Disqualified From Finding a Wife?

[Elf01]

It’s also downright false to say that.

There are many married men who have an addiction to porn and married men have also availed themselves the service of a prostitute.

Marriage does not cure a sexual disorder.

Not to mention that it’s objectifying your spouse.

 

[Mrchatsworth]

very confused by your post. The vast majority of people I know are not common struggle background couples. And it seems those couples have huge problems. In this case since you know the OP struggles with chastity and purity are you suggesting he be on the lookout for a person with similar demons?

The Question here also is not just what does the OP “deserve” in a wife, but what does a wife deserve in him being a husband. I would hope she deserves someone who does not struggle with sexual issues prior to marriage. She deserves a faithful husband that can help her achieve heaven and her do the same for him. She deserves to “crave” a Holy man. A man of fidelity and self control.
The OP needs to be that man. It isn’t all about him and what he thinks he craves. But about what she (a woman we don’t know yet) deserves as well.

 

[Batman2.0]

Please do not fall into despair or think that God won’t bless you with a spouse in the future. However, you must become the person God wants you to be before you meet your spouse. This includes giving up porn, discernment, prayer, etc. Good luck!

 

[fhansen]

Well, I’m sort of confused by your confusion. My posts have to do with how I’ve observed grace working in people’s lives. The OP fears/wonders if he’s disqualified from having a wife after years of struggling in a certain area of addiction. And I’m suggesting that God often turns our weaknesses into strengths, working, as it were it mysterious ways for those who turn to and and seek and love Him. If a person earnestly seeks God for answers, God will lead then to those answers. And the person isn’t at all disqualified from receiving-a wife in this case. In fact, he may be quite surprised to find just how God can work in such cases, bringing a person into his life who has just the right qualities and experiences to complement and address his own experiences, to the extent that they, as well, are open to Him. Where sin abounds grace abounds,. Have you experienced this? The people in our lives are more than just partners; we’re to be helpmates, not only in mundane matters, but ultimately and primarily for the purpose of helping each other gain entrance into God’s kingdom. He uses people, for His purposes. And all people are sinners.

 

[27lw]

A question for the OP: do you live by yourself? Is there any way to add accountability to your life? A religious guy as a roommate? Somebody who might be a friend, and who might say “hey where are you going?”
Possible to live with a family member? It sounds like you could use some help or an observant eye on you. Because you seem to care about appearances, and maybe that would help you break that cycle.

 

[Peeps]

I also agree with the others…you do need to have professional help. Start with your priest; he most likely , has the names of good counselors and therapists, who have experience, and success with people with problems similar to yours.

This is good! Thanks for posting this. Priests would also have an idea of costs, which might be an issue here, although it’s possible that the cost of the porn could be exchanged for the cost of a good counselor and/or addiction program.

 

[Jzeajules]

I’m a young catholic and I understand what your going through, If you would like to talk I’m here for you

 

[poche]

If you are free to marry I don’t think these are impediments to your getting married. Why not make a novena to the Blessed Virgin for a Catholic wife.

 

[Norseman82]

Nobody said you have to cure ALL your problems. But there are some major things that it would be advisable to get under control before considering marriage.

The problem is that too many people simply state that a strong desire for marriage means that one is not ready to be married and they propose this absurd notion that unless one is ready to be alone for the rest of his/her life, one is not ready to be married. That is as absurd as a doctor saying to a person with cancer “Until you are willing to die from cancer, I will withhold the lifesaving chemotherapy”. In fact, you yourself replied in response to only the snippet about “craving” a wife (without any mention of the porn use, which I addressed):

I-Need-Hope_2020:

I have been desperately craving a wife

This is your first problem. Women can smell desperation. And it’s a huge turnoff.

By the sound of things you need to stop “craving” a wife before you’ll be ready to be a husband. If you truly want to partake of the sacrament of marriage, you should start working on how to be a better person overall, and being happy without a partner. Get into some hobbies, focus on relationships with friends.

You’re being duped by the anti-marriage radical feminist garbage from the 1960s/1970s.

 

[Norseman82]

It’s also downright false to say that.

There are many married men who have an addiction to porn and married men have also availed themselves the service of a prostitute.

Marriage does not cure a sexual disorder.

Not to mention that it’s objectifying your spouse.

Then please explain why St. Paul explicitly wrote in 1 Cor. 7 about “better to marry than to burn” and “to avoid immorality, everyone should have their own spouse”, as well as his desire for young widows to remarry due to their passions.

 

[AdamP88]

The problem is that too many people simply state that a strong desire for marriage means that one is not ready to be married and they propose this absurd notion that unless one is ready to be alone for the rest of his/her life, one is not ready to be married.

I never said that though. And I would suspect the craving is somewhat linked to the porn use. You can crave the good in an unhealthy manner which leads to sin. There’s a difference between “a strong desire” for marriage and a desperate craving for marriage. The latter, mixed with porn use is what might suggest that a person isn’t ready for marriage, not the healthy desire. It’s also worth noting, that a mature adult will realise that a healthy desire for marriage, doesn’t always translate into a vocation for marriage. You also have to find a suitable match, and discern marriage together.

That is as absurd as a doctor saying to a person with cancer “Until you are willing to die from cancer, I will withhold the lifesaving chemotherapy”.

It’s not the same at all though. All I’m really saying is that maturity, especially in the area of sexuality, is important for marriage, or any vocation really. It’s no more or less than what Pope Benedict XVI said about priestly vocation.

Then please explain why…to remarry due to their passions.

It certainly doesn’t mean you can objectify your spouse. St. Paul was highlighting here, ONE of the secondary purposes of marriage, the calming of concupiscence, this is not the main reason for marriage and has never been seen by the Church as the main reason for marriage. It is an aspect, but very much secondary. You can’t just quote that one line from St. Paul with no context and use it as a justification for objectifying another human being. St. Paul also wrote:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Not to mention in all this that just because you’re married, doesn’t mean you will be capable of having sex for the whole duration of your marriage. Your wife might get hit by a car on your honeymoon and be in a coma for six months, how will you deal with your sex drive then? Or she could have a baby and need stitches so sex would be impossible for a few months. You have to be in control of it.

You’re being duped by the anti-marriage radical feminist garbage from the 1960s/1970s.

Oh…come…on. Are you serious. I was taking your points seriously. Then I saw this. I’m honestly not even sure what you mean by it but I would love to know how you think this is the case.
Nothing I’ve said is at odds with any aspect of Church teaching. I’m a married catholic, who delivers marriage prep to catholic couples. I’m at a loss to see how I’ve been duped by boomer feminists.

 

[Sarcelle]

Then please explain why St. Paul explicitly wrote in 1 Cor. 7 about “better to marry than to burn” and “to avoid immorality, everyone should have their own spouse”, as well as his desire for young widows to remarry due to their passions.

I am talking about a porn addiction.

I seriously doubt that Paul was recommending marriage as a cure for porn addiction.

Marriage does not cure a porn addiction.

 

[27lw]

But then what did St. Paul mean by “it’s better to marry than to burn?”
Doesn’t that state outright that he’s talking to people who don’t have control of their impulses? For people who are in danger of burning, it would be better to fulfill their desire through the marital act?
Also that whole “love is patient” passage, although that is commonly read at weddings, isn’t it about Christian love “charity” in general, for everyone? This isn’t intended specifically for our modern idea of romantic love, is it? In the biblical era, did they really have that idea of “romantic love” as we know it?

 

[Tis_Bearself]

But then what did St. Paul mean by “it’s better to marry than to burn?”

He meant that if you’re not reasonably capable of/ oriented towards being completely celibate, then you should get married. He didn’t mean that once you were married, you could have sex with your spouse willy-nilly all the time and forget about exercising control over your lust.

There’s a big difference between a person who doesn’t want to live a completely celibate life forever and wants a loving, intimate relationship with reasonable boundaries, understanding that at times one will be unable to engage in relations (such as when one person is sick, is very tired from work, is away for some necessary trip like business trip or family matter, etc), and a person who sees marriage as a way to indulge his sexual desire all the time. As someone who was married for a long time, there are going to be times in marriage when you’re not going to be having sex every day or maybe even for weeks or months, and you aren’t allowed to just go out and find somebody else to scratch that itch with or turn to a porn video.

 

[Peeps]

Doesn’t that state outright that he’s talking to people who don’t have control of their impulses? For people who are in danger of burning, it would be better to fulfill their desire through the marital act?

Are you a man?

I hope you realize that just because a husband desires sex with his wife, he doesn’t always get to have it. E.g., if a wife is having her period, for many women (including me), that’s a deal breaker–ick! And many women suffer from some measure of PMS–they are Jekyll much of the month, but Hyde for about 5 days before their period, and they definitely do NOT wish to have sex and are willing and capable of making their husbands quite miserable if their husband can’t get the message that during this time, his wife is QUEEN and he must obey!

I’m being a little facetious here, but not far off from the truth. Sex is not just something that a man can have at will. If there are children, it is often impossible to simple make love when you wish. If the wife works outside the home, she is often very very tired, and lovemaking is often the last thing on her mind, especially if she has to start her Second Job (cleaning, cooking, dishes, laundry, yardwork, shopping, childcare, etc.) when she gets home from work.

I do believe that a wise woman will learn how to say “yes” to her husband even if she herself is not inclined towards lovemaking, but it’s not always the easiest “yes,” and it often takes some time for a woman to learn this skill.

A man who has not broken his pre-marriage addiction to pornography will be very likely to turn to his old companions on screen/print when he is unable to enjoy sex with his wife. So a wise man will deal with his porn addiction and conquer it BEFORE he is married, and will be prepared to sacrifice for his wife, even if SHE is in the wrong.

Jesus was the model “Bridegroom,” and He gave His very Life for His Bride, the Church. This is a hard calling for any husband, but it is part of God’s plan for marriage between a man and woman.

 

[AdamP88]

they are Jekyll much of the month, but Hyde for about 5 days before their period, and they definitely do NOT wish to have sex and are willing and capable of making their husbands quite miserable if their husband can’t get the message that during this time, his wife is QUEEN and he must obey!

I understand you’re being facetious. I do often wonder though…How much of someone’s behaviour during/before their period is excusable. I often see men and women comment that they or their spouse is like “a weapon/a dragon/a bear with a sore head” before their period. At what point should a husband stop saying to himself “cut her some slack” and actually say “I’m not accepting this” regardless of the PMS.

 

[Peeps]

I understand you’re being facetious. I do often wonder though…How much of someone’s behaviour during/before their period is excusable. I often see men and women comment that they or their spouse is like “a weapon/a dragon/a bear with a sore head” before their period. At what point should a husband stop saying to himself “cut her some slack” and actually say “I’m not accepting this” regardless of the PMS.

If someone with cancer is crying in pain and incapable of getting out of their bed, would that be “unacceptable” to those they live with? Would they tell the ill one to “stop behaving so badly?”

I think not.

PMS is also a actual medical syndrome/condition–there are measurable parameters. Obviously, PMS is not cancer (far from it!), but It’s not just a “learned behavior” that can be unlearned or “sucked up.”

There are techniques and MEDICATIONS that can help women deal with PMS in a more positive way, but many women still struggle.

I have been married for over 40 years to the same wonderful man. I think I am qualified to say, “A wise man will do whatever needs to be done and said to help his wife through her PMS days.”

 

[AdamP88]

I’m not saying it’s not a real medical issue. But is there not a responsibility on the woman to manage this.

I’m not saying that the husband shouldn’t do his best to facilitate his wife during this time, but I do think there’s a limit and that the woman has a responsibility to know herself and take measures to not turn into some kind of monster at this time.

Especially if there’s kids involved. They have no responsibility to deal with their mother’s PMS.

 

[Peeps]

There are different “levels” of PMS, and some can produce a violent behavior.

Yes, a woman should work with a doctor to manage PMS. Her husband should be involved with this process, though–he can’t just expect the doc to hand his wife a pill or two and turn her back into an angel.

 

[AdamP88]

I’m not saying she should turn into an angel. But I very strongly believe that there is a line here and there is a point at which a husband can say “Hold on a second, I understand you are suffering but this behaviour is out of line.”
It’s not like this is a mental illness. There is some level of responsibility. And as Catholics are we not called to control our passions? How can virtue be attained if people just say “don’t mind her, it’s just PMS”>