Divorce due to Alcoholic Husband

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Hi. I have been married for 31 years. My husband is an alcoholic. He was sober for nearly 13 years when he started drinking again. He almost died (2% chance survival). God answered my prayers and our daughters prayers. Since then he was told if he drank it would kill him. He keeps playing Russian Roulette. Now Christmas weekend when we were all supposed to be together he drank once again. He is currently staying at a hotel because we aren’t ready to have him here.
My question is about divorce and our catholic faith in this situation. I have had 3 back surgeries and am on disability. I love him dearly but can’t sit by and wait for him to kill him self or watch it happen. Our daughters are older and on their own. I don’t know how I’d support myself. I’m asking anyone for help and advice. Thank you!
 
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I, first of all will pray for you. Next, I would advise you to find an Al-Anon meeting. The people in that group have been down your road.
 
Yes. I have been to Al-Anon and will go again. I just have a hard time with the fact that it parallels AA as if I am the one causing the hurt. I’m hurt and angry right now. Watching the pain in my daughters’ faces and seeing them hurt and angry is extremely difficult for me.
 
And, speak to your priest. Situations vary. But, while he’s still drinking, please, don’t live in the same house as your husband. I’ve seen too many people suffer, living with an alcoholic spouse. You have enough pain in your life.
 
I just emailed my priest for an appointment. And I’m planning on visiting my sister for a while. Thank you for your suggestions. They are very good!
 
Msmagoo said:
I just have a hard time with the fact that it parallels AA as if I am the one causing the hurt.
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Alcoholism is a family disease, and no one person causes all the hurt. Everyone carries pain. Al-Anon will help keep you honest with yourself, and help you develop skills so that you don’t have to continue hurting. you need to learn detachment, which is a very hard skill to develop. Your daughters need it too, and maybe they will go with you.

I will pray that God will make a way for you to live separately while he is drinking.
 
What the heck? I can “honestly” say that I am in no way culpable for any of the addicts in my family. I don’t buy their booze or drugs. I don’t drink around them and I don’t use drugs at all. I don’t socialize with them when they are drunk. I don’t allow them to drink or use in my home, now that I’m an adult and have my own home. The elder ones were addicts well before they met me. There is nothing I did that caused their choices and there is nothing I can do now to change their choices, nor is it my responsibility to do so. If al-anon is not telling people that, it’s a sham.
 
I believe @guanophore is talking about immediate family, spouse and children.

There is a dynamic in families with addictions where everyone involved plays a part. If everyone keeps playing the same part, nothing changes. The addict generally is the least willing to change, therefore those around him/her need to learn how to change their part. Just because you believe this doesn’t apply to you & your family does not make it bad advice.
 
Allegra said:
I am in no way culpable for any of the addicts in my family.
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I am not sure what this phrase means, but I was not attempting to place blame.

Blame is one of the dysfunctional dynamics that occurs in the addicted family. Blame is not life giving and is ulitmately toxic to everyone.

One of the gifts Al-Anon has to give is about how to manage the dynamic of blame.
Allegra said:
I don’t buy their booze or drugs. I don’t drink around them and I don’t use drugs at all. I don’t socialize with them when they are drunk. I don’t allow them to drink or use in my home, now that I’m an adult and have my own home. The elder ones were addicts well before they met me.
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I think from this litany that you may have perceived that I was accusing you somehow of aiding or abetting the misuse of alcohol?

There are many ways individuals can unwittingly drive the addictive process that don’t involve any of these behaviors.
Allegra said:
There is nothing I did that caused their choices and there is nothing I can do now to change their choices
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This is true, people make their own choices, and in the later stages of addiction, they even loose that ability, when the substance takes over will power.

But there may well be some things you can do to change things. What Al-Anon teaches are healthy ways to respond to the hurt caused by addiction, and how to keep one’s self healthy in the presence of a debilitating disease. You may be surprised to learn that there are some things you can do. Battling the helplessness is one of the keys to recovery. Family members also need to recover from the addiction, as they, too, as wounded by it.
Allegra said:
nor is it my responsibility to do so.
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This is a judgment that is between you and your Creator. Your initial posts indicates that you have a lot of love and concern for your family, and that you do feel responsible to act in a way that is loving and effective.
Allegra said:
If al-anon is not telling people that, it’s a sham.
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It may be that you will hear some things at Al-Anon that leave you feeling angry and defensive. That does not mean what is being said is not true.
 
Remember, your priest is beginning a 4 day marathon of Masses. He may take Wednesday off to get some rest, so, you may not hear back until later in the week.
 
TheLittleLady said:
Ala Teen is the program that goes hand in hand with Al Anon.
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I thought of that, but she said her daughters were older and on their own.
TheLittleLady said:
Civil divorce requires Bishop approval.
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Some people (like me) have trouble finding the relevant threads. I have realized it is more effective to use Google search and include CAF than to use the search function here.

But the OP seems to be inquiring because she wants to do the right thing. I don’t know if separation is an option (postponing civil divorce), which I don’t think would have to involve the Bishop.
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Thanks!

You seem to refer to this canon law as “undue burden”. Is this because the OP has already violated the law?
 
No. Because she is highly unlikely to find any diocese that enforces this canon —or has any process in place to do so.
 
No, I think that it is putting undue mental burden on a person to take what is happening today and go immediately to the worst possible scenario.

Let’s say I notice a mole on my daughter’s arm. Do I quote her the statistics for survival of melanoma and to talk about the details of chemo and surgery or do I say “let’s make an appointment with our family doctor and have her take a look at that mole”.

Every flutter is not a heart attack, every crisis in a marriage is not a divorce.

What did Christ say about fretting about the future?
 
Msmagoo said:
My question is about divorce and our catholic faith in this situation.
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TheLittleLady said:
No, I think that it is putting undue mental burden on a person to take what is happening today and go immediately to the worst possible scenario.
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I think she was inquiring about the worst case scenario.

I do hope that she is “miles away” from that, but this has apparently been developing for years and is sufficiently serious that :
Msmagoo said:
He is currently staying at a hotel because we aren’t ready to have him here.
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Msmagoo said:
I’m asking anyone for help and advice.
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I think this help and advice should include the Church teaching, as well as other help on coping with addiction.
 
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