Do Not Like/Respect Husband

[odile53]

I suppose you could try to look for his good qualities and try to build on those, be thankful that he isn’t any worse than he is (you did say that he was a hard worker, etc when you met him,) and try to make things better. You could also focus on trying to enjoy your life as an individual who happens to be married. Take a course (even online,) volunteer or get a part time job and meet other people, get involved in your community, and you will start to fill your time with interesting things so that the absence of real affection isn’t as naggingly painful. Even loving couples aren’t joined at the hip: They have both developed as individual human beings, and the joy they experience is from sharing their individual gifts.

Personally, I think part of the problem with a lot of marriages is that we simply expect too much out of a spouse. Lover, best friend, emotional support, financial support, provider of all activities interesting and worthwhile, etc, etc, isn’t it a lot to expect? One person can’t possibly provide all of that, 100 percent of the time. When someone can’t live up to these expectations, it’s natural to feel jaded, confused, angry, and pretty unloving. That’s a recipe for disaster. I also think that another reason that people are dissatisfied with spouses is because we tend to compare our spouse with the glittering stories other people recount about their spouses. Ours always seems to fall short. Yet, one wouldn’t necessarily know if the story they were listening to was pure fiction or wishful thinking!

I do disagree with one thing an earlier responder said–“respect has to be earned.” We are all due respect, and bound to give respect to each other, as fellow human beings made in the image and likeness of God.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

Counseling. Retrovaille.org. More counseling.

If he won’t go, you go by yourself. Talk with your priest.

[SIGN]This[/SIGN]

OP, if money is tight search around for clinics that offer counseling on a sliding scale. It may take a bit of digging but they are out there.

Luna

 

[sinnseanair]

I am a lonely old man. My wife passed on 7 years ago. There were times that I hated her. I am sure there were times when she hated me. However, today, I’m only half a person. We were married 44 years. I miss her terribly. Did we have a perfect marriage? Not in the slightest. We had to work at it every minute of everyday. We have 3 wonderful daughters. My middle daughter has been married 3 times, because she could find Papa (that would be me). She was the one that did everything with me while the other 2 did many things, she emptied the garbage, etc. I heard her once tell her husband that “Papa did it this way”. Her then husband became angry. I fussed at her for that. She finally found her version of “Papa” and now she’s happy. He is very ambitious, works very hard, takes her out several times a week, and generally is like I was. My youngest daughter is married to a boy she met when they were 14. They waited until they graduated from college to marry. The dated and were engaged for 10+ years. My first daughter married a boy she met in high school. They, too, married after she graduated from college. Now all three have been married for at least 2 decades and more. Why? I really don’t know. They just seem to get along. I guess my beautiful wife and I set a good example.

Speaking of examples, I grew up in the 1940’s in an old run down working class neighborhood. There were 2 families on the block that absolute hated each other. One happened to be Hebrew, they were our next door neighbors, and the other Catholic, about 3 houses down and across the street. They were always fighting as well as their children, all the way through high school. The oldest girl of the Catholic family and the oldest boy of the Hebrew family (we played football on the same high school team) hated the ground that each other walked upon. They was absolutely no common ground with these two. I joined the Marines and stayed there for 30 years, married and had a retirement home next to a Marine Corps Base in North Carolina. Last summer, I visited the old neighborhood—and was flattened to see my old running back and his wife living in his old family home. She was the Catholic girl that could not stand him. They have been married 51 years now. They have 7 children, one is a Rabbi, and one is a Priest. They explained to me that they allowed the children to choose between Hebrew and Catholic. They are so happy with each other and joked about hating each other. I learned that there is a very thin line between love and hate that week I spent with them. They happily celebrate each other’s holy days. Their children all all grown and “flew the nest” and there is just the 2 of them now. Their brothers and sisters, 3 of which still live in the same neighborhood have settled the, what my grandfather called “Hatfield McCoy feud” and are now great friends. I left 54 years ago. They said that they “met” at the drive-in about 2 years after I left and were married a year later, much to chagrin of their parents. She worked to put him through college and after the children were grown she went to college. He is a doctor now albeit retired, and she is a nurse, also retired. I know this sounds corny and made up, but it’s real. The neighborhood has gone from old run down working homes to now a high income one as it is now a historical district of our city. We alway thought the cobblestone streets were terrible because we could not skate on them.

I have thought about them many times over the years and now over the last year. How do you tell your brother priests that your brother is a Rabbi anyway?

I read the blog about the been married 13 years and no more courting. All I ask is, is there a person there that he would want to “court” again? Conversely, is he still hard working and making a home for you and the children? My wife and I never had this problem as I, being a Marine, was gone far too many times. We had to “fall in love” several times. Somehow we succeeded in doing just that. After I retired, she “kicked” me out of the house, because she was not used to me being there all the time. I found a job and she was happy again to have me come home at the right time. You see that home was her “nest” and woe betide any man that tries to change a twig on a woman’s nest. I was bored and "cleaned up the kitchen, stacking the canned food in the pantry(properly), and arranging the silverware drawer(properly). You would have thought I had burned the house down. She fussed for a week. I never touched (or moved) another item in her “nest” again.

Being in a “here today, gone tomorrow” type operation most of the time, when I picked up my backpack which was always ready to go sitting by the front door, I always found a note in it that I could not show to any of my Marines as they were all very very personal. She even sent me playboy type pictures once diguised in a box of cookies when I was in Vietnam. “This is what is waiting when you drop your backpack,” she wrote.

She always kept me surprised. One time I was pulled off one mission and sent back to Hawaii to join a unit and take them somewhere far away for another mission. It was a top secret movement. She met me at the aircraft. Somehow, one of my Jarhead brothers got her out there. We only had a few hours, but it was a great few hours and we had been married 20+ years by that time. You see what I am saying about “courting”?

 

[Bezant]

Thanks for the responses so far.
The reason I married my husband 13 years ago was because he was a hard worker, kind, thoughtful, etc. I wasn’t crazy in love with him…but I felt my “love” could grow for him as time went on. However, after we got married, it was like he was relieved that he no longer had to “court” me. He pretty much told me if I wanted to do anything or go anywhere, I should go by myself or with friends. I most certainly did not get married so I could be lonely…which is what I was for the next 3 years until we had our first child.

At any rate, there are so many things wrong with our marriage and reasons why I have no respect for him (watching porn, ignoring kids, selfish, etc). Of course, I am no angel. I have cussed him out more times then I can count. Bottom line is…I don’t think we will get divorce. So what are my options? Doesn’t help that he is not Catholic and gets annoyed with my “hobby”.

That is, of course, easier said than done. I entered into the marriage with high hopes but many things occurred that has hardened my heart.

I have come to the conclusion that I may not ever love him the way I wish I could. I am not a robot, if I could program myself to fall madly in love with him, I would. I guess I started this thread out of frustration. Not sure what is gonna happen. The only thing I do know is that it just gets worse and worse…

Dailey, I’m afraid I’ll have to be very blunt.

Your marriage is going to fail, if it hasn’t already, unless you both put up a sincere effort to salvage it (which might be impossible if you had little to start with). With this in mind, no matter what happens, you need to be realistic and do something decisive, or else the situation will certainly worsen.

Seeing where things go, waiting for something to happen or for him to do something first, talking about it–is a waste of time and energy. It’s too late for you to be passive.

Seek marriage counseling if you think there’s still something between you worth salvaging, but don’t put all of your eggs in one basket. Recognise that a civil divorce is a possibility down the road and if it happens, you need to be able to prepare yourself for custody and property issues–so see a lawyer as well.

 

[Castello]

That is, of course, easier said than done. I entered into the marriage with high hopes but many things occurred that has hardened my heart.

I have come to the conclusion that I may not ever love him the way I wish I could. I am not a robot, if I could program myself to fall madly in love with him, I would. I guess I started this thread out of frustration. Not sure what is gonna happen. The only thing I do know is that it just gets worse and worse…

I think we are using words differently.

When I speak of love, I think of something one decides to do - love is a verb, it is something we choose to do or not do.

Maybe you are speaking of emotional romantic feelings that are called “love”. Emotions lie, they can be deceptive. It is nice to have warm romantic feelings for a spouse, but, it is not required. Amazingly, they come and go in many marriages - it is deciding to love even when emotion fades that is a real solid marriage.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Is it possible to have a good marriage if you do not like or respect your spouse? Thoughts?

Ummmmm…No!

How could you have a good marriage without basic respect? Why would you marry someone you don’t like or have respect for?

:nope:

Sorry, I had not read the entire thread before posting. I did not know you were speaking specifically of your OWN marriage and the difficult situation you are in now.

I think you both need counseling, and I hope your husband is open to it. Catholic Charities offers sliding scale counseling, usually by licensed social workers who can sometimes be the most practical type of counselor.

 

[Castello]

www.retrouvaille.org

Find the next weekend and then call the Family Life office at your Diocese and ask what scholarships are available. Ask your Pastor as well - get creative and find a way to make it happen!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

www.retrouvaille.org

Find the next weekend and then call the Family Life office at your Diocese and ask what scholarships are available. Ask your Pastor as well - get creative and find a way to make it happen!

The cost in my city is only $50. That includes the entire weekend at a hotel and I think all meals as well. But if they can’t afford that, probably someone will sponsor them.

 

[Castello]

Happily married for well over two decades.

Romance comes and goes, waxes and wanes. It is nice when it is there, but, when push comes to shove I married a man and entered a sacramental marriage that is based on much much more than emotion. We share a commitment to each other and to God. We share children, living and dead. We are there for each other. We love each other every day.

Heck, if someone tells you that they even LIKE one person every moment of every day for a number of years they are either lying or crazy. There are minutes, hours and sometimes days when I don’t LIKE best friend, my spouse, my kid.

The reason that we have weathered all the things and stayed married is because we do not depend on romance or “feelings” to stay married. If we depended on feelings, one or both of us would have bailed before the first 5 years were up. Thinking that we have to have those feelings every moment of every day because that is what the media tells us is what destroys marriages.

 

[sinnseanair]

I think that many of you have been far too many romance novels. You want a man to sweep you off your feet, make mad passionate love to you and make youre heart go piddy pat every time you see him. He must be full of adventure, have all other men look up to him as he puts you on a pedestal and does your every will, fights dragons with one arm tied behind him, and leaps tall buildings at a single bound while his leaving no hair on his most handsome head out of place. He should have the body of a Greek God and speak in with a foreign accent.

Well, ladies, good luck with that. Most of us are not, nor will ever be, that man. As a male, albeit very old now, I can tell you most men just want someone to come home to. She does not have to be a playboy centerfold. When we look at her we see her always as the young lady walking down the aisle. We want someone who will understand us as we are, with all our fragilites, dumb mistakes, refusual to ask directions when driving, (Thank you Father for GPS). In short we want you to look at us like we are that man described in the above paragraph. All men are smart in some ways and very stupid in others. Many of us have grown up unloved and just do not know how to love. I’m one of those. It took a strong woman to bring out the love in me.

Oh, we’re sexually attracted, but most of us, if accosted by a very forward female, would shy away out of fear of not knowing what to do next. They say behind every great man is and even greater woman. I have found that to be very true. All the successes I had or earned as a professional was because I had great counseling from a very understanding wife. A wife that loved not because of what I was, but in spite of it. She told me that when she married me that she thought I was going to become the Commandant of the Marine Corps. Came close, never made it. Far too much politics at that level for me.

We lived in the mountains for awhile after we retired just because that was one of our life goals. We heated with wood. I sawed, she toted, well, the lighter loads anyways. I split, she stacked. I recall that the electricity was out for almost 2 weeks one winter and we were literally snowed in. I dug out my small portable stove and heat tabs and she cooked with one pan, sometimes in the can. We had a ball. When the police finally showed up to check on us they thought we would be dead, told us that. We were fine because we had each other, and a portable radio that we took turns winding up the generator so we could hear music. We played checkers, cards, did cross word puzzles, and slept beside the fireplace to keep warm. There was just her, our dog, and me. We lived up there for 2 years. Just the 2 of us most times.

Were there hard times with money in our marriage? Sure there was. I can recall living in California she was pregnant and craving a Taco. We had to go through all the furniture, dirty clothes, under the bed, all over just to find enough change to afford to buy 2 of them. I walked to the nearest Taco Bell about a mile away. We didn’t have money for gasoline for the car to go anwhere but work. We told that story many times to our grandchildren who are now married and have families of their own.

Now, I was never the swashbuckling handsomest man that swung in on a rope and took her away. I was so thin that I played wide receiver on the high school football team. It was either that or the tackling dummy. I am not good looking, never was. My wife was never the movie star beautiful. She was five feet even, a little rotund, and the most beautiful girl I ever met in my life. I recall a conversation after I had my prostate removed due to cancer. She asked me if I was still attracted to her. My answer, “Shoot, to me, you still look like you are 17”.

She was a nurse. I was in the intensive care. She worked at the same hospital in, of all places, the labor and delivery and newborn nursery. She came up one floor to check on me. She kissed me on the cheek and the ICU nurses came running in—because my heart rate suddenly spiked. Her only response was, 'I still got it". She was right.

So, all this frump about living with a man that you cannot respect is akin the a Dixie Chicks song that has the words “Cowboy take me away, fly me the highest you can into the wild blue”. I suppose that is what every female wants. Secret is most men want the same thing.

If I am boring you and intruding upon “sacred” female ground, well that’s too bad. It’s high time to stop dreaming and start living in reality. Pull out your birth certificate and find the word “fair” on it. Pull out your Marriage License and find the word “fair” on it. Life is not fair. Our Father never meant it to be. That is why he gave us free will. There are bad men and bad women in this world. There have always been what we now call “porn”. One of the oldest found human carvings is called the “Venus of Wallendorf”. It is the figure of a female with round firm hips and very large breasts. It is estimated to be over 2 millions years old. The “porn” of the time.

So both men and women dream. It is what they do with those dreams that’s important. Now, stop feeling sorry for yourselves, and get busy living with the purpose of those vows you stated to God when you married. You sound like a bunch of whining little chicks calling for their mother hen.

 

[dailey]

I am really enjoying these stories. Thank you for taking the time to share them will all of us!

However, I must clarify something. It does seem that some of you think I have an unrealistic, silly idea of what a marriage is suppose to be. Trust me, I do not expect my husband to sweep me off my feet and cater to my every needs. I do not expect his body to be tight and fit as it once was. I do not expect him to fight off dragons or leap tall buildings. I do not live in a fantasy world. You know what I do expect though? I expect him to talk to me once in a while. I expect him to have an interest in his kids. I expect him to take me out for a date at least once every 6 months. I expect him to go for a walk with me and the kids once or twice in the summer. Unfortunately, these are things he is not interested in doing. Seriously, all I need is a little attention to make me happy. I think the fact my husband has not taken me out since 2007 speaks VOLUMES.

So anyways, I guess we will continue on as we always have. I would love to go to retrouville. It looks like you have to spend the whole weekend away though. Not good since we have small children and no babysitter. I will talk to my priest, however, and see what he has to say. Actually, I went to one a few weeks ago and was telling him that divorce was not really an option…and he said “Why not”? Ha! Caught me off guard! I would not entertain that idea though as I have children and would not want them to be put in that situation.

 

[Luvz2travel]

Sounds like your husband is only into himself. Been there done that just never married them. No advice to give here just prayers. Usually you can’t change people like that unfortunately.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I think that many of you have been far too many romance novels. You want a man to sweep you off your feet, make mad passionate love to you and make youre heart go piddy pat every time you see him. He must be full of adventure, have all other men look up to him as he puts you on a pedestal and does your every will, fights dragons with one arm tied behind him, and leaps tall buildings at a single bound while his leaving no hair on his most handsome head out of place. He should have the body of a Greek God and speak in with a foreign accent.

Well, ladies, good luck with that. Most of us are not, nor will ever be, that man. As a male, albeit very old now, I can tell you most men just want someone to come home to. She does not have to be a playboy centerfold. When we look at her we see her always as the young lady walking down the aisle. We want someone who will understand us as we are, with all our fragilites, dumb mistakes, refusual to ask directions when driving, (Thank you Father for GPS). In short we want you to look at us like we are that man described in the above paragraph. All men are smart in some ways and very stupid in others. Many of us have grown up unloved and just do not know how to love. I’m one of those. It took a strong woman to bring out the love in me.

I love your posts! It really gives us perspective, and hearing about your DW is wonderful. Sounds as if you two were a great team. I know it’s difficult, but even when one spouse is less than interested, the other one always has the choice to step up the game and do things to improve the marriage anyway. Instead of sitting back and saying to oneself, “Well HE or SHE isn’t doing X, so I am not going to do Y!” Just do Y and see if that doesn’t start changing things!

 

[NoSage]

Is it possible to have a good marriage if you do not like or respect your spouse? Thoughts?

No, sadly, it is not. I feel your pain as I live it every day. I do not know your age, but I assume you are fairly young as you speak of younger children. I will tell you be very careful. Bad situations have a way of getting worse in such a gradual way, that you never realize how bad they are and how much it is affecting you in a negative way. Your husband may actually be mentally abusive to you and your children without you even realizing it. My children and I were didn’t realize it. It was just our life. If I had it to do over again, I would have left. My girls can’t stand their father and I can’t say I blame them. It is somewhat better with my boys but no where near what it should be. I am very new to this site. This is only my second response to anyone’s post. I came here looking for support on the exact same matter. I am still with my husband. My kids are now grown so it is easier, but I struggle every day. Pray, pray, pray, and know that you are important too. Protect yourself and your children, mental health is just as important as physical health. We learn to parent from example. What type of example is your husband setting for your children? I will pray for you.

 

[Castello]

Go to your book store or library and get Matthew Kelly’s “The 7 Levels of Intimacy”.

Sounds as if you need to remember your story.

What did you do when you were dating? Did you date and never talk? Where did you go when you were dating? What are HIS interests?

Do you know how many conversations I have had about Hot Wheels, WWII aircraft and Star Wars - I’m not into those things, but, my husband is and so I listen and go to air shows and watch the movies for the twelve jillionth time.

 

[AlltheRoses]

Is it possible to have a good marriage if you do not like or respect your spouse? Thoughts?

I don’t think that you can have a good relationship with anyone without respect

 

[dailey]

NOSAGE, thanks for your post! Its always nice when someone knows where I am coming from. Sometimes I think I should just offer it up as my cross. But of course, its so hard because I get very lonely.

Go to your book store or library and get Matthew Kelly’s “The 7 Levels of Intimacy”.

Sounds as if you need to remember your story.

What did you do when you were dating? Did you date and never talk? Where did you go when you were dating? What are HIS interests?

Do you know how many conversations I have had about Hot Wheels, WWII aircraft and Star Wars - I’m not into those things, but, my husband is and so I listen and go to air shows and watch the movies for the twelve jillionth time.

See, the thing is, when we dated my husband was great. He would take me out to dinner often, talk to me for hours, go on long walks, etc. He was the epitome of the (almost) perfect boyfriend. We had many similar interest and I felt we could have a nice life together. After we got married, he changed. And no, I don’t mean after a few months or a few years…I mean right after we got married. It was like he let out a big sigh of relief and said “Whew, glad that dating-thing is over cause now I don’t have to do nothing”. He never came out and said this of course, but he did say to me shortly after we wed that I wasn’t going anywhere because I had no money or place to stay.

 

[Sillara]

But I do find that many people on this forum who talk about how “warm romantic feelings” are not required and that “love is not a feeling” are often people who have never experienced this with someone else.
It’s hard to imagine that if one had, they’d want to be married to someone with whom they don’t feel it.

I am one of the ones who states that “love is not a feeling”. I have been married for nearly 15 years, so is longer than the OP.

I am also one of those who HAS experienced the “mushy, romantic love”. I have felt the butterflies, the sense of seeing my future in his eyes, of looking at his sleeping face and feeling such love that it brings me to tears.

And yet I know perfectly well that this romantic emotion, while delightful and precious to me, is not the foundation upon which my marriage is built. We are married because we made oaths to each other nearly 15 years ago. We have been through things in our marriage that, by all accounts, ought to have destroyed it. But it has not, and the reason it has not has nothing to do with the sweet and loving feelings I may or may not have on a given day. It has do with my choice to love him, regardless of how I might feel.

 

[Art321]

I am one of the ones who states that “love is not a feeling”. I have been married for nearly 15 years, so is longer than the OP.

I am also one of those who HAS experienced the “mushy, romantic love”. I have felt the butterflies, the sense of seeing my future in his eyes, of looking at his sleeping face and feeling such love that it brings me to tears.

And yet I know perfectly well that this romantic emotion, while delightful and precious to me, is not the foundation upon which my marriage is built. We are married because we made oaths to each other nearly 15 years ago. We have been through things in our marriage that, by all accounts, ought to have destroyed it. But it has not, and the reason it has not has nothing to do with the sweet and loving feelings I may or may not have on a given day. It has do with my choice to love him, regardless of how I might feel.

Couldn’t have said better myself!

God bless you and your husband!

 

[Sillara]

Couldn’t have said better myself!

God bless you and your husband!

Thank you!