Did anybody ever view children (before they had them) as inconvenient/unwanted?

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kage_ar said:
It is related because our POV can cange from one of seeing God’s way as mean and inconvenient.
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I don’t see God’s way as mean and inconvenient. I’m still confused on how it is related?
 
When I was in my early 20’s, I swore I’d never have children. I wasn’t married, I was career-minded. I met my DH and my feelings didn’t change automatically. As a matter of fact, we were on ABC for the first year of our marriage. Then, after we’d been married about 14 months, I had the longing to have a baby. I have no idea what put the idea in my heart (probably God, duh…but I remember feeling really confused that I wanted a baby).

My DH was confused too…he said, “But…we weren’t going to have any children…” Anyway, he was ok with it (me getting off ABC) and see what happened. Well, we conceived the following cycle.

After having our first…we learned NFP…which was great because it helped us communicate much more openly about the state of our family and our future.

DH thought she’d be our only one…but I am very close to my siblings and I teared up at the thought of her being an only (and I’m not saying it’s bad to be an only child…it just wasn’t what I wanted for my daughter)…

Now we are waiting for #4 to be born and very excited about it. Becoming parents is probably the single most wonderful thing DH and I (and God, of course) did! We can’t imagine life without.

Now, do we long for the days when we could “get up and go” and travel, or just do things together on any ol’ whim? Sure! Do I realize that parts of my career are put on hold or I may never attain due to becoming a mother? You bet! But, we also realize that this time of raising our children is really … in the big picture … a very short time of our lifespan and we will live more of our lives with them grown and on their own than we will raising them. Additionally, I see my children as part of my path to God…and I see that path to God being so much different paved with my DH and children than without.

I don’t know if this will help you. I don’t know if I ever saw having kids as an inconvenience before I got married and had them. I think I just saw kids in general as something I would never do. But then I changed my mind.

God bless.
 
Carjack,

I think you need some psychological help. You sound very frustrated. I am not going to harp on you about your rude comments by minimizing my child birth experiences as breeding. I want to say that I love all 10 of my little blessings. My life is hard and I struggle financiallly, but to my husband and myself it is worth it. So when we love our children the way we do and we hear someone describing them as inconvenient, it angers us mothers. I will attribute your comments as ignorance because you do not have children. I agree with kage_ar that you sound angry and bitter. You shouldn’t, you are a newly wed, so cheer up.

Did you know about the CC stand on birth control and children? Another question I have is how did your mom view you? I am sure you didn’t come up with these Ideas on your own.
 
3GirlsRUs said:
When I was in my early 20’s, I swore I’d never have children. I wasn’t married, I was career-minded. I met my DH and my feelings didn’t change automatically. As a matter of fact, we were on ABC for the first year of our marriage. Then, after we’d been married about 14 months, I had the longing to have a baby. I have no idea what put the idea in my heart (probably God, duh…but I remember feeling really confused that I wanted a baby).

My DH was confused too…he said, “But…we weren’t going to have any children…” Anyway, he was ok with it (me getting off ABC) and see what happened. Well, we conceived the following cycle.

After having our first…we learned NFP…which was great because it helped us communicate much more openly about the state of our family and our future.

DH thought she’d be our only one…but I am very close to my siblings and I teared up at the thought of her being an only (and I’m not saying it’s bad to be an only child…it just wasn’t what I wanted for my daughter)…

Now we are waiting for #4 to be born and very excited about it. Becoming parents is probably the single most wonderful thing DH and I (and God, of course) did! We can’t imagine life without.

Now, do we long for the days when we could “get up and go” and travel, or just do things together on any ol’ whim? Sure! Do I realize that parts of my career are put on hold or I may never attain due to becoming a mother? You bet! Me and my husband live paycheck to paycheck, I can’t imagine adding a small one to our family. We don’t have the luxurious life at all. We have basic cable. no box or pay channels. The computer I use belongs to my job or my mother(when I am taking care of her(fibromyalgia) and my dad(MS) The car is my biggest payment and the gas is going up But, we also realize that this time of raising our children is really … in the big picture … a very short time of our lifespan and we will live more of our lives with them grown and on their own than we will raising them. Additionally, I see my children as part of my path to God…and I see that path to God being so much different paved with my DH and children than without.That is a nice view of children, I wish I could think like you

I don’t know if this will help you. I don’t know if I ever saw having kids as an inconvenience before I got married and had them. I think I just saw kids in general as something I would never do. But then I changed my mind.

God bless.
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Thank you
 
RitaPR said:
Carjack,

I think you need some psychological help.Are you an expert? You sound very frustrated. I am not going to harp on you about your rude comments by minimizing my child birth experiences as breedingAgain sorry. What does everybody want my blood?. I want to say that I love all 10:eek: of my little blessings. My life is hard and I struggle financiallly, but to my husband and myself it is worth it. So when we love our children the way we do and we hear someone describing them as inconvenient, it angers us mothers. I will attribute your comments as ignorance because you do not have children.How kind of you to say I am ignorant I agree with kage_ar that you sound angry and bitter. You shouldn’t, you are a newly wed, so cheer up. It is sort of hard to when everyone is saying that the purpose of my marriage is to create babies.

Did you know about the CC stand on birth control and children?I am learning that now Another question I have is how did your mom view you?My mother basically said that I was a suprise because she was on the pill while taking anti-biotics. Then she married my dad 6 years later and had my twin sisters. I remember her saying that motherhood is not a pretty picture and that it is highly overated. That it is not as beautiful as everyone makes it. That it is really hard work and for me not to have kids because the other 2 are so selfish and she didn’t raise them that way. (I think she was stressed out from raising 3 daughters and having a husband with MS and being the primary breadwinner, This transition happened when my sisters were in their rebellious years) She said that she loved us, but I should be prepared when I have children. She said that she didn’t get to do all the things that she wanted to do, because we came first and that was her priority I am sure you didn’t come up with these Ideas on your own.
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I am not the only person who feels the way I do. Also you were extremely rude by implying that I am crazy and ignorant. Not to sound rude to you, but if you didn’t have so many kids, maybe you wouldn’t be financially strapped. Stop treating you body like a baby machine:rolleyes: .
 
Carjack1 said:
I am not the only person who feels the way I do. Also you were extremely rude by implying that I am crazy and ignorant. Not to sound rude to you, but if you didn’t have so many kids, maybe you wouldn’t be financially strapped. Stop treating you body like a baby machine:rolleyes: .
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:mad: :eek: :nope: :crying:
 
Carjack1 said:
I am not the only person who feels the way I do. Also you were extremely rude by implying that I am crazy and ignorant. Not to sound rude to you, but if you didn’t have so many kids, maybe you wouldn’t be financially strapped. Stop treating you body like a baby machine:rolleyes: .
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My body was meant to give birth to babies. So was yours and other women. Too bad that most of your American society doesn’t feel that way. Maybe if you would stop fighting God and let him take over your life, you wouldn’t be so angry. As far as your mother is concerned, she should have NEVER told you that motherhood was horrible. My babies are all worth my struggles, maybe you should tell me the amount I should have had. Then again I don’t need to know that because GOD BLESSED ME WITH MY CHILDREN. I went HIS plans, not my plans or my husband’s. His plans will always override our plans. The sooner you learn that the better!:rolleyes:
 
Carjack1 said:
I am not the only person who feels the way I do. Also you were extremely rude by implying that I am crazy and ignorant. Not to sound rude to you, but if you didn’t have so many kids, maybe you wouldn’t be financially strapped. Stop treating you body like a baby machine:rolleyes: .
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Gosh, Carjack1, you were doing so well in trying to understand…until this!

After your explanation to RitaPR, I can see why and where you got the notion that children are a burden based on what your mother’s experiences are. And in a sense, you’ve taken on those same burdens, too, with caring for your parents. You may want to ponder on this more, maybe with the help of a third party or professional and see if you can take your notion about having children and turn it into a more positive, fruitful outlook.

Look beyond the offenses done on this board on both sides and try to see the whole picture of what we’re trying to convey to you in regards to children and Catholic teaching. There is great beauty and truth on the Church’s stance of procreation. Our earthly experiences here at times can cloud that teaching, but we need to strive to look beyond our experiences and see the Truth coming forth from God’s will for us.

I’ll be praying for you! God Bless!
 
Carjack, I’m praying for you. Don’t feel pressured to have children.

But will you please stop referring to women on this board as baby machines and breeders? It really hurts their feelings, especially since their children are very much wanted and they do everything for them. Also, I know quite a few of these same women have lost children through miscarriage, stillbirth, and childhood deaths. Even as they love their living children, it’s extremely painful, because their deceased are still very much loved. Same with women who struggle with infertility. They would give so much to have a few little ones.

We know you’re struggling with God, the Church, etc. It’s completely valid. But don’t insult these women who also struggle with that and who really love being moms. A lot of them have struggled with these same teachings and still do. At the same time, they can’t imagine life without their kids. And they’re more than just “baby machines”:mad:. They have a lot more dignity than that.
 
RitaPR said:
My body was meant to give birth to babies. So was yours and other women. Too bad that most of your American society doesn’t feel that way. Maybe if you would stop fighting God and let him take over your life, you wouldn’t be so angry. As far as your mother is concerned, she should have NEVER told you that motherhood was horrible. My babies are all worth my struggles, maybe you should tell me the amount I should have had. Then again I don’t need to know that because GOD BLESSED ME WITH MY CHILDREN. I went HIS plans, not my plans or my husband’s. His plans will always override our plans. The sooner you learn that the better!:rolleyes:
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Whatever you do, do not come to the US. I am of PR descent myself and my mother said that you are the types that make us look bad. She said because people view people like you who make lots of babies, as multiplying like roaches and going on welfare because they end up not supporting their kids but going on our welfare systems here. Just because your body CAN make many babies doesn’t mean, that it SHOULD make the most babies that it can. Plan a little. I am so sick of people like you contributing to the stereotypes that I have to constantly fight. That is also one of the reasons I will limit my family size because of the likes of you
 
sanctamaria17 said:
Carjack, I’m praying for you. Don’t feel pressured to have children.

But will you please stop referring to women on this board as baby machines and breeders?Fine It really hurts their feelings, especially since their children are very much wanted and they do everything for them. Also, I know quite a few of these same women have lost children through miscarriage, stillbirth, and childhood deaths.I am not trying to be insensitive Even as they love their living children, it’s extremely painful, because their deceased are still very much loved. Same with women who struggle with infertility. They would give so much to have a few little ones.I never looked at it that way

We know you’re struggling with God, the Church, etc. It’s completely valid. But don’t insult these women who also struggle with that and who really love being moms. A lot of them have struggled with these same teachings and still do. At the same time, they can’t imagine life without their kids. And they’re more than just “baby machines”:mad:. They have a lot more dignity than that.
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I understand the dignity about having the children and loving them and all that mushy stuff. I get it. What about the dignity that I don’t get for choosing not to procreate? There is a two way street to this.
 
That was rude and uncalled for. She WANTS these babies and it doesn’t mean she goes on welfare or anything like that. Her family plans are absolutely NONE of your business

I’m of Italian and Spanish descent myself, and I’m Catholic. You don’t think I’ve had to fight stereotypes? Even my non-Italian relatives use slurs and stuff and it does shock and surprise me, because it hurts. And yeah, not too long ago, they were saying the same thing about Italians. One of my relatives even said that she didn’t like the names I like for future kids (because I do daydream about it) because they were “G****” names:eek: (if anyone’s Italian, you can guess which slur was used). She stopped when she saw how hurt I was (she’s not Italian, but my dad is and her husband is). One of my friends is PR and the fourth of five and you know what? She’s in college and her dad’s a doctor from an Ivy League school, while her mom works as a swim coach. They’re not on welfare at all.

Just because YOU don’t want children doesn’t give you the right to tell other women how to plan families. And I’m surprised that you’d say things about people of your culture! Maybe it’s an Italian thing, but I was told that we’re all “paisan” (countrymen or neighbors) and we should stick together.

This is in reply to your post to Rita.
 
sanctamaria17 said:
That was rude and uncalled for. She WANTS these babies and it doesn’t mean she goes on welfare or anything like that. Her family plans are absolutely NONE of your business. No but they are the CC’s business

I’m of Italian and Spanish descent myself, and I’m Catholic. You don’t think I’ve had to fight stereotypes? Even my non-Italian relatives use slurs and stuff and it does shock and surprise me, because it hurts. And yeah, not too long ago, they were saying the same thing about Italians. One of my relatives even said that she didn’t like the names I like for future kids (because I do daydream about it) because they were “G****” names:eek: (if anyone’s Italian, you can guess which slur was used). She stopped when she saw how hurt I was (she’s not Italian, but my dad is and her husband is). One of my friends is PR and the fourth of five and you know what? She’s in college and her dad’s a doctor from an Ivy League school, while her mom works as a swim coach. They’re not on welfare at all. :clapping:

Just because YOU don’t want children doesn’t give you the right to tell other women how to plan families. I wasn’t telling her how to plan families. She was looking down her nose at me by calling me ignorant. And I’m surprised that you’d say things about people of your culture!I didn’t say that, people have told me that and I am tired of others who play unto their stereotype Maybe it’s an Italian thing, but I was told that we’re all “paisan” (countrymen or neighbors) and we should stick together.
I am not sticking to that stereotype, if it is not me
This is in reply to your post to Rita.
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She also insulted the American Culture, but she get no flack for that!?
 
sanctamaria17 said:
That was rude and uncalled for. She WANTS these babies and it doesn’t mean she goes on welfare or anything like that. Her family plans are absolutely NONE of your business

I’m of Italian and Spanish descent myself, and I’m Catholic. You don’t think I’ve had to fight stereotypes? Even my non-Italian relatives use slurs and stuff and it does shock and surprise me, because it hurts. And yeah, not too long ago, they were saying the same thing about Italians. One of my relatives even said that she didn’t like the names I like for future kids (because I do daydream about it) because they were “G****” names:eek: (if anyone’s Italian, you can guess which slur was used). She stopped when she saw how hurt I was (she’s not Italian, but my dad is and her husband is). One of my friends is PR and the fourth of five and you know what? She’s in college and her dad’s a doctor from an Ivy League school, while her mom works as a swim coach. They’re not on welfare at all.

Just because YOU don’t want children doesn’t give you the right to tell other women how to plan families. And I’m surprised that you’d say things about people of your culture! Maybe it’s an Italian thing, but I was told that we’re all “paisan” (countrymen or neighbors) and we should stick together.

This is in reply to your post to Rita.
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Based on reading your post. It would appear that she said that because I am PR, I have a lot of kids and I am on welfare. Well, those are stereotypes.

Carjack,

I don’t care about the stereotypes. i do not care about what others think. neither should you. I understand you are frustrated, but get rid of it, because you are saying some really ugly things.
 
Carjack1 said:
My mother basically said that I was a suprise because she was on the pill while taking anti-biotics. Then she married my dad 6 years later and had my twin sisters. I remember her saying that motherhood is not a pretty picture and that it is highly overated. That it is not as beautiful as everyone makes it. That it is really hard work and for me not to have kids because the other 2 are so selfish and she didn’t raise them that way. (I think she was stressed out from raising 3 daughters and having a husband with MS and being the primary breadwinner, This transition happened when my sisters were in their rebellious years) She said that she loved us, but I should be prepared when I have children. She said that she didn’t get to do all the things that she wanted to do, because we came first and that was her priority
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:console:
How sad. I think it is terrible when parents tell children that they were unwanted surprises. They may say the love them, but the overall message doesn’t seem to convey that. I really believe that contraception is a multi-generational sin that “gives birth” to other sins, such as abortion and other misuses of human sexuality.

I also find it ironic that you wrote on another thread that the birth control pill is an effective means of preventing pregnancy when it didn’t stop you from existing. God wanted you even if your mother and father didn’t. He loves you. You are His child. You were planned by Him from all eternity.
 
gardenswithkids said:
:console:
How sad. I think it is terrible when parents tell children that they were unwanted surprisesShe didn’t say I was unwanted, she said I was a surprise. They may say the love them, but the overall message doesn’t seem to convey that. I really believe that contraception is a multi-generational sin that “gives birth” to other sins, such as abortion and other misuses of human sexuality. Please don’t judge my mother, I really do believe that she loves me.

I also find it ironic that you wrote on another thread that the birth control pill is an effective means of preventing pregnancy when it didn’t stop you from existing.It didn’t stop me because she was using anti-biotics. Which was something that wasn’t known at the time God wanted you even if your mother and father didn’t. He loves you. You are His child. You were planned by Him from all eternity.
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Thank you for this last sentence
 
Carjack1 said:
She also insulted the American Culture, but she get no flack for that!?
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I didn’t see her insulting American culture. But I also think that American isn’t simply one culture, but the adaptations of many, so I guess I wasn’t paying attention. Mea culpa:)

And many different kinds of people have a lot of kids, people of Anglo-Saxon descent, people of German descent, Italian, Polish, Puerto Rican, Korean, Colombian, Filipino, Sudanese, Japanese, French, w/e. Doesn’t mean they’re conforming to anyone stereotype. Just means that they have a lot or few kids and they happen to be of a certain ethnicity.

I’m sorry you’re struggling so much.I can’t imagine how much that hurts to hear your own mother say that about her kids:( I’ve already decided that even if I’m trying to avoid a pregnancy for whatever reason, I will welcome any and all that God chooses to send me. I’ve seen so many kids suffer because of their parents attitudes about that. One of my friends had to hear her own father say that when her mother was pregnant with her, he asked her mom to have an abortion:eek:. As a result, she has a hard time referring to God as Father, because of her father:( I’ll keep praying for you.

No, her family plans aren’t the business of the CC. The CC just asks that you be open to life and not just in your body, but your heart. They don’t care how many kids you have or if you have any at all, just that you’re open to them and to God’s plans for you, whether they involve kids or not.

You don’t have to stick to a stereotype or follow cultural norms or w/e. But it does shock me that someone would yell at someone else of their own culture for things they choose to do that may seem stereotypical. I guess it’s because in mine, we’re told that we have to stick together and not allow people to say ugly things to us about ethnicity or culture, regardless of whether we are conforming to stereotypes or not.
 
I am just going to have to accept that motherhood is a part of my calling and live the way the CC wants me to live without resenting it. Once I am ready to start I will get off the pill. If I could find a alternative to treating my condition that works for me I will. I think in my frustration, I may have said some ugly things and for that I am sorry:hug3: If my husband doesn’t agree to touch me as a result, then I have to live with that for the rest of my marriage:(

Thank you to everyone who has been patient with me.
 
:hug3: I’ll be praying for your hubby’s attitude towards this:)

It may take you awhile to get to that point and I’m sorry for not being as understanding. You can be assured that quite a few of us are praying for you.
 
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