Divorcing

[saveme09]

Almost 4 months ago my husband came home from work and told me he wanted to separate from me, I was in shock and so was the rest of the world who knew us. We were the perfect match…the coolest couple…Not so cool anymore.

In all these 4 months since i’ve been alone I can’t say I haven’t had time to think and realize that I needed this time to remember how to be me and know that I won’t die without a husband.

He complained of me being his shadow and being dependent on him. I just got a full time job and passed by realestate license. I think 07 is treating me pretty good.

In all aspects of this divorce I’ve tried to remain sane. I keep telling myself that god has a way better plan for me. My husband never believed in me, he wanted to change me and controll me…he still does…eventhough he left.

But if anyone is recently going through the same…please realize that in the end we truly due learn and we must fall to pick ourselves up again. And god truly is watching over our every move…he has a better plan…its God’s Plan.

 

[Robaynne]

I have been separated for a year and a bit and I received divorce papers in November 06. Everything should be finalised by May 07. But you do feel at peace eventually and realise that life does go on.

Yes, you will feel lonely, depressed and miserable at times but do not allow that to consume you and control your life. God has another plan we don’t know what it is but he has a plan. I was angry with God for a long time but I came to realise that without him in my life I would still be 5 steps back instead of 5 steps forward. And that at the end of the day my husband is the looser not me. He is missing out on his kids life and to see them grow up. He is missing out on the best thing that ever happened to him. He wanted to mold me and make me into something that I was not. He made me feel that he was the only man who wanted me and that I would not be able to make it without him. He left me for a much younger women a 19 year old to be precise. But she will have to deal with him now and that is not my problem anymore.

But life does go on and we should never give up hope. God will never forsaken us.

 

[AlaAnnie]

I am currently on the divorce path myself. He moved out of our bedroom back in May. I filed for divorce the week after Christmas. I’m just waiting for him to get out of the house now. It will be so much better when he’s not there day in and day out.

After my first husband died, I went through a program that was put together by the church called Beginning Experience. It’s located all over the country. I plan to go through it again when I get a little further down the road in this process. It’s wonderful for putting you back together and making you whole. I would encourage you to see if there is a group near you.

God bless - Annie

 

[mariam1976]

i think i have come to hate the phrase “life goes on” now… those were the words that will ring forever in my ears from my husband when he said that he was moving out.
how can you say that when your whole life is collapsing around you? you are getting DIVORCED and it is not a small deal…
i am sorry if i hurt anyone’s feelings with these words but i believe that it is just becos someone told him these words while they were telling him that divorce was the way to go that he decided that no one would be hurt in this process.

 

[jrabs]

I am sorry that you are going through this.

God does have a great plan for you when you listen and keep your eyes and ears on Him.

God bless you in 2007

 

[masondoggy]

He complained of me being his shadow and being dependent on him. I just got a full time job and passed by realestate license. I think 07 is treating me pretty good.

In all aspects of this divorce I’ve tried to remain sane. I keep telling myself that god has a way better plan for me. My husband never believed in me, he wanted to change me and controll me…he still does…eventhough he left.

It sounds like he is trying to put the blame on you for his own problems. Don’t let him do that to you. A woman is supposed to be able to be dependent on her husband…if that’s a problem then that is his failure, not yours. He’s just attempting to take the guilt off his shoulders.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I’ve been where your at and I know how much it hurts. When DH left me, I turned everything over to God and eventually things worked out. We have a great marriage now. So, don’t completely give up on your marriage. Just turn it over to God and accept whatever outcome He has in mind.

 

[cecilia97]

Hi saveme09,

You’re right, things will be OK as long as you stay close to God. I’ve been divorced about as long as you’ve been separated. It’s not a good process, and not one I would suggest to anyone, but if it’s the path you must take, God will make sure you have the things you need to survive.

There are one or two Catholic divorce support resources in my diocese…a little harder to find than the groups held at non-denom churches, but I think worth it since divorce is not the time to have others questioning you about your faith.

I’ll be praying for you and your family. There is a new surge of grief after the divorce process is finalized…be on gaurd and take care of yourself. Please pray for me too!

cecilia

 

[cecilia97]

Hi mariam,

hugs You have never left my prayers! Those words can be used in the wrong spirit. Just because life “goes on” does not mean there is not grief and healing to get through. But you ARE still alive and blessings will come to you in the future.

The “leaver” and the “left” have different perspectives. The leaver has often been looking forward to a new reality for some time. The “left” can feel behind and pressured to catch up and begin looking forward before it’s comfortable. Give yourself time to grieve and heal. I recommend a book called “Life After Loss” by Bob Deits for anyone going through this…it’s helped me a great deal. And making frequent Holy Hours!

cecilia

 

[Norseman82]

He says you are dependent on him, despite the fact you work and have a real estate license? I have only two things to offer:

1. Is there something else going on with him?
2. If the answer to #1 above is no and what he states is his true motivaton, then perhaps you should consider this a separation period and have him get some counseling. I don’t know how overcontrolling he is or if it constitutes abuse, but from an outsider perspective, if it is not abusive, I just want to add not to abandon this marriage too quickly.

And for all those who throw around this whole “God has a better plan” stuff…unless there is abuse involved, how can divorce be part of God’s plan and that it be better than marriage? Does not scripture state that God hates divorce and that it is His will that the marriage last “until death do us part”? (Unless His plan is that your husband become a priest ad you a nun, that is…). I’m sorry, but the whole “God’s will” and “God’s plan” 15-second soundbites are thrown around too much while actually forgetting the basics of what God already has revealed.

BTW, is there a patron saint for fighting to keep marriages together? I have relatives dealing with a marriage breakup.

 

[mariam1976]

Hi mariam,

hugs You have never left my prayers! Those words can be used in the wrong spirit. Just because life “goes on” does not mean there is not grief and healing to get through. But you ARE still alive and blessings will come to you in the future.

The “leaver” and the “left” have different perspectives. The leaver has often been looking forward to a new reality for some time. The “left” can feel behind and pressured to catch up and begin looking forward before it’s comfortable. Give yourself time to grieve and heal. I recommend a book called “Life After Loss” by Bob Deits for anyone going through this…it’s helped me a great deal. And making frequent Holy Hours!

cecilia

Hi cecilia… thank you so much for your prayers… unfortunately i am not able to pray nowadays and have left it altogether for now… i think it is the result of having been praying for 7 straight months without ceasing and not having seen any results!! i know a lot of my friends are praying for me and that is the reason why i am still here today as i have always felt HIM near when i am hurting.
I just received the papers back from him all completed. he does not miss a beat. i know what you mean that they have been looking forward to moving on for sometime and thats the reason why it does not hurt him so much as he is already over it.
I have always been intuitive about how he has been feeling and for some reason I have been having this feeling for a while now that he wants to come back and is just looking for a venue to do so. This is just a feeling and nothing more. I dont know what to do about it. Will you please pray for the both of us so that if he does want to come back, he gets the courage to give me a call and talk to me?
hugs to you for remembering me in your prayers for so long… may God bless you with all the abundance you could dream of and MORE!!!

 

[mariam1976]

And for all those who throw around this whole “God has a better plan” stuff…unless there is abuse involved, how can divorce be part of God’s plan and that it be better than marriage? Does not scripture state that God hates divorce and that it is His will that the marriage last “until death do us part”? (Unless His plan is that your husband become a priest ad you a nun, that is…). I’m sorry, but the whole “God’s will” and “God’s plan” 15-second soundbites are thrown around too much while actually forgetting the basics of what God already has revealed.

BTW, is there a patron saint for fighting to keep marriages together? I have relatives dealing with a marriage breakup.

I completely agree with you… everyone just says that God has a better plan. I myself dont know what to say or do when people say this to me as I know that they mean well and I dont want to hurt them. but i want to scream out and say what is the better plan??? that 2 poople who were supposed to be one flesh now get to separate and torn apart and now start fresh with new partners???

 

[cecilia97]

And for all those who throw around this whole “God has a better plan” stuff…unless there is abuse involved, how can divorce be part of God’s plan and that it be better than marriage? Does not scripture state that God hates divorce and that it is His will that the marriage last “until death do us part”? (Unless His plan is that your husband become a priest ad you a nun, that is…). I’m sorry, but the whole “God’s will” and “God’s plan” 15-second soundbites are thrown around too much while actually forgetting the basics of what God already has revealed.

I think people say those things when they’re trying to offer comfort and don’t know what else to say. You hear it when a relative dies too…that it was God’s plan. Well…not exactly. But people are often akward about dealing with other’s sadness.

The catechism does say that separation is permissable to protect a spouse from physical harm or financial/inheritance loss. It’s around paragraph 1649.

I think people like myself who have been divorced know even better that divorce is not part of “God’s plan”. But that doesn’t mean we could have done anything better than we did, or that we continually need to hang our heads in shame after the fact.

 

[mariam1976]

I think people say those things when they’re trying to offer comfort and don’t know what else to say. You hear it when a relative dies too…that it was God’s plan. Well…not exactly. But people are often akward about dealing with other’s sadness.

The catechism does say that separation is permissable to protect a spouse from physical harm or financial/inheritance loss. It’s around paragraph 1649.

I think people like myself who have been divorced know even better that divorce is not part of “God’s plan”. But that doesn’t mean we could have done anything better than we did, or that we continually need to hang our heads in shame after the fact.

yes… everyone is just trying to comfort you and you dont know what to say in return… i dont agree with it but to flat out say that would mean that you would end up hurting the person who is trying to give you some comfort and solace. i think the best response would be to say you have my prayers…

cecilia - how did you accept that your marriage was over? i am still not able to accept it!!! and i pray to God to give me the strength to accept it but somehow I am not able to get it. somewhere deep down i still hold down to hope that he wants to come back whereas everything upfront tells me he doesnt!!

 

[cecilia97]

yes… everyone is just trying to comfort you and you dont know what to say in return… i dont agree with it but to flat out say that would mean that you would end up hurting the person who is trying to give you some comfort and solace. i think the best response would be to say you have my prayers…

cecilia - how did you accept that your marriage was over? i am still not able to accept it!!! and i pray to God to give me the strength to accept it but somehow I am not able to get it. somewhere deep down i still hold down to hope that he wants to come back whereas everything upfront tells me he doesnt!!

I still have trouble accepting it now too, and I occaisionally second guess myself and think “maybe I should have done ABC”. But for the most part it was pretty clear. He was not around, we had not been intimate in more than a year, and he continually failed to put any effort into changing things. I just could not do it myself. I prayed and prayed asking God to heal my marriage…now more and more I think we actually married for our own reasons and not because it was what God wanted for/from us. Maybe the best way for God to heal that situation was for us to live separately. Maybe God’s answer to my prayers was just “no”. I don’t know.

I did give ex-hubby one last chance to reconcile because I believed we made sacred promises to each other, but he declined. After that, you can do whatever you want but you can’t make the other person want to reconcile. But I’m glad I did it…in my moments of doubt I know I tried everything I could.

Not to give the impression that I still want to be married (it was a bad situation)…but I think there’s always hope even after it’s “over”. I have family who divorced and then remarried years later…they are the sweetest couple ever and obviously totally in love.

Can you go spend some time in front of the Blessed Sacrament? It may help you pray and find some peace.

 

[cecilia97]

how did you accept that your marriage was over? i am still not able to accept it!!! and i pray to God to give me the strength to accept it but somehow I am not able to get it. QUOTE]

Try the book I mentioned before, it may help. I spoke with my priest about something similar recently and his advice was so simple…it takes time, keep trying to do the right thing, ask for forgiveness when you fail. Same with the situation you have now…it just takes time. It’s grief, almost the same as if your spouse had died…it feels like your marriage is dying. It’s OK not to get it all at once.

 

[mariam1976]

I did give ex-hubby one last chance to reconcile because I believed we made sacred promises to each other, but he declined. After that, you can do whatever you want but you can’t make the other person want to reconcile. But I’m glad I did it…in my moments of doubt I know I tried everything I could.
Can you go spend some time in front of the Blessed Sacrament? It may help you pray and find some peace.

I gave my husband many many chances to reconcile- maybe too many as they say that if you push too hard, you push them away. I think i did whatever he said to do which would help us reconcile so that i would not be left with any doubt that i had not done all that i could. but in the end, he just used all that to justify that he had been right all along and went away just the same.
i am not able to pray now at all although i do cry and the pain makes me take “Jesus” name but for the most part there is no prayer in my life at all. on the weekend, i picked up the rosary and wanted to start praying but try and try as i could, i could not do it!! i did not feel it in my heart to start the rosary and i didnt want to do it just becos i had the rosary in my hand as that would just be me saying it by rote.
i guess it is a beginning that i was able to hold the rosary in my hand becos its been a couple of months that i have done so.

 

[dulcissima]

I gave my husband many many chances to reconcile- maybe too many as they say that if you push too hard, you push them away. I think i did whatever he said to do which would help us reconcile so that i would not be left with any doubt that i had not done all that i could. but in the end, he just used all that to justify that he had been right all along and went away just the same.
i am not able to pray now at all although i do cry and the pain makes me take “Jesus” name but for the most part there is no prayer in my life at all. on the weekend, i picked up the rosary and wanted to start praying but try and try as i could, i could not do it!! i did not feel it in my heart to start the rosary and i didnt want to do it just becos i had the rosary in my hand as that would just be me saying it by rote.
i guess it is a beginning that i was able to hold the rosary in my hand becos its been a couple of months that i have done so.

Hi Mariam,
I have been having this problem too now, after months of having received so much consolation and peace from praying the rosary almost daily. What I do now, when I want so much to pray the rosary but can’t, is that I pray the memorare:

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that
never was it known that anyone who fled to
your protection, implored your help, or sought
your intercession, was left unaided. Inspired by
this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgins of Virgins,
my Mother. To you I come, before you I stand,
sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate,
despise not my petitions, but in your mercy,
hear and answer me. Amen.

May our Blessed Mother and her divine Son continue to bless and strengthen you. You can be confident of her prayers. Mary

 

[cecilia97]

I gave my husband many many chances to reconcile- maybe too many as they say that if you push too hard, you push them away. I think i did whatever he said to do which would help us reconcile so that i would not be left with any doubt that i had not done all that i could. but in the end, he just used all that to justify that he had been right all along and went away just the same.
i am not able to pray now at all although i do cry and the pain makes me take “Jesus” name but for the most part there is no prayer in my life at all. on the weekend, i picked up the rosary and wanted to start praying but try and try as i could, i could not do it!! i did not feel it in my heart to start the rosary and i didnt want to do it just becos i had the rosary in my hand as that would just be me saying it by rote.
i guess it is a beginning that i was able to hold the rosary in my hand becos its been a couple of months that i have done so.

Most of the time during my divorce I would go through my rosary at light speed. It was all I could do, and saying the words almost as fast as possible took my mind of things and sort of put me in a painless trance. Sure that’s less than ideal, but I think Our Lady understood. Now I’m finally back to my 30-minutes-to-5-decades pace.

 

[Robaynne]

mariam1976 I also hated those words but @ the end of the day “Life does go on”. I have all people have learnt that the very hard way. Things have not been easy as soon as you feel that you are taking 5 steps forward once incident happens and you are back at square one. The hardest part of everything is putting the pieces of your life together again. You put everything into a relationship and one day they wake and decide this is not what they want and they want out the marriage. And you cannot force anybody to stay with you if they do not want to. I was with my husband for 12 years and we have two beautiful children and still he left for a teenager. And they are living together and we are not even divorced yet. They have a baby together that stays with her parents and not with them.

Read my threads and you will see what I have been through but you know what I survived and so will you. You will look back one day and say “Hey, Life does go on”. Why did I spend all my time been miserable, unhappy, hurt, angry, disappointed over something that just was not meant to be. I am learning something every day.

The other day I was so angry at God and saying to him why is this happening to me. What did I do wrong. Here I am struggling to take care of the two kids, to be able to provide for them and me. It is like nothing has changed that no matter how much I pray, read the bible or go to church I am still where I was a year ago trying to recover from what happened. Here I am so lonely with nobody to love me, take care of me, go places with me and do things with me. I was crying and praying at the same time say. “Why I am so unhappy while he seems to be so happy, Why I am so lonely when he has somebody to go to bed @ night and wake up in the morning with, Why am I so lonely, Why is she getting better treatment than I ever did, I was abused physically, emotionally etc”. Why does he seem so happy when he is doing wrong and here am I following the straight and narrow path and getting such a raw deal. That I must fight, battle and struggle for everything. That he can even say to me that God has blessed him with this young girl and that he is going to make the most of it.

And as the days went by I slowly starting getting answers to my questions. That everything happens for a reason. That even though I am alone I still have two beautiful children. That I am free from the abuse. That I can be my own person and there is nobody controlling me and telling me where I should and should not go etc. That there is nothing wrong with been lonely use that time to do something constructive. And that I have become a stronger, independent and better person. That I have survived and that I am okay.

There is a movie that I would recommend that women should watch I have seen it twice but it is powerful. It is called the “The Diaries of a Mad Black Women”. Even though it is just a movie but it makes you think about your life. That most women put everything into a man and they even put their lives on hold for them. They stay at home and take care of the kids and their partners and basically put their own lives on hold. Not all women but some women do. That they stay in relationships because they think that it is the right think to do, because of the kids, because they have no other place to go, that they are afraid to be alone.

Sometimes things are beyond us and we just have to leave it up to God. He has been so good to me and when things do not go right then we blame him. He shows us the path we need to follow but we divert and take another path and wonder why things never work out.

Hang in there mariam1976 there are going to be terrible days and there are going to be good days. But never give up on faith, hope and belief. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and everything is in Gods time not ours.

 

[cecilia97]

The other day I was so angry at God and saying to him why is this happening to me. What did I do wrong. Here I am struggling to take care of the two kids, to be able to provide for them and me. It is like nothing has changed that no matter how much I pray, read the bible or go to church I am still where I was a year ago trying to recover from what happened. Here I am so lonely with nobody to love me, take care of me, go places with me and do things with me. I was crying and praying at the same time say. “Why I am so unhappy while he seems to be so happy, Why I am so lonely when he has somebody to go to bed @ night and wake up in the morning with, Why am I so lonely, Why is she getting better treatment than I ever did, I was abused physically, emotionally etc”. Why does he seem so happy when he is doing wrong and here am I following the straight and narrow path and getting such a raw deal. That I must fight, battle and struggle for everything. That he can even say to me that God has blessed him with this young girl and that he is going to make the most of it.

I think the only reason they seem so happy now is that they’re in total denial. I know, one day, my ex will wake up and realise how stupid and hurtful he’s been. He might already know it but he’s covering it well. And think about it…how can they REALLY be happy without God in their lives? Not in the long run…that superficial happiness runs out after a while.