chance. You need to free yourself first of this situation. 40 is pretty young. I guess that someone can feel old at any age. John Maxwell once said, “We cannot achieve our wildest dreams by remaining who we are.” Just keep focusing on those goals. Also, perhaps it is time for your to see your doctor, and tell him/her what is going on. Perhaps he/she can recommend a therapist. I think it will help to speak to a professional about your situation. There is a book called "People of the Lie"By M. Scott Peck, MD …he is the same guy who wrote the book “The Road Less Travelled” …it’s time for a paradigm shift Chip.

Heavenly Father, I lift up Chip to You Lord. In faith, I thank You for giving Chip the vision that he needs to move forward towards the plans that You have in store for him. Lord Jeremiah 29:11 says: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Please help see this. Thank You Father for helping him.
 
chipeto said:
That’s nice of you to say, but at age 40, it’s hard for me to see it that way, especially in terms of relationships.
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Oh please don’t give up hope!!! My aunt married a 40 year old man when she was 34, and here they are, 16 years later with 3 children. My other aunt was in her late 40s when she married for the first time (he was divorced with 2 kids).
 
Each of my sons found the love of their life in and around 40!
So you may be convinced it wont happen for you.
But I’m not!

You are healing and rediscovering at present.
You’ll find her at right time I guess!
 
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