Divorced but still married

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bellasdad

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Hi everyone, please help me find an answer to my situation. My wife of 23 years Divorced me last year. We have 6 children ages 8-23, five are still at home. I have battled depression for a number of years, aided by several concussions and what I feel was emotional , spiritual and physical neglect from my wife.

I had an emotional affair after several years of counseling which didn’t do much good as I felt that the counseling was always about “fixing me”.

We are both practicing catholics and still wear our wedding rings. Neither of us is wanting an annulment. My wife says she has forgiven me, but all but ignores me. She will speak with me in regards to issues with the kids but not much else.

The first six months after she filed and humiliated me in court and took everything, including the kids from me, we’re rough. I said and sent her some nasty texts. Through much prayer, tears, and anger, I have begged God for forgiveness. He has granted me the Grace to forgive my wife and to love her. I have begged her for her forgiveness and pleaded with her to reconcile our marriage. She states that she has forgiven me, but then will send texts a out my past sins and how I hurt her. She says forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation. I disagree.

I have stated to her that I feel that we still have obligations to one another. Among them is to respect, love, and communicate with each other. And since we are still sacramentally married, an obligation to God, our children and each to work it out.

She states often that she has to “heal”. My response to this is that time doesn’t heal, Jesus does. He could heal her instantly if she asked, just as he did for me.

Unfortunately she has gotten what I feel is bad advice from a priest who told her not to feel guilty about divorcing me. I don’t think that was sound catholic teaching.

Anyway, my heart is broken. I only get to see my kids 16% of the time. I wanted shared custody. The loneliness is suffocating. I am attending weekday Masses, going to adoration and keep a vigil candle burning for my wife, in hopes God will open her heart to His Grace and marital reconciliation.

Any thoughts?
 
bellasdad said:
Hi everyone, please help me find an answer to my situation. My wife of 23 years Divorced me last year. We have 6 children ages 8-23, five are still at home. I have battled depression for a number of years, aided by several concussions and what I feel was emotional , spiritual and physical neglect from my wife.

I had an emotional affair after several years of counseling which didn’t do much good as I felt that the counseling was always about “fixing me”.

We are both practicing catholics and still wear our wedding rings. Neither of us is wanting an annulment. My wife says she has forgiven me, but all but ignores me. She will speak with me in regards to issues with the kids but not much else.

The first six months after she filed and humiliated me in court and took everything, including the kids from me, we’re rough. I said and sent her some nasty texts. Through much prayer, tears, and anger, I have begged God for forgiveness. He has granted me the Grace to forgive my wife and to love her. I have begged her for her forgiveness and pleaded with her to reconcile our marriage. She states that she has forgiven me, but then will send texts a out my past sins and how I hurt her. She says forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation. I disagree.

I have stated to her that I feel that we still have obligations to one another. Among them is to respect, love, and communicate with each other. And since we are still sacramentally married, an obligation to God, our children and each to work it out.

She states often that she has to “heal”. My response to this is that time doesn’t heal, Jesus does. He could heal her instantly if she asked, just as he did for me.

Unfortunately she has gotten what I feel is bad advice from a priest who told her not to feel guilty about divorcing me. I don’t think that was sound catholic teaching.

Anyway, my heart is broken. I only get to see my kids 16% of the time. I wanted shared custody. The loneliness is suffocating. I am attending weekday Masses, going to adoration and keep a vigil candle burning for my wife, in hopes God will open her heart to His Grace and marital reconciliation.

Any thoughts?
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Your wife does need to heal, and that will take as long as it takes.

You can’t tell her when she’s done healing.

Stop sending nasty texts, stop bringing up non-kid subjects, be civil to your wife, be loving and responsible with the kids and be patient.

You may not ever reconcile, but you’re definitely not going to by pestering her. In your shoes, I would tell her that if she ever wants to reconcile that you are interested, but you don’t want to pester her, so the ball is in her court.
 
My thought?

If I were you, I would stop wearing the ring. Give it back and take hers as well. There’s no way I would accept being kicked out of my own home while my ex-wife still pretends to be married when it suits her. Either you did something that was that damaging, or your wife left you in sickness. I’m not going to ask which one it is, but you need to focus on what you still have.

Where is your adult child? How much longer do you have until the others turn 18? Do you live in a state where older teens can decide where they live? Even then, many states allow teens who are old enough to be sworn in to give statements to the court on behalf of either parent.

You do not have to accept being destitute. Everything is only a setback. Until then, keep going to Mass whenever you are free.
 
You had an affair, you send nasty texts, and you’ve managed to forgive your wife? And you wonder why she hadn’t forgiven you? This whole post was very you oriented. What you did, how you feel, what you want, your “humiliation”, but yet, no consideration for her or her pain and humiliation. Heck, you go so far as to blame her for her hurt and acuse her off just not trusting Jesus enough. And yet, you were mad that the therapist wanted to work on you. The only time it’s not about you is when it’s time to make changes or take responsibility for problems.:rolleyes:

She does need to heal, and you need to start looking beyond yourself.

I’ve forgiven an abusive stepfather, but he will never be around my children unsupervised. Forgiveness certainly does not mean all consequences are removed. You may not have been abusive, but this post comes off as extremely narcissistic and I can’t blame her for not wanting to reconcile or raise children under the same roof.
 
Your wife is right that forgiveness doesn’t mean full reconciliation. If her own emotional, spiritual and mental wellbeing are at risk in the marriage she is right to protect herself and continue to mother the children as a separated person.

It sounds like you have an amiable relationship since you stopped sending her abusive texts so just continue to nurture that kindness and respect for her even if she doesn’t want to reconcile.

There are so many red flags in your post pointing to a blaming, selfish streak in you that isn’t going to endear you to your wife any time soon. Be open to ‘fixing’ yourself. It brings people freedom when they are able to self examine honestly and see themselves through the eyes of others.
 
No, forgiveness does not equal reconciliation. Your wife is not less of a Catholic for wanting to divorce you, or for not instantly being “healed”. The Priest is not wrong.

You caused your wife pain when you had an affair. She was probably struggling when you had depression, as well. Telling your wife how she should feel towards you will only make your relationship worse.

You need to focus on your children now. Respect the boundaries your wife wants to have, and don’t push her into accepting you back into her life. You may find that she decides she wants absolutely nothing more to do with you.

Lou
 
My thoughts on reading your post is that you still need time to heal and grow spiritually. Focus more on your own relationship with God and less on the one with your wife. Leave her be for awhile. Going to daily mass and adoration is a good start. Resolve to continue that through Lent and to keep your heart open to what God is asking of you now. I think it’s too early for reconciliation with your former wife.
 
bellasdad said:
Hi everyone, please help me find an answer to my situation. My wife of 23 years Divorced me last year. We have 6 children ages 8-23, five are still at home. I have battled depression for a number of years, aided by several concussions and what I feel was emotional , spiritual and physical neglect from my wife.

I had an emotional affair after several years of counseling which didn’t do much good as I felt that the counseling was always about “fixing me”.

We are both practicing catholics and still wear our wedding rings. Neither of us is wanting an annulment. My wife says she has forgiven me, but all but ignores me. She will speak with me in regards to issues with the kids but not much else.

The first six months after she filed and humiliated me in court and took everything, including the kids from me, we’re rough. I said and sent her some nasty texts. Through much prayer, tears, and anger, I have begged God for forgiveness. He has granted me the Grace to forgive my wife and to love her. I have begged her for her forgiveness and pleaded with her to reconcile our marriage. She states that she has forgiven me, but then will send texts a out my past sins and how I hurt her. She says forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation. I disagree.

I have stated to her that I feel that we still have obligations to one another. Among them is to respect, love, and communicate with each other. And since we are still sacramentally married, an obligation to God, our children and each to work it out.

She states often that she has to “heal”. My response to this is that time doesn’t heal, Jesus does. He could heal her instantly if she asked, just as he did for me.

Unfortunately she has gotten what I feel is bad advice from a priest who told her not to feel guilty about divorcing me. I don’t think that was sound catholic teaching.

Anyway, my heart is broken. I only get to see my kids 16% of the time. I wanted shared custody. The loneliness is suffocating. I am attending weekday Masses, going to adoration and keep a vigil candle burning for my wife, in hopes God will open her heart to His Grace and marital reconciliation.

Any thoughts?
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Regarding the highlighted portion, what would you consider the purpose of counseling?
 
I have to agree with the other posters. It seems like your wife had a reason to leave the marriage. Most women do not make a decision like that lightly, especially with so many children involved. You didn’t like counseling because you felt the counselor was trying to fix you? That’s what a counselor is supposed to do if necessary, not just sympathize with you if the situation really calls for a person to change and handle things differently. The best you can do is treat your wife with respect and stop trying to get back together with her. Find some new interests for yourself to combat loneliness - take classes, volunteer or get involved in something in the community.
 
Thank you for all your replies. No doubt I have things to work on. Issues run on both sides. They say it takes two to make a good marriage or a bad one. I won’t go into my wife’s issues, but obviously she has them as foes everyone. My point was she failed to focus on her issues, just mine.

I will leave her alone and focus on my relationship with God and my kids.

Thank you
 
And I wasn’t speaking about the counselor “fixing me”, but my wife
 
bellasdad said:
Thank you for all your replies. No doubt I have things to work on. Issues run on both sides. They say it takes two to make a good marriage or a bad one. I won’t go into my wife’s issues, but obviously she has them as foes everyone. My point was she failed to focus on her issues, just mine.

I will leave her alone and focus on my relationship with God and my kids.

Thank you
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No, it only takes one to have a bad marriage, and you need two for a good marriage.
 
I agree with every answer you received. But since this is the Prayer Forum:

:gopray:

Jesus, we know that none of us are 100% humble, for we are clothed in these mortal, fallible bodies. But we do know that You are completely humble and we look to You as our example. As we clothe ourselves in Your righteousness we can overcome the pride that is ever before us. We recognize that no good thing can come from us, but all that is good comes from You. Remind us daily that gratitude is the antidote for feelings of pride. When we acknowledge that everything we have and all that we are is due to Your merciful blessings we are humbled and grateful to You, the Giver of every good and perfect gift.
Thank you Lord,
Amen.
 
Xantippe said:
No, it only takes one to have a bad marriage, and you need two for a good marriage.
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Yes.

I suppose when your wife wanted to “fix you”, she meant “end the depression and work through the affair”.

I agree with your other sentiment though, OP. Make sure you talk to her about the kids, and don’t pressure her into anything else.

Lou
 
She states often that she has to “heal”.

Let me translate this for you. She likes the status quo. She’s free to keep her options open w/r/t meeting another man, and knows you’re hanging around to go back to later if she doesn’t like what she finds. You said she still considers herself married to you in the church. Fair enough, but she didn’t mind using the secular courts to have you removed from your home, take your kids from you, and extract financial support, did she?

If you want have a chance at getting her back, then forget about her for a while and work on yourself. Start lifting weights if you don’t already. Pursue your hobbies. Do some volunteer work. Learn a new language. You get the idea. You likely have more free time now than at any in your adult life. Make good use of it.

Be pleasant in your interactions with your wife, but stop all mention of reconciliation. Take off your ring, but say nothing about it. Trust me, she will notice. Let some time pass and see what happens.

Finally, while your emotional affair was wrong and you deserve your share of the blame for your situation, you also deserve credit for wanting to work this out. So many men would simply say, “forget it” and start dating women a decade younger than them. God bless you for trying to stay the course, no matter how lonely it might be. I hope you and your wife find the way back to each other.
 
CthgeDelendaEst said:
She states often that she has to “heal”.

Be pleasant in your interactions with your wife, but stop all mention of reconciliation. Take off your ring, but say nothing about it. Trust me, she will notice. Let some time pass and see what happens.

Finally, while your emotional affair was wrong and you deserve your share of the blame for your situation, you also deserve credit for wanting to work this out. So many men would simply say, “forget it” and start dating women a decade younger than them. God bless you for trying to stay the course, no matter how lonely it might be. I hope you and your wife find the way back to each other.
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I will not take off my ring. All the civil divorce is about is assets and custody. We are still married in the eyes of God. We were married in the Catholic Church and I stand by her teachings. Plus what our children take from this is crucial. I want them to see that even though there is a civil divorce, their parents still follow the faith they claim to profess. I have a wife and a family. Not looking for another.
 
She may in fact need more time to heal. As Xantippe said, you don’t get to put a timeline on that. Besides the emotional affair, we don’t really know what else was going on in your marriage – nor do we need to.

But it sounds as if your wife believes she has more than the emotional affair that needed to be addressed. And it sounds as if she has gotten counsel from her priest. Forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation is possible. You can forgive someone without trusting them again – that’s not a requirement of forgiving.

If you’ve not done so already, perhaps you should also talk to your priest. And you might want to consider a return to counseling – it may help you get through this very difficult time in your life.
 
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