Whenever I hear stories about people praying for a spouse they never did as many prayers for it as I have done and still it is a disaster for me. I almost gave up this summer bc of what a joke it was and how I was getting treated, and how dysfunctional I am and they were a lot due to issues I’m healing from. Just when I had given up on marriage, I got an extremely clear message from the Lord on the feast of Anne and Joachim, when I wasn’t even asking for guidance, that I’m called to marriage and not celibacy and I should accept this. Fast forward a few weeks and a totally dysfunctional relationship w my friend whose company I enjoy more than anyone but who has very poor behavior (is the worlds biggest flake which I cannot abide I have severe abandonment issues…he just avoids people for weeks and goes to the woods…flakes on everyone
?) …anyway that relationship has grown more close and more excruciatingly painful. He gets to the center of me so all my past pain comes up. Not only is he this guy that just detaches from everything and avoids commitment but we met in a highly strange crisis situation and I was also infatuated with someone we both were close to and he was the “friend” that wasn’t even on my radar and he got hurt and is still hurt from that. I feel like he is still mad at me for that and like taking out his pain on me.
Why does this matter? Only because since Tuesday I have been hearing a quiet but persistent voice repeatedly telling me he is my husband. Apparently our friend I used to be infatuated with thought the whole time that he(the guy I like now) and I would end up together. Anotther guy I crushed on also commented on it after seeing our photo together and other people comment too.
I prayed over and over that if the voice is not from God, if my my own head or a demon, that it would shut up and go away. It won’t go away. I told my spiritual director and he just wants me to pray to abandon myself to God’s will and also ask Padre Pio. I asked God to remove the voice if it’s not from Him and remove my desire for marriage if not from Him and it won’t go away. I am not going to base my life on a voice but you can see why I’m annoyed. He also has said some weird hints about getting something similar and basically implies he’s just going to swim upstream and fight it as long as possible bc he doesn’t think he’s good enough for me. Aghhhhh.
I am so incredibly upset right now. Like yesterday he said would see me at this thing our friends do and then he didnt come. I was in this insane agony and cried all day my body was racked with pain. I am aware this is mostly a trigger from the past and 85% not his fault, and it gave me another healing breakthrough but how am i supposed to tolerate this situation Please pray that my situation works out. I’m doing the St. Anne novena right now. This person brings up every pain I have ever suffered. It actually heals the pain, too, which is good, but this is insane.
I have read enough psych books and seen enough therapists to get a phd but that doesn’t fix me. I am afraid I am going to have a call that I miss bc he won’t commit or that I will get married and it will be like this. Yet why do I want it still? For the record when he and i are together it is pure joy for both of us and attraction. The problem is him leaving.
I told the Lord whatever he wants I am willing. Even if the guy isn’t willing I am willing and abandon myself to his will. I have heard every advice in the book. Pls pray for me.