Disrespectful 18 year old daughter

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MarthaSo

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Hi. I’ve been kind and loving and will continue to be. Today she dropped 2 F bombs on me and was disgracefully nasty.

She’s in school and works 2 days a week. When an 18 year old daughter does not stop her disrespectful behavior towards parents what do you do?

Counseling and my velvet glove approach did not work.

What do you do when your 18 year old daughter starts dropping the F bomb and calling you names??
We would be happy to do tough love, I just dont really know how.

Advice appreciated.
Thank you
 
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Ok thank you we told her if she doesn’t save enough from her check to uber she has to walk to work.
 
My husband wants her to stay with my sister for a while but i don’t know if my sister is ok with that. Do you think that’s like kicking her out? not a good idea?
 
What sparked the outburst? What are you fighting over?
 
Whatever you do, just don’t sink to her level (calling her names in return, speaking in anger).

It’s not fair, but she’ll remember those moments.

She’ll also remember your patience and fairness that were mercy to her, years later when she looks back. She may need to grow up a bit more before she sees it (living in the real world can help with that), but if you conduct yourself virtuously even when she’s being vicious, she’ll remember that.
 
I asked her to remove her hoodie in the house, just a habit. I asked her yesterday too and she did and when i reminded her this morning she flipped. I guess i won’t mention it again.
 
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If possible, send her to Franciscan University of Steubenville, University of Mary, or some other devoutly Catholic college.

That way, he will be influenced by good kids her age.

I know there are not easy solutions.

Godspeed and prayers your way
 
May I ask what you feel is wrong about wearing a hoodie in the house?

Was there something rude written on the hoodie? I’m assuming she was wearing a hoodie to keep warm. Is there a different article of clothing you could provide her that would meet her need to stay warm while meeting whatever your personal preferences are for how to dress under your roof?

Personally unless there were something rude written on the hoodie, or she was tightening the hood around her face just to aggravate you (and if that’s a conversation you’ve had before, about not wanting her to hide her face with a hood while in your house), I’m not sure I see why this is a battle worth choosing.
 
MarthaSo said:
just a habit we grew up with
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I’m not sure I understand what you mean.

Do you mean that when you were a child, hoodies existed but your mother told you not to wear them, so you grew up with the habit of avoiding hoodies, and you want to pass that habit-of-dress down to your daughter?

Or do you mean that you and your daughter have gotten into a habit of arguing over hoodies for some other reason (and if so, my question again is: why? What’s the specific reason you object to hoodies?)
 
Based on what happened here…

I would plainly and calmly tell her that the F word is not acceptable in your house. Tell her she’s free to use it elsewhere if she desires…she’s old enough to decide her language…but in your house, it’s not acceptable. This lets her know that you are only controlling her language where you have the right to while not forbidding her to use it ever…that’s up to her.

Second, I’m not sure why wearing a hoodie is a problem but I will remind you that she is currently experiencing a rage of hormones and will not always react rationally. I don’t know how well you remember that age but I remember getting set off when my mom even looked at me funny. How she lived through it was something I learned when my kids went through it, too! Often, they will even admit later that they have no idea why they lost their cool…it just happens.

I wouldn’t send her to your sister. She doesn’t need to deal with this unless she has volunteered to do so. Plus, it gives her the ability to play the back and forth residence game when she doesn’t get her way. He choice should be to live on her own or accept the house rules.

And do forgive her. She’s probably aware that she crossed the line. What she may not be aware of is that she isn’t mature enough yet to control those emotional moments. Perhaps, if she comes to you for an apology, you could also let her decide when she wants to wear a hoodie?
 
Thank you, that’s very kind and helpful. Ofcourse i will forgive her. I just never dropped the f bomb on my momma!
 
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No 18 year old wants or appreciates her mother micromanaging her down to if she wears a hoodie in the house, or not. I think you set her off with that.

Now, that doesn’t excuse the foul language. In my house, I allowed foul language if the situation warranted it (slamming a finger in the car door, breaking an expnsive piece of furniture through carelessnes, etc). Being triggered because mom made an unreasonable request wouldn’t have risen to that level, so I would not accept the pottie mouth in the situation you described.

18 year olds know they are legal adults, and they want the respect that might suggest. I would suggest being careful on advice you give and requests you make. Of course, to us older folks, 18 is still a baby. It is difficult, no doubt.

Bottom line, I would tell her if she wants to live with you, she needs to clean up her act. Spell it out for her, as far as what your expectations are. Nothing wrong with asking her to move on if she can’t abide by your house rules.

It is about basic respect, in both directions. If you let it slide now, it is going to probably get worse. Show respect, and expect respect. Both of you.
 
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I totally agree with Patty’s advice. I would add that when she does come to you to apologise, ask her why she thought it was acceptable to swear and be disrespectful. I would also ask her what she would do differently next time she gets angry about something you’ve said, to encourage her to think of more mature ways to express herself. Perhaps she will work out she needs to go and cool down before she can explain why she’s angry, for example. I would definitely ask her what triggered the outburst in the first place - like Patty says, does she think she should be able to wear a hoodie indoors? Try to find a solution together, so she feels heard and you can both agree.
 
You might gently remind her that it is a gift to her that you are paying for her schooling (if you are).
 
My husband and I both coincidentally grew up not wearing hats or hoodies indoors and our kids know since this little. I breezily reminded her today, not expecting what I got. Somethings bothering her. Other than basic respect and chores once a week there’s no micromanagement.
 
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