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mccartyj
Guest
You make some great points. I’ll have to keep those in mind. I am such an emotional person and I’ve told him that he is ruining mine and my daughter’s life and I know that it doesn’t help. I will pray for you as well. I would love to hear the advice from your priest. I hope to be talking to mine soon.Hi Jessica. I’m very sorry that you’re going through this right now. I also am in a fight to save my marriage.
My husband has mentioned divorce several times the past 8 months. We’ve been married almost 9 years. We always reconcile and very recently finally had our marriage Convalidated. A few months later, he’s not happy again and I’m the culprit.
What I’ve learned is all my crying, begging, pleading, reasoning, and affection has only pushed him further away. Men don’t like needy women. It’s too much for them to handle. I don’t know if you’re like me, but I’m learning the hard way.
Originally his wanting to leave was “its not you, its me” story. Now, he says I’m suffocating and draining the life from him. I’m very angry at myself for letting him have such a control on my happiness. I do know I’m not the sole source of our issues.
My #1 goal through all this is to be strong. When he calls, I don’t want him to know the torment and misery he’s putting me through. If I can manage to keep my emotions in check, the main things I want to relay to him is I **don’t **want a divorce, I’ll settle on separation if necessary, I’ll work on my issues as he works on his, and continuing going to Church is an absolute must for us both. I want him to know that this isn’t entirely his fault and I’m to blame too. But divorce isn’t the answer.
I’m hopeful he’ll receive my “compromise” but I can’t let myself get too hurt if he does not. Perhaps something like this would help your situation.
I’m going to meet with my Priest this week to get his guidance / advice. I’ll pass along any recommendations he provides.
Please pray for me as I’ll pray for you.
Jessica in Indiana
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mccartyj
Guest
Me and my daughter actually went out of town, Friday night through Saturday night. I texted him to let him know what was going on. He texted me back after he got home from work and it was weird us not being there and he didn’t like it. I talked to him the next day to make sure he got up for work and check in and he was pleasant.
When he got home that night from work, I was in bed already (he works second this week and didn’t get home to after 2am). He was really nice and asked about our trip and how he missed us and was glad we had a good time. He then started loving on me.
We eventually got in a fight about it. One of our big disagreements in the church’s teachings on sex. He does not agree at all and doesn’t like that I try to follow the teachings. We are fairly new converts (last year) so our love life was not always like this. It has been a big adjustment. It doesn’t help that we were intimate before marriage and lived toghether. He’s having a very hard time with the changes and I don’t know what to do. I think it has been one of the breaking points. If he was getting loving the way he wants and was used to, he probably wouldn’t be asking for a divorce. He is able to handle a lot more as long as he is getting what he needs sexually.
I am still so confused. He’ll be home this week at nights so hopefully we’ll be able to talk. I’m also calling Sister tomorrow to make some sort of appointment either with her or a priest. I also need to talk to my doctor about upping my anxiety meds. I need to take care of myself.
I’m trying to come up with terms for what’s going on. Like other people have suggested. Like separation, but no divorce until trying to go through methods of reconciliation, I’ll get a job, we’ll talk about division of labor at home, marriage counseling, speaking to our priest and possibly going to Retrouvaille.
Thanks everyone! Please continuing praying for us and if anyone has any more advice please I would love it!
Jessica in Indiana
When he got home that night from work, I was in bed already (he works second this week and didn’t get home to after 2am). He was really nice and asked about our trip and how he missed us and was glad we had a good time. He then started loving on me.
We eventually got in a fight about it. One of our big disagreements in the church’s teachings on sex. He does not agree at all and doesn’t like that I try to follow the teachings. We are fairly new converts (last year) so our love life was not always like this. It has been a big adjustment. It doesn’t help that we were intimate before marriage and lived toghether. He’s having a very hard time with the changes and I don’t know what to do. I think it has been one of the breaking points. If he was getting loving the way he wants and was used to, he probably wouldn’t be asking for a divorce. He is able to handle a lot more as long as he is getting what he needs sexually.
I am still so confused. He’ll be home this week at nights so hopefully we’ll be able to talk. I’m also calling Sister tomorrow to make some sort of appointment either with her or a priest. I also need to talk to my doctor about upping my anxiety meds. I need to take care of myself.
I’m trying to come up with terms for what’s going on. Like other people have suggested. Like separation, but no divorce until trying to go through methods of reconciliation, I’ll get a job, we’ll talk about division of labor at home, marriage counseling, speaking to our priest and possibly going to Retrouvaille.
Thanks everyone! Please continuing praying for us and if anyone has any more advice please I would love it!
Jessica in Indiana
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
Good for you for getting out of town and enjoying yourself! That shows him that you are not going to sit around crying after he dropped his nuclear bomb. Shows him strength which is always attractive to men. That was THE BEST thing you could have done under the circumstances! 
The sexual problems sound only too familiar. I advise you to get Catholic counseling. Call Catholic Charities - they offer counseling on a sliding scale. Does your husband understand what the Church requires of us? I can tell you that my husband and I nearly separated over sex. We had a premarital history of doing whatever we wanted to, even after returning to the Church I didn’t realize that every act had to be unitive and open to life, so we carried on pretty much as we always did. I knew my own sexual past was extremely sinful and I felt guilty about that, and confessed it, but our ongoing sexual issues were also sinful so I had to confess those too.
I had changed the terms on my husband and he still doesn’t understand. He’s been lapsed for 40 years or more, and is either an agnostic or an atheist. He fakes it for our sons’ sake. All I’m saying is that it takes a lot of work to get through these kinds of issues, which is where a good counselor can help. Just talking calmly about sex is a challenge when there’s been a huge change like conversion.
I will add you to my prayers. Be patient with him. Men do need sexual intimacy in a way most women do not. Try to work WITH him and not against him.
The sexual problems sound only too familiar. I advise you to get Catholic counseling. Call Catholic Charities - they offer counseling on a sliding scale. Does your husband understand what the Church requires of us? I can tell you that my husband and I nearly separated over sex. We had a premarital history of doing whatever we wanted to, even after returning to the Church I didn’t realize that every act had to be unitive and open to life, so we carried on pretty much as we always did. I knew my own sexual past was extremely sinful and I felt guilty about that, and confessed it, but our ongoing sexual issues were also sinful so I had to confess those too.
I had changed the terms on my husband and he still doesn’t understand. He’s been lapsed for 40 years or more, and is either an agnostic or an atheist. He fakes it for our sons’ sake. All I’m saying is that it takes a lot of work to get through these kinds of issues, which is where a good counselor can help. Just talking calmly about sex is a challenge when there’s been a huge change like conversion.
I will add you to my prayers. Be patient with him. Men do need sexual intimacy in a way most women do not. Try to work WITH him and not against him.
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mccartyj
Guest
Thank you. It’s nice to know that we are not the only ones dealing with this. My husband barely even fakes it for our daughter, but she’s only 2. If we don’t get divorced, I don’t know how he will handle things when she gets older. If we do get divorced, he has already said that he will leave the Catholic Church. It is so hard and hopefully we will be able to do counseling and that will help.Good for you for getting out of town and enjoying yourself! That shows him that you are not going to sit around crying after he dropped his nuclear bomb. Shows him strength which is always attractive to men. That was THE BEST thing you could have done under the circumstances!
The sexual problems sound only too familiar. I advise you to get Catholic counseling. Call Catholic Charities - they offer counseling on a sliding scale. Does your husband understand what the Church requires of us? I can tell you that my husband and I nearly separated over sex. We had a premarital history of doing whatever we wanted to, even after returning to the Church I didn’t realize that every act had to be unitive and open to life, so we carried on pretty much as we always did. I knew my own sexual past was extremely sinful and I felt guilty about that, and confessed it, but our ongoing sexual issues were also sinful so I had to confess those too.
I had changed the terms on my husband and he still doesn’t understand. He’s been lapsed for 40 years or more, and is either an agnostic or an atheist. He fakes it for our sons’ sake. All I’m saying is that it takes a lot of work to get through these kinds of issues, which is where a good counselor can help. Just talking calmly about sex is a challenge when there’s been a huge change like conversion.
I will add you to my prayers. Be patient with him. Men do need sexual intimacy in a way most women do not. Try to work WITH him and not against him.
I know he needs sex way more than I do. I enjoy it too just not as much lately. It is a struggle for me changing our ways as well, but I honestly did certain things just because he enjoyed them, not because I did. I guess I faked it so well that he thought I enjoyed them too. It is probably our second biggest struggle and if we weren’t struggling so much in this area, our other disagreements probably wouldn’t be so bad.
How do you deal with sexual issues when your husband doesn’t agree? Whether he is a Protestant, non-believer or has just fallen away from the church. Certain things he does are between him and God and I have stopped playing the Holy Spirit. But when they involve me, I am not going to sin because he pouts about not getting his way. I never thought that my faith would be one of the reasons that he would want to leave me.
Jessica in Indiana
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TheRealJuliane
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Sent you a PM.
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maltmom
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Jessica, I’m so sorry you are going through this. Know that you are not alone. God is with you and will see you through whatever may come to pass. Hold on to His love.
I was married 21 months. I remember putting up a Happy Birthday message to my then husband and saying that I loved him and couldn’t imagine my life without him. A week later something happened and my world came crashing down. I told him to leave and he moved out a week later. In the months following I found out things that literally made me want to throw up. My faith got me through this. Your faith will sustain you as well.
I’m praying for you and your family. I know that right now every fiber of your being is going into panic mode. It feels like your world is shattering into a million pieces. You will survive with or without him. You will do well because you have God on your side and your precious child.
We are all here for you.
I was married 21 months. I remember putting up a Happy Birthday message to my then husband and saying that I loved him and couldn’t imagine my life without him. A week later something happened and my world came crashing down. I told him to leave and he moved out a week later. In the months following I found out things that literally made me want to throw up. My faith got me through this. Your faith will sustain you as well.
I’m praying for you and your family. I know that right now every fiber of your being is going into panic mode. It feels like your world is shattering into a million pieces. You will survive with or without him. You will do well because you have God on your side and your precious child.
We are all here for you.
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loozcannon
Guest
Jessica,
Like many on here, I’ve had my share of marital problems. Only I’m the husband on the recieving end. I won’t get into details on the forum, but feel free to PM me if you wish.
Meanwhile, there’s a great book called the Five Love Languages:
amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1338841126&sr=1-1
It’s very influential. From your last post, it indicated to me that the love is there, but maybe it’s untapped.
Anywho, click that link or look it up yourself. Maybe it’s another option you can try out.
Like many on here, I’ve had my share of marital problems. Only I’m the husband on the recieving end. I won’t get into details on the forum, but feel free to PM me if you wish.
Meanwhile, there’s a great book called the Five Love Languages:
amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1338841126&sr=1-1
It’s very influential. From your last post, it indicated to me that the love is there, but maybe it’s untapped.
Anywho, click that link or look it up yourself. Maybe it’s another option you can try out.
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AthenaC
Guest
All right, where is he? cracks knuckes
Aww, isn’t that cute? He needs sex.
Well, you need security. Particularly since you are a stay-at-home mom - you are vulnerable to his whims regarding divorce; this is an inherent flaw in the traditional marriage model, but what are ya gonna do? It’s a fallen world after all.
If he can’t muster up the emotional resources to take care of you and give you what you need (security), how exactly does he expect you to muster up the emotional resources to take care of him and give him what he needs sexually? Love is a two-way street. Hopefully there is some way to get it through his thick head and he will reciprocate. Until that point, you have every right to not be in the mood; your lack of desire is your psychological survival instinct kicking in because of the stress he is putting on you.
Unfortunately, the reality is that in 99.9999999999999% of cases, men don’t give a rat’s behind about fixing their relationships. Men just know they aren’t happy and they walk away when the women don’t magically change to suit them; all the burden to fix the relationship is on the women, while men don’t lift a finger. That’s why books like The Five Love Languages and many other “save your marriage” self-help books are ALL written toward women. I hope, for your sake, that your husband can be something other than the stereotypical man.
Praying for you.
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mccartyj
Guest
Thanks! Really appreciate that! I think you hit it on the nail. I do need security. One of my biggest struggles now is trusting him. Trusting that if we make it through this battle, that in 10 months when things get hard again, he will throw the divorce card out there. (Ten months is just an example!) We promised for better or worse, richer or poorer; unfortunately it’s been a lot of worse and poorer lately! I see why some women think they needs jobs! This is a stay at home mom’s worst nightmare! Well, one of them. I know that I haven’t lived up to my end of the bargain; I’ve put him on the back burner trying to be a good mother and trying to make our house a home. It’s hard on a tight budget and our daughter is very demanding. I let our relationship slide and I take full responsibility for my part in that.All right, where is he? cracks knuckes
Aww, isn’t that cute? He needs sex.
Well, you need security. Particularly since you are a stay-at-home mom - you are vulnerable to his whims regarding divorce; this is an inherent flaw in the traditional marriage model, but what are ya gonna do? It’s a fallen world after all.
If he can’t muster up the emotional resources to take care of you and give you what you need (security), how exactly does he expect you to muster up the emotional resources to take care of him and give him what he needs sexually? Love is a two-way street. Hopefully there is some way to get it through his thick head and he will reciprocate. Until that point, you have every right to not be in the mood; your lack of desire is your psychological survival instinct kicking in because of the stress he is putting on you.
Unfortunately, the reality is that in 99.9999999999999% of cases, men don’t give a rat’s behind about fixing their relationships. Men just know they aren’t happy and they walk away when the women don’t magically change to suit them; all the burden to fix the relationship is on the women, while men don’t lift a finger. That’s why books like The Five Love Languages and many other “save your marriage” self-help books are ALL written toward women. I hope, for your sake, that your husband can be something other than the stereotypical man.
Praying for you.
I made an appointment with the Sister at our church for Wednesday, so hopefully me and my husband can put off discussing anything until then. Shouldn’t be a huge problem, he will be exhausted when he gets home from work tonight. He’s adjusting to going back on first and didn’t sleep at all last night plus he’s working overtime today.
I’m starting to look for a job and it’s terrifying! I haven’t worked in over 2 years and before that it was very sporadic and quite a few different jobs. My work history looks horrible! There’s not much hiring where we live and I don’t think a professional place would hire me. I will still try of course.
I just need to keep on moving and going forward. I’ve had a difficult time with my daughter today and had a horrible time focusing! So tired! I was doing my editing work (contract work I do from home) and it was taking me forever. I felt like my brain was in a fog! And I’m babysitting tonight from 9:30 pm to 2:15 am so I won’t get much sleep for tomorrow!
I appreciate everyone’s prayers and advice! It has helped a lot so far!
Jessica in Indiana
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
Wow, AthenaC.! This is a very uncharitable post. Are you in a rotten mood or something? It’s really unfair to paint such a nasty portrait and insist that 99.99999 etc. % of them are the way you describe. Very snarky and not at all helpful to the OP.All right, where is he? cracks knuckes
Aww, isn’t that cute? He needs sex.
Well, you need security. Particularly since you are a stay-at-home mom - you are vulnerable to his whims regarding divorce; this is an inherent flaw in the traditional marriage model, but what are ya gonna do? It’s a fallen world after all.
If he can’t muster up the emotional resources to take care of you and give you what you need (security), how exactly does he expect you to muster up the emotional resources to take care of him and give him what he needs sexually? Love is a two-way street. Hopefully there is some way to get it through his thick head and he will reciprocate. Until that point, you have every right to not be in the mood; your lack of desire is your psychological survival instinct kicking in because of the stress he is putting on you.
Unfortunately, the reality is that in 99.9999999999999% of cases, men don’t give a rat’s behind about fixing their relationships. Men just know they aren’t happy and they walk away when the women don’t magically change to suit them; all the burden to fix the relationship is on the women, while men don’t lift a finger. That’s why books like The Five Love Languages and many other “save your marriage” self-help books are ALL written toward women. I hope, for your sake, that your husband can be something other than the stereotypical man.
Praying for you.
It takes 2 people to make a successful marriage and it takes 2 people to mess things up. Denying her husband the marriage bed is NOT the way to go. It’s a sure way to make things worse. Men are not animals because they desire to unite with us in sexual intimacy. A lot of the time, WE are in control, and they have to practically beg us for sex. That’s not healthy.
When things get to the point of one spouse threatening divorce, it needs a 3rd party to help get the issues out in the open and learn how to work together to solve the problems. Otherwise what I have seen happen is that both parties take a corner and start a boxing match instead of teaming up to beat the problems down.
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AthenaC
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On a positive note, I did know one couple on the brink of divorce where the husband was extremely callous toward his wife’s feelings … and he actually had a breakthrough during counseling where he realized “Oh - maybe I am contributing to this mess and making my wife feel like poo.” And he changed. That was 7 years ago, and they are still together. So it does happen sometimes.
Not uncharitable, realistic. Not nasty, realistic. Snarky? After re-reading, I suppose some parts are a bit snarky, ya. I am not amused by men who emotionally abuse women; so sue me.Wow, AthenaC.! This is a very uncharitable post. Are you in a rotten mood or something? It’s really unfair to paint such a nasty portrait and insist that 99.99999 etc. % of them are the way you describe. Very snarky and not at all helpful to the OP.
It takes 2 to float the boat, but only one to sink it. In many cases it is both people sinking the boat, but it only takes one. Men who “desire to unite with us” are not animals. Men who demand that their needs be met without lifting a finger to meet their partner’s needs are not animals either; they are much worse than animals. No woman should sacrifice her psychological well-being to meet her husband’s physical desires. The scenario you are assuming in the above paragraph is a healthy relationship. I am assuming an unhealthy relationship because that is what the OP described; I responded accordingly.
Even with a 3rd party, people still need to change. In all the marriages I have observed as they fall apart, I have only seen 2 men willing to change to make life tolerable for their wives. That’s not many. If a man actually takes care of his wife emotionally, he will likely find that (surprise!) sex isn’t an issue. The OP’s husband is draining her beyond her design capacity as a human being by demanding she put energy into the relationship and giving nothing in return.
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TheRealJuliane
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Jessica, this is not to make you feel bad, I’m just trying to show another poster that all the responsibility for the problems does not fall on your husband.
AthenaC, the name-calling is minor, but Jessica alluded to mistakes she has made with finances and jobs. We don’t know half of the story here. We know only what she’s told us. He might tell an entirely different story. I think they should see a counselor as soon as possible.
It does women no favors to paint us as the victims of men.
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AthenaC
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True, but it also does women no favors to put the burden on them to achieve outcomes that are beyond their control, and ask them to ensure their psychological destruction to do so.
The fact is that there are plenty of situations where men abuse their status within marriage and take advantage of their wives’ vulnerable status. OP’s situation appears to be one of those. Calling those situations out for what they are and calling those men out for what they are is not “painting women as victims.” It is stating a fact.
OP, I will admit I don’t know how to fix a marriage. But I do know how to recover from one falling apart. If (God forbid!) your husband follows through with his threats and abandons you, I’m your girl. Just throwing that out there.
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bonvivantHermit
Guest
Oy vey! Let me say it loud and clear- sometimes, and I bet more often than that, it’s ONE!
One person can ruin everything- its doesn’t take two, it takes one FLY in the ointment, one HAIR in the stew, one PIN on the floor in your foot, ONE worm in the apple…
you get it. Narcissistic folks can easily destroy an entire family. Do what you can, examine your behavior, but don’t find fault where there isn’t just b/c folks keep saying it
takes two. I know. I was the jerk once, and it was all me.
PS
You will find you did SOMETHING wrong, you’re human…but you know what I mean. Did you flirt w/ other men; get drunk and harangue your husband; spend money secretly -did you do these sorts of things repeatedly, flagarently?
One person can ruin everything- its doesn’t take two, it takes one FLY in the ointment, one HAIR in the stew, one PIN on the floor in your foot, ONE worm in the apple…
you get it. Narcissistic folks can easily destroy an entire family. Do what you can, examine your behavior, but don’t find fault where there isn’t just b/c folks keep saying it
takes two. I know. I was the jerk once, and it was all me.
PS
You will find you did SOMETHING wrong, you’re human…but you know what I mean. Did you flirt w/ other men; get drunk and harangue your husband; spend money secretly -did you do these sorts of things repeatedly, flagarently?
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slotty
Guest
Firstly I’m a newly married Catholic man.
I’m going to try and give a different approach because there is a huge amount of man bashing going on here.
That aside from what you’ve said throughout your posts to me your husband seems to be suffering from some internal issues. I think your husband needs to surround himself with some solid Catholic men and forge good trustworthy friendships that reinforces the notion of Catholic brotherhood.
I’m going to try and give a different approach because there is a huge amount of man bashing going on here.
This is huge!!! You lied to your husband through your actions. The worst part is it was in the most intimate of ways.
That aside from what you’ve said throughout your posts to me your husband seems to be suffering from some internal issues. I think your husband needs to surround himself with some solid Catholic men and forge good trustworthy friendships that reinforces the notion of Catholic brotherhood.
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bonvivantHermit
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Her husband is not interested in following Church teaching. And she went along with sex acts she didn’t want…I think she was trying. Faking orgasm was for him. Sort like when a man says “Honey, this tastes great!” And I don’t believe he agrees w/ NFP either.
He needs to talk to his wife. And not threaten divorce, that’s key.
He needs to talk to his wife. And not threaten divorce, that’s key.
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
You are going WAY beyond what the OP has told us. Let’s stay away from trying to figure out exactly what’s going on, OK? Her husband is not a villain and she is not an innocent damsel in distress. She does want to repair her marriage and we all want to support her in doing that, if possible. Her husband is the father of their daughter so even if they do divorce, they will always have to deal with each other because of their daughter.
Let’s go back to first principles: Go to your priest, and get counseling.
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bonvivantHermit
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Juliane-
You don’t know any thing you claim is true. I said it could be ONE, to examine herself.
Her husband wants to leave a woman and child- that’s rotten. That’s cruel, she’s dependent on him and desparate.
Now you’re saying talk to priest, I agree she should, but based on what she’s said I think she watch her back, get counseling and consider it’s not her. I wonder about the first marriage, why did wife leave?
Who knows? I don’t and NEITHER do you. We do a disservice stating it HAS TO be her fault, may be it is, may be it isn’t.
You don’t know any thing you claim is true. I said it could be ONE, to examine herself.
Her husband wants to leave a woman and child- that’s rotten. That’s cruel, she’s dependent on him and desparate.
Now you’re saying talk to priest, I agree she should, but based on what she’s said I think she watch her back, get counseling and consider it’s not her. I wonder about the first marriage, why did wife leave?
Who knows? I don’t and NEITHER do you. We do a disservice stating it HAS TO be her fault, may be it is, may be it isn’t.
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
I am not “claiming” anything! What I stated is only what the OP has herself stated! We don’t know, so why assume?
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