Did something really wrong

[kage_ar]

How does the Holy Mother Church feel about apologizing to the person we wronged?

If it does not reveal the sin, then it is to be done. If by apologizing you will reveal the sin, you are not required to. You are never ever ever ever required to reveal your sin. One can make amends to an injured party without revealing the sin, by being loving and prayer.

Should I murder someone and go to Confession, I cannot be required to confess to the police.

 

[rayne89]

She is hurting her husband whether she tells him or not. I can’t believe there are people on this forum who are advising her not to tell him. That is so dishonest. If the roles were reversed and your husband cheated on you, wouldn’t you want to know?

As someone who has been on the receiving end of this information many, many years ago, my answer is I would have been better off not knowing. It was over, it was never going to happen again. Nothing good came from me knowing except now I have that information I get to carry with me all of my life. I have long since forgiven my husband, and the pain has faded away - but I would have preferred not knowing at all.

An exception would of course would be an on going affair that a spouse had no intention of ending or multiple affairs and of course if an STD has been contracted or a pregnancy occurs.

 

[Podo2005]

you have every right to feel the way you do. Adultrey is WRONG no matter how sorry you are. I feel so sorry for your innocent husband. Don’t think you should get off that easy. Feel the guilt. My husband is a cheater, adulterer and he doesnt even have the parts to feel sorry. How can you be sorry for something like this. You got drunk so what do you expect everyone here to feel sorry for you. You need to wisen up and take the consequences. Very few people felt sorry for me being on the receiving end and God did not save my marriage. Its going to Hell.

I agree with you up until the part highlighted in bold above
What kind of idiotic question is this? Do you claim to be catholic & yet not believe in the forgiveness of sins & the healing power of confession? Or do you enjoy putting others down (as if you are the only sinless person on the face of the earth)… this women posted on the forum looking for advice… how can you say “how can you be sorry for something like this” as if adultery was the unforgiveable sin!

 

[renatas]

I agree with you up until the part highlighted in bold above
What kind of idiotic question is this? Do you claim to be catholic & yet not believe in the forgiveness of sins & the healing power of confession? Or do you enjoy putting others down (as if you are the only sinless person on the face of the earth)… this women posted on the forum looking for advice… how can you say “how can you be sorry for something like this” as if adultery was the unforgiveable sin!

You are sounding a little hostile towards me. If you have a problem with what I said, you should have private messaged me. Unless you have personally been cheated on BY A SPOUSE, you have no idea, especially when there are children and grandchildren involved.

Nothing is worse knowing that “daddy has a girlfriend”.

 

[GoBison]

Unless you have personally been cheated on BY A SPOUSE, you have no idea

Yeah it sucks to be treated on by a spouse, I know. Are you going to let yourself live in this self imposed hell for the rest of your life? Renatas move past your husband, forgive what he did and is doing. Get over it. Lots of people go through the same thing every day.

The OP’s husband can determine whether or not he wants to continue to live with what his wife did. Her being sorry for it doesn’t erase what she did but it sure will help her husband in what he has to deal with.

You asking “How can you be sorry for something like this” does not help her or her marriage. It is just you taking your anger out on others. Your husband cheated. My wife cheated. Boo hoo. Life sucks right now but if you hold onto that anger you are the one that is going to keep hurting.

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

The husband needs to know. You and your husband need to take a few steps to deal with the possible consequences of what happened, and avoid the possibility of happening it again. This is a team job, and you two need to deal with it as a team.

Here are some questions:

-Who was the guy you had the affair with, Laura? Was he a total stranger or someone you knew before? Who else was present during the evening? What I’m getting at, is this: the guy may tell other people, may even brag about what happened. There may have been other witnesses who saw the two of you leaving together. People might talk about it, and it’s best if your husband hears it from you first, rather than from someone else. Then, the two of you should close ranks, circle the wagons, in case that people would gossip. It’s easier to deal with gossip if you and your husband act like a team and have no secrets in front of each other.

-STDs? I have no idea how good the tests are nowadays. You can be infected with things such as HIV, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, and be symptom-free, yet not only carry the stuff, but also infect your husband. In other words, just because you are free of symptoms, it does not mean that you didn’t catch some STD. To give a classic example, women infected with chlamydia are usually symptom-free, and they usually find out that they are carriers only after their male sexual partners get infected and show symptoms of infection. You should discuss this with your doctor, and obviously you need to get tested for STDs. Again, things are simpler if your husband knows why you need to get tested and why you should refrain from intimacy with each other until the results of the tests are in.

-Pregnancy? Is it possible you became pregnant? Do you know your status yet?

-Even if you got lucky this time, and you are not pregnant, didn’t catch any STDs, etc, you cannot repeat in the future what you did. Next time, you may get infected with HIV, become pregnant, get robbed and murdered while drunk… That’s why the two of you, I mean your husband and you, must make a plan to deal with the risk and make damn sure this never happens again. Deal with the drinking problem, and change your friends. You don’t need friends that serve as a company for reckless behavior, for drinking to the point of getting wasted and worse. There need to be changes, and your husband can help you making those changes.

 

[CarrieH]

Granted that the OP receives forgiveness in the Sacrament of Reconciliation, I would think that at the very least she would have to withhold marital relations with her husband until she is sure she is clear from STDs. Even then, STD tests are not 100% accurate and some STDs can take a long time to manifest themselves. So there is some risk that is posed to her husband. If he is in the dark and doesn’t know what happened, then it poses a moral dilemma - is the low risk of a missed STD detection in the test acceptable to keep her husband’s trust by keeping him in the dark? Should he have the right to decide whether the risk is acceptable by telling him?

I agree. And you don’t have to go to your own doctor or to PP (ugh!) – check out your local county health department. Most health dept.'s offer STD testing for a nominal fee, or even for free.

Joseph L. Varga gave some excellent advice, as well. The two of you are in this together. Eventually, the truth always comes out, so it’s best that your husband hear this from you, and in a timely manner.

Lauraella, you know you made a serious mistake, but the fact that you are so filled with remorse shows that you are not an evil person. God loves you and will forgive you, and I pray that your marriage might be healed and that things will work out well for you all around.

*Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided.

Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother; to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me.

Amen.*

 

[Seatuck]

Father’s job is to address the sin. He may offer ADVICE about telling. OP is NOT obligated to listen.

OP is not obligated to tell her husband either. She is obligated to sin no more and treat him with the love that God is calling her to.

 

[iamrefreshed]

Should I murder someone and go to Confession, I cannot be required to confess to the police.

But every priest will recommend that you do and a good one will make it your penance so if you don’t do so you will not be forgiven!

 

[Cristiano]

But every priest will recommend that you do and a good one will make it your penance so if you don’t do so you will not be forgiven!

That is wrong! A priest is not allowed to use that kind of penance. You should go back to the refresh your memory on what kind of penances can be given. You should also go back to refresh your memory about the concept of absolution and its independence from the penance.

 

[iamrefreshed]

That is wrong! A priest is not allowed to use that kind of penance. You should go back to the refresh your memory on what kind of penances can be given. You should also go back to refresh your memory about the concept of absolution and its independence from the penance.

**1460 **The *penance *the confessor imposes must take into account the penitent’s personal situation and must seek his spiritual good. It must correspond as far as possible with the gravity and nature of the sins committed. It can consist of prayer, an offering, works of mercy, service of neighbor, voluntary self-denial, sacrifices, and above all the patient acceptance of the cross we must bear. Such penances help configure us to Christ, who alone expiated our sins once for all. They allow us to become co-heirs with the risen Christ, “provided we suffer with him.”

The satisfaction that we make for our sins, however, is not so much ours as though it were not done through Jesus Christ. We who can do nothing ourselves, as if just by ourselves, can do all things with the cooperation of “him who strengthens” us. Thus man has nothing of which to boast, but all our boasting is in Christ . . . in whom we make satisfaction by bringing forth “fruits that befit repentance.” These fruits have their efficacy from him, by him they are offered to the Father, and through him they are accepted by the Father. **1492 **Repentance (also called contrition) must be inspired by motives that arise from faith. If repentance arises from love of charity for God, it is called “perfect” contrition; if it is founded on other motives, it is called “imperfect.”

1459 Many sins wrong our neighbor. One must do what is possible in order to repair the harm (e.g., return stolen goods, restore the reputation of someone slandered, pay compensation for injuries). Simple justice requires as much. But sin also injures and weakens the sinner himself, as well as his relationships with God and neighbor. Absolution takes away sin, but it does not remedy all the disorders sin has caused. Raised up from sin, the sinner must still recover his full spiritual health by doing something more to make amends for the sin: he must “make satisfaction for” or “expiate” his sins. This satisfaction is also called “penance.”

(Bold emphasis mine)

 

[kage_ar]

But every priest will recommend that you do and a good one will make it your penance so if you don’t do so you will not be forgiven!

The priest is not permitted, by the law of the Church, to make admission of your sin to anyone as a condition of forgiveness.

Pick up some books on Confession, learn what the Church teaches.

 

[charm1110]

I do think you need to tell your husband, and the sooner the better, if you’re truly sorry and repentant you have no choice otherwise you will be living a lie and that is a sin of omission and comission because you do know better. As far as confession goes…do it, but also understand that God forgives you already if you repent from this sin and move forward in your walk with HIM.

 

[Cristiano]

I do think you need to tell your husband, and the sooner the better, if you’re truly sorry and repentant you have no choice otherwise you will be living a lie and that is a sin of omission and comission because you do know better. As far as confession goes…do it, but also understand that God forgives you already if you repent from this sin and move forward in your walk with HIM.

Can you please explain in detail how it is a sin of omission? My understanding is that the sin of omission is defined by not doing something that can and ought be done. Where does the Church says that she ought to confess to her husband? I would also like to know how is she living a lie? As far as I understand she is not sinning at this time.

 

[iamrefreshed]

The priest is not permitted, by the law of the Church, to make admission of your sin to anyone as a condition of forgiveness.

Pick up some books on Confession, learn what the Church teaches.

So in others words when the priest advises you to turn yourself in it is just advice and not an obligation?

 

[Cristiano]

So in others words when the priest advises you to turn yourself in it is just advice and not an obligation?

Can. 981 The confessor is to impose salutary and suitable penances in accord with the quality and number of sins, taking into account the condition of the penitent. The penitent is obliged to fulfill these personally.

Can. 983 §1. The sacramental seal is inviolable; therefore it is absolutely forbidden for a confessor to betray in any way a penitent in words or in any manner and for any reason.

Can. 984 §1. A confessor is prohibited completely from using knowledge acquired from confession to the detriment of the penitent even when any danger of revelation is excluded.

Can. 981 must be satisfied without being in conflict with Can. 983 and Can. 984

 

[kage_ar]

So in others words when the priest advises you to turn yourself in it is just advice and not an obligation?

A priest cannot force you to turn yourself in.

He may ask you to, and we should obey our priests (unless they advise something immoral).

 

[tafan]

So in others words when the priest advises you to turn yourself in it is just advice and not an obligation?

In general, the priest can only withhold absolution if he sincerely believes there is a lack of contrition on the part of the penitant. In practise, priests have to discern this in a number of ways, but many times they simple ask for an act of contrition, since they must error on the side of giving absolution.
And no, a priest cannot assign penance that includes admitting your sin to someone else, or else that would simply be breaking one’s vow of silence indirectly through the penitent.
So, yes it would be considered advice and not an obligation.

 

[iamrefreshed]

A priest cannot force you to turn yourself in.

He may ask you to, and we should obey our priests (unless they advise something immoral).

Thanks.

Then she can feel free to ignore this post since the priest is not ORDERING her but advising her.

Go to confession and obey your priest.

The reason I say that is your priest may very well tell you not to tell your husband. Remember, your PRIEST has seen many other couples down this road and has received special training. Obey what he says.

Telling your husband will hurt him more.

 

[charm1110]

Can you please explain in detail how it is a sin of omission? My understanding is that the sin of omission is defined by not doing something that can and ought be done. Where does the Church says that she ought to confess to her husband? I would also like to know how is she living a lie? As far as I understand she is not sinning at this time.

Main Entry: omis·sion
Pronunciation: \ō-ˈmi-shən, ə-
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English omissioun, from Anglo-French omission, from Late Latin omission-, omissio, from Latin omittere
Date: 14th century

1 a : something neglected or left undone b : apathy toward or neglect of duty

So by this definition, apathy toward or neglect of duty

Lets look at Ephesians 5: 21 which says “be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Now I ask you is dishonesty with Christ acceptable.

Now lets look at the definition of Lie

Main Entry: 3lie
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): lied; ly·ing \ˈlī-iŋ
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English lēogan; akin to Old High German liogan to lie, Old Church Slavic lŭgati
Date: before 12th century

intransitive verb 1 : to make an untrue statement with intent to deceive
2 : to create a false or misleading impression

Let’s see create a false or misleading impression? can that be done here in this situation? If I don’t tell my spouse what I did it won’t hurt them…right.

We can and ought to be truthful with our spouses, Even if it puts us at risk of losing them…If not then we’re not being honest with ourselves or God.

Now how and when to give such news to a spouse is something else…and I agree that the guidance of your Priest or a qualified counselor is needed.