Divorce due to Alcoholic Husband

[Msmagoo]

Thank you. I am trying to keep it one day at a time. Some times I just feel so completely overwhelmed and sad. Others I’m ok and realize nothing I do causes his drinking, but that too doesn’t make it all ok. Thank you for the kind words.

 

[JulianN]

But he cannot make something happen that is not part of usual practice in the US. Bishops simply don’t engage in this, and it’s not likely they are going to start.

It’s unreasonable to expect a person in an untenable situation to wait for something the Church does not actually do.

 

[JulianN]

I think it will be much longer than six months—it’s likely to be indefinite. In general, bishops don’t engage with this. At all.

 

[JulianN]

While it may not make sense to you, it’s the reality in general.

 

[JulianN]

I know that’s your opinion. Many theologians disagree with you, expressing the idea that these canons apply to concordat nations, which the US is not.

Also, in many places, including where I live, it’s necessary to file for divorce before a court will order child support.

 

[guanophore]

Or a shame… depending on what is meant by “enforce”. I think practice is a better term, which all Catholics are obligated to respect.

I agree. I wish there were such resources available in the diocese.

I am trying to keep it one day at a time.

This is all any of us can do!

Some times I just feel so completely overwhelmed and sad.

These are healthy emotions that are a normal response to watching someone you love self destruct.

I’m ok and realize nothing I do causes his drinking, but that too doesn’t make it all ok.

This is true. It causes pain to everyone whose lives are touched by it.

It’s unreasonable to expect a person in an untenable situation to wait for something the Church does not actually do.

No, in fact it sounds like the current arrangement is in everyone’s best interest under the circumstances.

 

[Allegra]

I’m talking about immediate family, parents, and siblings. No children are ever “playing a part” in their parent’s addiction. Ever. Period. Some adult children may enable their parents, but making blanket statements that it is the whole family’s disorder because a person won’t keep sober is both wrong and incredibly hurtful.

 

[Allegra]

What a horrible, cruel and objectively false statement to make! I will say it again. There are great many addicts who have managed to get themselves into addiction all on their own. Unless their family members have sabotaged their attempts at recovery or enabled them, it is not their fault that they made their choices, nor are they capable of forcing them to stop making those choices. It’s making cruel blanket statements such as “it’s a family disorder” and “everyone played a role in it” that is against Christian charity.

I haven’t mentioned washing hands of anyone. If I washed my hands of the addicts in my life, I wouldn’t have many people to hang out with this holiday season. I do recommend anyone who has been talked into this misplaced culpability for someone else’s actions wash their hands of that immediately. There are any number of things for the OP to consider regarding whether it’s appropriate for her to leave her husband. I do not make such “judgement” on the internet on situations in which I have no personal involvement.

 

[Allegra]

Trying to say that you aren’t blaming someone while at the same time claiming that they caused it and have a responsibility to change it is a distinction without a difference. It takes a high level of mental gymnastics to claim otherwise. I’ve heard many things through the years that are attributed to al-anon, many of which are probably personal interpretations of what is actually part of the program, that are complete and utter bunk.

 

[lonegreywolf20]

It’s a misplaced authority! A couple should not have to get “permission” to separate or divorce.

Remember, this is coming from someone who was divorced against his will. I don’t feel that my ex-wife should have had to seek permission to separate or divorce me.

 

[Allegra]

That’s true. I don’t think anyone would expect the OP wait to go to her sister’s house until she heard back from the bishop’s office (the day before Christmas Eve no less) if he was smacking her around. Sure, see the priest and file proper paperwork before filing for a civil separation, if it comes to that. Sometimes though, a spouse needs to visit her sister or enjoy the continental breakfast at Days Inn.

 

[lonegreywolf20]

If this is towards me, it is my place to voice an opinion, even if it is contrary to your own.

 

[lonegreywolf20]

Let me rephrase, it is my place to voice an opinion, even if it is contrary to what you agree with.

It truly is a law that should not be.

 

[Allegra]

We shouldn’t judge our spouse at all. We do have to use judgement in order to determine if our home is safe or reasonable for us to continue living and/or raising our children in, if applicable. Your comment was actually connected to my comment, which was very specifically on the horrendous notion that family members are responsible and even culpable for another family member’s addiction. Maybe that wasn’t your intent, but that is the post you responded to. I did not address church law or even attempt to make a recommendation of what the OP should or should not do in her situation, since I don’t feel I have enough information on her situation to do so.

 

[QwertyGirl]

We dont judge our spouse apart from the Bishop

I do. And if he was a relentless drunk with children I would divorce his sorry rear end.

You repeatedly give advice to people about divorcing and separating and their marriages. You are not qualified to do that and you should not be doing that on this forum. If you want to give advice, tell them to make an appointment with their priest and leave it at that.

 

[Horton]

I’m talking about immediate family, parents, and siblings. No children are ever “playing a part” in their parent’s addiction. Ever. Period. Some adult children may enable their parents, but making blanket statements that it is the whole family’s disorder because a person won’t keep sober is both wrong and incredibly hurtful.

As I said before, because you do not believe this to be true does not make it wrong. It is only your opinion the concept of addiction being a family disorder is wrong. There is a great deal of research proving this theory to be true.

You believe not to be in your family, okay, you are entitled to your belief, however attacking posters who provide good advice to others because YOU don’t agree with the advice is very lacking in Christian charity.

I don’t think anyone on this thread addressed you personally, blaming you for anything. Posting in a thread looking for a fight is not the way to treat people charitably.

 

[QwertyGirl]

No that isn’t your advice. You go well beyond that. You aren’t qualified to do so. You should stop.

 

[Horton]

There are great many addicts who have managed to get themselves into addiction all on their own. Unless their family members have sabotaged their attempts at recovery or enabled them, it is not their fault that they made their choices, nor are they capable of forcing them to stop making those choices. It’s making cruel blanket statements such as “it’s a family disorder” and “everyone played a role in it” that is against Christian charity.

It is not cruel to name truth. It is not against Christian charity to name truth. In a family with addiction, every person within the family plays a role. The role doesn’t have to be one of buy booze or drugs, or party with them. You said you do not allow family members to drink or use in your home, great, that is a good boundary to set, but in another post you claimed if you “washed your hands…” you wouldn’t have anyone to hang out with for the holidays.

Just based on your two posts I used in this one, your role is one of “not in my house but I can deal with it in other places”. Based on the information mentioned here, this is your role. No blame, no cause, just a role.

Now I know I don’t know your particular situation, nor do I want to know. I don’t want to know who the addicts in your family are nor do I want to know the particular dynamics. All I want is for you to understand how this works.

Al-non is not about blaming or shaming, but it is about teaching people how they can change their role. It’s about teach men & women how they can reclaim power over their lives that the addict has taken away.

 

[QwertyGirl]

RC, unless you are a canon lawyer or clergy, you shouldn’t be dispensing canon legal advice. That is what you have been doing here, repeatedly.

If you aren’t able to offer words of comfort and encouragement to someone who is going through a terrible time in life, as is the OP, sometimes it is best to not offer anything.

I realize you are in the middle of some extreme challenges in your own relationship. I truly am sorry for that and I hope things get better for you. However it comes across as you grinding an ax whenever you bring up this issue of requiring a Bishop’s approval prior to moving forward with a civil divorce. It really is fine if you want to spend your time grinding that ax in your own personal life, but it isn’t helpful for you to do it in this kind of a forum. Further, I am not the first person to express this to you here.

Our sister is suffering and needs compassionate guidance. She has received many responses with helpful information. Reciting “the rules” to her as if you are an expert isn’t helpful, I am sure, and certainly not compassionate.

That is really all I have to say on this matter, and all I will say on it.

 

[Irishmom2]

I think she wants advice about her own particular situation and whether she should stay with her husband or not. I don’t believe she wanted canon law quoted at her. Just a discussion of should she stay or go.