Do You Tell Other's Secrets to Your Spouse?

[Catholic_Wife]

I don’t see the potential for embarrassment. They would never know that he knew. Part of having a relationship in which you share everything is having a very trustworthy spouse

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If he ever did repeat it or let on that he knew we would have huge issues in our marriage. But I have nothing to worry about.
I guess I see it like this, part of being “trustworthy spouse” is keeping others’ confidences. My husband trusts that I won’t blab all of our marital problems to everyone we know because he knows I keep others’ confidences. “Sharing everything” is just another name for “gossip” in my opinion.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

You just love trying to insult people left and right. Give it a rest. Not everyone’s relationship is like yours, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

I honestly can’t believe that posters here are getting attacked for sharing secrets with their spouses.

For violating confidences? Really? That surprises you?

 

[Debora123]

For violating confidences? Really? That surprises you?

It really surprises me that random people on the internet are personally attacking people they don’t even know for sharing secrets with their spouse.

As for “violating confidence”… I’ve already explained that I don’t see telling your own spouse something as being a violation of confidence at all.

 

[LilyM]

You just love trying to insult people left and right. Give it a rest. Not everyone’s relationship is like yours, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

I honestly can’t believe that posters here are getting attacked for revealing that they share secrets with their spouses.

Not for that - I totally agree that some secrets should be revealed.

For want of an ability to better express myself, it is about being careless and thoughtless about the obligations of friendship - among which are discretion and trustworthiness - and the harm that can be caused when information is revealed to those who have neither any need nor any right to know.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

It really surprises me that random people on the internet are personally attacking people they don’t even know for sharing secrets with their spouse.

As for “violating confidence”… I’ve already explained that I don’t see telling your own spouse something as being a violation of confidence at all.

I’m not attacking, but I am asking you: what do you gain out of telling your husband your friend’s secrets which are potentially embarrassing and which he has no right nor business to know? Does it make you two feel closer to share secrets that the other has no business knowing? Why?

 

[Debora123]

Not for that - I totally agree that some secrets should be revealed.

For want of an ability to better express myself, it is about being careless and thoughtless about the obligations of friendship - among which are discretion and trustworthiness - and the harm that can be caused when information is revealed to those who have neither any need nor any right to know.

You can deal with your marriage the way you see fit, and I’ll deal with mine the way I see fit.

I haven’t tried to insult anyone’s character or marriage here, and I expect the same in return.

 

[Catholic_Wife]

It really surprises me that random people on the internet are personally attacking people they don’t even know for sharing secrets with their spouse.

As for “violating confidence”… I’ve already explained that I don’t see telling your own spouse something as being a violation of confidence at all.

What if, heaven forbid, your husband and you divorce? What’s to say that he won’t use what he knows to hurt you and/or your friends???

Or what if he lets something slip out to someone else, and that person tells two friends, and they tell two friends, and so on, and so on…

Things happen…

 

[Debora123]

I’m not attacking, but I am asking you: what do you gain out of telling your husband your friend’s secrets which are potentially embarrassing and which he has no right nor business to know? Does it make you two feel closer to share secrets that the other has no business knowing? Why?

It’s not about gaining anything. It’s just the type of relationship we have… we talk about everything. We don’t purposely keep secrets from each other. If someone expects me not to tell my own husband about something, then they ought not to talk to me about it at all.

 

[PatriceA]

What if, heaven forbid, your husband and you divorce? What’s to say that he won’t use what he knows to hurt you and/or your friends??? Things happen…

What happens if the friendship sours, the friend could reveal secrets and confidences as well. Anybody we let in to our lives could have the potential to hurt us if things went badly in the relationship. Anytime you trust someone in confidence, there is a potential they can hurt you if things turn out badly, does that mean we should never tell anything to anybody no matter how much we trust them at the time?

 

[Debora123]

What if, heaven forbid, your husband and you divorce? What’s to say that he won’t use what he knows to hurt you and/or your friends???

If I get a divorce? Really? Um, I’m pretty sure Catholics are not supposed to think like that…

Or what if he lets something slip out to someone else, and that person tells two friends, and they tell two friends, and so on, and so on…

As BlueEyedLady has said, part of being able to share things with your spouse, is the trust that they won’t repeat it.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

So then - why should he not lie to you, or hide things from you if revealing them would embarrass you?

After all, it seems clear that saving face and avoiding embarrassment are more important to both of you than either confidentiality or honesty when it comes to your friends, why not to each other?

I don’t get exactly what you are saying, but I can say this: A marriage is a very exclusive and special relationship that is very different from a friendship. The idea if spilling a spouse’s secrets just because you tell your spouse your friend’s is very backwards.

 

[LilyM]

You can deal with your marriage the way you see fit, and I’ll deal with mine the way I see fit.

I haven’t tried to insult anyone’s character or marriage here, and I expect the same in return.

Pipe down, I did not mean to insult either your character or your marriage, and I apologise if I have done so.

I am simply asking you to really consider this one particular behaviour from other points of view than the one that you’re obviously used to.

I seem to have possibly hit a nerve by suggesting that friendship imposes certain obligations. Do you not agree that it does?

I also suggested that the need and right of your husband to know things ought to be considered when you decide what to tell him. I think these should be considerations whenever you are considering whether to tell anyone anything. Do you disagree?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

It’s not about gaining anything. It’s just the type of relationship we have… we talk about everything. We don’t purposely keep secrets from each other. If someone expects me not to tell my own husband about something, then they ought not to talk to me about it at all.

 

[Debora123]

I don’t get exactly what you are saying, but I can say this: A marriage is a very exclusive and special relationship that is very different from a friendship. The idea if spilling a spouse’s secrets just because you tell your spouse your friend’s is very backwards.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

What if, heaven forbid, your husband and you divorce? What’s to say that he won’t use what he knows to hurt you and/or your friends???

Or what if he lets something slip out to someone else, and that person tells two friends, and they tell two friends, and so on, and so on…

Things happen…

Isn’t altering your behavior in case you get a divorce evidence that could be used to get an annulment? Kind of like bringing up or getting a pre-nup?

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

It’s not about gaining anything. It’s just the type of relationship we have… we talk about everything. We don’t purposely keep secrets from each other. If someone expects me not to tell my own husband about something, then they ought not to talk to me about it at all.

Well, let’s say you have a friend and you gossip with that friend all the time. Saying, “that’s just the type of relationship we have,” doesn’t exactly get you off the hook. Saying that doesn’t even really mean anything. It is your choice to have that kind of relationship. You are perfectly free to choose not to spread potentially embarrassing secrets about others. So obviously, you are gaining something out of it. It’s doing something for you to share information which you have no business sharing. What is it doing for you?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Well, let’s say you have a friend and you gossip with that friend all the time. Saying, “that’s just the type of relationship we have,” doesn’t exactly get you off the hook. Saying that doesn’t even really mean anything. It is your choice to have that kind of relationship. You are perfectly free to choose not to spread potentially embarrassing secrets about others.

A friendship is not a marriage. That’s the flaw in this argument.

I agree with the poster who was told by her priest that there is no such thing as gossip between spouses.

I fully believe that he has the right to know everything I know, and that I have a right to share anything I want or need to with him. No one should ask me to violate either of those rights.

 

[Debora123]

Pipe down, I did not mean to insult either your character or your marriage, and I apologise if I have done so.

I am simply asking you to really consider this one particular behaviour from other points of view than the one that you’re obviously used to.

I seem to have possibly hit a nerve by suggesting that friendship imposes certain obligations. Do you not agree that it does?

You hit a nerve by insinuating that I’m careless, thoughtless, and untrustworthy. Yes, of course I agree that there are certain obligations to friends. I don’t believe those obligations include the need to keep secrets from my spouse. And that is where we disagree, and that is fine. There is no right or wrong here. It just depends on the relationship.

I also suggested that the need and right of your husband to know things ought to be considered when you decide what to tell him. I think these should be considerations whenever you are considering whether to tell anyone anything. Do you disagree?

It’s not so much that my husband has a right to know everything, but that I have a right to tell him if I so choose. And so it follows that I don’t think anyone has a right to tell me that I cannot tell my husband something.

 

[LilyM]

I don’t get exactly what you are saying, but I can say this: A marriage is a very exclusive and special relationship that is very different from a friendship. The idea if spilling a spouse’s secrets just because you tell your spouse your friend’s is very backwards.

Aah, the old ‘he’ll lie to others but never to me’.

A bit like the even older ‘he cheated with me on his first wife, but he’d never cheat on me with another woman …’

I’ve run enough family law cases to be able to say good luck with that.

 

[Debora123]

Isn’t altering your behavior in case you get a divorce evidence that could be used to get an annulment? Kind of like bringing up or getting a pre-nup?

Yes.