Desperate Plea for Help! My husband wants a divorce!

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mccartyj said:
I have watched the movie “Fireproof” and love it! Excellent movie! I have not read the book though. I’ve tried still being nice and loving to him and he tells me not to. He says I’m acting like nothing is wrong. I tell him I know something is wrong but I still love him and I will still treat him in a loving way. It’s like he’s feeling guilty because I don’t hate him for what’s going on. It would be easier for him.

Jessica
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Of course it would be! Do not give him that easy out! If you were being a shrew he could leave without a smidgen of guilt! Take a look at the Divorce Busting website. She is really big on NOT being miserable and/or fighting with a spouse who is using the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” statement. FIGHT FOR your marriage, not against your husband!

👍
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Of course it would be! Do not give him that easy out! If you were being a shrew he could leave without a smidgen of guilt! Take a look at the Divorce Busting website. She is really big on NOT being miserable and/or fighting with a spouse who is using the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” statement. FIGHT FOR your marriage, not against your husband!

👍
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Thanks! I know, right?

I ordered a book from the Divorce Busting website and am trying to read through it currently. Not a lot of time to read lately though, with trying to find a job, raising my daughter, working from home part-time and just trying to keep up on everything while being extremely stressed.

Jessica
 
TheRealJuliane said:
You’re in my prayers.

:crossrc:
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Thanks! We didn’t talk much this weekend. He’s been working the whole time. When we talked yesterday, he asked if anyone had called back about jobs and I said no, not yet. Hopefully I will get a call from the counselor this week to set something up. We’ll see how this week goes and if we get a chance to talk, depends entirely on his work schedule and how much he has to work.

Thanks for everyone’s prayers! I appreciate it so much. Just getting to get this all out there has helped a lot. I’ve only talked to my best friend and the Sister from church about it. My best friend is not Catholic, and although very supportive, just doesn’t understand everything since some problems are directly Catholic related. She doesn’t see how God could expect me to never get remarried since DH would be divorcing me. I told her that it’s right in the Bible for every Christian to see. It’s not something that the Catholic church is hiding from everyone.

Jessica
 
Can I offer a bit of advice? I am not a Catholic but I think what I say may be helpful.

How do you treat your husband? St Paul and St Peter wrote that wives were to submit to their husbands and respect them. St Peter went as far as to say that the unbelieving husband can be won over by the lifestyle of the wife without a word (I assume that means without her nagging him). Do you fuss at your husbad when he asks you to get a job, or do you willing submit to his discretion? Respect and submission, very unpopular words in this age will go a long way in gaining your husbands trust.

Next, Porn is a big problem. I’ve struggle with it in my adult life and in my marriage and am recovering. Porn aggrevates the soul. It changes who you are, makes you more irritable, lowers your self esteem, and destroys your spiritual life. See if he is willing to see a counselor about it if he is still viewing it occassionally. He may get very defensive so you have to be careful not to argue with him or force the conversation. Do you feel that he loves you and the children? Do he do his best to fulfill his covenant? Here is my hunch, don’t take it to the bank, I don’t want this to rouse suspicions and cause you to start to become anxious about his viewing, but it’s likely that he still struggle with pornography. He is going to need support, and love, and some kind of outside aid. I hope this helps some.
 
I’d also like to recommend some non-catholic books on marriage.

His Needs Her Needs

The Five Love Languages

Anything Gary Smalley, he has some video for purchase as well, the Hidden Keys To Loving Relationships

I don’t know if Catholics are comfortable with non-catholic material but these men have helped thousands of marriages stay strong, and mended many that were weak. I read this link yesterday and it was helpful blackchristiannews.com/news/2009/07/when-you-think-your-christian-marriage-is-over-things-were-so-bad-even-my-christian-counselor-was-su.html. Good testimony. Don’t give in! I was seriously considering giving up everything. I was a preacher in the church of Christ and become disenchanted more and more with the my church. I start studying church history, Orthodoxy and Catholicism, and almost lost my faith in the process. I was trying to quit porn but still had my slip ups, and almost gave up on Christ and wanted to live wreckleslly. Thankful, I am bouncing back to my senses, and am reexamining the Catholic faith. There is always hope. Pray the rosary (can’t believe I’m actually saying this, ha), be sure to be respectful and submissive (not door mat, or slave, but accepting his decisions, even if you think they are bad ideas and taking it to God in prayer). Shalom.
 
He told me today that he is filing for divorce on Thursday! No discussion, no separation anything! He knows how much it will cost to do it ourselves and said he’s moving out Thursday. I didn’t think it would happen this quick. There’s not much I can do to contest the actual divorce. He said he will give me everything I want (minus staying married to him of course). He left to go tell his mom and he suggested that I tell my parents. I have to tell them tomorrow and I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I am so heartbroken right now. My world is crumbling and I don’t know how I am going to go on.

Jessica
 
I’m so sorry. You will go on. You have your daughter to think about. God is there for you. We are here for you as well. (((((((hugs))))))

I will continue to pray for you. My thoughts, prayers and tears are with you.
 
Oh my gosh. I will be praying for you. I hope he doesn’t do it, but please don’t give up even if he says he’s filing. You don’t have to accept it. I know lots of people will say it’s over now, but the Divorce Busters say they have helped people who were already divorced get back together. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. God bless you, it’s terrible but God will see you through this no matter what happens.
 
I am sorry. Please get an attorney, check finances etc. DO NOT GO ALONG TO GET ALONG. I know of woman who lost primary custody b/c she “went along.” READ everything, sign NOTHING without legal advice.

Check computer, phones etc. if he’s having an affair you need to know.

Please ask friends/family for support. You have my prayers.
 
bonvivantHermit said:
I am sorry. Please get an attorney, check finances etc. DO NOT GO ALONG TO GET ALONG. I know of woman who lost primary custody b/c she “went along.” READ everything, sign NOTHING without legal advice.

Check computer, phones etc. if he’s having an affair you need to know.

Please ask friends/family for support. You have my prayers.
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I agree with this advice. If he is determined to go through with this, you do need legal advice ASAP.
 
Thank you everyone for your support. He plans on filing without a lawyer. He’s getting the paperwork on Thursday and wants me to go through the packet with him so we get everything right.

I know everything about all of our finances, considering I handle them.

He wants joint custody just so he has full rights to our daughter too. But he wants me to have her full-time. We’ve talked about child support.

I don’t know how to handle this without it seeming like I am going along with it. There is nothing I can do to stop it now. You can’t contest a divorce in Indiana, unless you are contesting a certain thing like support or visitation. I wouldn’t contest any of that.

Please pray for us. He’s moving in with his parents on Thursday until I figure out what I am doing.

Jessica
 
mccartyj said:
Thank you everyone for your support. He plans on filing without a lawyer. He’s getting the paperwork on Thursday and wants me to go through the packet with him so we get everything right.

I know everything about all of our finances, considering I handle them.

He wants joint custody just so he has full rights to our daughter too. But he wants me to have her full-time. We’ve talked about child support.

I don’t know how to handle this without it seeming like I am going along with it. There is nothing I can do to stop it now. You can’t contest a divorce in Indiana, unless you are contesting a certain thing like support or visitation. I wouldn’t contest any of that.

Please pray for us. He’s moving in with his parents on Thursday until I figure out what I am doing.

Jessica
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I don’t think you can do self-filing if there are children. If a custody agreement is necessary, I believe that lawyers have to be involved, for the child’s sake. Please check on the laws in your state. Please be cautious about signing the papers unless you are sure they are right. And make sure the child support is put into writing and is done legally and correctly. Not to say he still might not pay, but at least you would have a legal leg to stand on in that event.
 
mccartyj said:
Thank you everyone for your support. He plans on filing without a lawyer. He’s getting the paperwork on Thursday and wants me to go through the packet with him so we get everything right.

I know everything about all of our finances, considering I handle them.

He wants joint custody just so he has full rights to our daughter too. But he wants me to have her full-time. We’ve talked about child support.

I don’t know how to handle this without it seeming like I am going along with it. There is nothing I can do to stop it now. You can’t contest a divorce in Indiana, unless you are contesting a certain thing like support or visitation. I wouldn’t contest any of that.

Please pray for us. He’s moving in with his parents on Thursday until I figure out what I am doing.

Jessica
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Jessica, I am so sorry you’ve faced this. For your sake and, more importantly, you’re child’s sake, it is imperative that you retain the best family law attorney you can afford.

I’m going to be brutally honest here only because I’ve seen custody and child support from ground zero and can testify that if not handled professionally it can make your life a living hell. You’re not a family law attorney, so you don’t know what you’re doing. The fact that you claim to know everything about your finances tells me that. I’m not disputing the fact that you handle your family’s finances, but family finances are seen through a completely different lens when it comes to child support and custody in family court, and you know nothing about that.

it doesn’t matter if your husband retains and attorney, not one whit. But you owe it to your child and to yourself to do so. If you choose not to, I can pretty much guarantee that you and your child will get hosed financially and emotionally and that your separation and divorce with be needlessly protracted and complicated.

If your tooth ached, you would not attempt DIY dentistry. If you found a lump in your breast you would not attempt DIY biopsies. If you got audited, you would not attempt DIY accounting with the IRS. Why? Because it’s dangerous, and the chances are really good you’d hurt yourself. For this reason, please don’t attempt a DIY divorce.

Luna
 
Please, please, please take Luna’s advice. When in doubt reread her post. I know this is painful enough without bringing in an attorney. If he doesn’t want one, that’s his choice. You and your daughter need one to look out for the best interest of both of you.

I have seen divorces that started out friendly b/c both parties wanted one and were divorcing on good terms turn very nasty very quickly. Your’s is far from that. A no fault DIY divorce only works if there aren’t any children or property to settle.

I’m still praying for you.
 
I will be praying for you.

Please do follow the advice of using a good attorney. Things can get very messy in a hurry and it sounds like he is wanting to “get it over with” asap and divorce is not a
simple thing, period.
 
He’s asking for a divorce- I don’t think you owe him any help.

Get an attorney-men often want the arrangement you described b/c that MEANS no support.
He has her 1/2 time so pays half,** you pay other half without his help.**

There are so many issues with custody- do not trust a man who is abandoning you.

WAKE UP

You will pay more in heartache and suffering and $$ if you do not get an attorney.

This is your chid’s life- don’t let him mess it up.
 
bonvivantHermit said:
He’s asking for a divorce- I don’t think you owe him any help.

Get an attorney-men often want the arrangement you described b/c that MEANS no support.
He has her 1/2 time so pays half,** you pay other half without his help.**

There are so many issues with custody- do not trust a man who is abandoning you.

WAKE UP

You will pay more in heartache and suffering and $$ if you do not get an attorney.

This is your chid’s life- don’t let him mess it up.
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Well, men often want their children half time because they deeply love them and it has nothing to do with money.

I have my two minor children living with me full time. Yet I still pay my ex child support so she can go shopping with them, do activities with them.

To the OP, I am deeply sorry for what you are going through. It is a very hard time and I hope you reconcile for your family’s sake. But please, where the children are concerned do your best to keep a clear head and act in their best interest. Get a counselor as a neutral advisor to you about them. Regardless of what happens between you and your husband, to them he will always be Daddy. However flawed they may come to see him, they will want a relationship with him. When we see our spouse as flawed or hurtful, it is easy to convince ourselves that we need to ‘protect’ our kids from them. But they will need a relationship with him unless he’s truly a danger to them, they will want and need to feel their father loves them. They may blame you down the road if they have a bad relationship and think is because of efforts you took to keep them from him.

You are in my prayers.
 
styrgwillidar said:
Well, men often want their children half time because they deeply love them and it has nothing to do with money.

I have my two minor children living with me full time. Yet I still pay my ex child support so she can go shopping with them, do activities with them.

To the OP, I am deeply sorry for what you are going through. It is a very hard time and I hope you reconcile for your family’s sake. But please, where the children are concerned do your best to keep a clear head and act in their best interest. Get a counselor as a neutral advisor to you about them. Regardless of what happens between you and your husband, to them he will always be Daddy. However flawed they may come to see him, they will want a relationship with him. When we see our spouse as flawed or hurtful, it is easy to convince ourselves that we need to ‘protect’ our kids from them. But they will need a relationship with him unless he’s truly a danger to them, they will want and need to feel their father loves them. They may blame you down the road if they have a bad relationship and think is because of efforts you took to keep them from him.

You are in my prayers.
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Thank you! My husband is a good man and he is a good father, he is just a very confused man right now. I know he loves our daughter and he will always be her daddy. I am trying my very best and I won’t let us people tear him down. I think he is making a big mistake but I don’t hate him (that’s the problem!) and I know we both want what we think is best for our daughter. Unfortunately, we don’t agree on that.

He will be paying me child support. He just wants joint custody so he has full rights. I will have her most of the time, he works too much to have her often.

I will look into getting an attorney but I have no money. I don’t work.

Thank you for everyone’s advice and prayers.

Jessica
 
Jessica my heart goes out to you I am so sorry for what you are going through.
You are being so brave (((HUGS))) for you.

What a painful situation to be in.

I offer no advice, other than if you can, try to be as amicable as you can regarding your husband seeing your daughter.Even if you are very angry or hurt or he treats you terribly children need to know they are loved by both parents.In years to come your daughter will love you so much for this and your husband will respect you so much too.I know this will be very hard at times.Who knows what the future holds,only God.
Pray for strength and guidance from God to help you through these very difficult times.

May God bless you and grant you strength and comfort.

Memorare (Prayer to Our Lady)
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy, hear and answer me. Amen
 
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