Did something really wrong

[St_Francis]

More than what?

Not telling him is lying by ommission.

Don’t continue to hurt your husband by furthering your disobedience to your vows.

How can you honor someone by living a lie?

All too often the person tells the spouse so as to alleviate his or her own guilt, and places a huge burden on the other person. This is wrong.

We are not required to admit our own wrongdoing if to do so would be more damaging than not telling. It is not a lie by omission as a marriage can be more hurt by the admission than by keeping it secret.

Right now, the husband is not hurt at all. Were she to tell him then he would be. Carrying the secret alone (under the right circumstances) is part of her penance.

If she at a later point needs to apologise to those whom she has hurt, she still does not need to tell him, she can just say that she has not been a good wife to him and wants to do better.

 

[bethndanny]

Part of the reason the OP should tell her husband is because she will always know that she is keeping something from her dh and it does put a barrier between spouses. I do understand the thought of not wanting to know, but it is still a matter of not being completely honest and it will damage the relationship. You also may always wonder if he will find out. I assure you it is best if you tell your spouse yourself, rather then there being any chance he will ever find out from someone else.

OP I will pray that you can continue on alcohol free ( I agree on seeking out AA), and I will pray that your dh will be able to move on through this with you.

 

[kage_ar]

Remember, the Holy Mother Church never requires us to reveal our sin to another human being.

 

[bethndanny]

Remember, the Holy Mother Church never requires us to reveal our sin to another human being.

Yes, and thanks be to God for that! However, the end results of hiding this sin from her dh may outweigh any perceived benefits.

 

[HollyDolly]

:byzsoc: We will all be praying for you. First, I would go to your priest and tell him in confession what happend. Ask his advice if you should tell your husband.Go to your doctor or call Planned Parenthood.I think they can check to see whether or not you have an STD. I say this in case you are embaressed to see your regular family doctor if you have one. Maybe your ob-gyn doctor can check for you. If you have an STD, then I guess you will need to tell your husband.This was a one night stand, I assume, and it happend when you had to much to drink.Hardly fits in the affair categorery, since an affair is usually something that goes on for a while.

Also , examine the circumstances that led up to this.What is happending in your married life.Is your husband not paying enough emotional attention to you? Does he seem to take you for granted? Does he pay more attention to other women,ie comment on their looks,etc. than he does to you, like telling you your picking up weight,etc?This doesnt’ mean he’s cheating, just that he thinks your not taking care of your appearence like in your courting days(dating days).Men can be mean and cruel sometimes when they compare their wives or girlfriends to other women.Not all men do it, but there are plenty who do. Do you have children? Does he help and spend time with them, or is it left mainly to you to discipline the kids,etc.

Talk to your priest about this. Maybe you all could go to a certified marriage counselor for help or some marriage program put on by the Church . This might help you and he build a better relationship with each other.
Don’t know if you have a drinking problem or not.But if you do,AA has meetings, see if there is a chapter in your area, and i think the meetings are mixed, not just men.I believe they also have a support group that is for families with loved ones who have a drinking problem.Just some advice from an old maid with 3 cats.

 

[GoBison]

Why would she not tell her husband? It will be hard on both of them yeah. But what will living with the guilt do to their relationship? Going to confession is great but she still has to live with what she did everyday. Find a good Christian Counselor go and talk to him/her then bring in your husband and tell him there. Then let him have time to work out the things that he needs to. It won’t be easy but brushing it under the rug will be a lot harder for both of you.

 

[whm]

:byzsoc: We will all be praying for you. First, I would go to your priest and tell him in confession what happend. Ask his advice if you should tell your husband.Go to your doctor or call Planned Parenthood.I think they can check to see whether or not you have an STD. I say this in case you are embaressed to see your regular family doctor if you have one. Maybe your ob-gyn doctor can check for you. If you have an STD, then I guess you will need to tell your husband.This was a one night stand, I assume, and it happend when you had to much to drink.Hardly fits in the affair categorery, since an affair is usually something that goes on for a while.

Yes get checked for STD’s, no do not go to an abortion mill like PP.

 

[turtle18]

She is hurting her husband whether she tells him or not. I can’t believe there are people on this forum who are advising her not to tell him. That is so dishonest. If the roles were reversed and your husband cheated on you, wouldn’t you want to know?

Is there any chance you could be pregnant from this drunken encounter?

 

[rick43235]

…or call Planned Parenthood.I think they can check to see whether or not you have an STD.

Now there’s a bit of advice I never thought I’d see on CAF.

 

[lizaanne]

…call Planned Parenthood.

DO NOT go to PP - they murder children there!!!

For goodness sake - what horrible advice to give someone!!

~Liza

 

[kage_ar]

She is hurting her husband whether she tells him or not. I can’t believe there are people on this forum who are advising her not to tell him. That is so dishonest. If the roles were reversed and your husband cheated on you, wouldn’t you want to know?

Is there any chance you could be pregnant from this drunken encounter?

She has been advised to follow the advice of her PRIEST.

She should schedule a doctors visit (with a legit doctor, not an abortion mill like planned parenthood) for tomorrow.

 

[livnlern]

Why would she not tell her husband? It will be hard on both of them yeah. But what will living with the guilt do to their relationship? Going to confession is great but she still has to live with what she did everyday. Find a good Christian Counselor go and talk to him/her then bring in your husband and tell him there. Then let him have time to work out the things that he needs to. It won’t be easy but brushing it under the rug will be a lot harder for both of you.

A priest is a Christian counselor and is trained in helping people in troubled marriages. It’s not necessarily a good idea to tell her husband if she’s only doing it to relieve her guilt. Then she’s putting the burden onto his shoulders as well.
The OP definitely should get checked out by a doctor and find out if there is a pregnancy or if she got an STD from this episode.
She also needs to stay away from whatever atmosphere she was in that caused her to do this in the first place.

 

[monicatholic]

unless circumstances make it necessary to tell your husband, OP, do not tell him.

unless you are pregnant, or unless you have an std OR unless some other consequence arrises that makes it necessary to tell him, then do not tell him.

confess. receive absolution. do your penance and BELIEVE God has absolved you. believe that God has forgiven you. believe you are in full relationship with him again-- NOT just as a groveling slave who needs to keep begging for forgiveness, but in ***full communion with HIM!! ***

believe that your pennance is powerful because your contrition is real and complete. be sorry because you were unfaithful to your husband. be sorry because adultery is so ugly. be sorry because you fear the consequences and punishment, but most of all, ***be sorry beacuse it offends GOD who is all good and deserving of all your love. *** then your contrition is complete.

(i think that people want to tell on themselves because they do not believe in the real power of the sacrament. i believe it is a protestant notion that suggests we need to do something more than true contrition, good confession and sincere penance.)

but the other advice is good: don’t drink. go to AA if you have to. be the absolute best wife you can be. and AVOID the occasion of sin. don’t run in places where drinks and pick-ups can happen. just stay away.

 

[monicatholic]

If the roles were reversed and your husband cheated on you, wouldn’t you want to know?

whether or not i would*** want*** to know is insignificant. if my husband committed a drunken one nighter and was deeply sincerely sorry*** and *** got tested and sincerely confessed, and sincerely ammended his life to avoid further occasion of this particular sin and did sincere penance,

then his obligation to God and to the Church ***and to me ***is fulfilled.

whether or not i would ***want ***to know.

now, if he made a habbit of this? if he was in a relationship? if he wasn’t contrite? didn’t ammend his life? didn’t confesss in the sacrament?

yeah. i’d want to know.

but that’s not what’s happening here as far as we know.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

I think that her husband will know whether she confesses to him or not. It isn’t possible to hide something like an affair without the truth coming out in some way. It may be so subtle that he doesn’t really pay attention but the truth always comes out. Keeping that terrible of a secret may end up being more damaging to the marriage than confessing ever would be.

 

[monicatholic]

Keeping that terrible of a secret may end up being more damaging to the marriage than confessing ever would be.

only if OP doesn’t belive, really believe in the restoration of the sacrament of confession.

if she believes in the power of God to make all things new, she will cast her burden of guilt on HIM. not on her poor husband.

 

[renatas]

I think that her husband will know whether she confesses to him or not. It isn’t possible to hide something like an affair without the truth coming out in some way. It may be so subtle that he doesn’t really pay attention but the truth always comes out. Keeping that terrible of a secret may end up being more damaging to the marriage than confessing ever would be.

it will always surface when you least expect it. Dont expect your husband to be sympathetic. you should be old enough to know better, my husband is a cheater too and the hurt and scars it makes, never goes away. some people can forgive, others cant. I hope your husband forgives you!

 

[GoBison]

it will always surface when you least expect it. Dont expect your husband to be sympathetic. you should be old enough to know better, my husband is a cheater too and the hurt and scars it makes, never goes away. some people can forgive, others cant. I hope your husband forgives you!

It also depends on how you tell him and if you are truly sorry and he knows it. We all screw up. If your husband is a good person he will forgive you and you don’t have to live with it.

unless you are pregnant, or unless you have an std OR unless some other consequence arrises that makes it necessary to tell him, then do not tell him.

So if I shoot my neighbors dog or commit some other sin I don’t have to tell anyone else about it as long as I go to confession or get caught.

Her friends must know something. Was the guy just a stranger that she picked up at the bar or is he a friend of her husbands? No one on here knows the whole story. Maybe it is something that has been going on for a while and now they actually had sex. I don’t think that most married women just end up sleeping with a guy they just met.

Talk to a counselor and a priest. Let them help you decide how to handle telling or not telling your husband.

I know that I wouldn’t want it to slip out sometime from a friend that my wife had a one night stand that I knew nothing of.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

only if OP doesn’t belive, really believe in the restoration of the sacrament of confession.

if she believes in the power of God to make all things new, she will cast her burden of guilt on HIM. not on her poor husband.

A big part of the sacrament of reconciliation is penance. If I’ve done something horribly wrong to someone and then go to confession it doesn’t remove the obligation to make amends. The Church has the power to forgive sins but it can’t remove the punishment demanded by God’s justice. For her own good she can’t ignore the obligation to make things right with her husband. There are too many variables to say what that might be but I’m sure a good priest can guide her. It very well might include confessing the whole sloppy affair to her husband.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

it will always surface when you least expect it. Dont expect your husband to be sympathetic. you should be old enough to know better, my husband is a cheater too and the hurt and scars it makes, never goes away. some people can forgive, others cant. I hope your husband forgives you!

yes, that is all I am saying. An affair is always, always going to surface sometime in someway. It is easier to forgive someone who is up front and honest to begin with rather than someone who has put a lot of effort in to living a lie.