Discipline for bad behavior which occurs in church

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Holly3278

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Hey everyone. I need some advice. My son is a very energetic and high strung child. Lately, he has been wanting to run around in church before Mass. I typically have to go after him, bring him back to the pew, and then I sit him down again and tell him not to leave the pew. I also try to block him from getting out of the pew. Unfortunately, he has just started crawling under the pew so that he can escape. He did this on Saturday. I was able to catch him before he got past me and then I held him and wouldn’t let him down because it was clear to me that he wasn’t going to obey and he was going to continue to run around regardless of me telling him not to. So anyway, he got angry with me for not letting him down and he proceeded to smack me several times in a row on the top of my head. I had no idea what to do. I swatted his butt a couple of times and told him “We don’t smack mommy. That’s not nice.” He didn’t smack me again. Well, he has done the smacking thing one other time and that was last week at one of the daily Masses. So anyway, am I doing the right thing? At home, I would give him a time out but a timeout isn’t going to work well in church. What else can I do?
 
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It always mystified me, too, when my kid was small. I often wondered how the first grade nuns handled it. There were plenty of disorderly kids in kindergarten and first grade. The kids seemed to respect the nuns and of course obeyed.
 
First of all, having young kids in Mass is hard. Really hard. So many of us have been there. When my kids were young, they would have time outs anywhere. A favorite place was the hood of the car, in front of the store, on the curb, or wherever we might be out and about. Consistency is key. The naughtier they act, the longer they sit there. Hitting is definitely grounds for a time out. I know others won’t agree with me, but I would not hit the child in return for him hitting you. Be the grown up and model respect. Always keep your cool. Put the ownership on the child, “Bummer, you’re telling me you want to sit here longer. Okay, we will. I’ll know you’re ready to go back inside when you are sitting quietly.” We would bring picture books and quiet toys for them to play with. Young kids have no hope of understanding the Mass. The best you can do is to keep them occupied so you can get something out of it. Don’t be afraid to put them on a time out, even at church. It does get easier as they get older. Hang in there, and God bless.
 
I am with you on this. Been there done that.

Lesson done for me is that never to condemn parents when their children are naughty or unmanageable. It can happen to my own.

I never spare the rod in disciplining my children, and those seemed to be some deterrence. I regret some of my actions later in my life as the children grown up. They don’t seem to resent the discipline imposed on them though; a few would tell me they appreciated them.

Smacking our children hurt us as much as it hurt them. Sonetimes, that’s the pain in parenthood in raising children. In my opinion, something has to be done but whatever it is, it has to be within our capability and temperament, not something theoretical which we cannot realistically carry out.
 
Yes, it really depends on his age. He sounds like 3 or 4?
My four year old grandson went to church with me today. It’s hard for him to sit still for the whole hour, but he managed it by sitting on my lap part of the time, and standing beside me when we stood. We sit in the first 3 rows so he can see what’s going on.
There was an ice cream truck outside and I promised him ice cream if he behaved, which he managed to do more or less, with reminders. He enjoys the mass, which I’ve explained in simple terms-- when you hear the bell ring, Jesus is coming, though we can’t see him. He likes the hand shaking part.

If he smacked me on top of my head, I would take him out, tell him he gets three spanks for that, and wallop him on his bottom hard. Hitting mom or grandma is unacceptable behavior.

I generally don’t spank him and I understand the no-spanking logic, but I think it needs to be impressed on a child that hitting his mom will meet with swift and serious consequences. I don’t think a time out is appropriate. I understand people who say we don’t teach not-hitting by hitting, but I think it works if you say how many swats he gets, confine it to the bottom, and only use it for serious misbehavior. The only other time I’d do it is if he ran into the street.
But he doesn’t get to hit me. A spank on the bottom is not the same as hitting mom or grandma.

My other thought is maybe he’s just not ready for sitting through mass. My grandson is 4 and a half and can just barely handle it. Some children can and some can’t. You might have better luck if you waited a few months, and made it something that big kids are allowed to do.
 
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Hello! Kids at Mass is hard! I am currently experiencing this. My little one was 2 when I joined RCIA and I was aghast that there was no “children’s church” for him! The best advice i received was sit up front so that they can see. It definetely helps. (Also, our front pew is solid so he wouldn’t be able to climb under and escape) I took toys so he can quietly play. He has been dragged out kicking and screaming grabbing onto the pews yelling No mommy no! (that was my most embarrassing moment) so I could take him to the bathroom for his time out which he lost his games for a day as well (I believe that was for hitting). But! ALWAYS go back in!! Taking him out and not going back to finish Mass will just teach him if he behaves bad enough to be taken out, he can get out of Mass (at least that is how mine would see it)
He has climbed pews, dropped the kneeler on people’s feet, dropped hymnals, said really loudly during quiet times “I gotta poop!” → All this to tell you you are NOT alone!
If he is old enough to understand, tell him the behavior you expect. Tell him the consequences if he doesn’t. Then hold him to it. Once I did that it took only once for him to know I was serious and he holds that behavior (well, as well as he can for a preschooler)
There is nothing wrong with time outs. I spank rarely (because I feel it sends mixed messages, “don’t hit but I will”. I use it for extreme need) I actually have kept him longer afterwards and we’ve knelt and prayed together about the bad behavior. Hopefully that doesn’t backfire on me and he sees prayer as punishment! But my hope is that praying to God together will help!
Do you have time to let him run around your yard before Mass starts? Help get some energy out? That could be helpful if possible.
Good luck! you know your child. Use what you know works, even during Mass. Consistency is definetely key!
 
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How old is he?

Maybe get him a litte childrens Missal to help him follow along with the Mass, and explain what’s going on on the altar to him in a quiet way. Emphasise that Jesus is there- I’ve heard moms in my parish refer to genuflecting as saying hello and goodbye to Jesus
 
Does he have “quiet time” at home? If not, start it this evening. Start with 5 minutes of quiet time. You can read a book to him, he can look at a book or play with a soft toy like a stuffed animal. No music, no TV, just quiet. After quiet time you have a piece of candy or an animal cracker.

Add a minute each day. When he accomplishes 6 minutes move to 7 minutes.

Keep going.

After Mass we get a donut or special cookie!
 
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We’ve all been there. Does he have a book about the mass? I found that helped with my son. He knew what was coming next and he could follow along with me. I’d also try some prep work. Say thinks like. “Now at church we’ve got to be quite and listen.” You could also reward him after mass for doing a good job.
 
Sitting still for a small boy is hard. It will get better.

Do you go to Mass alone or do you have someone to go with?

I used to take them out of Mass until they would calm down, then bring them back in. You can alternate with the person you go to Mass with.
 
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TheLittleLady said:
Does he have “quiet time” at home? If not, start it this evening.
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It is really important to practice with kids. There can also be “play church” and see how long they can sit quietly, or have bible reading time during which they have to sit still.

Going to church for practice is also good. When the Church is empty, practice sitting quietly and give a greater reward for more time accomplished. Or a star that can be added to other stars and cashed in as a reward.
 
Boy do I know how you feel! I’ve got a 2yo little guy too. I’ve also got a very hyper 4yo who we call “The Question Kid” because she fires them off one after another and when she has a question, she will ask it over and over and over and over until you answer it. Nothing will clam her up and religion seems to be one of her favorite topics. My husband is the music minister and is of no help whatsoever during Mass, so it’s all up to me. If I let him, my little guy would try to escape and climb under the pews, etc. However, I’ve found what works for him is to shower him with physical affection. He loves to sit in my lap, being held, rocked, scratching his back, rubbing his hair, patting little rhythms to the music with his hands. I can often keep him quiet through the whole Mass this way. Now this would never work with my girl, but my boy’s a cuddlebug.

My girl I have found has to have a little leeway. Yes, I would love for her to sit silently and bask in the brilliance of Father’s wonderful homily, but it ain’t going to happen. We usually sit in a pew that has a wall on one end, so I’m able to quarantine her in there. I let her have free reign in that area as long as she is reasonably quiet and doesn’t scream questions about why Father doesn’t have any hair across the sanctuary. I used to let her look at books, but the temptation to ask questions about the pictures was too much. Basically, she paces the pew until music starts, then she starts up some liturgical dancing. She recites the Lord’s Prayer with everyone and says, “Peace Be With You” at the appropriate time. When we go up to receive the Eucharist, she only sometimes tries to argue with not being allowed to receive. Last weekend she said, “Can I at least SEE inside the cup?!” She sometimes listens to the readings and homily and asks random questions. So many questions…
 
I’ve been smacked by a small child. Being a parent requires one to keep their composure in these situations, and best not to respond right away. Wait until such a time when you are not so upset to address the issue with the child. Give them time-out or some other way of reprimanding you think fits the circumstances.

My way of handling this with our 4-year old daughter has been to teach her to pray, and little by little, she will know that you cannot play in the Mass. She’s now leading a decade of the rosary that we pray as a family.
 
And this was what one friend said:

Just my opinion. Kudos for taking your son to Mass early. Keep it up. It seems the child acts without effective consequences at home and that is now playing out in the public domain. The point is not that the lad has energy to spare since most boys that age are like that. The issue is that limits have not been sufficiently defined for him in a critical area for toddlers…Obedience to Parents. Try a cause and effect system but consistently to simply cut out these antics. There must be clarity of action and consequence and consistent follow through. Just yesterday I heard the term consistent insistence on a parenting poscast. That may help here. Also it will take a while, but the key message is that “Mum will follow through.” Like a scientist, he will test this hypothesis before accepting it. So be ready. And a little more “swatting” will not be amiss. Be ready to oblige him! If you need motivation to stay the course, just think about the potential consequences if a child this age will not obey a parent…How do you cross a road? Survive a visit to the supermarket? Attend Mass? So many everyday realities will be much more difficult than they need to be. And worst of all, he begins to develop antipathy towards all proper authority. Extrapolate further, and you will be glad you were firm now. A stitch in time saves nine. Good luck.
 
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Just remember…you’re doing the right thing. kids who get used to going to Mass are more likely to keep going, when they’re older, and can make up their own minds. And, think of the education you’re giving them, and some of te questions and answers that bring a smile to your face, as you remember them. Remember…God understands. And so will a god priest. the congregation may be 50/50, but those who have kids will understand.
 
I always have to go to Mass alone. Colton’s dad always works when there is Mass and although he’s Catholic, he’s not a practicing Catholic.
 
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