Discussing Marriage with my Girlfriend

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That is still really young. And if you are planning on using NFP, you should be prepared to be pregnant immediately. I encourage you to do a lot of research on the statistics around NFP. Make sure you use a lot of different sources.

I think it is lovely that you love your girlfriend so much that you want to get married. However, if she is a marketing major and has a business background she may be tuned in more to the financial aspect of such a commitment. Hopefully you can find a place to compromise.

Please don’t take my remarks about NFP as a suggestion that you should not use it, or that you should use artificial birth control. I think you should do what you and your girlfriend feel comfortable with, but only if you can afford a family.
 
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She isn’t thinking deeply because she has already told you she doesn’t want to get married when you do. What is so hard to understand about that? Do you really think trying to convince her otherwise is going to work out for both of you?
 
It is interesting that the two of you have discussed NFP. Sounds like you have at least discussed some of the more important issues. There are more though and though I don’t know if you have talked about them, it might behoove you to take a little time to get to know her better. Attitudes can change in a young adult greatly from 20 to 28.
I was deeply in love with a young woman when I was your age. The times and circumstance led to us going separate ways. We reconnected about 20 years later and she is my friend. But from the conversations we have had, I am glad things happened the way they did. In many ways, we were and are, not compatible.
Like Lou Rawls said (and I know that is a cultural reference you might not understand) but sweet Lou said it best, “Love is a hurtin’ thing.”
Good luck and peace.
 
With all love and respect, it won’t ever work out well if you convince her to marry early. She’s already said what she wants. Even if she married you soon, there will be that resentment after a while. She might change her mind on her own (like most of us do), but like I would not advise trying to change her mind or convince her to make the biggest decision of your lives. If she’s not all on board already, that’s your answer. If she feels like you’re pressuring her, bad outcomes…
 
i’ll just add this, as someone who has walked the walk, if you don’t already know the answer to th big QUESTION,

you’d better not ask it…

 
BTW as a young woman, I can see her perspective. I’m only almost 20 but I feel like I’m 15 most of the time. Even if God literally pointed me to the guy I’m going to be married to, I would not marry him until I’m older. It’s not about marrying the right person immediately or anything, but it is about whether I’m mature enough and whether we have the money to raise a baby soon.

Because she’s the one who’s going to have her life drastically spin around when she gets pregnant, she might not be so eager about marriage. People are not really eager to hire pregnant women or even moms. I can see why one wants to hold down a secure job first before marriage. Obviously in reality, things don’t go the way we plan. She might be very much in love with you and want a family next year…maybe she’ll realize you’re not the guy for her after all. Anyway, just telling her POV. I can see why she would be a little afraid to settle down early. I personally would.

You’re not wrong in saying that people shouldn’t feel like they have to be established but unfortunately in this world it’s very hard to feel otherwise.
 
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Is she planning to be a stay-at-home mom? Or hoping to be one? Or how are you guys going to manage child care? This became a huge issue for hubby and me. We both assumed that we both thought the same thing. We didn’t. It got ugly for quite a long while.
 
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Lol I totally get it. I feel the same way. But I feel like marriage is one of those things that you’ll never really be prepared for. Kind of like your first job. There’s really nothing that is going to prepare you for the job except doing the job. I think that life has tendency to mature you. If you keep waiting, I feel like you’ll never do it. Those are just my thoughts.
 
I know, but you have to let her come to this conclusion on her own. The moment she feels that she’s marrying earlier for you, that’s the moment where everything crumbles.
 
these are cogent points, imo

i’d say your thinking pattern is on target

as for your g/f… ?

well; i’ll leave that up to you to decide…

good luck & God Bless…
 
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Schools assume no such thing. I think people assume that life is supposed to stop for marriage.

I work at a hospital, I know many people who got married before and during medical school. I also know a lot more who waited until residency, which is another four years that is more stressful than med school. Many do a fellowship after that. If doctors waited until all of their training was done they would be well into their 30s before they ever got married.

That’s fine, many people now days get married later, but there is no real reason to wait that long if you’ve met the right person. If you are truly ready to marry, it shouldn’t matter what’s going on in your life. Kids are obviously something you should discuss before hand, and something to take into consideration. But NFP really does work (speaking from experience.)
 
You cannot convince someone to marry you. (And you shouldn’t have to!) She was honest with you about how long she wants to wait, now you’ll have to be honest with her about how you’d like to be married earlier. Most likely neither one of you will change your mind, so unless you plan on waiting it might be a good idea to go your separate ways…
 
You are about 2 years away from when you think it’s a good time to marry so you can always ask her if, in two years, you can both revisit the question of when to marry. You will both have had some time in the working world and will be able to see better how you are doing than you can now when you’re just finishing up school. Perhaps then she will be able to envision the possibility better. If your desire is 24-25 and hers is 27-28, maybe you two can meet in the middle and shoot for 26 if things are going well career-wise.

Otherwise, you can’t force her or put undue pressure on her to do something she really doesn’t want to do. If she gives in to pressure, she may resent it later and it could be a sore spot in the marriage. On the other hand, if she digs in her heels about her own timeline or keeps moving it further down the road, you will need to discern whether you want to keep investing time in the relationship or release her so you can find someone else whose perspective closely fits your own.
 
She’s the smart one. You should follow her lead.

Or go find someone who wants to marry sooner.
 
brian_custer said:
OP has legitimate concerns & questions

why is 25 or 26 better ages to get married at than 23 or 24?
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Because it’s what she clearly wants. That’s why in this case it’s better. It’s clearly not better for him because that’s not what he wants. But it’s what she wants, and that’s okay.

Her opinion and how she wants to proceed is 100% valid.
namarino41 said:
All she keeps saying is that her parents got married at 36. I told her that it’s pretty atypical for people to get married that old and all she could say is that she disagrees.
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Those are her parents. She lived a different example than a lot of folks. I wasn’t born until my mother was 39 and my oldest brother was 18 - I lived a different experience than a lot of folks my age. (Talk about atypical 44, almost 45 years ago…) But that was my normal - children late in life never scared me, and in her normal, waiting for marriage is the norm and doesn’t scare her. She knows what “everyone else” is doing, but her reality wasn’t set up that way. She thinks that’s fine, and it’s okay that she thinks that.
 
Magdalene said:
Many do a fellowship after that. If doctors waited until all of their training was done they would be well into their 30s before they ever got married.
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Yes!! This was exactly our situation (husband was 28, I was 25).
For the OP, it’s not helpful at all as his gf is not on board, and there may be a big difference in maturity between 22 and 25. But really, if people would wait for everything’ s perfect until marriage, the majority of the world wouldn’t bei able to marry.
 
If you saw my life right now, you’d see where I got my point from. My school absolutely assumes I devote all my time to it.
 
It honestly sounds like you may want different things in life and if that’s truly the case maybe you weren’t meant to be together. I know you keep arguing that you are, that you’re sure that she is the one that you’re supposed to be with for the rest of your life. But you have a major point of contention here right off the bat. If she insists on not getting married until 27 or 28 are you going to be resentful because you feel like you lost those years that you could have been married and having children? I think if you were able to “force her” to come to your way of thinking and you get married sooner she will resent you. Trust me resentments are not good for a marriage.
You seem to feel that if you give her the right argument that she will change her mind. It doesn’t work that way unfortunately.
My real advice here is to pray about it. Pray for her, pray for guidance for yourself and pray that God’s will be done.
 
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