Discussing Marriage with my Girlfriend

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namarino41

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Hi everyone! So I’m 21, turning 22 soon, and my girlfriend is 22 and she’s graduating college next month. We were recently discussing getting married and she told me that she wanted to wait until she’s 27 or 28 to get married. I would really like to get married more around 24, maybe 25. She kept saying that she wants to wait until she has “an established career and a stable income”. I know this doesn’t sound like a big difference, but I feel like she has the wrong attitude toward getting married, like we’re both supposed to be well established in our lives before we can commit to each other. My mentality is that marriage is, among other things, a time to grow together, to mature together. And I keep thinking, what if she doesn’t feel “established” at 27 or 28? Then what? Her parents got married at 36, (they met later in life) and she keeps using them as an example and saying that there’s no rush. We’ve been dating for almost 4 years. People who get married later do so because they haven’t met the person they love. Why should I have to wait 5 or 6 more years to get married if we already know we want to spend our lives together?

What do I do to convince her that the prevailing ideas about marriage (that later is better) is actually not a great idea and that getting married earlier is actually good? Am I even right about all of this? Would really appreciate anyone’s advice! Thanks!
 
Has she said that it is you she wants to marry? People change rapidly from ages 22-27.
 
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In my opinion, you are worrying too much about the future. ‘Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day’s own trouble be sufficient for the day.’ Matt. 6:34.
She is clearly not ready to marry you today or soon. Take one day at a time. You are only 22 so have lots of time.
 
I think you are wise to want to wait til at least 25 to get married. As Kathleen said, you will see a lot of changes in both of you during that time. Since your girlfriend wants to wait until she is established in her career, you may also want to discuss what she hopes to do as far as raising a family and her career. Incidentally, you mentioned her plans for school, but what about you?

You need to think about what you see in your marriage and whether you will be able to see this happening with this girl. I know you have been together for 4 years already, but waiting another 5? That seems like a very long time.

However, if she is not willing or ready to marry when you are, it could cause problems if you try to push her into marriage when she isn’t ready yet.
 
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the longer you wait, the harder it will be to stay chaste. If you don’t think the woman you’ve been dating for almost four years is marriage material, you may need to end the relationship? no matter how much fun you have together…or you can wait for her.
 
OP has legitimate concerns & questions

why is 25 or 26 better ages to get married at than 23 or 24?
 
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I agree with you. If you wait until everything is perfect to get married, you’ll never get married. Either you are both ready to commit to each other or you aren’t. There is no reason to wait until some arbitrary age. You can become established in your careers together, you can help each other even!
namarino41 said:
I feel like she has the wrong attitude toward getting married, like we’re both supposed to be well established in our lives before we can commit to each other.
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It’s been my experience in observing this that dragging this out is never a good idea. It’s a disaster waiting to happen because one or both people wonder if it will ever happen, and that is perfectly understandable.

At this point, you need to communicate your concerns to her.
namarino41 said:
Why should I have to wait 5 or 6 more years to get married if we already know we want to spend our lives together?
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If you both know this, it shouldn’t even be a question.
 
What is she planning on doing until she is 27 or 28? Is she continuing her education? If so, she might be worried that the stress of combining school and adjusting to married life could ruin her relationship with you.
 
If the stress of school will ruin the relationship, you should not be getting married. Now or in the future. Life is full of stress and difficulties well beyond school!
 
You don’t mention what it is you do for a living. Assuming you got married this year, and she got pregnant immediately after, how would you be able to support your family? If the answer is, that you won’t be able to or that you don’t know, then it is not the right time to get married. It is a dog-eat-dog world out there and most of us are wearing milkbone underwear, so I would suggest you build a safety net before you get married and have babies. Of course people who get married young and are not opposed to contraception, don’t really have this concern. But if you are a practicing Catholic and don’t intend to use contraception, it is what you have to think about.
 
I am going to be a software engineer. Contraception is out of the question. We’ve discussed using NFP quite a bit.
 
I know that life is full of stress, but schools nowadays just assume that you will put your life on hold for them. Especially if it is something like medical school.
 
Well “going to be” is not the same as currently being. If your girlfriend is interested in marrying you, she probably wants to delay until she feels like you are financially secure as a couple to support a family, especially if you don’t plan to use contraception. I know young people think that they’ll just face the world together and all the pieces will fall into place. I can tell you more often than not, unless great planning is part of the picture, the pieces just don’t always fall into place. I have to side with your girlfriend on this one.
 
The thing is, I know that this is the girl I’m going to marry. But I’m a little concerned that she doesn’t seem to be thinking very deeply about these things. All she keeps saying is that her parents got married at 36. I told her that it’s pretty atypical for people to get married that old and all she could say is that she disagrees. For those of you who got married younger, what are the benefits? Why should one get married earlier rather than later?
 
By “going to be” I mean that I will be this summer. That job will lead to a job after college. That’s not really my concern.
 
Also, she’s going to be graduating. She’s not going back to school until after having a job for a few years. She’s getting a degree in marketing.
 
Do the math, then. Would you be able to support your wife and newborn child with what you currently have? What about what you expect to have in another 8 months, or 12 months? Even pregnancy can be outrageously expensive if there are health issues involved. It is wise to have a nest egg before you get down to the business of participating in activities that can create a new life.
 
I’m fully aware. But I’m 22, and I’m talking about getting married in 2 or three years. And I don’t plan on having children immediately.
 
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