Discussion about a mutual friend's hypocrisy a sin?

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A friend and I confide in each other about a mutual friend’s romantic involvement with a man going through a nasty divorce. It has become increasingly apparent to us that the mutual friend is deliberately maintaining an occasion of sin, as there is no guarantee they will be able to marry. The woman concerned in her 60s, is very “pious”, runs around being involved superficially in all sorts of Catholic apostolates and presents as a devout Catholic. We are both sickened by aspects of her character which have become obvious. It’s been a relief to confide my impressions to someone who is in a position to also see our friend is not at all what she appears to be. I’m not sure I could have kept completely quiet about my impressions. My confidante and I are both seriously affected by the other woman’s behaviour because she is in our living and working orbits. Have I sinned in making a judgement of hypocrisy?
 
It would be gossip if we were talking about to her to other people. We are both badly affected by this person’s behaviour. It has been a shock to both of us to discover because of close proximity that she is not what she has made herself out to be.
 
I don’t know/care about your personal situation, but generally speaking:

Anything that would harm the reputation of another person, distort truths, spread unconfirmed rumors, or violate another person’s privacy would fall under gossip. It’s also uncharitable (towards yourself) if you’re talking about them in private in a way that inflames hard feelings or resentment. The big problem with this is that something might start off as a flicker of resentment and then through our own thought patterns we build it up into a raging bonfire and all rationality and prudence flies out the window.

Gossip can be divided into reviling, backbiting, or calumny. Reviling is harming a person’s reputation to their face. Backbiting is spreading rumors / violating privacy. Calumny is deliberately spreading lies and the most serious of the three.

Having a conversation with a trusted person on a difficult issue in a way that respects privacy and is designed to relieve anxiety and/or find solutions is not gossip. It is meritorious and virtuous.
 
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Welcome to the world of “life is messy”.

This woman is going through stuff and is facing a serious temptation.

She needs fasting and prayer and possibly fraternal correction (I don’t know what she’s told you or if you’re in a position to say anything.
 
gabrielmercy said:
A friend and I confide in each other about a mutual friend’s romantic involvement with a man going through a nasty divorce. It has become increasingly apparent to us that the mutual friend is deliberately maintaining an occasion of sin, as there is no guarantee they will be able to marry.
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We ARE permitted to judge, but not to judge rashly or condemn. Parents ought always to judge to protect their children and render discipline. To learn that another’s actions are “occasions of sin” as you stated, is not a sin in itself.

It would help you to understand whether the Holy Spirit is moving you to sorrow re this discovery, or anger and condescension. St. Teresa of Avila wrote that we should be as sorry about another’s sin as if it were our own. When you confide in a close friend to test your own perception of this person’s activity, I don’t believe it is a sin, provided that both of you remain free of loathing and haughty sneering. Only you know your heart at that moment, which seems so to be a good action so far, as I read your words.

Maybe the Spirit will move you to fraternal correction, or to have her superior counsel her. I had a friend in this same situation who was dating a man while her marriage was not annulled, meaning she had no business in a relationship. She was an EMHC, and this was scandalizing us. She was given bad advice by another priest that it was okay to date him.

A friend and I met in my home with her priest who concurred with us. But he went a step further and notified the Chancery about the priest who misguided her, and he was disciplined by the Chancery. It broke up our friendship, naturally, for she was very angry, thinking that it was me who reported that priest to the Chancery.

May God give you discernment and enable you to see your true intent. This man is not free to date, even though he may obtain a divorce, until he has been granted an annulment. He is STILL married!
 
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gabrielmercy said:
A friend and I confide in each other about a mutual friend’s romantic involvement with a man going through a nasty divorce.
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There is no need for you to “confide in each other”. You are gossiping about her - if you did not talk about it to each other, there would be less chance of you being so affected by her behaviour.
gabrielmercy said:
It has been a shock to both of us to discover because of close proximity that she is not what she has made herself out to be.
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I’m confused. You’re shocked because she is fallible, like the rest of us? But now you and your friend have reached this conclusion, there is no reason for you to discuss her further.
 
I don’t think judgement is the concern, gossip certainly could be the sin. A fairly simple rule: does all aspects of any given discussion you might have serve a purpose to help the people in question? If yes, no sin. If no, it’s gossip or slander. For example if my brother and I were talking about a family member’s behavior because we were planning a needed intervention, then it might be ok. If not, it’s likely gossip.
 
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Definitely sounds like you need to speak to a priest in confession about this.
 
gabrielmercy said:
Have I sinned in making a judgement of hypocrisy?
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Possibly. What did Jesus say about judging?

Apart from judgment, there may be other sinful aspects. I think you are not fully respecting her human dignity. You think you have her all figured out and neatly categorized, but that’s not who she is.

In fact, you know very little about her. You know next to nothing about her life history, her struggles, her weaknesses, or, for that matter, her virtues and her strengths.

What is God’s plan for her salvation? How does she fit into His grand plan to save others, and us? How will her life glorify God? We don’t know. Let’s pray for her, and leave our concerns in His perfectly capable hands.

Seriously! Pray for her, and for those close to her, and for yourself and your confidante. Lord Jesus, save us from sin, bring us close to you, and make us one in faith, hope, and charity!
 
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gabrielmercy said:
A friend and I confide in each other about a mutual friend’s romantic involvement with a man going through a nasty divorce. It has become increasingly apparent to us that the mutual friend is deliberately maintaining an occasion of sin, as there is no guarantee they will be able to marry. The woman concerned in her 60s, is very “pious”, runs around being involved superficially in all sorts of Catholic apostolates and presents as a devout Catholic. We are both sickened by aspects of her character which have become obvious. It’s been a relief to confide my impressions to someone who is in a position to also see our friend is not at all what she appears to be. I’m not sure I could have kept completely quiet about my impressions. My confidante and I are both seriously affected by the other woman’s behaviour because she is in our living and working orbits. Have I sinned in making a judgement of hypocrisy?
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What was the good object of this discussion? That is always the question to ask, right? Put yourself in the woman’s place…she’s supposed to read what you just wrote and consider that you two are her friends? And that you think she is the hypocrite? I think you can see how she might be skeptical.

If you two are concerned about her spiritual welfare and think it would be wise for her and her romantic interest if the two of them were to pull back until the situation with his first marriage is resolved, well, OK. Talk over whether you are going to talk to her or not. Talk about what you might say, talk about what you may not be considering and how the conversation could go wrong or cause harm. That’s not just OK; that is prudent and shows concern for the person you want to approach.

Are you two really “seriously affected” by a co-worker at church because she’s making bad decisions in her private life? If you are, then when you talk to her about your concerns about her welfare, then by all means tell her how her decisions have affected you.

Do try to avoid indicating that you would put the word “pious” in quotes when you refer to her. That’s not going to help her believe that you have her best interests at heart.

Instead, imagine how you yourself could make the mistakes you believe she is making. Maybe she’s lonely. Maybe she has things in common with this man that she does not have in common with her other friends. Maybe she, too, has been through a nasty divorce and understands how stressful it can be to go through that and to have the entire parish know about it. Try to consider those things before you ever talk to her.

If you’re not going to talk to her, though, it is probably better to stop talking about her, at least, not unless you’re giving an ear to someone who will be talking to her or who is considering treating her differently than they do.

The best rule of thumb is this: When you talk about her, imagine that you are her and you can overhear the conversation about you directly. That is very illuminating when it comes to asking yourself if you are gossiping and if you are being charitable.
 
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Your/our responsibility is to pray for them.
Is it possible that you are both traumatised because you inherently judge her, along with your anxiety.
She may have some barely-aware self-deception in the bubble of her attraction, rather than the unadorned possible occasion of sin.

Please pray for her wisdom and spiritual welfare, and for each other.
Pray also against scandal.
God bless and protect all concerned.

And both consider going to Confession to confess any tendency of gossip and judgement, but also mention your anxieties regarding the matter, so that the priest can briefly advise you.
 
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True, and it was in my thoughts but not stated. Many people are more aware of the importance of romance than of the teachings of the Church, of the Word of God. Many, even devout people are not necessarily catechised .

For authority … you will find that the Catechism of the Catholic Church and Canon Law are available in full online.

However having respectfully and kindly informed her of the importance of avoiding occasion of sin and adultery, and of scandal to the faithful, You and your friend will certainly be gossiping if you continue speaking of this, so henceforth pray for her and this man, say the rosary together, and offer Mass and prayers.
May God abundantly bless you all
 
Thank you, Sirach2, for your considered and well-informed response. I have discerned many reasons for my anxiety - one of which, is that I am doing penance for my own past sins. As I walked along the breach today, it came to me, that when our hearts of stone are exchanged for hearts of flesh (His), we begin to experience true sorrow for our sins suffer for our own sins and for those of our fellow cells in the Mystical Body. There are other, baser elements, of course; anger at being put in an awkward position and the temptation of moral superiority, which has no basis. The problem is not really the friend’s behaviour or attitude, it is how I grapple with it and achieve charity and equanimity when being unable to escape the fallout from the scandal. We suffer as Christ suffers, and we must forgive and be charitable as He is. Who would have thought the interior life is such a gargantuan BATTLE!!?
 
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We are both heavily involved with her, and don’t talk to others about it, and we are both badly affected by her behaviour, which is a complete lack of consideration for others around her - just one of the little consequences of a person who believes she can do no wrong. It is actually the carefully constructed persona of piety and good works - racing from one apostolate to another - but with the revealing of a heart of stone and full of pride and stubbornness, which is such a shock and so hard to deal with. I can fully understand why Christ flayed the hypocrites with his tongue and why pride is the one sin which blocks God’s grace.
 
All the more reason to pray for her!

(Christ suffered and died for worse sinners. Christ loves hypocrites, and so should we.)
 
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Everyone has been fooled by this person, but she has outed her true dispositions by blatantly and stubbornly forcing friends, family and colleagues to accept the ‘relationship’ . In the end, people who hide their malice under a cloak of piety (St Faustina) will eventually reveal themselves. I have been baffled by things she has said which have been completely contrary to anyone’s notion of compassion, and by a persistent foolishness in other areas. It’s all clear, now: when there is no love for the truth, it shows as foolishness. All my friends regularly confess to their own weaknesses and bad habits. The woman in question, never. Told me once she had nothing to say in confession. That was a red flag and has been followed by many. The person who believes he or she is beyond reproach is in dire straits. I find myself in anguish over this, and so does my poor, holy parish priest.
 
Actually, not. He scourged with his tongue the Scribes and Pharisees whose hearts were set against Him. I’m not saying it’s my job to do what He did, because I can detect all manner of betrayals in my own heart, but there is a dividing line between sinners who admit it and those who never will. Of course I pray for the person, but I pray harder to be delivered from this evil which I have never encountered before in a “faithful Catholic”.
 
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