Disrespectful 18 year old daughter

  • Thread starter Thread starter MarthaSo
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I’ve had the same experience. “I told you so” feels a little antiquated, but I do use expressions that drive them nuts: “This is not up for discussion,” or for the younger one, “Asked and answered.”

Indulging them in their demands for explanations invites them to challenge any boundaries you set. It’s the same with adults, actually. I don’t tell pushy salespeople my reasons for not wanting to buy something.
 
I think it’s a good idea for her to stay with your sister. Or any other relative for a while. She needs to form her identity apart from you and feel more independent.
 
TheHolyTrinity said:
It is not about a single episode presented in this thread. Martha mentioned that their 18 year old daughter goes and lives with the OP’s sister. This indicates that Martha and her husband are experiencing significant longterm and non-relenting issues with their daughters behaviour in the home
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I personally don’t recall other threads on that daughter specifically, but if you’re implying that the daughter is abusing OP because she lives separately…it doesn’t make much sense at all. It could mean that the daughter is unhappy with something outside of the family and the parents want to give her some space OR she simply likes Aunt and can talk to her better (again I don’t know the details). I believe OP has generally been in the blues from what I recall, from going to work and having a new baby (am I mixing her up with someone else). It seems like a stressed and emotional household in general, but OP may not want to elaborate further.

Any information about domestic violence is helpful for anyone here who may need it including OP, but implying her daughter is an abuser based on such information when OP said she will no longer be replying is a tad unfair tbh.
 
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Thank you for your kind reply Lea.

My understanding is that the OP’s daughter is still living under her roof. You are right it could be that her daughter is unhappy in her current living situation. She did state that she is quite clear that she doesn’t bully her children. I feel for the OP in her current situation.

I wasn’t aware that the OP was no longer involved in the thread. Went back and found that post. Thank you for letting me know.
 
TheHolyTrinity said:
It is easy to mock and ridicule what I have written, perhaps you and others have not experienced or have been exposed to domestic violence - it is a real and hidden reality for many people around the world and on this forum. I am sure Martha will let me know if I am off ball with providing some information in helping her and her husband to identify clearly if she is acturally experiencing Child on Parent Violence. I am acutely aware that this is a very sensitive subject for the OP and perhaps others too.
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I think where you’re losing people is the idea that OP is describing violence. Cursing at someone is not violence. It’s certainly rude and not an acceptable way to talk to ones parents, but it’s not violence that would allow the police to be involved.
 
Roland thanks for your response, I will not further explain myself beyond what I have already mentioned in my previous posts. Pax Christi. THT
 
MarthaSo said:
Hi. I’ve been kind and loving and will continue to be. Today she dropped 2 F bombs on me and was disgracefully nasty.

She’s in school and works 2 days a week. When an 18 year old daughter does not stop her disrespectful behavior towards parents what do you do?

Counseling and my velvet glove approach did not work.

What do you do when your 18 year old daughter starts dropping the F bomb and calling you names??
We would be happy to do tough love, I just dont really know how.

Advice appreciated.
Thank you
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When our daughter was about 15 we had a similar problem with complete disrespect and overt rejection of the rules. She informed us she would be in her room with the door closed chatting up her friends (which included adult males).

We simply told her that no, she was going to obey the house rules and help around the house, look for a job etc…She replied we couldn’t make her.

So we removed the door from her room (it was an upstairs bedroom so she still had privacy, but not secrecy). What we basically said was my house my rules. If you don’t like it and don’t comply we are going up the authority chain and if the nice lady at the police department who handles spitting teenage girls has to come and remove you, that’s what’s going to happen.

Problem solved. And at 32 she sees that this was necessary, and we have a very respectful and loving relationship.

Laying down the law firmly will only hurt for a short time.
 
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Please allow me to be the only one who puts words in mouth. I never assumed that she is on drugs. I also never suggested that anyone rush and do anything.

I did rightly point out that that drug abuse has reached epidemic proportions. I also correctly stated mood and personality changes are signs of drug abuse. There are, of course, other signs which may or may not be present. This thread is about more than a daughter who talked back to her mother.
Tis_Bearself said:
And it’s pretty ridiculous and insulting for you to assume based on the girl dropping a couple of f bombs that she might be on drugs and rush to search her room. As others pointed out, that’s likely to just cause more problems for this family and would likely just encourage the girl to decide her parents are toxic and maybe try to move out. It also sounds like some sort of Tipper Gore exaggeration. “You talked back to your mom, you must be on drugs!” Just plain imprudent and overreaction.
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Or swear back at her. It will make things interesting, and you can have a good laugh about it later.
 
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