R
RileyG
Guest
No. I’m 17, my hair is naturally light brown and has grown darker over the years.
- Status
E
EasterJoy
Guest
Oh, I agree. I am only saying that having a child go through a phase where they permit themselves the vanity of thinking of their parents as a fashion accessory–or a fashion handicap–is not exactly unusual. It is a period of life when vanity is a very real temptation, and profound unrealism a very real danger.
The mother in question told her son to go jump in the lake. She kept wearing exactly the socks she liked.
D
Della
Guest
There’s nothing wrong with gray hair, of course. But ragging on a gal because she wants to look good for her family, per the post I responded to, is not cool, IMHO.
A
Allegra
Guest
IMHO, when a woman lets herself believe that her hair color or any aspect of her appearance has any bearing on what kind of wife, mother, sister, or daughter she is, that is not cool. It is, in fact, intellectually dishonest, and a very sad sign of an insecure person.
Opinions of snooty teenagers aside, no woman in the history of the world, has ever really improved the quality of anyone’s life by changing her hair color, wearing a certain kind of make-up, buying more expensive clothes, matching shoes and handbags, or any other change that doesn’t have to do with hygiene or modesty.
Anyone who tells you otherwise is either trying to sell you Mary Kay, or justify her choice to purchase it. (Which really doesn’t require justification. If a person wants to wear it, buy it, nip it, tuck it, or dye it, who really cares?)
My mother is probably one of the vainest women I’m aware of, and she’s never been above any manner of primping, puffing, and showing of skin to “get the attention of a man”. But even she always taught us that to keep a hold of one, you have to have something going on beneath the surface. (she always emphasized cooking.)
D
Della
Guest
I’m not saying that anyone needs to color her hair in order to please snooty teens nor that gray hair makes her frumpy. I am saying that if she feels gray hair makes her look frumpy/old/unattractive, then by all means she should do whatever she wishes with it. I color my gray hair in part because it pleases my dh and my family to do so. But, I would let it go natural if I wanted to look older than I am, because that is what gray hair does to me. It’s entirely a personal matters, IMHO.
E
EasterJoy
Guest
Being vain about one’s cooking is not necessarily a spiritual advance over being vain about one’s looks. Sure, cooking is more popular with the “consumers”, but if someone asked what is wrong with plain sturdy cooking that doesn’t excite anyone? It’s personal preference, it’s what pleases oneself and the family.
I don’t think that taking no more care for one’s appearance than mere hygiene or modesty requires ought to be some kind of a model of virtue, let alone any evidence of security. Think about that: that is a pretty low standard. You can’t really mean that–mere hygiene and modesty don’t even require you to run a comb through your hair!! If someone showed up for church in a clean pile of rags, that is fine if that is all they can do. If they can do better, though, it is disrespectful. Sometimes it is due to security that goes all the way to not giving a fig whether anyone else enjoys looking at you. Is that something to have as a goal? I don’t think so. So the question is at what point is the effort to look as if you care about your appearance necessary to show that you care about those who have to look at you, and when does it go over into vanity? It’s not a broad black line, IMHO.
A
Allegra
Guest
Vanity in general isn’t a spiritual advantage. However, cooking is a least a service to others. When your grandmother passes away, your friend doesn’t come over and say, “I’m so sorry to hear about your grandma. I wore my new earrings just for you!” Of course not, they come over with cookies and their best casserole. Then they help clean the house. Then they offer to help with the funeral arrangements. Then they are emotionally available in their friend’s time of grief. This is love in action. And sometimes they show up without having had a chance to touch up their roots and they are appreciated just the same
I think it’s very dishonest when a person says that they are dressing in a certain way for other people. It might be for other people’s attention, but not other people’s benefit. No one is bothered by someone else’s hair color. If they are, they’re selfish and wrong.
A person isn’t dying their hair out of love for others. They are doing it because they want to look good for themselves. They want other people to think they look good, not as a service to others, but because it makes them feel better about themselves. (I guess they think that looking good is the same as being good.)
Think of it this way. What would you think of person who told you that the world was a better place because of their own exceptional beauty. You would think they were nuts! No one is better off because they happen to be in the presense of a dressed up person.
If a person wants to do whatever they think improves their appearance, there’s certainly nothing wrong with that. I just think it’s silly for them to let themselves believe that they are doing it for other people’s benefit and not just to make themselves feel more confidant.
D
Della
Guest
I don’t agree that we can’t be motivated by love for others in keeping our personal appearance pleasing to them. Of course people can do this for love of others. Whyever not? Vanity is not the only motive for keeping up a nice appearance. I just can’t believe it’s only vanity when I know it’s not the case in many people’s lives. Your mother, bless her, may have a problem with vanity, but are you so sure? Maybe she believes she is staying nice for your sake and not just for herself? That’s possible. Why not ask her? You might be surprised at her answer.
E
EasterJoy
Guest
Yes, you bring the casserole, but you also wear your best clothes to the funeral, even if you feel like wearing your golf clothes, so yes, you DO dress for other people when they are grieving. You don’t show up with just your hygiene and modesty seen to. Think about the communist countries, the ones who decreed that everyone is going to dress alike. Yes, they were depressing, just as their art and their music was depressing. I look like a “before” picture for “What Not To Wear”, and even I’d say that the world is a better place when people dress themselves with more care than you are implying is necessary or appreciated for the sake of others.
This matter of asking how your appearance affects others especially applies to whether your spouse thinks you dress with them in mind. It does not do a marriage good for a spouse to feel that his wife or her husband has “let themselves go”. It is very often taken personally, as evidence that the spouse that cares nothing about appearance actually cares nothing about their spouse’s feelings, because the spouse letting their appearance go only cares about not causing themselves a bother. There does need to be a meeting of the minds, even about that.
Likewise, cooking can be a service, but it can also be a source a vanity, a way to look for praise. After all, if cooking is only altruistic, what’s this business of home cooks having “secret” recipes that they won’t share with anyone else? What’s that about? It is about the insecurity that if you give your “special knowledge” to someone else, you might lose your niche in the cooking wall of fame. Cooking can be a way to try to make people like you, approve of you, and even to envy you, just as dressing can.
Cooking can also be a way of enforcing your will on others, of suiting yourself. It can be a way to indulge your own gluttony, whether a gluttony of delicacy or a gluttony of excess. So while cooking and dressing are both areas where art is brought in to elevate an act borne out of necessity, I wouldn’t say that the first is always a matter of loving gift while the second is always a self-indulgence. It isn’t that simple.
A
Allegra
Guest
I contend that a person wears nice clothes to a funeral because they like to wear nice clothes to a funeral. They may try to convince themselves that their friend will know how much they care because they got out their $350 pumps, but the truth is, their friend will appreciate the fact that they are THERE, not that they are dressed up a certain way. Most likely, they won’t even notice what they are wearing and they will be just as appreciative of their work friends who came in “golf clothes”, their other friend’s daughter who wore jeans, and their weird nephew with all the piercings and tats and his girlfriend with the dreadlocks.
I can appreciate that if anyone in the world has any business or motivation to care what a woman wears, it is her spouse. However, that is only by virtue of the special relationship they have in which they are required to be sexually appealing to one another. However, if their relationship is healthy both emotionally and sexually, it is highly unlikely either one would be concerned with undyed hair or whatever else people consider “letting oneself go”.
I never meant to suggest that cooking can’t be a source of vanity. Obviously it can and if it becomes a subject of a power struggle, family members can end up resenting one another over whether they use butter or margerine in their cookies. My point wasn’t that cooking is always an act of love. My point was that whatever acts of love our loved ones perform for us are vastly more important than what they were wearing when they performed them.
E
EasterJoy
Guest
Let’s just say that the color in my hair is in no way the equivalent of $350 pumps!
($350 pumps?!?
)But no, people do mention that they appreciate when men, for instance, bother to wear ties to funerals. I’m not talking about the over-the-top examples, though, not the super-expensive. I think we can agree that over-the-top is different than modest examples, both in cooking and in clothing.
S
Sarabande
Guest
Yes, I think this is true. As someone who has attended many funerals as a musician and for family and friends, as well as worked one-on-one with the bereaved when planning the music liturgy, I can pretty much guarantee that there are people out there who really do appreciate it when others come out dressed well and are well-coifed. For the ones I know personally, in other circumstances they wouldn’t even care about what one wears, etc., but I think because emotions are so heightened and intense at this point, “silly” things, like wearing what they consider appropriate attire at the time, matters a lot for some reason. And it has nothing to do with some sort of vanity, at least from what I know of the people. It’s almost as if they feel it is a sign of respect towards the deceased, that the person cared enough about the deceased to look their best for him/her. It personally wouldn’t bother me if someone showed up in shorts and running sneakers and roots galore, but I do know from dealing with these funerals often, it matters to others. I do not judge them for it or think less of them especially because of the unique situation. Because of this, I try to be attuned to the sensitivities of those who are grieving and not take for granted that they may feel this way about dress or even hair.Let’s just say that the color in my hair is in no way the equivalent of $350 pumps!
($350 pumps?!?
But no, people do mention that they appreciate when men, for instance, bother to wear ties to funerals. I’m not talking about the over-the-top examples, though, not the super-expensive. I think we can agree that over-the-top is different than modest examples, both in cooking and in clothing.
E
EasterJoy
Guest
There is tje parable where Our Lord talked about a man being thrown out of a wedding banquet because he had not troubled himself to dress for a wedding. That is an analogy, but the fact that the analogy was made means that yes, people do think that how you dress for someone’s big event is a sign of your esteem for the event and those that it honors. Of course it does.
I do not remotely mean to say that it is necessary to color your hair!! I mean that it is not necessarily a self-indulgent vanity and nothing more if one chooses to do it. We do dress for the pleasure of others, and we do groom ourselves to show respect for others, even if we also do it for ourselves, just as we cook both to please others and yet also according to our own tastes. There isn’t anything disrespectful about going around sporting your own hair color or the amount of hair your body actually feels inclined to sprout, but neither is it “intellectually dishonest” to choose to wear make-up or hair color or a wig instead of restricting ourselves to clothing and perhaps jewelry as adornments, let alone only the clothing that hygiene, modesty, and protection against the elements requires.
M
mia2klm
Guest
I am 61, and still color my hair. My natural shade is medium brown, and I still have areas that are the original color. The gray parts (top and front) just look mousy and old, not that pretty silver that some people have. I decided not to keep it as dark as it used to be, though: that seemed to accentuate the wrinkles in my 61-year-old face. So I use medium blonde instead, and that matches my eyebrows, so I like that. When it is ALL gray, and my husband’s hair is all gray, then I’ll probably quit coloring it. There comes a time when young colors look kind of silly, and I think an 80-year-old with dark hair just doesn’t look quite right.
S
Sarabande
Guest
Oh, I agree.
I do think conciously or not, most people dress or wear their hair with other people or situations in mind even if they are ultimately doing it for themselves. For instance, I pretty much do my hair and clothing for myself, but I am aware that all of my choices are based on where I am going and sometimes as a sign of respect for others. I remember years ago at one of my church jobs, a couple approached me to thank me for my choice of clothing and hair. It wasn’t coincidence. I learned from my teachers and also from the elders of the church (it wasn’t Catholic) that you were expected to dress a certain way with neutral colors and your hair had to be well-coiffed and taken care of so as not to distract from the service. So even though I dressed and did my hair for myself to my tastes, I also did it with other people in mind. I don’t find anything wrong with that.
M
Magickman
Guest
Yes, I do.
Male, age 64.
At the hair shop, where my hair is cut.
I go for the brightest blond, in order to have more fun.
My many admirers like it.
Why not?
Male, age 64.
At the hair shop, where my hair is cut.
I go for the brightest blond, in order to have more fun.
My many admirers like it.
Why not?
E
EasterJoy
Guest
Exactly. There is no reason a saintly 64 year old may not look like Guy Fieri!
B
Becca3
Guest
I had to color my hair when it started turning grey at age 27! I was far too young to have grey hair. Not that I am vain or anything. Also, when the grey came in, it made my hair feel so coarse. So, the special conditioner that comes in the coloring box really made my hair feel so baby soft. I wish they would package that conditioner in a big bottle! 
Now my late mum, on the other hand, had highlighted her hair and it basically ruined her hair to where she hardly had no hair, being so thin. I had vowed that I will never highlight my hair. I chose to do a light reddish brown for my hair since I am already a natural brunette. I did it right by choosing that color since it made me look so natural and not fake. The red tints show up in the sunlight. My grandmother was a natural red-head. So, that is why it looks good on me.
Now my late mum, on the other hand, had highlighted her hair and it basically ruined her hair to where she hardly had no hair, being so thin. I had vowed that I will never highlight my hair. I chose to do a light reddish brown for my hair since I am already a natural brunette. I did it right by choosing that color since it made me look so natural and not fake. The red tints show up in the sunlight. My grandmother was a natural red-head. So, that is why it looks good on me.
D
Demetra2
Guest
I color my own hair its natural brunette color being careful not to go too dark as it would look too harsh as I get older. My husband likes my hair colored and so do I. I am told that I look young for my age so I will continue for another decade or so. But if I make it to old age I will let it go gray/white. A nicely styled elderly lady with white hair looks lovely to me.
H
holyrood
Guest
I started dying my hair when I was bartering my tutoring for one family with hair care for mine (from their mother.) I figured, hey, it costs nothing extra, why not?
Then I realized how hard it is to grow out, while your hair spends (in my case) a couple years at least having two distinct shades!
(My hair is nearly to my waist.)
I continue to dye my hair in part because I prefer it for myself, in part because the henna changes the texture of my hair (becomes much softer, it’s coarser when not dyed), and in part because having half my head brown/gray and the other half brown/auburn looks so ridiculous and terrible. (Don’t do it, it’s a trap! I’m now caught here in the land of hair dye!)
I’ve switched to henna to try to protect my hair from the damage and breakage of hair dye.
Then I realized how hard it is to grow out, while your hair spends (in my case) a couple years at least having two distinct shades!
(My hair is nearly to my waist.)I continue to dye my hair in part because I prefer it for myself, in part because the henna changes the texture of my hair (becomes much softer, it’s coarser when not dyed), and in part because having half my head brown/gray and the other half brown/auburn looks so ridiculous and terrible. (Don’t do it, it’s a trap! I’m now caught here in the land of hair dye!)
I’ve switched to henna to try to protect my hair from the damage and breakage of hair dye.
- Status