Well. Coming to that point, a realization that you would never take them back, can seem to be a contradiction with our values as Catholics. Seeing marriage as a covenant between man, woman and God. As discussed earlier, God directed us to forgive even our enemies, and that if we expected Him to forgive us than we must forgive others as well. Does forgiveness of infidelity include taking the person back, does it have to? The Church’s teaching on the point has already been discussed. I believe one can truly forgive—that is, hold no ill will towards the person, desire their salvation, yet not be willing to live with them out of an inability to love them in that way, in an intimate way more than a Christian concern for their soul. More related to that in a bit.
But, for those of us who suspect an underlying mental health issue. We vowed ‘in sickness and in health’, so if there’s an underlying mental issue and they (or we) get treated, come to the realization they/we want to reconcile it would seem we’re obligated to make the attempt. But, if we only reconcile out of a sense of duty vice a desire to truly be with the person again- how successful will it be, how good a marriage can we make of it? Which is where I agree completely with Vsedriver—some sort of realistic pragmatic approach to the causes has to be a part of it or the cycle is likely to repeat.
I used to fly Search and Rescue (SAR). I would always brief the first rule of SAR—Never turn someone else’s bad day into your bad day. You can not help anyone if you’re swimming in the water next to them. Return to base, re-group, try again. It’s a simple reality that dealing with a lot of these issues is extremely difficult to the point of being damaging to one’s ego, sense of self, attitude, even to the point of driving you into depression. Many partners of depressives become depressed themselves—a very real physical condition involving the chemistry of the brain. This includes the shrinkage and lessening of activity of the region which controls the ability to process positive thoughts.
psycheducation.org/mechanism/12Conclusion.htm
My son was the last of the kids to continue visiting his mother at her home. He forced himself to do that for her, seeing her as having driven away his sisters with himself as the last connection back to the family. The last thread. Her knight who could restore the Queen to her throne. God bless him, he has the heart of a warrior. But he reached a breaking point, he was going down mentally. The concept that you can’t help someone else if you’ve destroyed yourself helped him tremendously. It allowed him to make the call to go to a therapist, realize he’d tried his best and he needed to back out to save himself first, get stronger, try again. My point in all of the above is, there are situations where a person just simply can’t deal with the pain, the tension, everything without destroying themselves. I think you can love someone, but realize you just aren’t equipped or capable of dealing with their issues, especially if they won’t address the issues themselves. It takes a lot of soul-searching, but you have to know your limitations- again, you can not help someone or be a true partner to someone by destroying yourself.
I can relate to Vsedriver about being around that person you love. My situation is complicated by having kids, their mother having effectively driven them out of her home and their need to maintain some kind of connection with her. If I view it as their home, they should be able to invite their mother into their home. It’s a place where they are stronger, feel more comfortable, and have more control.
It’s this quandary of trying to understand what happened to the marriage which makes the annulment process a source of healing, REGARDLESS of the decision. It can help in one’s resolve to uphold the vows by asserting their validity. That there was a valid marriage, that we should be open to reconciliation. It can also help with the thing we’re (or maybe just myself) worst at - a neutral look at our own actions and contribution to the demise of the relationship. The annulment process (especially for those of us struggling to understand what happened) can help define the underlying issue which would need to be resolved.
Rainbow1, BTW—yes, he did marry his second wife at the end of the week as planned. They are still married and they’ve been together ~20 years.
Isn’t that amazing that the divorce and annulment are taking longer than the marriage! That is awesome you have a spiritual guide to help……I think the incidence of depression in the population facing these types of spiritual questions/ and or issues must be extremely high. What part of our faith helps you when you feel depressed? Long ago, when my youngest child was seriously ill, a lady off an online support group for parents of chronically ill children sent me a book that was about Bible Promises. It was such a great help to me. At night, when my depression and anxiety was at a max, I could reach over and pick up my book and read page after page of promises the Lord gave us…it always seemed to help. Sort of reminds me of what Trying to Learn said about meditating on things he is thankful for as one of the three parts of his daily prayer ritual. What works for you?
