Disqualified From Finding a Wife?

[I-Need-Hope_2020]

Hello, the purpose of this post I suppose is that I’m looking for some perspective, and hope. Here’s my current dilemma. For about 15 years now, I have been desperately craving a wife. Not just for the obvious biological reasons, but because I desparately desire the emotional intimacy and closeness that a true loving relationship would provide. Throughout this whole 15 year timeframe, I’ve always been a practicing catholic. With the exception of a few years in college (which I deeply regret now), I’ve always atttended weekly mass, and confession every few weeks. The problem is that over these past 15 years, I’ve been a really horrible person, particularly in the purity domain. I have committed the sins of porn viewing, and masturbation, thousands of times. Even worse, I’ve gone to strip clubs and massage parlors, and engaged in inappropriate sexual acts. Each and everytime I’ve done these things, I’ve known how wrong they are. Yet, out of weakness, I’ve never been able to overcome these sins. I may get through a few weeks clean at times, but then I relapse and fall off the deep end. I honestly spend alot more days disgusted with myself than I do encouraged. As of late, I’ve kind of fallen into despair. On top of being riddled with depression, anxiety, and ocd (mostly scrupulosiry over sinning sexually), my cravings for finding a wife are getting much more intense. And with everyday that passes, that crushing feeling of not having that desire fulfilled is just suffocating me. As a result, I seem to be falling deeper and deeper into sexual sin. I’m not making excuses, I know I need to be stronger and just rise above it, but I feel like I just can’t at times. I feel like I’m on a complete downward spiral, and I can’t stop it. Based on where I’m at right now (mid 30’s in age), I’m really struggling to maintain hope for my future. The concern I keep having is this; have I been so bad over the years with regard to my sexual sins, that I have disqualified myself from ever having a wife? Has god seen all my disguistingly evil deeds, and decided that I do not deserve a female companion? I hate myself for all the terrible things I’ve done, and I’ve desparately wanted to stop doing them for the longest time. I always hoped that one day, I would meet the girl of my dreams, and just the pure joy of meeting that person would really help me stop. But, as I said before, from feelings of unworthiness, along with the thoughts of “did I miss my window”, I’m really down on the possibility of this happening right now. So, bringing this all together, some questions I have for anybody that’s reading this:

1.) Do you think god views me as disqualified from meeting someone, falling in love, and getting married, and as a result, will not help me to make that happen?

2.) Have any of you, or someone you know, been in a similar situation, only to then be blessed with the spouse of their dreams?

I guess hearing a few real life examples would help me to hold out hope that despite my hideous behavior, god might still choose to bless me in the future.

Thanks for reading, and for any perspective that you may give.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I would gently suggest that based on your description of yourself, it sounds like you have a number of significant personal issues to work on before you would be ready to be a good husband. Catholic women seeking a spouse are generally looking for someone who is responsible, has his life under control and is living a moral lifestyle. You’re not coming across as any of those things.

Furthermore, your problems are not going to magically stop due to the “pure joy of meeting” the “girl of your dreams”. This is a fantasy you’re having, that you’ll suddenly find the right girl and she will help you fix everything. You need to fix yourself first, and a porn addiction and immoral lifestyle habits are not really something a girl can help you with.

Also, people are not likely to find a good relationship when they are “desperately craving” a spouse, or “desperately desiring emotional intimacy and closeness”. Prospective partners will sense that desperation and it usually makes them back off. If they don’t back off, the relationship will likely be problematic as it will be based on your desperation and on the other person’s wish to “help” someone who has serious problems; neither factor is a good basis for a healthy relationship.

This is not about God “disqualifying” you from meeting someone, it’s about the fact that you yourself are living your life in such a way that you are definitely not “marriage material” right now, and the type of girl you want to marry is unlikely to be attracted to you.

It would be good if instead of focusing on denigrating yourself and calling yourself unworthy and basically fantasizing about being “saved” if you could only meet the perfect girl, you owned up to the fact that you have a sin problem, and took practical steps to solve that sin problem, and also got counseling (which I presume you might already be getting) for your depression, anxiety, and OCD.
Good luck.

 

[fhansen]

God often finds mates of similar backgrounds for us. Either way, we all sin and change/metanoia/forgiveness is the heart of our faith. Remain in God through this and He’ll provide

 

[1ke]

I know I need to be stronger and just rise above it,

You need professional help— spiritual direction from a competent priest and counseling from a mental health professional.

Scruples, OCD, sexual addictions, depression, self-loathing— these are not do it yourself fix-it projects.

I always hoped that one day, I would meet the girl of my dreams, and just the pure joy of meeting that person would really help me stop.

That’s not how mental health works. You need professional intervention. Please reach out to your priest and a qualified therapist.

 

[Sarcelle]

Think of the bright side.

Yes, there is a bright side. You may struggle with your sins but at least you’re not hurting your wife. I have seen too many posts from hurt wives wondering why their husbands are addicted to porn.

Marriage doesn’t cure porn addiction. The presence of a wife doesn’t cure it.

If you struggled with it single, you will struggle with it married, only this time it’s worst. You’re hurting someone else.

Also since artificial birth control is out of the picture, what if you have to practice NFP because your wife has health problems and pregnancy will risk her life. Are you willing to be continent without falling back into old addictions?

 

[Retsel]

1.) Nope.
2.)Yes. (But I suggest you lose the wife=dream stuff. She’s people, just like you.)

Examples of other’s experiences are not what you need.

Instead:
Start laying the groundwork for being a great husband BEFORE actually being one.

Talk to your priest about getting married in the church.
Get tested for std’s.
Get fit mentally and physically.
Protect your eyes. Never again allow them to do what they want. (Learn how to close them.)
Make new friends. Volunteering, helping and doing what’s right.

Just doing this will make her visible to you. Yes, she’s waiting for the new you.

 

[Mrchatsworth]

You “crave” a wife? and you have sexual purity issues?
You have disqualified yourself. But you can fix it.

 

[AdamP88]

God often finds mates of similar backgrounds for us.

Not sure what that’s about or if it’s even true.

 

[AdamP88]

I have been desperately craving a wife

This is your first problem. Women can smell desperation. And it’s a huge turnoff.

By the sound of things you need to stop “craving” a wife before you’ll be ready to be a husband. If you truly want to partake of the sacrament of marriage, you should start working on how to be a better person overall, and being happy without a partner. Get into some hobbies, focus on relationships with friends.

 

[Buks]

Give yourself time to get beyond the bad habits. You’re still fairly young but regardless, let at least a few seasons go by free of the worst of the habits before getting serious with a lady. Feel chaste as a positive rather than an avoidance of the negative, and support it with adequate rest and relaxation.

Of course you’re not disqualified. Our faith is about second chances.

 

[fhansen]

Well, I suppose you may not be sure. But I’ve seen it in my own life and in others. People who’ve had substance abuse backgrounds for example or physical abuse or other addictions or baggage. Or have similar personality traits is that they have to deal with. Or simply can relate to each other for one reason or another in both strengths and weaknesses. And due to that they can often accept and support / help each other

 

[Tecnologgamer]

1.) Nope.
2.)Yes. (But I suggest you lose the wife=dream stuff. She’s people, just like you.)

Examples of other’s experiences are not what you need.

Instead:
Start laying the groundwork for being a great husband BEFORE actually being one.

Talk to your priest about getting married in the church.
Get tested for std’s.
Get fit mentally and physically.
Protect your eyes. Never again allow them to do what they want. (Learn how to close them.)
Make new friends. Volunteering, helping and doing what’s right.

Just doing this will make her visible to you. Yes, she’s waiting for the new you.

I use the same words, you need to ordenate yourself before find a wife.
It’s will be hard and have the surely that you won’t will one day, unlike our conversation to be worth
to go to Heaven. And to do this all of this the first thing that you will need is constantly pray because withouth God allow you cannot will be able to do this even for a month, specially because this need spiritual transformation.

Also, wife = duty
family = more duty

Even find the girl from you dreams, it’s still a heaven duty and the marriage only can work nowday if you choose to want, not expect from others that the marriage problem will solve for themself.

 

[Norseman82]

I’m not one of those people who believe that one has to cure all of his problems before marriage, otherwise there would be no marriages. The Bible does say that if a man cannot exercise self-control, he should marry, and that everyone should have their own spouse to avoid immorality (1 Cor. 7). Additionally , as far as “cravings” are concerned, it is natural; in fact, St. Paul in 1 Timothy 5 says that younger widows should marry because otherwise their passions will estrange them from Christ (in other words, the cure to “cravings” is indeed marriage, contrary to what many secular people would say).

I don’t think you missed your “window”, but I do think you wasted a chunk of your life and are “behind schedule”. Additionally, you may have “closed the door” to some possible people to marry.

That being said…

As far as the question as to whether you are “disqualified” - I think that is more of a question as to whether your problems rise to the level of addiction that would make you incapable of consent, and thus constitute a “canonical impediment”. We cannot answer that question here, as that is more properly answered by a Catholic priest and/or therapist (nobody thus far that has answered is either of those, although 1ke is a canon lawyer and pretty much said the same). If you still have some of the above to confess, mentioning this in your next confession would be a good first step.

 

[Brett1980]

Dear I-Need-Hope-2020,

You may find it comforting to note that from what I’ve read recently Pope Francis himself considers the “sins of the flesh” as less important, and sins like “pride” as more important. Many people in modern western culture want to get married later from my understanding. By all means I totally disagree with any comments on this thread that you need to be perfect or improve yourself spiritually “in order to get a wife” (although turning away from sin is important for god). I would suggest keep going to church, exercise (with weights if possible) and put yourself out there.

Cheers

 

[CathoRick]

1.) Do you think god views me as disqualified from meeting someone, falling in love, and getting married, and as a result, will not help me to make that happen?

As long as you aren’t seriously repentant, I see no reason why God would will a relationship for you right now. It’s unlikely that a chaste woman would pull you out of that addiction, but rather, you’d drag her down with you, and her only reasonable option would be to let go. So yes, you’re disqualifying yourself in doing these acts.

2.) Have any of you, or someone you know, been in a similar situation, only to then be blessed with the spouse of their dreams?

No, but I know of many couples who have divorced for reasons including porn use. If you do meet the woman of your dreams, that should be encouragement enough to reform yourself. Else, you’ll lack the courage to ask her out and, more importantly, keep her interested.

 

[Peeps]

Pornography is an addiction. And it CAN be overcome with the right therapy and lots of work by the addicted person! It’s not easy, and it will be a lifetime effort. Please seek out treatment, not just prayers and counselling, but ONGOING TREATMENT, for your pornography addiction.

Just as people become addicted to alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, gambling, etc., they can also become addicted to pornography.

You would never want enter into a marriage if you had an un-treated addiction to alcohol, drugs, or gambling, right? These addictions make it almost impossible for a couple to live a normal, happy life, if for no other reason, because they affect the behavior of the addicted person.

(Many people do manage to be married even if one or both of them is addicted to cigarettes because this doesn’t affect behavior in obvious ways. But it is still a deal-breaker for many non-smokers.)

Pornography is an addiction that costs a lot of money, which definitely affects a marriage! Unless the couple is wealthy, the cost of pornography will remove a major chunk of couple’s budget.

Pornography is an addiction that is harmful to children, so it is difficult for a couple to raise a family in a home where one of the parents is addicted to pornography.

Pornography is an addiction that constantly demands more explicit and shocking material to get the same arousal affect. People become immune (can’t get aroused) by pornographic material that once excited them.

Pornography effects the real-life sex life–an addicted person has a difficult time becoming/staying aroused by their spouse.

Pornography causes the addicted person to live in constant fear of being “caught” or discovered. If the addicted person is using any kind of illegal pornography (e.g., material involving children), they also fear public exposure and incarceration/fines, and permanent labeling as a sex offender, which forbids them involvement with many community activities.

Pornography destroys faith and church life. A person who is addicted to pornography feels like a hypocrite, and often ends their church involvement for many reasons. The addicted person has a difficult time being friends with church people, as they feel they are constantly “covering up” an addiction that they don’t want anyone to know about (and many church people don’t know how to handle it when someone tells them about a porn addiction). The addicted person finds themselves questioning God’s existence and love, as they wonder why God doesn’t “cure” them of their addiction.

PLEASE GET TREATMENT! It does work, and you will then be free of the effects of this addiction. Also please continue being vigilant once you have successfully ended your association with porn. Like any addiction, it can come back into your life–be ever-vigilant and continue whatever treatment is necessary.

Please do not seek out a wife until you are free of pornography addiction.

God bless you as you work towards a non-addicted life!

 

[Werbenjagermenjensen]

Many of those women in massage parlors are not exactly there of their own free will. You don’t want to be the sort of person who contributes to organized crime and human trafficking. That should be more of a concern than whether you’ve received a DQ from ever finding a chaste wife.

 

[Legend]

First…Stop hating yourself! Remember that God loves you, has his own perfect plan for you, and is more than willing to lead you out of sin, and into His perfect, virtuous plan for your life. He won’t force anything on you…but honest prayer, on your part will meet him at least halfway. He doesn’t want you to perish; he’s there to help you. Ask him, in your prayers.

Try not to think so much of your sin. Think of other things. Develop new interests. As much as possible, stay away from the very places that have led you into sin!

Stop thinking, or at least focusing on, marriage, your ‘perfect’ woman, etc. God is the one who saves us from sin; although it feels like a good woman in your life would be ‘an answer to prayer’ , you must work on yourself, before you think of offering yourself to a good woman, in marriage. Try not to anticipate God’s answer; He may have other paths in store for you, before you are ready for marriage. This may be hard to accept, but women have life problems, sins, things they must work on…you owe it to yourself, and any woman in your life, not to expect her to take you on as a ‘project’. While you will never be perfect in this life, try to have yourself at least on the way to defeating your sexual sins, before seeking a spouse…remember, she’s not perfect, either, and has much to work out, for herself.

I also agree with the others…you do need to have professional help. Start with your priest; he most likely , has the names of good counselors and therapists, who have experience, and success with people with problems similar to yours.

Keep in mind that, although serious, your issues have been experienced by many others, and, if they have sincerely asked priests, counselors, and therapists for help, most have had some success. No sin is too terrible for God to forgive. Confess your sins, and He will be ‘faithful and just to forgive them’. He promises this in his word. And He does not lie!

So, pray, ask for forgiveness, and, as soon as you can, contact your priest. Given the COVID and social distancing, it may take a while. You can help yourself by reading His Word, praying, and focusing on things not related to your sin. Again, don’t hate yourself. Work on yourself, in ways that might help you to see yourself as God sees you. A flawed, but dearly beloved creation, that he wants to see become happy, productive, and living the best life possible.

Oh…distance yourself as much as possible from anything that may lead you back into sin. Get rid of any pictures, books, videos, etc. that have tempted you. When going online, have an idea of what sites you wish to visit. And the subjects you want to research. Aimless ‘surfing’ often can lead you to places you should be trying to avoid, so know where you’re going!

Prayers, best wishes, and God Bless! May your journey out of these sins be a short-but permanent-one

Again…God Bless you! And, remember…He loves you, and wishes the best for you.

 

[AdamP88]

I’m not one of those people who believe that one has to cure all of his problems before marriage, otherwise there would be no marriages.

Nobody said you have to cure ALL your problems. But there are some major things that it would be advisable to get under control before considering marriage.

The Bible does say that if a man cannot exercise self-control, he should marry, and that everyone should have their own spouse to avoid immorality (1 Cor. 7). Additionally , as far as “cravings” are concerned, it is natural; in fact, St. Paul in 1 Timothy 5 says that younger widows should marry because otherwise their passions will estrange them from Christ (in other words, the cure to “cravings” is indeed marriage, contrary to what many secular people would say).

It’s not as simple as that though. St. Thomas Aquinas does indeed state that one purpose of marriage is the reduction of concupiscence. But that is not taking into account psychological issues or issues of addiction that will cause issues in marriage. Nobody is suggesting that someone entering into marriage should be a perfect, well rounded individual. But there are two people in marriage and you must also consider that an overly strong sexual desire must be tamed no matter what state of life you’re in. Even in marriage, you don’t have access to sex 27/7, and indeed, you might need to abstain. It’s much too simplistic to just say “well marriage is supposed to be to keep lust at bay”.

 

[Sarcelle]

It’s much too simplistic to just say “well marriage is supposed to be to keep lust at bay”.

It’s also downright false to say that.

There are many married men who have an addiction to porn and married men have also availed themselves the service of a prostitute.

Marriage does not cure a sexual disorder.