Disrespectful 18 year old daughter

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She’s 18. She’s legally an adult. Legally, you no longer have to feed or shelter her. You can legally kick her out. Seriously. I think you’d have to give her 30 days’ notice but maybe starting the eviction process will wake her up. Having said that, she is an adult and the dynamics with an adult child are different than with a minor child. You could try having a discussion about boundaries. Bottom line, your house, your rules. And, after 18 years, it should be clear that you love her. When my son turned 18, he was doing things we didn’t approve of. We told him if that’s the life he chooses to live, he can go live it somewhere else. He chose to move out. He’s 24 now, married (in the Church) and we’re letting them stay with us so they can save money for their own place. We have some ground rules (much less now that they’re married) and we respect their space. I think things are working out really well. I shared that last part only because I wanted to illustrate that giving your adult child that choice doesn’t mean it’s going to ruin your relationship. Biblical reference? Jesus tossed out people who were disrespecting His Father’s House, too.
 
Yeah she reminds me she’s not attending after this semester and will just work which is fine as long as she works full time and contributes.
 
I wouldn’t kick her out over this stuff. To mex kicking out should be reserved for substance abuse and the like.

Is something bothering her? Maybe she is nervous because she is taking a break from her formal education?

Maybe since she is 18 you could allow her to choose whether or not to wear a hoodie? I get colder than those around me so often wear a hoodie and sometimes even a hat indoors, so maybe there is something I am not getting about this.

If you listen to the More 2 Life show or podcast, he explains this really well: if a person is blowing up, then that is not the time to talk with them. Talk with them later when things are calm.

Talk about strategies, etc., and get a commitment. He is usually talking about married people and says if the spouse is unwilling to talk or carry through, it is time for counseling.

She may just be having trouble handling some issues in her life–college or not, friends going away or coming back from college, a problem with a friend–and not really know how to handle these things.
 
While it’s not okay for someone to use cuss words at a parent, I don’t really get the prohibition on hats or hoodies in the house. She may have felt cold. I frequently wear a hat or a hoodie in my house if I feel a little chilly or just because it’s a comfortable thing to wear. Many people do.

This girl is a legal adult, even if she’s not reached the point of being able to move out. I would suggest you not sweat the small stuff and not be giving her unnecessary orders. If the worst thing she does in your house is wear a hoodie or hat sometimes, I should think you’d be able to live with that. It’s not something that’s going to really get in anyone’s way.
 
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It’s just something we’ve done since childhood, they know no hats/hoodies in the house. She’s happily removed it i the past when I reminded her. She was upset at something, it’s really not about the hoodie. I’m going by my gut here.
My husband and I grew up coincidentally none of us allowed to wear hats or hoodies inside the house, apparently it might be a cultural thing since quite a few folks seem surprised at this.
But I can guarantee folks it’s more than the hoodie.
And yes, I’ll stop mentioning it to her.
And she’s been fine with our reminders of house rules in the past without throwing a fit, like washing your own dishes.
We barely have rules except respect and chores once a week.
I actually gently reminded her, not ordered her. But going forward since she’s dealing with stuff I’ll just let that go.

Thanks everyone .
 
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Regarding the hoodie all since that seems to be of concern.

It’s just something we’ve done since childhood, they know no hats/hoodies in the house. She’s happily removed it i the past when I reminded her. She was upset at something, it’s really not about the hoodie. I’m going by my gut here.
My husband and I grew up coincidentally none of us allowed to wear hats or hoodies inside the house, apparently it might be a cultural thing since quite a few folks seem surprised at this.
But I can guarantee folks it’s more than the hoodie.
And yes, I’ll stop mentioning it to her.
And she’s been fine with our reminders of house rules in the past without throwing a fit and cursing us out, like washing your own dishes.
We barely have rules except respect and chores once a week.
I actually gently reminded her, not ordered her. But going forward since she’s dealing with stuff I’ll just let that go.

Thanks everyone for all of your advice.
 
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She is 18.

You can set house ground rules that are the condition of living in your home if you choose to. She is an adult.

What I would do is work on communication and come to an understanding of mutual respect.
 
Honestly, is that a hill worth fighting on? She is an adult. As long as she is not nude at the dining table or wearing something that would scandalize her siblings, let her make.her clothing choices.
 
You’re right, I shouldn’t have mentioned to take off the hoody, even good naturedly. It’s just never been a problem before. It’s been a house rule since they were little.
 
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I know at times when I feel down or anxious, even in summer, I like the cozy feeling of a hoodie. I’m also really into large shawls and wraps. Maybe your daughter would appreciate the gift of some cuddly sweaters, warm slippers, a very snuggly blanket?
 
MarthaSo said:
I asked her to remove her hoodie in the house, just a habit. I asked her yesterday too and she did and when i reminded her this morning she flipped. I guess i won’t mention it again.
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I hate to say it but reminding her three times, especially after she complied the last time (according to the above), sounds like nagging, to me.

At 18, she isn’t a child, anymore. In most states, girls are considered adults at 18. She may resent your treating her like a child by continuing to remind her, over and over. It may sound insulting to her, like you don’t give her credit for having the intelligence to know to remove her hoodie in the house.

I will relay to you a similar incident with my own mother – and I was in my 30s at the time. We were in a public restroom, with another lady present. As I exited the stall, I was headed straight for the wash basins. I had every intention of washing my hands. Mama didn’t need to remind me. Nonetheless, she blurted out, “Wash your hands,” in the presence and earshot of this other lady. I was so humiliated I couldn’t speak.

I think a little more thoughtfulness on your part might help with this. Next time you feel inclined to remind of something she already knows about, wait and see if she actually does it on her own. If not, then you would be justified reminding her again. But you might find she’ll do it without being reminded.

Nagging isn’t pleasant, and most people resent it.

Just saying …
 
No, you should not reward her bad behavior by letting her live elsewhere. She would probably like that.

The bottom line is that she is 18 now. You have no obligation legally to her. She needs to be told the house rules, including no disrespect towards you and your husband. If she wont follow the rules, she is free to leave. You aren’t kicking her out, she is making the choice.
 
MarthaSo said:
It’s just something we’ve done since childhood, they know no hats/hoodies in the house.
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Just my two cents here. A lot of her rebellion might be tied to the idea that she is becoming an adult and these childhood rules are rubbing her the wrong way: if an adult came to your house would you also insist that they remove their hat or hoodie? Either way her language and disrespect towards you is not acceptable. I think the advice you got from some people here is quite good. Kicking her out would be too extreme a reaction if you ask me so I’d say ignore that advice. I hope things will improve in the future.
 
I should have mentioned yesterday she was also in a mood early in the morning and disrespectful.

No hoodie involved.
 
I would never do that too.

If I did that, my mom would just say that she knows I have a larger vocabulary than that and I should find it no trouble to pick better words to express what I feel.

Then I would feel ashamed.
 
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There’s something going on behind the scenes which you probably aren’t aware of.

Unfortunately you are getting the backlash,
 
Thank you. I just grew up where even if I didn’t like house rules I did them anyway without cursing my parents out and I have a great relationship with my parents and they were strict! I’m not strict at all by comparison.
Interesting how she curses me out, someone asked how it all started, I mentioned what I gently reminded her to roll back her hood (reminders which she happily has complied with before) and its sounding like it’s my fault for being a nag with this one particular house rule that has never been an issue before.
I honestly think it’s something more than that request. She and I have such a good relationship that’s why I was caught off guard. She told me the other day she wished she had friends. I feel something is bothering her that she’s not ready to share yet. We’ll all be fine through Gods grace I’m sure if it.

Thank you.
 
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