Did my wife want me or what was in 50 Shades Of Grey?

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My wife recently read the 50 Shades Of Grey books. We normally have sex about 1 or 2 times a month. We are both 33, and love each other it just does not happen that often. While she was reading these books we were having sex 4 or 5 times a week. Now that she finished the series, we have not had sex in about 2 weeks. I feel that it was not me that she wanted, but rather what ever was in the story. I told her I felt that what she wanted was what was in the book, and not me. My wife is a great mom and wife, but I feel that all that sex was because of something else and not me. Thoughts?
 
Did you ask her? I’ve heard the books were pretty explicit. Could be they just made her libido kick up a bit while reading it. I don’t know if its sinful to read the books or not, and, though that wasn’t your question it may matter to your answer. Better to allow those feelings proper expression with her husband than to allow those feelings to take her elsewhere.

Not having read the books may put me at a disadvantage in answering, but I suggest asking her. Maybe ask her what was it that caused the change and how can you achieve that?
 
It just hit me!

When I saw Bram Stoker’s Dracula, I thought the actor Gary Oldham was so handsome. At the same time, I knew he was not at all to my liking in looks, or in the character Dracula. So what was it? It was the way he looked at Mina, like there was no one else in the world.

There is something in the books that she wants from you. Find out what that is and do it, providing it is something you can do.

It is probably something like that singular focus, or maybe its a manliness, a taking charge. Maybe its pure romance. I suggest asking her about the books. Something caught her fancy. Don’t feel bad that it took a writer to do that. Its their job. But you can learn what the author discovered women like and try it.
 
As a woman, I can say that reading a bodice-ripper would make me want to make love to my husband, not to a character in the book. Does it matter what triggered her desire for sex if she wanted it with you? If I were you I’d ask her to re-read the series.😃
 
It is a fairly erotic trilogy, so that might explain why her libido was racing. I only skimmed through one of the novels, but I believe the couple has a D/s sexual relationship within the marriage. Many women are aroused by the element of dominance from their male partners. Have you asked her about it?
 
Old saying, it doesn’t matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home.
 
Probably the fantasy, sadly enough.

😦

I imagine lots of men are going through what you are. Only lots of wives are also fantasizing and masturbating and maybe even trying some of the deviant sexual acts in the book. What a great legacy for a writer…[/sarcasm]
 
…as long as s/he eats at home? the Gospel message is this: lust in your heart is already a sin.

The “old saying” and the Gospel message are in direct opposition to each other.

As for 50 Shades, it’s porn. A nd apparently quite powerful. A most notabe anecdote : a younger brother of a friend of mine ( he’s in his 20s) is very promiscuous. Because my friend commented to his post on facebook, his original post came on my page. He wrote, " since ive been reading 50 Shades, im like a machine. So are the women. I havent stopped *%@# ing since i opened the book. Bring on a Thousand Shades!!!))"

Custody of the eyes. Avoiding the occasion of sin. Forming one’s conscience. A lot of Catholics dont even know what this means anymore.
 
😦 Monica, how sad.

I’ve been reading a bit about this book. Apparently Dr. Drew Pinsky (who is a psychiatrist) says that this book is very dangerous, especially to young inexperienced women. He called the book a “rape fantasy”

Here I found a quote:
WASHINGTON - A popular novel that has gained national attention is a “horribly written” story about a pathological, abusive relationship that in no way resembles a healthy love life, according to an expert.
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“Why women would pick this up as any sort of substitute for intimacy or any sort of model for a reasonable relationship, I find just sort of disturbing,” says Dr. Drew Pinksy, a relationship expert, about E. L. James’ “50 Shades of Grey.” "Maybe I have no business commenting on how women massage their fantasy life. Indeed I don’t. But as I look at this as a clinician, the idea that women look at this relationship as anything other than absolute, categorical, profound pathology is more than I can imagine
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I can’t emphasize enough the disturbing quality of this," Pinsky says. “This is a woman who is naïve to these issues, and then is manipulated and exploited by a man who has a severe personality disorder and a sex addiction who is violent with her, it is just too much to be understood.”
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😦

I don’t know much about Drew Pinsky at all — but it’s interesting to see a secular review of the book, and how it is a negative review.
 
Well said monicatholic.

Many people doesn’t realize about the sinfulness of reading material like that.

Blessings!

🙂
 
Mary_Gail_36 said:
😦 Monica, how sad.

I’ve been reading a bit about this book. Apparently Dr. Drew Pinsky (who is a psychiatrist) says that this book is very dangerous, especially to young inexperienced women. He called the book a “rape fantasy”

Here I found a quote:

😦

I don’t know much about Drew Pinsky at all — but it’s interesting to see a secular review of the book, and how it is a negative review.
Click to expand...
Dr. Drew Pinsky hosted a relationship advice call-in show on MTV in the 90’s called “Loveline,” which dealt extensively with sexual issues (he has since gone on to a more mainstream, less edgy show of his own). I haven’t read any of the book, but I’ve seen a lot of discussion about it on these forums, and if Dr. Drew is disturbed by it, that says ALOT. Dr. Pinsky is not squeamish and is very sexually liberal.

Given his typically easy-going attitude towards sex, I would take his concerns quite seriously. My personal fear is that this is a “sign of the times” for our society, and I look to the history of Europe for my example–France in particular. I can’t help but notice a parallel between the wild popularity of this book and the case of the Marquis de Sade. To quote the “Investigating Atheism” project from the University of Cambridge:
“The fear that the aims of the radical Enlightenment culminated in moral nihilism seems for many to have been realised in the figure of the Marquis de Sade.”
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“[de Sade] derives the following teaching from these considerations: everything is allowed, from prostitution, divorce, incest, rape, and infanticide. Nothing forbids us from seeking our desires at the expense of others, and nothing is more satisfying than exercising our will to destroy and to inflict cruelty. In order to do this, we should free ourselves from feelings of remorse which are also natural but not as powerful and worthy of realisation.”
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The entire article can be read here. I highly recommend it.
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Keep in mind, of course, that de Sade’s audience wasn’t limited to some small “intellectual elite,” it was a certified cultural phenomenon, particularly among middle class women. While he wasn’t the cause of the moral collapse of France, he was certainly a herald of it. America has certainly been in a moral tailspin for some time now, but not since a certain adult film in the 70’s (whose name is oft associated with the Watergate scandal) has such a deviant work been so integrated and accepted into the mainstream culture. Could E.L. James be our de Sade? :hmmm:
 
Mary_Gail_36 said:
😦 Monica, how sad.

I’ve been reading a bit about this book. Apparently Dr. Drew Pinsky (who is a psychiatrist) says that this book is very dangerous, especially to young inexperienced women. He called the book a “rape fantasy”

Here I found a quote:

😦

I don’t know much about Drew Pinsky at all — but it’s interesting to see a secular review of the book, and how it is a negative review.
Click to expand...
Excellent info, Mary Gail. Thanks for sharing. From everything I’ve read about the books themselves, they appear to be horribly pornographic and sado-masochistic in nature. Unfortunately, they’re also luring in many women to read them which I’m sure has pleased satan to no end. Many may begin reading them not even realizing the absolute danger of all of this and then may become hooked, since that’s what porn does to chemicals in the brain (whether it’s in literature, photos, whatever).

Note to the OP: I would suggest a kind and gentle conversation with your wife about how all of this makes you feel and what you’ve learned about the books. She may not even fully realize the sinful nature of them and what they’re doing to her brain. Best to talk openly about it with her sooner rather than later - before she decides to keep reading more of the series. Prayers for both of you as you work on keeping your marriage beautiful in Our Lord’s eyes.
 
monicatholic said:
…as long as s/he eats at home? the Gospel message is this: lust in your heart is already a sin.

The “old saying” and the Gospel message are in direct opposition to each other.

As for 50 Shades, it’s porn. A nd apparently quite powerful. A most notabe anecdote : a younger brother of a friend of mine ( he’s in his 20s) is very promiscuous. Because my friend commented to his post on facebook, his original post came on my page. He wrote, " since ive been reading 50 Shades, im like a machine. So are the women. I havent stopped *%@# ing since i opened the book. Bring on a Thousand Shades!!!))"

Custody of the eyes. Avoiding the occasion of sin. Forming one’s conscience. A lot of Catholics dont even know what this means anymore.
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All so true, so sad, and so important, monicatholic. Thanks for sharing. May God bless you always.
 
I’m not going to engage in the debtate over the appropriateness or lack thereof of the books since that’s not what you asked. I have not and am not going to read them, but I know enough about the content to deposit my two cents. The books obviously kicked her libido into overdrive but that doesn’t mean she wasn’t wanting YOU. I positively REQUIRE a little mental stimulation to get in the mood for sex. I don’t read or look at anything, but do entertain a little fantasy. My fantasies are always about my husband though, just in situations that aren’t feasible in real life. I am very sexually attracted to my husband, but I just don’t get aroused from looking at any nude man nor even by touch really, it’s all mental for me. I am guessing if these books got her going, she wants you to be more aggressive and dominating in foreplay and sex.
 
littlenothing said:
It just hit me!

When I saw Bram Stoker’s Dracula, I thought the actor Gary Oldham was so handsome. At the same time, I knew he was not at all to my liking in looks, or in the character Dracula. So what was it? It was the way he looked at Mina, like there was no one else in the world.

There is something in the books that she wants from you. Find out what that is and do it, providing it is something you can do.

It is probably something like that singular focus, or maybe its a manliness, a taking charge. Maybe its pure romance. I suggest asking her about the books. Something caught her fancy. Don’t feel bad that it took a writer to do that. Its their job. But you can learn what the author discovered women like and try it.
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I haven’t read the book either, nor do I plan to; however, I’ve heard alot of what the book is about from women who have read it. It’s an erotica novel and apparently many of the sex scenes in the book are BDSM. From what I understand it’s little romance, but more about a dominant male figure demanding sex from the woman character. Needless to say, not something I would suggest the OP try. I just don’t see how that can bring unity to their marriage. (P.S. Please don’t be offended by my post, I just noticed that you mentioned you didn’t know much about it and I thought I could help. There was another thread about this earlier that I had read so that’s where I got my info from.) 👍
 
I am sorry but I would look at this as an eye opener for you.

I am not a fan of these types of books, where a 21 year old virgin happens to meet a billionaire and he falls for her and takes her places sexually, blah, blah, blah

I can see that you do not give your wife enough attention. 1 or 2 times a month at 33 is pathetic, sorry to inform you. Women need more attention that that, they need to be cherished, lusted after, given attention to, kissed etc, told how beautiful they are etc.

Have you ever thought about candles in the bedroom, rose petals on the bedsheets, making a hot bath for her, etc.

What about surprising her by buying her some nice sexy bras and matching underwear or a nice dress for her? Don’t be a square.

Anyways, not trying to judge you but if you give your wife more attention, she won’t have to resort to 50 Shades Of Grey to get “In the Mood”
 
I am always the one the pursued her for sex before she read these books. I would get turned down almost all the time. While she was reading them she was all over me, and it was great. But, now she stopped and when I try to get intimate with her I get denied. That is the reason I feel that she wanted to be with or treated like whatever happens in the books. I asked her why we went from a lot of sex a few weeks ago to none now, and if it was the book. She said it was not the book, I don’t believe her.
 
mini_me640 said:
I’m not going to engage in the debtate over the appropriateness or lack thereof of the books since that’s not what you asked. I have not and am not going to read them, but I know enough about the content to deposit my two cents. The books obviously kicked her libido into overdrive but that doesn’t mean she wasn’t wanting YOU. I positively REQUIRE a little mental stimulation to get in the mood for sex. I don’t read or look at anything, but do entertain a little fantasy. My fantasies are always about my husband though, just in situations that aren’t feasible in real life. I am very sexually attracted to my husband, but I just don’t get aroused from looking at any nude man nor even by touch really, it’s all mental for me. I am guessing if these books got her going, she wants you to be more aggressive and dominating in foreplay and sex.
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It seems to me that the actors who were in From Here to Eternity recounted that the famous beach scene was not exactly what it looked. The sight of a wave breaking over a couple madly kissing is dramatic and romantic. In practice, getting hit by a wave while you’re lying on the beach in a lip lock is a lot like getting hit by a wave at any other time, only more so: really sandy and definitely a shock, even if you knew it was coming.

I think the OP fell for her husband once the way he actually is. If she met the guy from the book, she’d probably think he was a very rich but self-important jerk who thinks the world revolves around him. If her husband uses his own imagination to show that he still thinks she’s exciting, he doesn’t take her for granted, and he still enjoys the work of romancing her, I think that would be enough. It usually take awhile longer for women to “come to a simmer”, and women generally prefer some words and some indirect actions of romance and devotion, rather than actions going directly to the marital embrace. As the joke goes, slugging a sleeping woman in the arm and saying “Are you awake?” is not foreplay, let alone romance. Most women need some romance…that is, shows of devotion, affection, and appreciation for her loveliness that do not lead directly to the bedroom.

There is some care and feeding required in a romantic relationship. Like tomatoes, you can’t grow the same thing in the same place and in the same way year after year. Try to put it on auto-pilot, and it will start to go into decline. Do what you did to catch her, OP, but keep looking for refreshed soil. That ought to help, and I think you’ll enjoy it, too. Only two things in life that money can’t buy, and that’s true love and home-grown tomatoes. --Guy Clark
 
mini_me640 said:
I’m not going to engage in the debtate over the appropriateness or lack thereof of the books since that’s not what you asked. I have not and am not going to read them, but I know enough about the content to deposit my two cents. The books obviously kicked her libido into overdrive but that doesn’t mean she wasn’t wanting YOU. I positively REQUIRE a little mental stimulation to get in the mood for sex. I don’t read or look at anything, but do entertain a little fantasy. My fantasies are always about my husband though, just in situations that aren’t feasible in real life. I am very sexually attracted to my husband, but I just don’t get aroused from looking at any nude man nor even by touch really, it’s all mental for me. I am guessing if these books got her going, she wants you to be more aggressive and dominating in foreplay and sex.
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Great, maybe he can get some bondage stuff and grind his boot into her face and see if she likes it.

:rolleyes:

Sometimes women can be so … (edited). Look, if he was loving her before, and their sexual embrace was unitive and procreative, don’t you see that trying to imitate a PORN NOVEL is going to take them into sinful territory? If my husband suddenly came home and told me, “Honey, take this whip and pretend to hit me with it, I think that is so exciting,” I would be calling a shrink immediately, and probably planning a separation because that is NOT the person I married. Something is wrong when normal, loving sex is not enough to please a person, but she gets turned on by PERVERSION.
 
I think I am a pretty good husband. I almost all the cooking and cleaning, and more than 50 percent of the child care for our 3 year old daughter. I always tell my wife how much I love her, and how pretty and sexy she is. But, I just feel not good enough after a weeks of great sex, and then nothing since the book finished.
 
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