Did my wife want me or what was in 50 Shades Of Grey?

[mini_me640]

That was a JOKE! It wasn’t mean literally! If someone truly wanted to have their hair pulled, that would be inflicting PAIN intentionally. Did you honestly think I mean that your husband should pull you by the hair into the bedroom??

I was responding to your posts, not this bondage/porn fanfiction piece of trash. If you are into bondage/discipline, count me out of your support system.

For goodness sake, I am positively NOT into BDSM and I have not and have no desire to read these stupid books! No I didn’t think you literally meant for him to drag me by my hair, it’s just that I wouldn’t think someone who would make a joke about that would be so shocked by hair pulling during sex.

I’m trying not to get graphic here. A woman’s ponytail is easily grabbed in certain intimate positions. It doesn’t need to (and for me, better not be!!! ) be pulled hard in a way that would actually cause pain, but it does play into a man’s desire to be in control and a woman’s desire to be dominated.

 

[austenbosten]

I thought Tony Randall’s character was gay?

No, he was just a very effeminate man, who had no sense of assertiveness.

mini_me640:

I agree with your point, but I think RJ was saying that it can be tough for a guy to be aggressive sexually when they fear that they are just going to be rejected again.

So what? that’s exactly the problem he’s being afraid instead of not taking charge. Assertiveness means you’re not afraid, whatever happens happens. If the man’s problem is he’s not being assertive enough to initiate relations with his wife and he does so and his wife still rejects him. Then he needs to understand the problem is not with him…it’s with his wife.

Men need to stop being afraid of failure and rejection, and thinking everything is their fault.

ShanaA1984:

I find the above far to common in the dating scene lately not to mention with all my friends who are married and simply walk all over their husbands. When I date (and hopefully marry someday) a man I want them to be just that a MAN.

I see it too common too. It’s because men do not have role models and they are told that they need to be “nice guys” and have to win affection of a woman by doing things for her. No, she should love you for who you are.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

For goodness sake, I am positively NOT into BDSM and I have not and have no desire to read these stupid books! No I didn’t think you literally meant for him to drag me by my hair, it’s just that I wouldn’t think someone who would make a joke about that would be so shocked by hair pulling during sex.

I’m trying not to get graphic here. A woman’s ponytail is easily grabbed in certain intimate positions. It doesn’t need to (and for me, better not be!!! ) be pulled hard in a way that would actually cause pain, but it does play into a man’s desire to be in control and a woman’s desire to be dominated.

It is a figure of speech to “play caveman.” Another action might be to pick the woman up and carry her to the bedroom, as if he cannot resist her charms and must make mad passionate love to her immediately. Now, that is as far as I am willing to go with the “caveman” sort of imagery. At one time in my life, it might have been fun to pretend in that way. After an event that changed my outlook, I would not see this as fun in any way. For me, sex is willing or it’s rape. And married sex is not about pain. If it is, there’s something wrong.

 

[ShanaA1984]

No, he was just a very effeminate man, who had no sense of assertiveness.

So what? that’s exactly the problem he’s being afraid instead of not taking charge. Assertiveness means you’re not afraid, whatever happens happens. If the man’s problem is he’s not being assertive enough to initiate relations with his wife and he does so and his wife still rejects him. Then he needs to understand the problem is not with him…it’s with his wife.

Men need to stop being afraid of failure and rejection, and thinking everything is their fault.

I see it too common too. It’s because men do not have role models and they are told that they need to be “nice guys” and have to win affection of a woman by doing things for her. No, she should love you for who you are.

I am sorry but just some guy “doing things” for me to earn my affection is not a way to go about things. About the only thing thats going to do is give me the impression that said guy is a doormat. Besides their are other ways to “win my affection”. Being a nice guy to being with is an awsome start.

 

[austenbosten]

I am sorry but just some guy “doing things” for me to earn my affection is not a way to go about things. About the only thing thats going to do is give me the impression that said guy is a doormat. Besides their are other ways to “win my affection”. Being a nice guy to being with is an awsome start.

Either I am misinterpreting you, or you misinterpreted me. I’m saying men shouldn’t “do things” because of exactly what you said “it gives the impression they are a doormat.”

I’m not saying be a jerk. You can be a gentleman and still be assertive. A man can either open the door for a woman because he thinks it will win “brownie points” or he can do it because he just wants to and the timing is right, and doesn’t care what she thinks, because he is his own man. The latter will always get more respect from a woman because he’s not looking at her as “oooh if I do this she’ll love me” like women are some piece of paper on a clipboard that you just check things off and she’ll love you.

[x] Open doors
[x] Say nice things
[x] Listen
[x] Hold more doors open
[x] Buy her stuff
[x] Bu her more stuff
[x] Say even more nice things
…
] Love???

 

[mini_me640]

It is a figure of speech to “play caveman.” Another action might be to pick the woman up and carry her to the bedroom, as if he cannot resist her charms and must make mad passionate love to her immediately. Now, that is as far as I am willing to go with the “caveman” sort of imagery. At one time in my life, it might have been fun to pretend in that way. After an event that changed my outlook, I would not see this as fun in any way. For me, sex is willing or it’s rape. And married sex is not about pain. If it is, there’s something wrong.

Of course it’s willing or it’s rape. I don’t think anyone is disputing that (at least I hope not).

Just because the extent of “playing caveman” that is acceptable to YOU is being carried to the bedroom, doesn’t make that the rule for everyone. I agree that inflicting actual pain as part of sexual play is not healthy. I never said otherwise. A yank on the ponytail or any number of “aggressive” actions that BOTH PARTNERS DESIRE and that are not actually painful or intended to be does not constitute S&M or perversion. It’s sexual play.

 

[mini_me640]

No, he was just a very effeminate man, who had no sense of assertiveness.

So what? that’s exactly the problem he’s being afraid instead of not taking charge. Assertiveness means you’re not afraid, whatever happens happens. If the man’s problem is he’s not being assertive enough to initiate relations with his wife and he does so and his wife still rejects him. Then he needs to understand the problem is not with him…it’s with his wife.

Men need to stop being afraid of failure and rejection, and thinking everything is their fault.

I see it too common too. It’s because men do not have role models and they are told that they need to be “nice guys” and have to win affection of a woman by doing things for her. No, she should love you for who you are.

I agree with you completely, I was just trying to clarify what it seemed RJ was saying, that men who have been rejected by their wives sexually tend to become less and less assertive as they lose confidence. Of course this is a bad thing, but it is what often happens.

 

[mini_me640]

It seems to me that the actors who were in From Here to Eternity recounted that the famous beach scene was not exactly what it looked. The sight of a wave breaking over a couple madly kissing is dramatic and romantic. In practice, getting hit by a wave while you’re lying on the beach in a lip lock is a lot like getting hit by a wave at any other time, only more so: really sandy and definitely a shock, even if you knew it was coming.

I think the OP fell for her husband once the way he actually is. If she met the guy from the book, she’d probably think he was a very rich but self-important jerk who thinks the world revolves around him. If her husband uses his own imagination to show that he still thinks she’s exciting, he doesn’t take her for granted, and he still enjoys the work of romancing her, I think that would be enough. It usually take awhile longer for women to “come to a simmer”, and women generally prefer some words and some indirect actions of romance and devotion, rather than actions going directly to the marital embrace. As the joke goes, slugging a sleeping woman in the arm and saying “Are you awake?” is not foreplay, let alone romance. Most women need some romance…that is, shows of devotion, affection, and appreciation for her loveliness that do not lead directly to the bedroom.

There is some care and feeding required in a romantic relationship. Like tomatoes, you can’t grow the same thing in the same place and in the same way year after year. Try to put it on auto-pilot, and it will start to go into decline. Do what you did to catch her, OP, but keep looking for refreshed soil. That ought to help, and I think you’ll enjoy it, too. Only two things in life that money can’t buy, and that’s true love and home-grown tomatoes. --Guy Clark

Great post as always Easterjoy!

 

[ShanaA1984]

Either I am misinterpreting you, or you misinterpreted me. I’m saying men shouldn’t “do things” because of exactly what you said “it gives the impression they are a doormat.”

I’m not saying be a jerk. You can be a gentleman and still be assertive. A man can either open the door for a woman because he thinks it will win “brownie points” or he can do it because he just wants to and the timing is right, and doesn’t care what she thinks, because he is his own man.

I believe you are misinterpreting me. I 100% agree that a man should not just do something for a women because as you said he thinks it will get him brownie points, but at the same time if I am on a date with someone holding the door open for me is just the polite thing to do

 

[bmaj]

Please back off of the sarcasm and hyperbole. I am not suggesting they (or anyone) delve into BDSM. I’m just saying if she was turned on by these books, she might be wishing he would be more aggressive in the bedroom. Maybe less gentle caressing and more hair pulling. It would be the same in reverse, if he was turned on by lace and shes usually sporting cotton pjs, it might be a good idea for her to don a lace nightgown for a change. Or if he was too rough sexually, and she was turned on by a sweet romantic approach, it might be time for some rose petals…

It’s a bit scary and sad to see anyone here suggest “less gentle caressing and more hair pulling.” I don’t think that would in any way reflect the Church’s teachings on how a sacred marriage should be. Note to OP: Please don’t try that tactic.

 

[austenbosten]

I believe you are misinterpreting me. I 100% agree that a man should not just do something for a women because as you said he thinks it will get him brownie points, but at the same time if I am on a date with someone holding the door open for me is just the polite thing to do

Oh I always thought it was better to rip the door off and hand it to the date as a gift of how strong Buka Buka is and how Buka Buka would make gooood husband cause Buka Buka strong, Buka Buka kill deer for food.

 

[PaulGH]

My wife recently read the 50 Shades Of Grey books. We normally have sex about 1 or 2 times a month. We are both 33, and love each other it just does not happen that often. While she was reading these books we were having sex 4 or 5 times a week. Now that she finished the series, we have not had sex in about 2 weeks. I feel that it was not me that she wanted, but rather what ever was in the story. I told her I felt that what she wanted was what was in the book, and not me. My wife is a great mom and wife, but I feel that all that sex was because of something else and not me. Thoughts?

Yes, I have a thought: If your wife is finished reading those books, could she mail them to my wife?

Sorry, I know that’s not helpful, but I couldn’t resist making the comment.

 

[ShanaA1984]

Oh I always thought it was better to rip the door off and hand it to the date as a gift of how strong Buka Buka is and how Buka Buka would make gooood husband cause Buka Buka strong, Buka Buka kill deer for food.

Bwahahahahahahaha

 

[Havard]

Couple questions for the OP:

1. Have you asked your wife what she’s looking for in terms of intimacy? Like what kinds, how often, etc., is her ideal?
2. Is that where you are now, at the level of intimacy she’s ideally looking for?
3. If not, have you asked her what she thinks is getting in the way of the kinds and frequency of intimacy she desires?

 

[mini_me640]

Now that I am posting from the computer rather than my phone (which is way too much work!) I can elaborate a bit more.

Everyone has some sort of sexual fantasy, an idea of what the perfect evening of passion with their spouse would be. For some, it’s rose petals and bubble baths, for others, a romp on the beach, etc. For some it’s gentleness and sweetness, for others it’s red hot wild passion. We’re all different. Of course, it is possible to cross over into “perversion”, but just because something that another person is aroused by doesn’t appeal to you, doesn’t make it perverted or wrong.

As far as women being so taken with male-dominated sex (and thus the popularity of these ridiculous books), I have a few theories. From a strictly biological standpoint, women are attracted to the alpha male: strong, confident, powerful, dominating. The male that can provide for and protect the female and their offspring. In the past, a woman truly NEEDED a man to survive physically and, more recently, economically. In the modern West, this is no longer the case from a survival standpoint. Women are often better educated than men, and are able to provide for themselves since prosperity now depends more on brain than brawn, taking away the giant male advantage of physical strength. However, biology hasn’t changed with society. Women are still physically and sexually attracted to the strong, dominating male, even if they don’t really want to be married to that kind of guy (since in real modern life, a lot (certainly not all) of dominating, strong, confident men are actually jerks). So where can women get their dose of alpha male unbridled testerone? In the bedroom.

I will use myself as an example. Like it or not, nothing turns me on like a man who is confident, strong, and in charge. This resulted in me dating a jerk or two before I met my husband. My husband had just enough of a cocky New York edge to attract me, but he is the nicest, most easygoing guy on the planet. He is everything a husband and father should be: hardworking, loyal, dependable, the whole 9. We are pretty close to equal partners in day to day life, which is a good thing. But equal partnership doesn’t really entice me to sex. But when he takes an assertive, confident approach to his advances, I MUST HAVE HIM THEN!

 

[mini_me640]

Oh I always thought it was better to rip the door off and hand it to the date as a gift of how strong Buka Buka is and how Buka Buka would make gooood husband cause Buka Buka strong, Buka Buka kill deer for food.

 

[mini_me640]

It’s a bit scary and sad to see anyone here suggest “less gentle caressing and more hair pulling.” I don’t think that would in any way reflect the Church’s teachings on how a sacred marriage should be. Note to OP: Please don’t try that tactic.

Please explain why a quick yank of the ponytail violates the sacredness of marriage. People are allowed to have a little fun in the bedroom for Pete’s sake. I’m not talking about actually inflicting pain here, I’m talking about sexual play. I’m talking about the man being a little more aggressive sexually if that’s what appeals to his wife. It doesn’t violate the sacredness of mariage any more than a woman wearing high heels to bed if that turns her husband on…

 

[mini_me640]

Couple questions for the OP:

1. Have you asked your wife what she’s looking for in terms of intimacy? Like what kinds, how often, etc., is her ideal?
2. Is that where you are now, at the level of intimacy she’s ideally looking for?
3. If not, have you asked her what she thinks is getting in the way of the kinds and frequency of intimacy she desires?

These are very good questions. I think people (including myself) often have trouble having an honest, open dialogue with their spouse about their sexual desires, often just out of embarassment or out of a feeling that there is something wrong with having sexual desires.

 

[anruari]

I’m no puritan.

Every marriage is different. but there’s some strongly worded statements in the responses above. I’d like to add another opinion.

many people are able to enjoy a wider range of concepts of foreplay than dinner, roses hoping for a massage.

There is nothing wrong with enjoying foreplay games involving elements of dominant and submissive behaviour, or use of letting your partner tie your hands to the headboard while they kiss or tickle every inch of your body - provided there is proper and unbroken trust which is never abused.

Exploring each-others fantasies together can be enriching, rewarding and very unintuitive as it requires excellent trust and communication. But such games must always be affirming to both partners and never delve into behaviours which denigrate the dignity of either person.

Delving into porn - whether it is in literary or picture form, however is not going to help you with fantasies that are achievable and can often lead towards fantasies that are degrading to one or both people.

In terms of a womans Libido, the following is true of my wife and I believe it to be common:

When a woman has had recent enjoyable sex she is likely to find her libido increased. - take advantage of this. If she has not had recent enjoyable sex may well find her libido decreased.

 

[bmaj]

In all my life I’ve never NOT felt pain when my hair was pulled (and usually quite a bit of pain) - either when it was done intentionally or accidentally. Hair pulling or yanking as prelude or part of the marital embrace seems considerably different to me than a wife wearing high heels to bed to excite her husband. Maybe times are changing in regard to how a loving marriage should be, but it sure doesn’t seem like a very good change to me.