Divorced but still married

[bellasdad]

Okay, so with clinical depression and multiple head injuries, you did 90% of all housework, had no emotional (name removed by moderator)ut from your wife, and shouldered all the responsibility for your children’s upbringing. I have no idea why you want a reconciliation and even less idea why you would blame a priest for saying this mess isn’t a marriage. You ought to send your wife a thank you card, right?

Funny how you read between the lines and put words in my mouth.

What does having multiple concussions have to do with my ability to do house work? And I never said I had no emotional (name removed by moderator)ut from my wife.

Never said I shouldered all the responsibility either. And it is a valid marriage because we were married in the Church. My issue with the priest is he never heard my side. All marriages have problems. We are too quick in our culture to throw in the towel. As catholics we are called to something better.

I love my wife and always will. And will never give up on her or my family again

 

[Xantippe]

Funny how you read between the lines and put words in my mouth.

What does having multiple concussions have to do with my ability to do house work? And I never said I had no emotional (name removed by moderator)ut from my wife.

**Never said I shouldered all the responsibility either. **And it is a valid marriage because we were married in the Church. My issue with the priest is he never heard my side. All marriages have problems. We are too quick in our culture to throw in the towel. As catholics we are called to something better.

I love my wife and always will. And will never give up on her or my family again

You said in your OP “I have battled depression for a number of years, aided by several concussions and what I feel was emotional , spiritual and physical neglect from my wife.”

You also wrote: “She is from an emotionally frigid family, no physical affection or verbal. I insisted for years that we go to counseling. This infuriated her. I stood by her in the early years when her mom asked me to not leave hrr. I stood by her when she went through post pardum psychosis and had vision of killing our newborn. She went to counseling the last few years but again never to address her issues, only mine.”

You also stated that you did 90% of housework.

Tablefor9 was not reading between the lines, just accepting what you yourself said about your wife–that she was cold and emotionally unsupportive and did barely anything at home.

 

[Lou2U]

You said in your OP “I have battled depression for a number of years, aided by several concussions and what I feel was emotional , spiritual and physical neglect from my wife.”

You also wrote: “She is from an emotionally frigid family, no physical affection or verbal. I insisted for years that we go to counseling. This infuriated her. I stood by her in the early years when her mom asked me to not leave hrr. I stood by her when she went through post pardum psychosis and had vision of killing our newborn. She went to counseling the last few years but again never to address her issues, only mine.”

You also stated that you did 90% of housework.

Tablefor9 was not reading between the lines, just accepting what you yourself said about your wife–that she was cold and emotionally unsupportive and did barely anything at home.

Right.

So I guess the real question is why do you want to reconcile with a woman who refuses to change her behaviour? Why do you want to reconcile with a woman who sees no use for counselling, and only focuses on your problems?

Lou

 

[Tablefor9]

Funny how you read between the lines and put words in my mouth.

**I haven’t put words in your mouth. You said that you did 90% of the housework (which is heroic, given the effects of clinical depression and traumatic brain injury/repeat concussions–which generally involves limited ability to cope with work and home skills and a lot of bed rest/paced or gradually increasing activity). I would have thought the children had chores, but they are your children and not my business. **

What does having multiple concussions have to do with my ability to do house work? And I never said I had no emotional (name removed by moderator)ut from my wife.

**For the concussion issue, see above and note that: Concussion and post concussion syndrome causes headaches, forgetfulness, depression, irritability, and decreased ability to maintain attention to tasks, as well as other symptoms. With each additional concussion, the effects are worsened disproportionately to the injury. This, one would think, would have limited your work and home task function temporarily at best.

You also said your wife showed you no affection and that she was emotionally neglectful. Your words.
**

Never said I shouldered all the responsibility either.

**you said you did 90% of the laundry and housework, that you were the one raising the kids Catholic. That she did not remind of birthdays, etc. If this is so, a decently paid Nanny or Housekeeper would have been more help to you **

And it is a valid marriage because we were married in the Church.

It takes more than a lack of defect of form to make a marriage valid. I don’t know whether yours was valid at the beginning. That’s why there are tribunals.

My issue with the priest is he never heard my side.

Unless the two of you set an appointment for counseling, why would he have?

All marriages have problems. We are too quick in our culture to throw in the towel. As catholics we are called to something better.

Agreed. We are called to mutual submission before God, and esteeming each other as better than ourselves. We must be mindful, though, that at some point, everyone reaches their limit, the point beyond which there is no more grace to extend. Only God is infinite in mercy.

I love my wife and always will. And will never give up on her or my family again

This is the reason I am still praying for you and your family. This is the last time I will reply to this thread. It has been my goal, along with other women, to help you see a different point of view and to help open your eyes to important things you may have missed. It is charity to tell the truth and to help a struggling brother.

 

[pianistclare]

Just curious. 90% of the housework seems like a lot for a husband.
Did you suffer from unemployment?
My late husband was chronically unemployed and did the bulk of the housework while I held down 3 jobs.
He felt like everyone thought everything was his fault and refused therapy himself.
Just curious. Praying for your situation.

 

[bellasdad]

Just curious. 90% of the housework seems like a lot for a husband.
Did you suffer from unemployment?
My late husband was chronically unemployed and did the bulk of the housework while I held down 3 jobs.
He felt like everyone thought everything was his fault and refused therapy himself.
Just curious. Praying for your situation.

No, I was employed. The housework was just part of my upbringing. Being the youngest of 6 boys and no girls, it fell to me to help my mom. My wife was the oldest child and only female but do to friction between her mother, she didn’t do that. Plus I had my own place when we met and she was fresh out of college .

 

[bellasdad]

Right.

So I guess the real question is why do you want to reconcile with a woman who refuses to change her behaviour? Why do you want to reconcile with a woman who sees no use for counselling, and only focuses on your problems?

Lou

Because she is my wife and the mother of my children.

 

[bellasdad]

I’m not saying that anyone should claim anything; it’s something that should be offered without asking. If one spouse is refusing to provide any affection and not willing to work on the reasons for refusal I’m not really sure what people expect to happen. If you want to push your spouse to an affair that is probably the best way to go about it.

Well said.

 

[Lou2U]

Because she is my wife and the mother of my children.

I understand that. But you’ve stated that your wife didn’t show you affection and was unwilling to work on it with you. How can you fix a problem that isn’t acknowledged? It really isn’t enough for her to be a mother to your children.

I’m sorry OP, but unless your wife decides for herself that she wants to change, I don’t see a reconciliation happening.

Lou

 

[bellasdad]

Yep, I get that Lou. One thing that I have learned is that I cannot change her. I just need to work on me. I pray everyday, several times a day that God will change her heart.
Thank you

 

[ShadowBoxer]

Sorry about your situation friend. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. This is the second thread I’ve read in the last week that gave me serious concerns about getting married. Despite not wishing to sound callous I have to ask the same question that some of the other posters have: Are you sure it’s even worth it to try to reconcile? Don’t answer me, answer yourself. I know from your previous posts that you still love her but bear in mind that love isn’t a feeling, it’s a choice. If she has chosen not to love you (which I strongly suspect she has) then there really isn’t anything you can do, unfortunately. I personally think that the best thing that you can do is to cultivate relationships with your kids, because whatever damage has been done there (if any) can definitely be repaired. You may even find in a few years that your adversity has brought you even closer to them than you were before the divorce. I also recommend working on yourself. Workout and cultivate hobbies. Your wife leaving you has no doubt left a big hole. Try to fill it with something constructive. Take care.

 

[Hail_Linus]

Yep, I get that Lou. One thing that I have learned is that I cannot change her. I just need to work on me. I pray everyday, several times a day that God will change her heart.
Thank you

My wife divorced me. I just told her God would bring her back to me one day. I just left her alone and lived my life.

Sure enough she came back two years later and said I was right, God did lead her back to me.

I hope my story offers a ray a hope.