Disowning Family: emotional scars

[EasterJoy]

…How long do you watch someone beat a dog with a stick before you take the stick away and say no more? I feel wrong for thinking this way and just needing to hear if it is a sin to just not take anymore…

You’re right, you don’t. Our Lord did not just stand there and let himself be beaten without admonishing someone who might have turned from their sin by his admonishment.

The high priest questioned Jesus about his disciples and about his doctrine. Jesus answered him, “I have spoken publicly to the world. I have always taught in a synagogue or in the temple area 10 where all the Jews gather, and in secret I have said nothing. Why ask me? Ask those who heard me what I said to them. They know what I said.” When he had said this, one of the temple guards standing there struck Jesus and said, “Is this the way you answer the high priest?” Jesus answered him, “If I have spoken wrongly, testify to the wrong; but if I have spoken rightly, why do you strike me?” John 18:19-23

To give someone occasions to abuse you is to give them a near occasion of sin. If they cannot be around you without sinning against you, then stay away from them. Surely, though, even the Lord in his Passion called abuse what it was and ask that it stop.

*"If your brother sins (against you), go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have won over your brother. If he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, so that ‘every fact may be established on the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell the church. If he refuses to listen even to the church, then treat him as you would a Gentile or a tax collector. …Then Peter approaching asked him, “Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus answered, “I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times.” * Matt 18:15-17, 21-22

Do you notice the difference? In the first case, the brother and then the church sought reconciliation with the brother who offended the other, but eventually the wronged party and the Church were both allowed to give up on a recalcitrant brother. Yet they were to forgive him essentially without end. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing! Forgiveness is letting go of ill will against the person. Reconciliation is re-building a relationship of trust. God is very forgiving when we sin, too, but reconciliation requires us to repent, accept the gift of forgiveness, and try to amend ourselves.

I think if you quit expecting yourself to put someone in a place of trust who you know will abuse it without compunction, you will be more able to let go of the ill will you feel. When there is an opportunity to object to or stop the offending behavior, then stop it! Only when you can neither stop the abuse nor object to it with any hope of reconciliation do you have to forgive and keep suffering the abuse. If you can remove yourself as a temptation to sin, by all means do it! Who knows, that may be what awakes them to what they are doing and turns them from their sin. That, in the end, is the goal, right?

 

[TeaBelle]

Yes the end means is to have the sin realized and the abuse stop. But not even as “favorite grandchild” is it even acknowledged that wrongdoing exists. So I walked away to leave it with God. My counselor says it is an awakening to their true color of their pride and sin. but very hard to swallow and accept

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes the end means is to have the sin realized and the abuse stop. But not even as “favorite grandchild” is it even acknowledged that wrongdoing exists. So I walked away to leave it with God. My counselor says it is an awakening to their true color of their pride and sin. but very hard to swallow and accept

Our Lord was left alone in Gethsemane with very similar thoughts. He had done all he could do. So of course it is sad for you that someone you love so much will not turn from their hard-heartedness.

• “The fact that you feel grief doesn’t mean there is something wrong with your faith…Jesus knows that terrible weight you feel in your heart; He knows that life has been torn apart for you. And when Jesus died, Mary and John and all those who loved him didn’t try to keep a stiff upper lip. What I’m trying to say is that it is OK to cry, to weep, to grieve, to feel as lost as you do at this moment.” *Mother Angelica, founder of EWTN

It is hard to accept, but don’t be hard on yourself because you are suffering.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

That’s what I was raised to do. (…)and that’s just how family is.
My parents say it is penance and grandmother (who hasnt been to church in decades) preaches to me that I have no right to b angry with anyone because Jesus died for my sins and I apparently must just live with it like a good catholic and forgive 7xs70 with no one stopping the hate behind bad manners cycle.

I have walked away from them but feel they are guilting me and blaming me for feeling the way I do.

I should forgive like Jesus did on the cross… Is like telling me Im supposed to witness and take their abuse silently like being crucified with Christ. So it’s ok for them to condemn and abuse and if I object, their fingers point at me to say I’m not a Christian if I don’t just take it silently and forgive.

Dear TeaBelle,

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I alsp grew up in a very dysfunctional family and understand what that is like. I stopped talking to my father 2 years ago because he continued to push the boundaries into more crazy territory despite my best efforts to keep our relationship ‘normal’. As you, I have felt ashamed to be a part of that family. I think that is normal in such a situation.

I have quoted the above from your posts. What your family has been doing is simply using religion to justify their weakness and sinful behaviour. No, you don’t just offer it up and pretend your family is not suffering abuse. Your fathes has failed in his role, he should have protected you and your mother. From my experience, the finger gets pointed at the family member who has dared to speak the truth. It is easy to manipulate people because, as you have said above, you were raised that way and your family dynamic has been normal for you.

I assure you that these feelings will go away, but it takes time. We can’t heal from a lifetime of hurt overnight. Making the decision to end it and change the rules of the game is just the first step. You will probably go back and forth, feel better and then feel sad and guilty all over again. But I repeat, it gets better, these feelings will not remain so intense. It is a potentially long process and you have just started it.

I would also like to suggest a book called Wounds that heal: bringing our hurts to the cross.

amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_2_12?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=wounds+that+heal+bringing+our+hurts+to+the+cross&sprefix=wounds+that+%2Caps%2C680

It was written by a protestant minister who is also a psychologist. He talks about redemptive suffering and how to make sense of our painful experiences. (But not in the way your father suggests!) He also discusses things that are very common among abuse victims. It has helped me a lot because I recognised many of my feelings in some of the cases he discusses (like feelings of shame, responsibility for others and their bad treatment of me, of blaming myself for being hurt, etc.) I hope you will find it helpful and that it will aid you on your journey towards healing.

 

[90Domer]

Been there, done that- and I’m sorry you’re going through it now! :hug1:
Not a sin. My confessor always gave me the “offer peace to all n the house… If peace does not come back to you, shake the dust from your sandal and move on…”

Will keep you and everyone who puts the “fun” in dysfunctional in my thoughts! :grouphug::grouphug:

I have been there too, and a couple priests I have talked to used the same bible verse as above. I often think that the Honor Thy Mother and Father commandment is one of the most misunderstood and misapplied of the commandments. And yes. I and DH have been led to believe that we have to be doormats to someone treating us badly. Although I still have residual anger I need to let go of, I find it therapeutic to read that I am not alone here.

 

[GreatNana]

And heres a book that helped me a great deal, Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer. She has a website and you can find her books online and at book stores. Our minds can really be a battle field and she teaches you how to help yourself find peace of mind.

 

[TeaBelle]

Our Lord was left alone in Gethsemane with very similar thoughts. He had done all he could do. So of course it is sad for you that someone you love so much will not turn from their hard-heartedness.

• “The fact that you feel grief doesn’t mean there is something wrong with your faith…Jesus knows that terrible weight you feel in your heart; He knows that life has been torn apart for you. And when Jesus died, Mary and John and all those who loved him didn’t try to keep a stiff upper lip. What I’m trying to say is that it is OK to cry, to weep, to grieve, to feel as lost as you do at this moment.” *Mother Angelica, founder of EWTN

It is hard to accept, but don’t be hard on yourself because you are suffering.

Thankyou so much for sharing this quote from Mother Angelica. The grief has been overwhelming and I beat myself down with shame on how Jesus suffered, feeling I have no right to hurt. I felt the pain must b sin weighing me down tho my heart tells me it’s not, it’s been an inner battle. These words are very comforting. I will continue to pray and read the books suggested too. Thankyou so much.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thankyou so much for sharing this quote from Mother Angelica. The grief has been overwhelming and I beat myself down with shame on how Jesus suffered, feeling I have no right to hurt. I felt the pain must b sin weighing me down tho my heart tells me it’s not, it’s been an inner battle. These words are very comforting. I will continue to pray and read the books suggested too. Thankyou so much.

Think of the father in the story of the prodigal son, the tears he must have had in his eyes and the grief he must have felt as his eyes swept the horizon each day in the hopes that his son would return to him–that son who in asking for his inheritance had essentially said, “Father, I want your stuff, I don’t want you, and I’ve gotten tired of waiting for you to be dead so I can have it.”. That was the son who took a few days to gather his loot and clear out.

God understands what it is to be rejected. Our Lord understands what it is to be rejected. He knows, too, what it is like to tell the truth and to have the people he loves pick up stones so as to kill him. That is why, when he was being praised, the Gospel says this of him: While he was in Jerusalem for the feast of Passover, many began to believe in his name when they saw the signs he was doing. But Jesus would not trust himself to them because he knew them all, and did not need anyone to testify about human nature. He himself understood it well. John 2:23-25

He knows what it is to be the “favorite” one day, to have them laying down palms in front of you, and to have them yelling “Crucify him!!” the next. Let him and His Mother be your refuge. Let them help you to heal your heart and keep it soft, and who knows, one day the ones who have done so much damage may repent. Until then, though, it is OK to let them go their way. You need to do what you need to do and tell the truth you need to tell, but you don’t have to hang around for the stoning. Those are the days when you say, “Lord, let this pass me by,” and you get to walk out of the crowd because it is not your day. Our Lord did not go around looking for abuse, and you don’t have to, either.

 

[gmarie21]

Think of the father in the story of the prodigal son, the tears he must have had in his eyes and the grief he must have felt as his eyes swept the horizon each day in the hopes that his son would return to him–that son who in asking for his inheritance had essentially said, “Father, I want your stuff, I don’t want you, and I’ve gotten tired of waiting for you to be dead so I can have it.”. That was the son who took a few days to gather his loot and clear out.

God understands what it is to be rejected. Our Lord understands what it is to be rejected. He knows, too, what it is like to tell the truth and to have the people he loves pick up stones so as to kill him. That is why, when he was being praised, the Gospel says this of him: While he was in Jerusalem for the feast of Passover, many began to believe in his name when they saw the signs he was doing. But Jesus would not trust himself to them because he knew them all, and did not need anyone to testify about human nature. He himself understood it well. John 2:23-25

He knows what it is to be the “favorite” one day, to have them laying down palms in front of you, and to have them yelling “Crucify him!!” the next. Let him and His Mother be your refuge. Let them help you to heal your heart and keep it soft, and who knows, one day the ones who have done so much damage may repent. Until then, though, it is OK to let them go their way. You need to do what you need to do and tell the truth you need to tell, but you don’t have to hang around for the stoning. Those are the days when you say, “Lord, let this pass me by,” and you get to walk out of the crowd because it is not your day. Our Lord did not go around looking for abuse, and you don’t have to, either.

EasterJoy, I have been showing my husband your posts (and one you made in the past about this same topic) and it has really been helping him. Thank you for your insight!

 

[EasterJoy]

EasterJoy, I have been showing my husband your posts (and one you made in the past about this same topic) and it has really been helping him. Thank you for your insight!

I am so glad it was a help! These things are so hard to go through, but especially when it is with family. That is the hardest to accept. You find that the acceptance is not in it being OK, but in accepting that it did happen and in spite of how wrong it is, you cannot control it. The hardest part is letting go of the desire to change what isn’t yours to change. The more understandable and justified the desire, the harder it is to let go.

 

[EasterJoy]

EasterJoy, I have been showing my husband your posts (and one you made in the past about this same topic) and it has really been helping him. Thank you for your insight!

I’m so glad it was helpful. It is so hard to let go and accept what is not ours to change, and it is the hardest when it is family. It is not about accepting that the situation is OK, but in accepting that we have to let go in order to find serenity in the face of a situation that is very much not OK. No wonder the Lord had to spend so much time out in the desert in prayer:

“Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how many times I yearned to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her young under her wings, but you were unwilling!” Matt. 23:37

He knows. He knows better than anyone.