DIL Cheating on my son, and he's ok with it!?

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When my wife was a child, there were stories that one of her friends’ mothers was living a swingin’ lifestyle. My mother-in-law was really upset when she found out, and wouldn’t let my wife go to the girl’s house. The girl was still welcome at their house. MIL tried to keep it secret but eventually my wife found out.

For what it’s worth, my wife isn’t entirely sure that the rumors were true, or that it was actually what people thought it to be.

I guess in the OP’s case, it’s pretty evident.

I have to say, if we knew of a situation like that, we wouldn’t let our daughters visit their friends.
 
on_the_hill said:
Right, but I think EJ’s point is that a woman is far, far less likely to enjoy being the “cuckolded” spouse. In a situation like that, we’d simply think the husband a cad and not look for ulterior motives on the wife’s part.
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Actually, I was trying to say that it is far more likely that others would assume that maybe she liked the situation. That would be an assumption that would be insulting to her, if there were no evidence for it other than a stated willingness to tolerate philandering. Considering that this fellow does not want to talk about this, I would say that is a very rash conclusion.

I think that guessing that maybe he likes it is really un-called for. Sure, it could be true, but that is not the kind of conclusion that one jumps to without being forced to it.
 
I don’t understand why your son and DIL are not concerned about their children. If she is dating another in their own town people will know and talk. Honestly, their selfishness is unbelievable.
 
EasterJoy said:
Actually, I was trying to say that it is far more likely that others would assume that maybe she liked the situation. That would be an assumption that would be insulting to her, if there were no evidence for it other than a stated willingness to tolerate philandering. Considering that this fellow does not want to talk about this, I would say that is a very rash conclusion.

I think that guessing that maybe he likes it is really un-called for. Sure, it could be true, but that is not the kind of conclusion that one jumps to without being forced to it.
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Yes…last time I checked Catholics are supposed to be charitable in their assumptions. Maybe the son figures he’s better off staying for the sake of their children because if they divorce she will probably get custody and then he has no say in what goes on. I’m not saying that is good logic, but I could understand such a situation. These days the courts really don’t care about infidelity when making custody arrangements.

I think the fact that the son isn’t fooling around says something. Maybe he tolerates it, but isn’t fully into it. Trying to give the guy the benefit of the doubt…
 
lax16 said:
I don’t understand why your son and DIL are not concerned about their children. If she is dating another in their own town people will know and talk. Honestly, their selfishness is unbelievable.
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We all minimize the damage that might come from doing what we want to do. That is human nature. I wouldn’t make these out to be awful people. I would be very concerned that they are greatly minimizing the risks, and I’d think that it wouldn’t be a totally lost cause to ask them to consider them, since many are things that are visible from a purely natural level.
 
EasterJoy said:
We all minimize the damage that might come from doing what we want to do. That is human nature. I wouldn’t make these out to be awful people. I would be very concerned that they are greatly minimizing the risks, and I’d think that it wouldn’t be a totally lost cause to ask them to consider them, since many are things that are visible from a purely natural level.
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Hi Easter Joy - I never said they were awful, I said they were selfish. 😉

If they think this is the way they want to live as a married couple then all we can do is pray. However, I would think people who carry on outside of marriage would do so in another town to avoid being seen.
 
This is a very sad situation and I feel very sorry for the entire family because three generations are presently affected by these sins. This is an example of how people lie to themselves when they claim that their actions do not hurt anyone else but themselves. Not only does it hurt their loved ones but even more importantly it hurts God very much.

The only solution for the OP now is to pray, pray, pray. Sacrifice for the behalf of your son and DIL. Be the best Catholic you can be now and stay on good/civil terms with DIL so that you can have contact with the grandkids. Those kids need you and your son will need you if and when his marriage implodes. I will be praying for your family
 
TinyTina said:
To make a long story short, my youngest son caught my eldest son’s wife out with another man. Apparently it was pretty obvious that they weren’t just friends. My youngest didn’t think he was seen, but he was, because 30 minutes later he got a call from his brother “explaining” the situation.

He didn’t delve into too many details, but he did say that he knows the guy, likes him, and knows what they were up to. He explained that she has been allowed to have flings, one night stands, and casual relationships for years. He says he doesn’t mind at all and that it makes their marriage better for her to be “fulfilled” and do her own thing sometimes. When I talked to him about it later, I asked if he did the same. He said no, but that he doesn’t want to and if he did she would be open to at least discussing it. But for now at least, that isn’t the “dynamic” they have.

I am disgusted, hurt for my son, and filled with rage towards his wife, though he insists that I don’t treat her any differently. I don’t get it, for the last 10 years they have truly seemed like the perfect couple in every way. I am just so confused, horrified, and distraught.

Any advice and/or prayers would be so greatly appreciated.
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I would suggest posting this in the Prayer Forums if you haven’t already for more prayers.

I find it very odd that he would be fine with his wife sleeping around while he is loyal to her. I am not advocating he have some kind of revenge affair or try and make things equal by cheating, but that’s a red flag that something is wrong.

What this is a sign of is that he is getting run over in the marriage and whatever she wants, she gets. That, or maybe he doesn’t care because he doesn’t have romantic feelings for her anymore?

I find his mindset in any case to be unsustainable, and I don’t know if he can or should keep thinking this is okay.

Morally, he may be sinning mortally by not opposing this behavior.

Something has to change, and I don’t mean a divorce or necessarily an annulment.
 
with over 6 pages, there are more responses that I’m willing to read of this but I did want to share a bit.

I was raised in a Christian home and frankly, though there were doubts at time, there lingered in me that there was a God. Even in the worst of my life, I knew there was a God.

A lot of my life was spent either running to God or from God. During some of those times of running from God, I did my best not to even think of God to keep me from feeling guilty. Without going into a lot of detail, there was a lot of sin involving sex and a lot of sin involving drugs. Fortunately, the Holy Spirit decided to reclaim me for God.

The drugs are gone and the illicit sexual activities are too. During those times I was denying God as best I could but I wasn’t doubting him. Just hiding from him. When it came time to God to reclaim me, because of the foundation built in my youth, it was easy to bridge the gap.

all I’m trying to say if that God can find a way back for these two. He did it for me and he probably has done it for some of you two.

If this were one of my children, all I would think I could do would be to pray and love them both.
 
My guess is they’re either swingers or ‘polyamorous.’ Married and dating.

I have a close friend whose into ‘polyamory,’ and as a result have learned quite a lot and frequent some of the poly forums. It’s the next thing after ‘gay marriage.’ I’m already seeing them, among themselves, call people ‘bigots’ for not agreeing with the behavior. for seeing any potential problems with it; I’m already seeing the beginnings of political activism, the push for legalizing marriage among multiple spouses, and the exact same phrases used to push through ‘gay marriage,’ ie, why shouldn’t I be allowed to marry the person I love?

I am also seeing a LOT of broken marriages, a lot of very unhappy people, and I have seen the writings of a girl growing up with both her parents dating, and how much difficulty it’s causing in her life.
 
Hubby and I have had several friends/acquaintances in the past who have experimented with the polyamory and “swinging” lifestyles. Two of my best friends wound up together and they began a relationship “with a sexual component,” along with their spouses. Long story short, as with other “polyamorous” couples we’ve known, that blew up with drama and cheating (yes, the rules of the group were broken and one of my friends cheated on everyone with several people resulting in multiple STD and pregnancy tests). There were hurt feelings and therapy. Both couples moved away and now don’t speak. Heck, they really don’t speak to any of us back here out of sheer embarrassment. Back then they were flaunting it and acting like they didn’t care. Now they’re ashamed. As well, the kids involved became mortified and I know two of the kids still struggle with their relationships with their parents because of that situation, and it was years ago.

I have no advice for the OP. Wish I did. I just don’t know the situation better. I suspect there will be hurt feelings in the end. Hoping the kids, foremost, are not hurt by it. I believe the OP and hubby need to stay cool and on excellent terms with DIL and son so they can stay close to the grandbabies.

Lots of prayers and love and hugs, OP. :hug1:
 
Is it possible your son is abused? I hate to sound silly, but how do we know his wife hasn’t mentally abused him to the point of having zero self esteem, so he thinks he must be okay with this sort of behavior? Men can be victims too.
 
Xantippe said:
This could very well have been your son’s idea initially rather than DIL.
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I’m not sure I understand this reasoning, or any of the other commets stating the son is ok with it, so don’t be mad at the daughter-in-law. Sorry, that just doesn’t cut it. I don’t care if my wife BEGGED me to be with another woman…I wouldn’t do it. That someone asks you to do something to them doesn’t excuse you if what you are doing is wrong.
 
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