Discouraging a relationship based on the partner's parents?

[Gordon_Sims]

We were at a play date-type thing the other day and our youngest daughter really hit it off with this little boy who was there. The moms there were all taking notice and making jokes about them growing up and getting married. I laughed along but cringed every time they said something because the boy’s father was unbearable. He was very domineering, nitpicked over everything the kid did and encouraged him to essentially bully the other kids, affirming his actions when he stole their toys, pushed another boy down, etc. Aside from that, he was just one of the most horrible, annoying people I’ve ever met (deplorable hygiene, wearing a dirty Star Trek T-shirt, and incessantly wiping his constantly-dripping nose with his entire arm, etc.). This got me to thinking that, as a parent, should my daughter actually meet up with this boy later in life and the father was still the same, would it be right of me to discourage a relationship?

I ask because, as the mothers were making their jokes and he was burping in people’s faces and telling his son, “Good boy” when he kicked over another kid’s blocks, I got to thinking about other people I know whose marriages are either strained to the breaking point or have broken up largely due to meddling or unbearable in-laws. I know the standard response is to tell people to butt out of their kids’ relationships, but if you see them entering into a relationship where trouble is pretty much inevitable, wouldn’t it be best to at least give them fair warning and try to get them to consider the long-term ramifications of a partner’s parents?

 

[EasterJoy]

I would not worry about marriage. I’d worry that your daughter will look back and see that your choice of friends for her included a child not just taught to be but positively encouraged to be an ill-mannered bully.

I’d avoid having play dates with the boy except in situations where there is some adult present requiring him to act in a mannerly way. You do not have to apologize for drawing the line at the kind of behavior you are describing when it is not corrected or even correctable because of the presence of a parent.

The day may come, however, when this young man sees that no one wants to be around him when he doesn’t use good manners and he looks for every chance he can to act in a more socially-acceptable way. When that day comes, he may flee the society of his father and appreciate those willing to separate him from the things his dad says and does. He may be looking for a man to emulate, someone he can look to as a model in a way he can’t realistically expect from his own father.

No, I wouldn’t get in the way of my child marrying someone with a difficult parent. I’d teach her how to draw boundaries and to deal with difficult people with firmness, grace, and perseverance. If your child falls for a “bad boy,” as the saying goes you’ll only drive her towards him with disapproval. Teach her not just to treat others with respect but to have the self-respect to expect to be treated that way herself and you’ll be in a position to reject not her hand-picked nightmare of a boyfriend but only his antisocial habits.

The most important person to teach a young woman how she ought to expect to be treated is her father. If he teaches her that she is a prize, meant for far better than to be either a doormat or the self-centered queen of all she surveys, that is the way she’ll grow to see herself. That is also the way she’ll expect other men in her life to treat her.

By the way, that man’s behavior was really odd. Something’s off, there…maybe he was forced to be there and trying to ensure his wife never EVER made him go to another play date? Maybe there was some guy there he was sick and tired of being compared to in an unfavorable way? He could be just that much of a boor–don’t get me wrong, I know those guys are out there!–but he could also be going a bit over the top for manipulative effect.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

We were at a play date-type thing the other day and our youngest daughter really hit it off with this little boy who was there. The moms there were all taking notice and making jokes about them growing up and getting married. I laughed along but cringed every time they said something because the boy’s father was unbearable. He was very domineering, nitpicked over everything the kid did and encouraged him to essentially bully the other kids, affirming his actions when he stole their toys, pushed another boy down, etc. Aside from that, he was just one of the most horrible, annoying people I’ve ever met (deplorable hygiene, wearing a dirty Star Trek T-shirt, and incessantly wiping his constantly-dripping nose with his entire arm, etc.). This got me to thinking that, as a parent, should my daughter actually meet up with this boy later in life and the father was still the same, would it be right of me to discourage a relationship?

I ask because, as the mothers were making their jokes and he was burping in people’s faces and telling his son, “Good boy” when he kicked over another kid’s blocks, I got to thinking about other people I know whose marriages are either strained to the breaking point or have broken up largely due to meddling or unbearable in-laws. I know the standard response is to tell people to butt out of their kids’ relationships, but if you see them entering into a relationship where trouble is pretty much inevitable, wouldn’t it be best to at least give them fair warning and try to get them to consider the long-term ramifications of a partner’s parents?

In no way will parents joking about toddlers marrying lead to a marriage that is not wanted…

Calm down and don’t associate with people who are generally disagreeable.

 

[amsjj]

That’s terrible behavior. And he had to be wearing a Star Trek shirt! My Trekker heart is saddened.

I agree with EasterJoy’s comments.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I would not worry about marriage. I’d worry that your daughter will look back and see that your choice of friends for her included a child not just taught to be but positively encouraged to be an ill-mannered bully.

He wasn’t a friend, just someone who happened to be there. I’ve never met the guy prior to this but one of the moms told me he’s the real deal. In other words, what I saw was typical. His behavior and the marriage jokes, though, made me think of friends who have been or are in awful marriages and who can or do point to their in-laws as the source of most of their misery. Had someone encouraged them to think more about what they were getting into, would their situations be different?

As a parent, if our kids are in an abusive relationship we should say or do something. Some of what I’ve seen and heard from these other relationships could be called abuse. So are we called to try to steer them clear of these sorts of entanglements? The aforementioned guy’s boorish behavior isn’t the core issue here, just a happenstance that brought it to mind.

 

[Allegra]

I mean, there’s discouraging, and then there’s discouraging. If my kids were discerning marriage with someone who had difficult parents, I would point that out and encourage them to discuss setting boundaries with their potential spouse. Actually, I would encourage that anyway, because inlaws can go bad once the wedding is over and become downright putrid once grandchildren arrive.

 

[Anglewannabe]

He wasn’t a friend, just someone who happened to be there. I’ve never met the guy prior to this but one of the moms told me he’s the real deal. In other words, what I saw was typical. His behavior and the marriage jokes, though, made me think of friends who have been or are in awful marriages and who can or do point to their in-laws as the source of most of their misery. Had someone encouraged them to think more about what they were getting into, would their situations be different?

As a parent, if our kids are in an abusive relationship we should say or do something. Some of what I’ve seen and heard from these other relationships could be called abuse. So are we called to try to steer them clear of these sorts of entanglements? The aforementioned guy’s boorish behavior isn’t the core issue here, just a happenstance that brought it to mind.

Actually, this guy’s behaviour is EXACTLY the core issue. If you want your daughter to learn to associate with people who can behave appropriately, NOW is the time to set the example. I deal with people the way my parents dealt with them when I was young. The older I got, the less my parents behaviour influenced me.

If you don’t want your daughter to put up with this behaviour from a husband or father in-law, NOW is the time to set the example.

I am shocked that when this kid bullied other kids in front of a bunch of adults, no one stood up for the victims. This would have been a great opportunity to speak up and say ‘That behaviour is not nice, someone put a stop to it’. And if the parents of the kid do not put a stop to it, pack your kids up and leave. As a teenager, when your daughter is at a party and sees drugs, she needs the example to get up and leave. Not to mention if ever someone like this guy ends up being your daughters FIL, she needs to know his behaviour is not to be tolerated. How will she know that if this is the type of guy daddy associated with.

If you wait until your daughter has a boyfriend with such a father, it will be WAY too late for you to do anything

Angie

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I mean, there’s discouraging, and then there’s discouraging. If my kids were discerning marriage with someone who had difficult parents, I would point that out and encourage them to discuss setting boundaries with their potential spouse. Actually, I would encourage that anyway, because inlaws can go bad once the wedding is over and become downright putrid once grandchildren arrive.

At the same time, there are bad in-laws and then there are bad in-laws. From my experience, it seems as though the spouses with the worst, most manipulative and domineering parents are also the ones least likely to be able to set boundaries. That may not always be the case, but when the parents verge on abusive and want to micromanage every aspect of your relationship, I think that’s a huge red flag.

 

[Anglewannabe]

From my experience, it seems as though the spouses with the worst, most manipulative and domineering parents are also the ones least likely to be able to set boundaries. .

Then maybe the solution is to teach your kids to set boundaries

 

[Crusaderbear]

Make sure your daughter is aware that any bullying action by this child is unacceptable and that she immediately talks to you about it! Maybe talk to whoever runs the program and voice your concerns about this persons behavior around the other kids.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Make sure your daughter is aware that any bullying action by this child is unacceptable and that she immediately talks to you about it! Maybe talk to whoever runs the program and voice your concerns about this persons behavior around the other kids.

The kid’s behavior is a complete non-issue in the context of this thread. This was a one-time event. We were invited by a friend; the horrid father was invited by an acquaintance of a friend of a friend of a friend, so the chances of ever encountering the kid again are slim at best, and the bullying wasn’t directed at our daughter. I explained quite clearly that this was simply what spurred me into thinking about the question I actually posted, which is whether atrocious parents are a big enough red flag to cause a parent to discourage a relationship with the offspring of said parents.

 

[DarkLight]

The kid’s behavior is a complete non-issue in the context of this thread. This was a one-time event. We were invited by a friend; the horrid father was invited by an acquaintance of a friend of a friend of a friend, so the chances of ever encountering the kid again are slim at best, and the bullying wasn’t directed at our daughter. I explained quite clearly that this was simply what spurred me into thinking about the question I actually posted, which is whether atrocious parents are a big enough red flag to cause a parent to discourage a relationship with the offspring of said parents.

I imagine it would depend on a lot of factors. The age of the parties involved strikes me as one - I’d be more concerned about bad behavior on the part of parents of an 18 year old, than the same behavior on the parents of a 30 year old (especially if said 30 year old has been living independently). You can also generally get a feel for how the individual interacts with their parents.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Then maybe the solution is to teach your kids to set boundaries

Their ability to set boundaries won’t amount to a hill of beans if they end up with a spineless spouse. I have one friend who moved almost 1000 miles away in order to get away from her in-laws. Not only did they continue to call as often as a dozen times per day, but her husband would call to get their approval on everything. They dictated things like where they went to church, his career moves, what sort of car they bought, the diet the followed, all the way down to what he wore…and they were 1000 miles away! Long story short, she spent about 15 years being as miserable as possible, he died, they blamed her and tell their grandchildren every chance they get that their mother caused their father’s cancer (they’ve threatened to sue for visitation rights with the kids and she can’t afford to fight them because of the other lawsuits they’ve filed against her since he died). Bottom line is that all the boundary-setting in the world sometimes isn’t enough, which brings me back to whether she might not have been better off had her parents discouraged her from the outset.

 

[Allegra]

At the same time, there are bad in-laws and then there are bad in-laws. From my experience, it seems as though the spouses with the worst, most manipulative and domineering parents are also the ones least likely to be able to set boundaries. That may not always be the case, but when the parents verge on abusive and want to micromanage every aspect of your relationship, I think that’s a huge red flag.

The problem is, I find it unlikely that it would be apparent to me that the potential spouse has this kind of parent, considering the fact that they are so manipulative and all. I think the best course of action is to be proactive, to teach your kids to set boundaries and advocate for themselves. If you do that, your child is far less likely to get saddled with such a spineless worm of a spouse. They’d likely recognize the situation for what it was and you wouldn’t have to tell them it’s a horrible idea because they’d find it repugnant.

 

[DarkLight]

Their ability to set boundaries won’t amount to a hill of beans if they end up with a spineless spouse. I have one friend who moved almost 1000 miles away in order to get away from her in-laws. Not only did they continue to call as often as a dozen times per day, but her husband would call to get their approval on everything. They dictated things like where they went to church, his career moves, what sort of car they bought, the diet the followed, all the way down to what he wore…and they were 1000 miles away! Long story short, she spent about 15 years being as miserable as possible, he died, they blamed her and tell their grandchildren every chance they get that their mother caused their father’s cancer (they’ve threatened to sue for visitation rights with the kids and she can’t afford to fight them because of the other lawsuits they’ve filed against her since he died). Bottom line is that all the boundary-setting in the world sometimes isn’t enough, which brings me back to whether she might not have been better off had her parents discouraged her from the outset.

I would say that’s actually part of boundaries. It’s unlikely that the prospective spouse had this problem just pop up after they get married. The solution is to teach the child to interact with those who have healthy boundaries. A good “why are you getting your parents involved, it’s our date?” will go a long ways towards preventing this kind of stuff.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Their ability to set boundaries won’t amount to a hill of beans if they end up with a spineless spouse.

You just answered your own question. Crazy, evil in-laws won’t amount to a hill of beans if they have a strong, confident, independent spouse.

Don’t worry about the parents. In all likelihood, you won’t even know the parents of your child’s future spouse until they’re very serious or even engaged. Teach your child from an early age to be confident in setting and enforcing reasonable boundaries, and emphasize the importance of finding a spouse who can do the same. Don’t be overbearing yourself, or your children will think that’s normal and expected (discouraging relationships with good people because of their parents counts as meddling). In short, teach them to respect themselves and to value self-respect in others.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

The problem is, I find it unlikely that it would be apparent to me that the potential spouse has this kind of parent, considering the fact that they are so manipulative and all. I think the best course of action is to be proactive, to teach your kids to set boundaries and advocate for themselves. If you do that, your child is far less likely to get saddled with such a spineless worm of a spouse. They’d likely recognize the situation for what it was and you wouldn’t have to tell them it’s a horrible idea because they’d find it repugnant.

I agree that it’s not always apparent. One friend describes behavior that can only be classified as abuse. However, I’ve met their in-laws many times and they seem like some of the nicest, sweetest people you can imagine. At the same time, this person was apparently talking about their ill treatment long before the engagement, even, so it was at least evident to some people. In other cases, the parents’ behavior really stands out. I don’t know that I’d be able to refrain from telling my girls to steer clear in a situation like that.

 

[Allegra]

I agree that it’s not always apparent. One friend describes behavior that can only be classified as abuse. However, I’ve met their in-laws many times and they seem like some of the nicest, sweetest people you can imagine. At the same time, this person was apparently talking about their ill treatment long before the engagement, even, so it was at least evident to some people. In other cases, the parents’ behavior really stands out. I don’t know that I’d be able to refrain from telling my girls to steer clear in a situation like that.

Like most values, it’s probably best to teach thing by example and throughout their childhood rather than spring it on them when they’re head-over-heels and trying to pick out floral arrangements.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Like most values, it’s probably best to teach thing by example and throughout their childhood rather than spring it on them when they’re head-over-heels and trying to pick out floral arrangements.

True, but when they get all starry-eyed, rational thought sometimes takes a back seat.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

True, but when they get all starry-eyed, rational thought sometimes takes a back seat.

If you go down this path you’re trying to justify, you’ll be the overbearing in-law you fear for your daughters.