Do You Tell Other's Secrets to Your Spouse?

[PatriceA]

Disclaimer - I haven’t read through all seven pages of this thread, so I apologize if I’m re-hashing stuff that has already been beat to death.

My husband is both a lawyer (secret client stuff) and a National Guard officer (secret military stuff). I’m sure there are lots of “secrets” that he doesn’t tell me. That’s how it should be and I’m perfectly fine with it. Beyond those obvious examples…neither he nor I go out of our way to keep secrets from each other. If a friend tells me something and doesn’t make it clear that that I should keep it to myself, I’ll probably tell my husband if I think he would be interested. If, however, someone made it clear that they were sharing some information that was to be held in confidence, I know how to keep my mouth shut.

This, in my opinion, is terribly dishonest. To betray someone that way after agreeing to keep their confidence has got to be the most efficient way to lose friends I have ever heard of.

Been a military spouse myself and I knew there were certain parts of my husband’s job that he wasn’t going to be able to share. That’s a matter of national security and it comes with being married to the military. And that’s also why we both agreed when we got married that other secrets and friendships/relationships with family would not be kept secret. We were going to share as much as possible the other areas of our lives both separate and together.

I do agree though that you shouldn’t agree to keep something confidential with a friend and share it with your spouse anyways. That’s creating dishonesty in the friendship. I try to always make the other person aware that whatever they are about to tell me, I’m not keeping from my husband if it comes up in a conversation between him and me.

 

[Debora123]

If they told me not to tell anyone I would agree and still tell my fiance if it came up.** If they told me not to tell anyone even him then I’d tell them they don’t have a right to make such a request and tell them not to continue.**

Same here.

 

[Baelor]

If they told me not to tell anyone I would agree and still tell my fiance if it came up.

That is straight-up lying. You are not your fiance. You are separate persons. Therefore, he is “someone else,” not you. He is certainly included in “anyone,” because he is “any other.”

You betray the horrifying inconsistency in your own position:

If they told me not to tell anyone even him

“Even him” indicates that he is naturally included in “anyone,” and thus you demonstrate your recognition of this fact.

then I’d tell them they don’t have a right to make such a request

They certainly have the right to make such a request, and you have the right to reject it. We are not obligated to share everything with our spouses, and consequently the request is morally permissible. Do we not have the right to do morally permissible things?

Nope. There is a reason that spousal privilege exists but maternal/best friend/sibling privilege does not.

And yet that is a societal construct, not a reflection of ontological reality.

It isn’t a matter of being “loose lipped” so much as it is failing to see a reason why he can’t know or why I should guard information from him.

That is really not your decision to make. By agreeing to keep something confidential, you are forfeiting the right to make that determination yourself.

 

[Debora123]

That is straight-up lying. You are not your fiance. You are separate persons. Therefore, he is “someone else,” not you. He is certainly included in “anyone,” because he is “any other.”

Baelor, I normally agree with you on pretty much everything around these parts, but this is where we disagree. I don’t consider my spouse much of a separate entity to myself. I consider us one.

 

[Debora123]

And yet that is a societal construct, not a reflection of ontological reality.

Spousal priveledges are a societal construct?

Mmm, no I’ll have to disagree with you there as well. Spousal privileges are a divine reality of marriage.

Look, I’m not saying we all HAVE to tell your spouse everything. My husband and I personally do. If you don’t want to, you don’t need to. And that’s perfectly fine, I won’t argue with that. I’m just disagreeing on a couple things you’re saying regarding marriage, that’s all.

 

[Baelor]

Baelor, I normally agree with you on pretty much everything around these parts, but this is where we disagree. I don’t consider my spouse much of a separate entity to myself. I consider us one.

What you “consider” your spouse to be is irrelevant to what he is ontologically.

If you receive communion, does your husband need to, or has he received? If you go to confession, does the other need to, or has he been forgiven? Do you have independent thoughts? Have your souls merged completely? Does death take you both inevitably at the same time?

You are one flesh. You are not one.

Spousal priveledges are a societal construct?

Mmm, no I’ll have to disagree with you there as well. Spousal privileges are a divine reality of marriage.

The “spousal privileges” mentioned appeared to refer to legal conceptions thereof. If that was incorrect, then my statement is obviously irrelevant.

Look, I’m not saying we all HAVE to tell your spouse everything. My husband and I personally do. If you don’t want to, you don’t need to. And that’s perfectly fine, I won’t argue with that. I’m just disagreeing on a couple things you’re saying regarding marriage, that’s all.

And I am saying that your disagreement here is simply unfounded (though I do greatly respect you and your posts).

I am not denying the right of a couple to share every secret. I am simply rejecting the preposterous and unacceptable notion that one can agree to “not tell anyone” something and tell their spouse without having lied (barring extreme circumstances in which safety dominates, for example).

 

[Debora123]

What you “consider” your spouse to me is irrelevant to what he is ontologically.

If you receive communion, does your husband need to, or has he received? If you go to confession, does the other need to, or has he been forgiven? Do you have independent thoughts? Have your souls merged completely? Does death take you both inevitably at the same time?

You are one flesh. You are not one.

The “spousal privileges” mentioned appeared to refer to legal conceptions thereof. If that was incorrect, then my statement is obviously irrelevant.

And I am saying that your disagreement here is simply unfounded (though I do greatly respect you and your posts).

Fair enough. Sorry if I misunderstood what you meant.

 

[PatriceA]

Spousal priveledges are a societal construct?

Mmm, no I’ll have to disagree with you there as well. Spousal privileges are a divine reality of marriage.

Look, I’m not saying we all HAVE to tell your spouse everything. My husband and I personally do. If you don’t want to, you don’t need to. And that’s perfectly fine, I won’t argue with that. I’m just disagreeing on a couple things you’re saying regarding marriage, that’s all.

Exactly. Everyone’s marriage doesn’t have to be the same. All that matters is what you and your spouse agree on. That’s what is important. What do you and your spouse think about sharing friend’s and family’s secrets, are you in agreement that some things shouldn’t be shared with the spouse, or do you want to be able to share the secrets with each other? Some spouses may not want to know everything, some may feel its a burden to know the secrets of friends and family and don’t want the information disclosed. Other couples may feel differently. But the difficulty may be when one spouse feels there always should be mutual sharing and the other thinks a spouse doesn’t have the right to know a secret if they were asked not to share it even with the spouse.

 

[salusanimarum17]

… Do you tell your spouse things that other people (tell you) in confidence?

…

Never.

 

[bunnykisses88]

My hubby and I gossip to each other. Yeah, I do see him as my other half so I am bad about immediately telling him what’s up. I really just hate keeping anything from him. I think he tells me stuff when it comes up in conversation. He does trust me not to tell anyone else and I do trust him.

 

[Kensho]

No, that wasn’t what I was saying. I’m not sure how I managed to sound like I was saying that. I was saying the opposite - no matter how close I am to a friend, I don’t presume I can be closer to them than their spouse. And so I presume that anything I tell a married friend, male or female, can and probably will be shared with their spouse. I don’t mind that and I still talk to my friends about my stuff. I guess I don’t have many dark personal secrets.

My friends know and understand that my husband will probably know everything I know. I have explicitly told them this. This is normal to them.

Closeness in marriage for us means sharing what we think and feel and know. We are one and if we’re concerned about a friend we’ll talk about it with each other, like we think about it in our heads. It doesn’t mean we instantly report every detail of every conversation to each other. But if something about a friend or family member affects him emotionally and weighs on him, he’ll share it with me, and vice versa, and we’ll talk about it together.

The reason why I thought you were saying it’s okay to share friends’ secrets with other close friends is that you said when you told a friend a secret, you assumed she would share it with her spouse or even someone else she was close to.

If you share a secret with a friend and she shares it with another friend to whom she is close, and that friend shares it with her spouse and another close friend … it could just go on and on. Might as well not have a secret. Maybe there’s something to be said for not having secrets, but if there are going to be secrets, they need to be kept.

I cannot imagine telling anyone on this earth everything I think, feel, and know. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to hear it all. I definitely don’t want to know everything other people think, feel, and know. This is an individual difference and that’s okay – but I can’t even comprehend talking to someone that much!

 

[Kensho]

If they told me not to tell anyone I would agree and still tell my fiance if it came up. If they told me not to tell anyone even him then I’d tell them they don’t have a right to make such a request and tell them not to continue.

They certainly do have the right to make such a request. You also have the right to refuse the request.

 

[Debora123]

Exactly. Everyone’s marriage doesn’t have to be the same. All that matters is what you and your spouse agree on. That’s what is important. What do you and your spouse think about sharing friend’s and family’s secrets, are you in agreement that some things shouldn’t be shared with the spouse, or do you want to be able to share the secrets with each other? Some spouses may not want to know everything, some may feel its a burden to know the secrets of friends and family and don’t want the information disclosed. Other couples may feel differently. But the difficulty may be when one spouse feels there always should be mutual sharing and the other thinks a spouse doesn’t have the right to know a secret if they were asked not to share it even with the spouse.

yep

 

[Kensho]

What you “consider” your spouse to be is irrelevant to what he is ontologically.

If you receive communion, does your husband need to, or has he received? If you go to confession, does the other need to, or has he been forgiven? Do you have independent thoughts? Have your souls merged completely? Does death take you both inevitably at the same time?

You are one flesh. You are not one.

It is my opinion that some of the people participating in this thread are misinterpreting what it means to be “one flesh”. Since marriage is dissolved by the death of one of the partners and there is no marrying or giving in marriage in Heaven, it doesn’t make sense to construe “one flesh” as meaning “We really are one, two halves of a whole, who must share all thoughts and feelings”. That sounds more Platonic than Christian.

I think the super-close, share-everything marriages are a very recent historical phenomenon that would have bewildered most Christian married couples of the past.

 

[Debora123]

It is my opinion that some of the people participating in this thread are misinterpreting what it means to be “one flesh”. Since marriage is dissolved by the death of one of the partners and there is no marrying or giving in marriage in Heaven, it doesn’t make sense to construe “one flesh” as meaning “We really are one, two halves of a whole, who must share all thoughts and feelings”. That sounds more Platonic than Christian.

I think the super-close, share-everything marriages are a very recent historical phenomenon that would have bewildered most Christian married couples of the past.

Now this is kind of an unfair comment to make to spouses who share everything. :nope:

You and your spouse don’t have to share everything if you don’t want, but to insinuate that couples who do are somehow unchristian, or wrong, or have no right to do so, is just going a bit too far.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

They certainly do have the right to make such a request. You also have the right to refuse the request.

I guess technically speaking we do have the first amendment and they can ask that question without any fear of retaliation by me or the government, but I do think that it is very rude, disrespectful, and just poor form to ask someone who is married to not tell their spouse something. That strikes me as divisive, and I think that true friends support unity in their friends’ marriages, not intentionally cause one partner to carry something that they can’t share with their spouse.

I would always assume that whatever I’m telling a friend is eventually being passed to their partner if/when it comes up in conversation, or even just because. I also know that I can trust my friends and that their partners are good, honest, trustworthy people as well. If a friend was married/engaged/living with someone whose character I doubted, I would not share things with that friend.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Now this is kind of an unfair comment to make to spouses who share everything. :nope:

You and your spouse don’t have to share everything if you don’t want, but to insinuate that couples who do are somehow unchristian, or wrong, or have no right to do so, is just going a bit too far.

The more I read your posts the more I think that we have very similar relationships.

 

[Kensho]

Now this is kind of an unfair comment to make to spouses who share everything. :nope:

You and your spouse don’t have to share everything if you don’t want, but to insinuate that couples who do are somehow unchristian, or wrong, or have no right to do so, is just going a bit too far.

I apologize. That is not what I meant. I meant only that the very close, companionate marriage is something recent in history. I do believe that an extreme view of what it means to be “one flesh” sounds like Platonism rather than Christian teaching, but I don’t think it is wrong to behave in that way, only to ascribe that particular meaning to it.

 

[Baelor]

but I do think that it is very rude, disrespectful, and just poor form to ask someone who is married to not tell their spouse something.

Then you are simply wrong. Marriage vows do not include sharing everything with one’s spouse; this is not a moral mandate or an inherent part of the Catholic conception of marriage. The request is perfectly legitimate, as is your refusal. That someone asks for total confidentiality is not rude, disrespectful, or poor form.

That strikes me as divisive, and I think that true friends support unity in their friends’ marriages, not intentionally cause one partner to carry something that they can’t share with their spouse.

Again, it is not inherently divisive because there is not an inherent requirement to share everything.

If a friend was married/engaged/living with someone whose character I doubted, I would not share things with that friend.

That is certainly your right. It is my right to request that something not be shared with a spouse, regardless of whether I thought his or her character was worthy of doubt.

 

[Kensho]

I guess technically speaking we do have the first amendment and they can ask that question without any fear of retaliation by me or the government, but I do think that it is very rude, disrespectful, and just poor form to ask someone who is married to not tell their spouse something. That strikes me as divisive, and I think that true friends support unity in their friends’ marriages, not intentionally cause one partner to carry something that they can’t share with their spouse.

It would only be rude or disrespectful if it were demanded in a rude way. Asking someone to keep a secret is not divisive unless the secret affects the spouse. Actually, the truly divisive behavior that I have personally seen many times is women speaking disrespectfully about their spouses to their friends and giving intimate details about their husbands that are not appropriate to share. I remember my mother telling me “don’t tell daddy” – now that was divisive.