Do Not Like/Respect Husband

[ChiRho]

Hey there you, I’ll have you know that I have posted on here regarding MY faults plenty of times (just look at my previous threads if you don’t believe me)!

Actually, I posted this particular thread the other night because I had gotten into another fight with my husband. I just felt so defeated and since I don’t have many close friends anymore, I came here to vent.

I don’t have a social life, though I do go to my Nocturnal Adoration group once a month, even then my husband gets annoyed because he doesn’t like watching the kids for the hour.

I just don’t see any threads where you complain about your shortcomings for multiple pages, and I did search the history to confirm, sorry. I’m not saying that your husband is a saint, but there comes a point where complaining and having others listen to you becomes an enticing relief from stress, and it doesn’t bring you any closer to resolution

 

[cviolette]

It is very telling that you remember that he hasn’t done something from 2007. Are you keeping score? Now you sound like my wife when she was mad… As I said in a previous post some men grow up never having known what love is. I am one of those. Seedy details not worth remembering. So, we don’t know how to love, how to share, how to enjoy a family life. It took a very strong woman to teach me how to love, or rather be in love. There is a huge difference.

plowed.

It sounds like you had a beautiful marriage. You did have two things going for you. You were willing to learn how to love and had a strong woman to teach you. Sometimes in a marriage neither has a clue. I had never seen a loving marriage. I knew how to love my children but did not understand loving my spouse. I have learned about what love means since returning to the Church.

 

[dailey]

dailey, I’m praying for you and your husband.

My marital situation and yours are quite different, but I think a couple things that help me to let go of the hurt my wife causes me could be helpful for you…

First, when I am tempted to tally up another pain my wife has caused me I thank God for having her in my life.

Second, I keep Genesis 50:20 in mind, “As for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good…”

Whatever it is that has hurt me, God will use it for good, maybe to teach me humility, or patience. Maybe to remind me that He was scourged and crucified for my sins. Maybe because the 30 seconds I stand there stewing will keep me from walking in front of a bus when I go to grab the mail… Only He knows how it will work into His plan…

Thanks for the prayers and kind words! I definitely appreciate them.

 

[dailey]

I just don’t see any threads where you complain about your shortcomings for multiple pages, and I did search the history to confirm, sorry. I’m not saying that your husband is a saint, but there comes a point where complaining and having others listen to you becomes an enticing relief from stress, and it doesn’t bring you any closer to resolution

The reason this thread has become multiple pages is because people keep replying. And seriously, who are you to say that it doesn’t bring me any closer to a resolution? I have found this thread most helpful. I have thought very carefully about the advice that has been given to me… as well as the stories that were shared. I was recommended a book (that I plan on reading) from Castello. Sinnseanair said this in one of his post…

Originally Posted by sinnseanair View Post
It is very telling that you remember that he hasn’t done something from 2007. Are you keeping score? Now you sound like my wife when she was mad… As I said in a previous post some men grow up never having known what love is. I am one of those. Seedy details not worth remembering. So, we don’t know how to love, how to share, how to enjoy a family life. It took a very strong woman to teach me how to love, or rather be in love. There is a huge difference…"

I thought about this paragraph throughout the day. And it made a lot of sense to me. It made me see my relationship in a different light and how I was treating my husband.

I also had a lot of people in this thread offer their prayers for me…which I see you did not do. So really, what was your point for even commenting in this thread? Please don’t tell me that this thread was not helpful, maybe not for you, but it sure was for me.

 

[severus68]

The reason this thread has become multiple pages is because people keep replying. And seriously, who are you to say that it doesn’t bring me any closer to a resolution? I have found this thread most helpful. I have thought very carefully about the advice that has been given to me… as well as the stories that were shared. I was recommended a book (that I plan on reading) from Castello. Sinnseanair said this in one of his post…

Originally Posted by sinnseanair View Post
It is very telling that you remember that he hasn’t done something from 2007. Are you keeping score? Now you sound like my wife when she was mad… As I said in a previous post some men grow up never having known what love is. I am one of those. Seedy details not worth remembering. So, we don’t know how to love, how to share, how to enjoy a family life. It took a very strong woman to teach me how to love, or rather be in love. There is a huge difference…"

I thought about this paragraph throughout the day. And it made a lot of sense to me. It made me see my relationship in a different light and how I was treating my husband.

I also had a lot of people in this thread offer their prayers for me…which I see you did not do. So really, what was your point for even commenting in this thread? Please don’t tell me that this thread was not helpful, maybe not for you, but it sure was for me.

Many people have shared with you and tried being helpful. I can only pray for you and your family. I know it cannot have been a good start to your marriage when told by your new husband that you could not leave as you had no money and no place to go. . Only you know what you battle every day. For the sake of your children and yourself, try counselling as many have suggested.

As a site note, Sinnseanair’s posts of his marriage touched me to.

I wish you all the best dailey, God bless you.

 

[sinnseanair]

Thanks for the kind posts. Going over all the posts again, I find that I was a little too direct, but, that is my Marine training. A Marine once told me “Every tub has to sit on it’s own bottom”; and “when you see a bucket of dung, you call it dung”. I’ve pretty much lived by those sayings. The same man also told me, “If they give you any guff, level the place”. In my time that was the mantra. It worked.

Every person has a personality. You cannot do all the mission yourself. So, you have to train the right person for the right slot. Sometimes, that involves getting tough. My wife got tough on me many times. Her teachings on how to come out of my shell and show my real self to her kept both of us together and happy, enjoying each other.

We were sleeping one night in the 1990’s after I came home from rehab from having throat cancer. I was weak, and sullen. Sometimes the pain was so bad that I prayed to die. But, as usual God answers all prayers----his answer was “NO”. I was having bad dreams about being “back there”. She was sleeping close to me. I had fallen asleep with my hands folded over my forehead to lessen my headache. I dreamed the enemy grabbed me from behind and took immediate action punching back with my upper arm—directly into her nose. I woke up immediately realizing what I had just done. Now a Marine never apologizes—It’s a sign of weakness. But, I was yelling “I’m sorry” over and over. Her nose swelled up and both of her eyes went black in a matter of minutes. Somehow, she understood. The only thing she did was to go and get a skillet out of the drawer in the stove. “I’m going to sleep with this skillet and dream that I am defending myself”. I didn’t break her nose, Thank God, only because I was too weak from the radiation But, for a couple of weeks she looked like she had come out second in a barfight. However, she said I slept very quietly for the rest of that night. She put up with a lot during those times. I kicked out a window pane in my fighting in my sleep, threw her on the floor yelling “grenade”, and kept waking her up yelling. She remembered in the 1960’s, that the only way I was able to sleep soundly was to have a loaded pistol under my pillow. So, she placed my .45 locked and cocked under my pillow. She took an almost frightful chance with that. But, she never left my side. She still fit in the small of my back with her arm around my chest and that’s where she slept. Took me about 3 months to get over that. I could/cannot not take drugs. I would have never made a drug addict because I would, and still do, throw up every drug but Tylenol. She withstood that. She understood that. She was a nurse.

in all my nightly reliving of missions, I never accidently hit her again. I think it was the subconscious thought about that skillet. There is no doubt in my conscious mind, even today, that if I ever accidently did anything like that again, I would have awakened with a huge knob on my head.

I had the best of everything. I had a private duty nurse that I got to sleep with and more. God works in his own ways. He gives us dumb guys, very smart and understanding wives—at least in my case.

I’m wondering how many wives out there would put up with that?

 

[Castello]

As you look for books, also try to get a copy of Interior Freedom by Jacques Philippe. It is a life changing kind of book.

 

[ChiRho]

The reason this thread has become multiple pages is because people keep replying. And seriously, who are you to say that it doesn’t bring me any closer to a resolution? I have found this thread most helpful. I have thought very carefully about the advice that has been given to me… as well as the stories that were shared. I was recommended a book (that I plan on reading) from Castello. Sinnseanair said this in one of his post…

Originally Posted by sinnseanair View Post
It is very telling that you remember that he hasn’t done something from 2007. Are you keeping score? Now you sound like my wife when she was mad… As I said in a previous post some men grow up never having known what love is. I am one of those. Seedy details not worth remembering. So, we don’t know how to love, how to share, how to enjoy a family life. It took a very strong woman to teach me how to love, or rather be in love. There is a huge difference…"

I thought about this paragraph throughout the day. And it made a lot of sense to me. It made me see my relationship in a different light and how I was treating my husband.

I also had a lot of people in this thread offer their prayers for me…which I see you did not do. So really, what was your point for even commenting in this thread? Please don’t tell me that this thread was not helpful, maybe not for you, but it sure was for me.

Looks like you’re keeping score of prayers too. A good outcome to a thread (your relationship’s hopeful improvement) does not mean the means to get there were justified (berating a husband behind his back).

 

[TryingToLearn]

I just don’t see any threads where you complain about your shortcomings for multiple pages, and I did search the history to confirm, sorry. I’m not saying that your husband is a saint, but there comes a point where complaining and having others listen to you becomes an enticing relief from stress, and it doesn’t bring you any closer to resolution

try spending more time on this forum complaining about your faults than his. this forum is helpful for resolving family issues or giving advice, but it frequently turns into a platform for a poster to open both barrels on a spouse that cant defend themselves

Looks like you’re keeping score of prayers too. A good outcome to a thread (your relationship’s hopeful improvement) does not mean the means to get there were justified (berating a husband behind his back).

Who’s keeping score?

 

[dailey]

Looks like you’re keeping score of prayers too. A good outcome to a thread (your relationship’s hopeful improvement) does not mean the means to get there were justified (berating a husband behind his back).

It’s obvious this thread hit a nerve with you.

I would really appreciate it though if you would just stop posting to it. You are not even remotely attempting to help. You are only interested in bickering back and forth with me.

And for the record, my husband knows I am on here and he also knows what I post. He would come defend himself…but he really doesn’t care…he just thinks its a way for me to blow off steam.

p.s. No hard feelings though. Maybe we can be helpful, at some point, in another thread to each other.

 

[Keran]

I feel your pain and have made it through 26 years of marriage to a man whom I love but no longer like and am no longer attrcted to. Going thru rough times now and really struggling and kind of miserable. Will pray for you and your husband. Hope things get better for you. My marriage has definitely had its ups and downs over the years.Can’t wait till we hve ups again. Tired of the downs…

 

[ChiRho]

Who’s keeping score?

yes, as if making 3 posts in a thread is equivalent to holding grudges for years

 

[sinnseanair]

ChiRHo. You sound like you lot of issues yourself. Do you make it your all day job to accuse wives of “going around their husband’s back”. Last time I heard this is the United States of America where everyone has freedom of speech. In our country women are not the property of men, wives are not the property of husbands.

Now I have been to countries where that is the law. Women cannot drive, nor go into public without the presence of her husbands. They have to keep their bodies covered so that only the husband can see them.

I say that only to point out that if you honestly adhere to the myth that wives should not “go behind their husband’s back”, you might want to consider moving to one of those countries that fall in with your line of thinking.

Personally, I think you should fall on your knees, say 10 Hail Marys, and take 20 laps around the beads, as we would have said in my youth and thank God for allowing you to be born here or have the distinct privilege of being a citizen of our great nation.

There are sometimes lousy acting husbands and lousy acting wives. I am very sure that Eve didn’t always agree with Adam or vice versa. The only problem there was that neither Eve nor Adam had another husband or wife to go to to share. They only had God. In the final analysis, that is all any of us have—or need. However, like Father Kelly explained to me, we are all “climbing that mountain” and our job is to help each other in the climb, to grab a hand of one who is sliding and get them back to climbing. That is what I intend to keep doing as long as I am able.

Personally, I would like to take Daily’s husband out behind the barn and beat some sense into him. I can’t do that anymore. I would like take Daily and her husband and make them understand what it means to really love someone fully and without regard to self. The only way I can do that is to relay some wonderful memories I had with my wife that I miss so much—how she put up with my shortcomings, and I with hers.

Now, read very carefully, no more “holier than thou” statements. This is a forum where we all can discuss our feelings, be them good or bad, as to our present time in our marriage. Nothing more—nothing less—Clear.

 

[TryingToLearn]

yes, as if making 3 posts in a thread is equivalent to holding grudges for years

You went to the effort of doing a search so you could start a scoreboard against her and then falsely accused her of never admitting her own faults. Before I posted in this thread the first time I read the entire thread and right off she was admitting fault:

Is it possible to have a good marriage if you do not like or respect your spouse? Thoughts?

She recognized she lacks respect for her husband a fault in herself she wants to know if it is possible to overcome…

Of course, I am no angel. I have cussed him out more times then I can count.

She acknowledged that she has offended him and shares responsibility for what their marriage has become.

That is, of course, easier said than done. I entered into the marriage with high hopes but many things occurred that has hardened my heart.

She knows she has had a hardening of her heart, another personal flaw, asking for help with her problem.

You know, after many years of cursing the day I married him, it occurred to me that just maybe God put him into my life to save him.

She acknowledges she was potentially blind to how God was trying to work in her life.

NOSAGE, thanks for your post! Its always nice when someone knows where I am coming from. Sometimes I think I should just offer it up as my cross. But of course, its so hard because I get very lonely.

And again she admits a fault, not being able to walk in the footsteps of our Savior.

Yes, you are correct, I am keeping score. It causes me much sorrow to know that this is what it has come to.

Another admission of fault and remorse for her part in what has become of her marriage.

Trust me, I know what my faults are in my marriage. I have been working very hard these last couple years trying to come closer to my faith and to be a better wife, mother, daughter, person. I have made much progress and will continue to do so with the help of God, my guardian angel, souls in purgatory who I pray for (who in return, pray for me) and saints.

And yes, I pray every single day to God to help me regarding my marriage and how I feel towards my husband. I also pray to my favorite saints( Mary, Padre Pio, Monica, etc) to intervene. I will take prayers from you as well, and anyone else reading this, if you have some to spare! I bought a plaque that I hung in the laundry room, it says “Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth”. I need to read that everyday…

She knows she has faults, among them not being faithful enough in God, honestly, that’s probably the biggest fault any of us have in marriage or life. If we just trust in God, that He has a plan, that He can and will use anything for the glorification of His name.

She has admitted faults, criticized herself and she hasn’t asked how does she fix her husband, she’s asked how does she fix herself…

Someone else already pointed out and she admitted that one of her faults is score keeping. Rather than tally score against her, chastise her further, turning this into something non-productive, why not offer some practical advice on overcoming her score keeping since she has admitted to the problem?

My personal approach is whenever I am offended by someone I turn the offense over to God, ask Him to take it from me or help me to deal with it. Either my desire for “fairness” vanishes or I immediately see a very clear direction for personal growth that if I follow-up on erases that desire.

 

[ChiRho]

You went to the effort of doing a search so you could start a scoreboard against her and then falsely accused her of never admitting her own faults. Before I posted in this thread the first time I read the entire thread and right off she was admitting fault:

I see almost every quote you posted in an entirely different light. PM me if you want to continue this discussion. And if by search you mean clicked two buttons, yes, that’s what I did. Somewhat different from a rigorous 6 hour expose

 

[ChiRho]

ChiRHo. You sound like you lot of issues yourself. Do you make it your all day job to accuse wives of “going around their husband’s back”. Last time I heard this is the United States of America where everyone has freedom of speech. In our country women are not the property of men, wives are not the property of husbands.

Now I have been to countries where that is the law. Women cannot drive, nor go into public without the presence of her husbands. They have to keep their bodies covered so that only the husband can see them.

I say that only to point out that if you honestly adhere to the myth that wives should not “go behind their husband’s back”, you might want to consider moving to one of those countries that fall in with your line of thinking.

where on earth did you get the impression that because I think people shouldn’t talk about their spouses behind each other’s back that I want women to be the property of men? What a ridiculous idea, and gender is completely irrelevant, because men shouldn’t do it either. You made some interesting posts in this thread, but this post is completely off. Freedom of speech =/= freedom from consequences (moral, not legal). I would expect a Marine to understand the 1st Amendment better.

Personally, I think you should fall on your knees, say 10 Hail Marys, and take 20 laps around the beads, as we would have said in my youth and thank God for allowing you to be born here or have the distinct privilege of being a citizen of our great nation.

I have no idea how this is relevant. America is ok, but it isn’t great. It’s done some great things and some horribly immoral things.

Now, read very carefully, no more “holier than thou” statements. This is a forum where we all can discuss our feelings, be them good or bad, as to our present time in our marriage. Nothing more—nothing less—Clear.

And if we’re going to be making recommendations, you can try posting with a bit more brevity. I’m not sure what has been holier than thou, although there’s nothing more “holier than thou” and paternalistic than saying “Now, read very carefully”. You’ve also repeatedly misunderstood the difference between being able to do something – a right – and the obligation to do something – an ought.

 

[sinnseanair]

So, I understand that you have singlehandly taken on the obligation of judging as some sort of holy writ. That’s sad and speaks volumes of yourself. When can we expect to see you name in the list of Saints.

I just wonder if you have lost respect for your spouse also. Or do you cower at their every word by your own admission of “talking behind their back”. Or, are you one of those that has a perfect marriage with no honest differences of opinion, and supper at 6 each and every evening.

The courts/shelters/social workers are packed full of women like Daily. Why, mostly because of men like I was, not knowing how to give uncondional love because we never experienced it. By the Grace of God, I was blessed with a wife that taught it to me. Now, some husbands literally beat on their wives and children. Some beat on them verbally. Some beat on them with silence. But, the beatings are the same and the bruises may be seen or unseen. Today, it is the same with some wives. All a husband or wife wants is to know that they are loved and needed by their spouse. It’s that simple. It is never a question of riches or lack of them. It is the trust that they will be there for them always. Any lack of that causes undue hardship on the other, then possible retribution, the withholding of sex, or seeking support from another in the form of an affair.

Trust me, I’ve seen it all, heard it all, and most of the time, could do absolutely nothing to correct it. As a Commander, I, by law, was not allowed to bring faith into any conversation and simply referred them to the Chaplin. Any sort of let down loses unity in command and cannot be tolerated as it will degrade morale and deter the mission. Our Holy Church really has the same mission, unity.

That is exactly what this blog is for. So, nobody is “speaking behind their husband’s back” when writing their inner feelings at the time here. Our mission here is to agree or disagree, listen, point out, possibly correct, and pray. It is not to degrade with offhanded statements as yours. If that is paternalistic that I happily plead guilty. Remember “Pater” in Latin means “Father” and that’s is my whole intent—to be as a father, telling mistakes I made and how, in spite of them, my wife put up with me, and loved me anyway for 44 years.

Just for info, I taught the Constiution in 2 universities after I retired from active duty. Thanks to the constant “pushing” of my wife, I kept on with my education until I got as high as anyone can go. Sometimes, according to a few of my students, it meant “Pile it Higher and Deeper”, but they were the ones that tried to skate by as easily as possible. I’m sure today most of those few are either sitting on a couch taking the 99 week handout from the present administration or flipping burgers.

 

[ChiRho]

So, I understand that you have singlehandly taken on the obligation of judging as some sort of holy writ. That’s sad and speaks volumes of yourself. When can we expect to see you name in the list of Saints.

oh that’s helpful. Not sure how you gleaned that out of my post, but that didn’t stop you from writing six more paragraphs

 

[dailey]

oh that’s helpful. Not sure how you gleaned that out of my post, but that didn’t stop you from writing six more paragraphs

Well, I for one, actually enjoy reading his posts. Not so much yours…

 

[severus68]

Well, I for one, actually enjoy reading his posts. Not so much yours…

I do too.