Disrespectful 18 year old daughter

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MarthaSo said:
She and I have such a good relationship that’s why I was caught off guard. She told me the other day she wished she had friends. I feel something is bothering her that she’s not ready to share yet. We’ll all be fine through Gods grace I’m sure if it.

Thank you.
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She’s in school right?

Probably anxiety from school or thoughts about her future, especially with the current situation being so uncertain right now.

It must be hard being on the cusp of adulthood and the world outside is so unsettled.

I’m an adult and I still feel that.
 
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It’s ok. Thank you. I think we all see and may interpret things differently and I keep in mind everyone who posts always try to be helpful. I found some of them very helpful.
 
You could try asking your daughter why she’s upset with you.

While 18 is legal adulthood oftentimes people at that age are still unsure of their place in the world and are facing a lot of anxieties. It could very well be your daughter has something that’s upsetting her and she’s lashing out at you because she doesn’t know how to better express what is wrong or is afraid you won’t support her.
 
Sometimes, conversations between parents and teenage children spiral out of control really fast, and then you look back and be all “what happened”?

My two center: she shouldn’t have cursed and maybe y’all can re negotiate the rules around hoodies.

I would probably go to her (after you calmed down) and say something like “wow, it really got heated back there, didn’t it?lets see if we can talk this out?”.
 
This sounds like an assured way of losing your child’s trust and their respect for you. In order to feel safe in their home there needs to be boundaries that a parent will respect.

In any case, there are countless other reasons for mood swings and personality changes in a teenager.
 
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I think that it wasn’t really the hoodie itself…something is eating at her and the hoodie just created the tipping point.

You two need to sit down and discover what’s the real issue. Does she feel that you are still treating her like a child? Does she feel that you don’t give her breathing room? Is she have a relationship issue with a friend or boy and nothing really to do with a hoodie?

Whatever it is, you need to have a deep discussion when she isn’t in a mood…when you are both calm and relaxed, then gently bring up…the other day you really went off on me and it shocked me! I probably didn’t react as well as I’d like to but you were really upset…what triggered you? See if she opens up. It may not happen right then…she may need to think it over…give her time, don’t demand she answer right then. Take it from there!
 
A lot of people are making a big deal about the hoodie rules. That is not what this is about. It is about an 18 year old daughter using the f bomb in front of her mom. Whether anyone thinks the family hoodie rule is dumb or not doesn’t matter. It is unacceptable to drop the f bomb in @MarthaSo’s house, period.
 
Irishmom2 said:
A lot of people are making a big deal about the hoodie rules. That is not what this is about. It is about an 18 year old daughter using the f bomb in front of her mom. Whether anyone thinks the family hoodie rule is dumb or not doesn’t matter. It is unacceptable to drop the f bomb in @MarthaSo’s house, period.
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In order to have a good relationship with their children parents need to understand why something upsets their children. Hence people are encouraging to @MarthaSo to look at this from her daughter’s perspective; in a parent-child relationship both their feelings are relevant, and even if the child is fully in the wrong it’s important for the parent to understand where they’re coming from in order to teach them right.

When children are younger they tend to do what their parents say because they trust that their parents just knew best. As children become teenagers and come to learn that their parents are fallible humans they start to question rules, and if a rule appears to be foolish (or worse yet, arbitrary) then the teenager will be less willing to obey it. Saying “Because I said so!” or “My house my rules” without further explanation will get begrudging obedience, but it won’t get true respect. In fact, you’ll probably lose respect in the long run.
 
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Ask her if you can borrow a hoodie or get one yourself and wear it in the house. Get your husband to say ‘Hey, you shouldn’t be doing that’ in front of you and your daughter. Then tell him ‘Hey, it’s just a hoodie. I’m feeling the cold. We’ll wear what we want to wear, thanks very much’. Eye contact with your daughter and roll your eyes. Or reverse the roles and your husband tells you to back off a little. And you agree and apologise to husband and daughter.

A little good cop, bad cop comes in handy for building bridges. And hey, she’s not selling drugs or sleeping around. She’s wearing a hoodie.
 
If she was not disrespectful before the hoodie disagreement, or of the other reminders, did you find out what was the straw that broke the camel’s back?

And forgive me, but my house my rules… it really bothers me when people treat my house like a private vacation home but can’t respect my rules.

She’s old enough to be respectful of you and the rules of your home, no matter how small they may seem. If the rule is no hoodies or hats are worn in doors I don’t understand why she couldn’t follow. She’s been living with that rule for 18 years. If you’re cold get a blanket or ask to raise the heat.

She had no right to be disrespectful to you.

But like you said it wasn’t about the hoodie, so I’m wondering exactly what the disrespectful attitude was about.
 
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I know it’s not about the hoodie but my house is drafty in the winter, and I encourage all household members to wear hoodies / zip-up sweatshirts and I call them “house jackets”. Because this way people are less tempted to mess with the thermostat!
Does your hubby know about this exchange? My husband would have strong words for any kid who spoke to me like that!
 
MtnDwellar said:
You’ve described personality changes and mood swings.

Search her room, purse, and other possible hiding places for drugs. Also look for paraphernalia. Incense or air freshener, cigarette lighters, cotton, spoons, or anything out of place can be reason for suspicion. They can make pipes out of almost anything.
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I’m sorry, do you hate this family and want to provoke a worse fight? Are you rooting for disaster so you can be entertained by reading about it later?

Teenagers have mood swings. They sometimes use profanity. I was an incredibly rude and moody teenager and I never once used drugs. A mood swing or use of profanity is no reason whatsoever to search an 18 year old’s purse and room for drugs, or act suspicious over innocuous things like incense and air fresheners or “almost anything” one could hypothetically make a “pipe” out of.

An adult who betrays their child’s trust in that way, for such a poor reason, will only make themselves look insane in their child’s eyes, and push the child away.
 
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Sorry, folks. It looks like my computer multi-posted the above. Believe me, I only posted it once. Mods, can you delete the excesses?
 
Agreed.

At 18, I was literally a demon and when I remember it today, I wonder what demons had possessed me. 😃 I used to swear at my mom (though, not right in front of her), and we were constantly at loggerheads. The more she tried to put me under her various atrocious rules to suppress my outburst, the more I fought her off. My anger would just double up instead of dwindling in fear. Nevertheless, I still knew she loved me. I think it just happened that she didn’t know how to handle a teenager correctly. There’s no one correct method though. It all depends on various circumstances.

Despite that, when I was sick, she forgot all our ups and downs, and gave me the utmost care and attention, as if nothing had ever happened. She (and dad) gave me all, and I wasn’t too stupid to not “see” that.

Besides, it was from my mom that I learned to believe in God (before turning into an atheist many years later, that’s another story).

Today, I share my faith with her. She is my best friend that I failed to find in her during my teen years. In my humble opinion, mothers (and fathers) should be able to set an example of kindness, patience and forbearance by being one themselves. Threatening will only arouse bitterness and hatred in children. They might be “disciplined” but you wouldn’t be able to discipline their heart. In there will be growing a seed of deep hatred.
 
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MNathaniel said:
I’m sorry, do you hate this family and want to provoke a worse fight? Are you rooting for disaster so you can be entertained by reading about it later?
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These questions are presumptuous and insulting. I don’t hate this family or anyone else. I am only rooting for them to solve their problems.
MNathaniel said:
A mood swing or use of profanity is no reason whatsoever to search an 18 year old’s purse and room for drugs , or act suspicious over innocuous things like incense and air fresheners or “almost anything” one could hypothetically make a “pipe” out of.
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Personality changes and mood swings are known symptoms of drug use. I consider searching a child’s room to be responsible parenting. Assuming that one’s kid is not using drugs is naïve. It is very simple to eliminate the possibility.
MNathaniel said:
An adult who betrays their child’s trust in that way, for such a poor reason, will only make themselves look insane in their child’s eyes, and push the child away.
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Searching for drugs is not a sign of insanity. I don’t think the child has to know.

Drug abuse has reached epidemic proportions. No one is immune. Keeping kids off drugs is every parents responsibility.
 
MtnDwellar said:
Personality changes and mood swings are known symptoms of drug use. I consider searching a child’s room to be responsible parenting.
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Personality changes and mood swings are also known symptoms of being a normal teenager.

Are you a parent?
MtnDwellar said:
Searching for drugs is not a sign of insanity. I don’t think the child has to know.
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If you think an 18 year old won’t be able to figure out that someone has searched her purse and bedroom, I don’t know what to tell you. Either you think a parent has the skills of a CIA agent, or you think teenagers lack an acute sense of when their stuff has been even subtly moved.

I hope you never try this on your own kids, without an actual valid reason.

And if you do, I’m on their side in the inevitable fallout that will follow.

Saying this as, again, someone who used to be a moody and rude teenaged girl but who never used drugs – and my mom did rummage through my room, and read my diary. You might think this wasn’t a problem. This was a problem. It seriously, negatively impacted my ability to trust my mother. There is such a thing as boundaries, even among family.
 
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I have a couple unconventional ideas. First, when she says something that really hurts you, write it down Word for Word and keep a list of them, to show her when she’s feeling more reasonable and loving towards you. Somehow you want her to feel what you are feeling when she is rude to you.

Something that can effectively communicate this is what some people refer to as an “emotional word picture”. Look it up! To summarize the concept, think specifically about how this hurts you, put words to it, both how and why. Think of a subject she deeply cares about. Make up a story ahead of time that, when she hears it, will give her the same feeling you had. Then at the end explain in tenderness that what she has been doing hurts you this exact same way.
 
I never claimed that drugs are behind every personality/mood change. Given that drug abuse is an epidemic and some symptoms have presented, it should be ruled out or confirmed.

CIA agent! Really?
 
MtnDwellar said:
I never claimed that drugs are behind every personality/mood change. Given that drug abuse is an epidemic and some symptoms have presented, it should be ruled out or confirmed.
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I repeat: do you have children?

Is that really your first instinct for how to interact with your own children? A teenager talks back to her mother = must be on drugs! Rummage through her things! Be suspicious of an air freshener!
MtnDwellar said:
some symptoms have presented
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Zero symptoms of drug use have been presented. Normal symptoms of teenage hormones in a disrespectful larger culture during an anxiety-inducing time of politics and pandemic have been presented.
 
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