Disqualified From Finding a Wife?

[I-Need-Hope_2020]

Thank you to any of you that have offered prayers for me since I began this thread. I feel like they really helped. Thankfully, it has been 23 days since my last act of sexual sin. I’m returning to this forum however, because over the past few days, temptation is beginning to come on very strong again. I desperately want to keep breaking away from this sin, but I’m worried I could fall again very soon. Up until the past few days, I had felt some minor temptations here and there, but nothing major. But now, they’re becoming very intense again, to the point where I can’t even look at an attractive woman, even if she is dressed in a completely modest manner, without feeling a surge of testosterone run through me. Its getting to the point where it’s starting to consume me, no matter how much I try to think about something else, or do something else. And before anyone asks, between pre-mass prayes this morning, follwed by watching and participating in a televised version of the chaplet of the divine mercy directly before mass, followed by watching and participating in a televised mass itself, I spent about 2 consecutive hours today with the lord. And even with all that, I still feel so tempted, and very weak. I’m at the point right now where I’ve been so many times over the years, where its been 2-3 weeks clean, but soon after I wind up falling, and then with the fall comes the binge, which then brings me back to square one. And I really, really don’t want to go through that again. So, I’m here to ask anybody out there that might be reading this, if you wouldn’t mind, to please offer some more prayers on my behalf. I can really use them. Thanks.

 

[Peeps]

And before anyone asks, between pre-mass prayes this morning, follwed by watching and participating in a televised version of the chaplet of the divine mercy directly before mass, followed by watching and participating in a televised mass itself, I spent about 2 consecutive hours today with the lord.

I’m going to suggest a time-honored way for people, especially men, to deal with their sexual temptations–PHYSICAL WORK!!! Even if you are not able to report to your job because you are laid off or your company is closed down, or even if you have a sedentary job that you do from a desk or countertop–when you are finished working or taking a break, do something OUTSIDE and very physical. If you have no lawn to care for, or a garage that needs cleaning–you can walk or run around the yard or in your neighborhood–that’s still allowed. Lift bricks or logs or rocks. Clean windows. Wash and detail your car. Throw a ball in the air and catch it over and over again. MARCH around and around the neighborhood and play some good lively music while your are marching, or sing! If there’s snow where you are, shovel it, or sweep it, or put salt or sand all over it, and then go do the same for your neighbors!

If you have children, play hard with them outside if possible. They’ll love it!

Do whatever you can that is physically tiring. Playing video games is not an option here. Practicing a musical instrument MIGHT be an option, especially if it’s something that requires a workout, like playing the drums, pipe organ, sousaphone, marimba, etc.!.

This is called “sublimation,” and it’s really effective at helping you to “turn off” your libido. First, it takes your mind off your arousal, especially if you are able to go outside. Second, it exhausts your body! Third, it gives you a sense of purpose and accomplishment–even if you’re just working out, Fourth, there is no sin in it (unless you drive your neighbors nuts!) Fifth–it’s fun and wholesome, and takes your mind and soul into light and God’s creation and out of the dark pit of your unfulfilled sexual passions and temptations.

Men (and women) have turned to “sublimation” for decades, centuries, to quiet their passions. Try it! Have fun!

 

[DivineMercy01]

2.) Have any of you, or someone you know, been in a similar situation, only to then be blessed with the spouse of their dreams?

Actually I do know of a very well-known Catholic speaker in the Phoenix area who lived a very promiscuous/partying lifestyle for 31 years. Long story short, he had his “Saint Paul moment” at 31 and met his wife in his late 30s. They got married just a few years ago and now have two kids.

After hearing his testimony, I think the key to his healing was repentance. He was truly sorry for his sins and did everything he could to turn his life around.

I don’t think God views anyone as “disqualified” from finding their vocation simply based on their past life. We have a lot of saints who committed grave sins prior to their conversion.

However, you mention in your post that you are falling deeper into sexual sin, which is something I would recommend anyone repent of and remove from their life before pursuing a woman. That being said, I urge you to do whatever it is to remove the addiction from your life. Go to counseling. Seek spiritual direction. Get accountability software (such as Covenant Eyes) on your devices if you need to.

 

[RolandThompsonGunner]

It’s not weird that you feel desire for attractive women. It’s completely normal. That said:

You seem to think there is some magical woman out there who is going to fix all your issues simply by her perfection. There isn’t. Any woman you end up with is going to be a fallen human being, just like you. She’ll almost certainly have committed sexual sins in her life too.

You need to focus on becoming the kind of guy that a woman would want to marry. Instead of sitting around kicking yourself for your sins, get out of the house. Get your career humming if it’s not already. Get in shape if you’re not already. Be social. If you’re sitting at home on your computer, depressed and lonely, of course you’re going to fall back into pornography.

You can’t just expect Ms. Perfection to descend from on high and magically make everything better. You gotta do some serious work on yourself. And accept that any woman you do end up with is going to be a flesh and blood human being with her own faults and failings, not an idealized fantasy.

 

[AdamP88]

get out of the house.

Yes but not until the lockdown is over.

 

[IfeanyiChukwu]

To add to the excellent advise of many posters of this topic, I highly recommend committing to a daily Rosary, and praying specifically for the grace of purity, among other things. I feel that is an efficacious way of detachment from these sins, if one is willing to commit to those 15 minutes per day.

 

[Sky365dt]

My friend,

I’ve read both your posts so far. As many people on here (bless their souls they are very thoughtful and caring) might know, I am no expert on relationships. One thing I do know is the difficulty of breaking free of pornography and sexual sin.

This is called “sublimation,” and it’s really effective at helping you to “turn off” your libido. First, it takes your mind off your arousal, especially if you are able to go outside. Second, it exhausts your body! Third, it gives you a sense of purpose and accomplishment–even if you’re just working out, Fourth, there is no sin in it (unless you drive your neighbors nuts!) Fifth–it’s fun and wholesome, and takes your mind and soul into light and God’s creation and out of the dark pit of your unfulfilled sexual passions and temptations.

This is a very helpful practice. I will recommend on top of this something that Jason Evert taught me at the first Steubenville conference I ever attended (I would HIGHLY recommend you check out his ministry, he may talk to younger people by his message is not bound to a certain age group). This lesson by the way, pray for the people that are the subject of your sexual temptations. Whether they be the women of pornography, someone specific, or a a woman passing on the street it does not matter. I will tell you right now, this will change your life. Every time you are tempted, say a short prayer for the woman’s well being thanking the Lord for her beauty and praying for her protection from objectification. If you stick to this, eventually you won’t want to view women in a negative light.

Also, offer up your sexual desires to the Lord and ask for him to purify them and make them right. Remember that nothing He has created is bad, it is just privation or misalignment of the good. Your desires are no different, they just need to be realigned to what he made them for.

As was previously stated, pray rosaries all the time, even if you do not feel like you have the energy. Offer them up for chastity and have your intention on your mind with every one of those 50 Hail Mary prayers. Do two rosaries consecutively if that is what it takes. And do not despair, no temptation is ever impossible to face with God in your corner, and realize that every woman you meet has a value beyond which we can even comprehend that needs to be recognized and cherished.

This is the link to one of his talks, I’m not sure it is the exact one I mean to give to you, but watch several of his videos. What could be even more helpful is that his wife comes from a background of sexual sin and he may share some very valuable insights. God bless and you will be in my prayers.

 

[Norseman82]

I never said that though. And I would suspect the craving is somewhat linked to the porn use.

Adam, in a previous post you stated:

By the sound of things you need to stop “craving” a wife before you’ll be ready to be a husband.

Also:

Oh…come…on. Are you serious. I was taking your points seriously. Then I saw this. I’m honestly not even sure what you mean by it but I would love to know how you think this is the case.
Nothing I’ve said is at odds with any aspect of Church teaching. I’m a married catholic, who delivers marriage prep to catholic couples. I’m at a loss to see how I’ve been duped by boomer feminists.

This might be before your time, but the “boomer feminists” are the ones who were pushing the garbage to women who wanted a family life that “you don’t need a husband and kids to have a fulfilled life”. Like the one quote “a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle”. In other words, they criticized women who had “cravings”.

 

[Norseman82]

Her husband should be involved with this process, though–he can’t just expect the doc to hand his wife a pill or two and turn her back into an angel.

No, the doctor will probably give the pills to the husband (to help him cope) (for those of you who know the “All in the Family” reference).

 

[Norseman82]

I am talking about a porn addiction.

I seriously doubt that Paul was recommending marriage as a cure for porn addiction.

Marriage does not cure a porn addiction.

Obviously, taken with other biblical / Church teachings, this assumes that one does not have any canonical impediments (such as divorce), and I did mention in a prior post that he should seek counseling to see if it rose to the level that it would constitute an impediment to Catholic marriage.

However, I was more thinking in general of your assertion:

AdamP88:

It’s much too simplistic to just say “well marriage is supposed to be to keep lust at bay”.

It’s also downright false to say that.

I’m sorry, but the Bible clearly says otherwise.

 

[Baho]

I’m probably going to ruffle some feathers by suggesting a secular book as the starting point, but I’m assuming that you already read the Bible and pray regularly. I think you should read 12 Rules for Life by Jordan Peterson, man. It could really help you re-orient yourself toward God and away from sin right now, I think. The rules I think you could pay particular attention to right now are:

Rule 1: Stand up straight with your shoulders back
Rule 2: Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping
Rule 7: Pursue what is meaningful (not what is expedient)

 

[Peeps]

I’m sorry, but the Bible clearly says otherwise.

I think you’'re taking a few verses out of context.

If you have time, read the story of King David. I realize that polygamy was acceptable back then, but look at the reason why David pursued additional brides. Lust.

 

[AdamP88]

I’m sorry, but the Bible clearly says otherwise.

No. The bible says that one of the advantages of marriage is that it “helps” keep lust at bay. Your primary method of dealing with lust should be in place before you marry and should be independent of your wife. You have to be able to manage strong sexual desire because there will be periods in marriage where your spouse won’t be available for sex.

 

[Norseman82]

I think you’'re taking a few verses out of context.

1 Cor. 7:2 “But to avoid immoralitry, every man should have his own wife, and every woman her own husband” (yes, he says it’s a concession and not a command, but he realizes human reality).

1 Cor 7:9 “if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. It is better to marry than to be on fire”.

1 Timothy 5:11,14: “Refuse to enroll the younger widows, for when their passions estrange them from Christ they will want to marry. (skipping the part about going from house to house gossiping) That is why I should like to see the younger ones marry, have children, keep house, and in general give our enemies no occasion to speak ill of us”.

Seems pretty clear to me.

 

[Norseman82]

No. The bible says that one of the advantages of marriage is that it “helps” keep lust at bay. Your primary method of dealing with lust should be in place before you marry and should be independent of your wife. You have to be able to manage strong sexual desire because there will be periods in marriage where your spouse won’t be available for sex.

St. Paul also touched on that subject when he warns spouses to not deprive each other except for a temporary period of time for prayer, and recognizes that deprivation may lead to temptation. (1 Cor. 7:5).

St. Paul was a realist.

 

[Norseman82]

Everyone: the purpose of what I’m posting is simply to counter false premises. I believe the discussion should focus on what I referred to earlier in my original response to the OP, which is whether his problems rise to the level of an addiction that leads to a canonical impediment to Catholic marriage. Again, he needs to discuss this with a priest and counselor.

OP, there were some very good posts to aid you in your battle, including a good question about whether you lived alone (since living in a family / accountability partner situation may aid you in staying away from it). Also, there was a thread created by a woman who was distressing about her husband’s porn usage, and I think the saddest part was where she referred to how he expected her to do “sinful things” in the act. I’ll have to find it (unless someone else finds it before me and posts it), but if you care about your future wife, please take it to heart.

 

[AdamP88]

St. Paul also touched on that subject when he warns spouses to not deprive each other except for a temporary period of time for prayer, and recognizes that deprivation may lead to temptation. (1 Cor. 7:5).

St. Paul was a realist.

St. Paul wasn’t referring to specific things like not being able to have sex because your wife just gave birth and has stitches down there. Or long-term abstinence for other medical reasons. Yes, that function does exist in marriage. But it’s not recognised as one of the main purposes of marriage.

 

[Norseman82]

But it’s not recognised as one of the main purposes of marriage.

Confused - are you saying that sex is not recognized as one of the main purposes of marriage? If that is what you are saying, that’s is 100 million percent wrong. As I was taught, the sexual act is the difference between a man and woman living as husband and wife as opposed to brother and sister. Additionally, a marriage is not fully valid until “ratum et consummatum est” - the “consummatum” being the sexual act.

 

[AdamP88]

No. I’m saying that the prevention of lust is not one of the main purposes of marriage. That said, I’m not sure you could rightly say that sex is a “purpose” of marriage.

 

[Dedios]

The window of opportunity to marry is still open for you. I didn’t meet and marry my wife until I was in my late 30’s. She wasn’t my dream girl, but she was the right girl. I met my dream girl after we were married – many times over in the 34 years we’ve been married.

Marriage is more than love, it’s also about life; the sort of life you can have together. Don’t expect married love to satisfy your lustful desires; it won’t. A priest once told me that if you have trouble with masturbation find yourself a girlfriend, I know it sounds counter intuitive, but having a girlfriend gives you a sense of belonging. That sense of belonging can meet a lot of the needs that manifest themselves in your sexual cravings.

In the meantime, you’re doing the right thing in Mass and prayer. St Francis de Sales, I think it was, said that it’s not in achieving perfection that we attain Heaven but in striving towards that perfection. You seem to be striving. Keep it up. Heaven awaits.

In the meantime, join a Catholic social club. You never know who you’ll meet there. That’s what I did.