Do You Tell Other's Secrets to Your Spouse?

[VeritasLuxMea]

Because they are my friends, not his.

No, I don’t see a problem at all.

And whoa, you totally edited your post on me.

Sorry, fast and furious posting right now!

(FWIW, I didn’t delete or modify anything, just added a few things I forgot to say. I wish I could type faster!)

 

[BlueEyedLady]

All I’m saying is, what about discretion? Should we not be discrete in what we tell others - including our spouses. I’m not saying we should lie to our spouses, but we don’t have to share with them everything that others tell us - especially if it’s told to us in confidence or is something that is potentially embarrasing or damaging to that person.

Just because we don’t believe we will get divorced, doesn’t mean it cannot become a reality. How many threads on this forum are about people in troubled marriages??? Like I said, things happen…

Then again, I have never told my husband something that someone else has told me in confidence and asked him to lie about it… (nor will I ever ask him to lie so I can save face)

I guess choosing to be discreet in what you share with your spouse could be used as grounds for an annulment.

Choosing to be discreet because of the possibility of divorce is…uncomfortable. A lot of what you just said is word for word the common rationale for pre-nups.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Um…I don’t think it’s “resorting” to “spreading secrets” because of a lack of anything else to say. But I tell him things that I care about. That’s why bra size would never come up but a drinking problem would. I care about these things so I share them with him. Simple as that.

It’s weird, IMO, the way you keep completely leaving out the feelings of your friend(s) on this matter. It’s as if this subject doesn’t concern her/them at all. It does. It’s their secret.

 

[thewanderer]

Wow, this thread really exploded. I think its a really interesting topic, especially for me right now as I just recently have run into a similar situation in my own life for the first time and so am still working out how this will all play out in my own life. My sister recently confided in me about something that she didn’t want me to share with others and I still let slip about it while talking to my fiance. I then let her know about this to make sure she was ok with it, and, well, just so that she knew. Thankfully it all worked out, as she knows and trusts my fiance, but I can really see both sides here. I personally, tend towards sharing everything with my fiance.

I can totally understand that some people want to be able to confide in a single person and not ever have it shared with anyone else, for some people it takes a lot even to be able to confide in one person that the idea of their confidence ever being shared with anyone else, even a spouse would feel like a betrayal.

Whereas to me the idea of hiding things from my fiance just seems contrary to the unity called for by marriage between the spouses. I mean, I get that sometimes it is necessary, whether out of charity for others or for other reasons, national security, patient confidentiality etc, but I really don’t like that it has to exist and want as little of this as possible to exist in my marriage. I don’t want to have to hide things from my spouse because I want to be able to share everything about myself with him, that includes problems or situations I am thinking about or worrying about, not as a matter of gossiping about others, but as a matter of sharing more of myself and my own existence here with him.

Now, unfortunately these two ways of looking at things kind of clash with each other. On the one hand you have people who will feel betrayed if their secret is shared with anyone else, and on the other hand you have people who dislike having to hide things from their spouse because it makes them feel as though there is a part of themselves that they cannot share with their spouse. This is why there are some people who are so upset when they are expected to keep secrets from their spouse, because, in being asked to keep a secret from their spouse they are being asked to keep a part of their own life from their spouse. Even if a secret is about you, the moment you tell it to me it becomes a part of my life and my existence. And by telling me something and assuming or expecting that I will refuse to share it from my spouse you are also expecting me to hide a part of myself from my spouse, and I (and others ) just really really dislike hiding anything about ourselves from our spouses (or spouses to be).

These are just two completely different ways of looking at things and the only way I can see to deal with this is for people from both perspectives to learn more about where each other are coming from, realize that neither side is trying to be mean or uncharitable, and learn to explicitly tell others what your expectations are about all this. In other words, sharers, like myself, need to start making sure that everyone who confides in them knows that that information could, potentially, be shared with their spouse and non-sharers need to explicitly ask others before starting to share information whether or not they will share this with their spouse.

It is not fair to share information with your spouse without first making it clear to others that you may do so just as it is not fair to expect others to hide things from their spouse unless they explicitly say that they will. Communication is the key, realizing that not everyone has the same expectations that you do and so making sure to be clear about where you stand on the matter before misunderstandings happen and people get hurt.

Truly, this thread has given me much food for thought and I am going to be very careful from now on about making sure others know that I don’t hide things from my fiance. I also hope that those who have been hurt by having their information shared with a spouse can learn to recognize that the hurt was not intentionally caused, but rather was the byproduct of a misunderstanding which was caused by everyone involved, not just by the person who told their spouse. Anyway, just my :twocents: on the matter. :tiphat:

 

[Debora123]

Just because we don’t believe we will get divorced, doesn’t mean it cannot become a reality. How many threads on this forum are about people in troubled marriages??? Like I said, things happen…

It doesn’t matter. We’re not supposed to alter our behavior with our spouses based on the belief that we “might” get divorced. That’s never going to happen, and I will no longer even address this type of thinking.

 

[Debora123]

Like I said on page one, I don’t think there’s a right or wrong to this as long as both partners are on the same page.

Yes.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

The two rights (his right to know and yours to tell) go hand in glove. The one cannot exist without the other also existing. Now the way I see it, either:

a) He has a right to know everything. In which case you must tell him everything, including bra size, number of times you pooped etc, because if you don’t then you are denying him information that he has a right to know. Clearly you don’t believe this.

b) He does NOT have the right to know everything. In which case you have the right to not tell him certain things.

So why is it that you get to decide that he has no right to know certain things but other people cannot?

Who decides what he has the right to know and what he doesn’t have the right to know, and on what grounds?

Would you keep from him professional secrets if you were a doctor?

If you would, why would a patient’s confidential disclosure of their alcoholism be confidential and secret even from your husband, but your friends disclosure of exactly the same thing fair game?

And why does the fact that YOU chose to get married somehow negate entirely the rights of your friends to decide for themselves who gets told what about them, or that some things should be told to you but not him?

Completely wrong. Just because he has a right to not have his wife intentionally keep things from him does not mean that she must outline every little boring detail of her day. It wouldn’t interest him and it would waste her time.

And other people can decide he doesn’t have a right to know things, in which case it’s foolish of them to tell his wife.

 

[LilyM]

Because they are my friends, not his.

No, I don’t see a problem at all.

And whoa, you totally edited your post on me.

But the two of you are one flesh, soul and mind - one person in fact. You say you in fact have no right to keep anything from him. Or, I imagine, he from you.

So how can there then be such a thing as ANYONE being ‘your’ friend but not ‘his’ or vice versa? Surely any friend of his is a friend of yours and the contrary?

 

[LilyM]

Completely wrong. Just because he has a right to not have his wife intentionally keep things from him does not mean that she must outline every little boring detail of her day. It wouldn’t interest him and it would waste her time.

Reread my post. I know you don’t think like that, and SAID that I know you don’t think like that

And other people can decide he doesn’t have a right to know things, in which case it’s foolishof them to tell his wife.

So it would be foolish of them to come to you if you were a doctor and confide in you and expect you not to tell your husband?

As I said, if someone could consult you as a doctor about their alcoholism and expect complete secrecy even from your husband, why could they not expect the same if they told you outside the surgery as a friend? Why does being a patient give them a right but being a friend apparently no rights at all?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

But the two of you are one flesh, soul and mind - one person in fact. You say you in fact have no right to keep anything from him. Or, I imagine, he from you.

So how can there then be such a thing as ANYONE being ‘your’ friend but not ‘his’ or vice versa? Surely any friend of his is a friend of yours and the contrary?

Actually, yes. I know that you’re being sarcastic but if I had a friend who couldn’t at least be casual friends with my fiance the friendship would probably end.

But that’s just the way I was raised “Any friend of _______ is a friend of mine”. And welcoming family members SOs into the fold upon first meeting are commonplace with my friends and family.

 

[Debora123]

The two rights (his right to know and yours to tell) go hand in glove. The one cannot exist without the other also existing. Now the way I see it, either:

a) He has a right to know everything. In which case you must tell him everything, including bra size, number of times you pooped etc, because if you don’t then you are denying him information that he has a right to know. Clearly you don’t believe this.

b) He does NOT have the right to know everything. In which case you have the right to not tell him certain things.

So why is it that you get to decide that he has no right to know certain things but other people cannot?

Who decides what he has the right to know and what he doesn’t have the right to know, and on what grounds?

I’m not going to comment on this first half of the post because I thought it was completely silly.

Would you keep from him professional secrets if you were a doctor?

I wouldn’t consider them secrets. I’m not sure why either one of us would care what medication my patients were taking. So no, I probably wouldn’t mention it because it would go with the bra size thing.

If you would, why would a patient’s confidential disclosure of their alcoholism be confidential and secret even from your husband, but your friends disclosure of exactly the same thing fair game?

Like I said, I wouldn’t care about a patient’s alcoholism. But a friend’s… yes, I would talk to him about that.

And why does the fact that YOU chose to get married somehow negate entirely the rights of your friends to decide for themselves who gets told what about them, or that some things should be told to you but not him?

If my friends don’t want my husband to know something, they won’t tell me. As simple as that.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Reread my post. I know you don’t think like that, and SAID that I know you don’t think like that

So it would be foolish of them to come to you if you were a doctor and confide in you and expect you not to tell your husband?

As I said, if someone could consult you as a doctor about their alcoholism and expect complete secrecy even from your husband, why could they not expect the same if they told you outside the surgery as a friend? Why does being a patient give them a right but being a friend apparently no rights at all?

The legal system. If I had it my way doctor’s and lawyer’s spouses would be able to sign affidavits swearing them to secrecy under the penalty of prison so that the doctor or lawyer could confide in their spouse.

But a friendship is a personal relationship that you choose, not your means of supporting a family with strict legal guidelines.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I’m not going to comment on this first half of the post because I thought it was completely silly.

I wouldn’t consider them secrets. I’m not sure why either one of us would care what medication my patients were taking. So no, I probably wouldn’t mention it because it would go with the bra size thing.

Like I said, I wouldn’t care about a patient’s alcoholism. But a friend’s… yes, I would talk to him about that.

If my friends don’t want my husband to know something, they won’t tell me. As simple as that.

Yep! 100%!!! Patients aren’t exactly relevant to our lives, but friends are. That’s why I wouldn’t care about the patient but I would tell about the friend.

 

[Debora123]

Wow, this thread really exploded. I think its a really interesting topic, especially for me right now as I just recently have run into a similar situation in my own life for the first time and so am still working out how this will all play out in my own life. My sister recently confided in me about something that she didn’t want me to share with others and I still let slip about it while talking to my fiance. I then let her know about this to make sure she was ok with it, and, well, just so that she knew. Thankfully it all worked out, as she knows and trusts my fiance, but I can really see both sides here. I personally, tend towards sharing everything with my fiance.

I can totally understand that some people want to be able to confide in a single person and not ever have it shared with anyone else, for some people it takes a lot even to be able to confide in one person that the idea of their confidence ever being shared with anyone else, even a spouse would feel like a betrayal.

Whereas to me the idea of hiding things from my fiance just seems contrary to the unity called for by marriage between the spouses. I mean, I get that sometimes it is necessary, whether out of charity for others or for other reasons, national security, patient confidentiality etc, but I really don’t like that it has to exist and want as little of this as possible to exist in my marriage. I don’t want to have to hide things from my spouse because I want to be able to share everything about myself with him, that includes problems or situations I am thinking about or worrying about, not as a matter of gossiping about others, but as a matter of sharing more of myself and my own existence here with him.

Now, unfortunately these two ways of looking at things kind of clash with each other. On the one hand you have people who will feel betrayed if their secret is shared with anyone else, and on the other hand you have people who dislike having to hide things from their spouse because it makes them feel as though there is a part of themselves that they cannot share with their spouse. This is why there are some people who are so upset when they are expected to keep secrets from their spouse, because, in being asked to keep a secret from their spouse they are being asked to keep a part of their own life from their spouse. Even if a secret is about you, the moment you tell it to me it becomes a part of my life and my existence. And by telling me something and assuming or expecting that I will refuse to share it from my spouse you are also expecting me to hide a part of myself from my spouse, and I (and others ) just really really dislike hiding anything about ourselves from our spouses (or spouses to be).

These are just two completely different ways of looking at things and the only way I can see to deal with this is for people from both perspectives to learn more about where each other are coming from, realize that neither side is trying to be mean or uncharitable, and learn to explicitly tell others what your expectations are about all this. In other words, sharers, like myself, need to start making sure that everyone who confides in them knows that that information could, potentially, be shared with their spouse and non-sharers need to explicitly ask others before starting to share information whether or not they will share this with their spouse.

It is not fair to share information with your spouse without first making it clear to others that you may do so just as it is not fair to expect others to hide things from their spouse unless they explicitly say that they will. Communication is the key, realizing that not everyone has the same expectations that you do and so making sure to be clear about where you stand on the matter before misunderstandings happen and people get hurt.

Truly, this thread has given me much food for thought and I am going to be very careful from now on about making sure others know that I don’t hide things from my fiance. I also hope that those who have been hurt by having their information shared with a spouse can learn to recognize that the hurt was not intentionally caused, but rather was the byproduct of a misunderstanding which was caused by everyone involved, not just by the person who told their spouse. Anyway, just my :twocents: on the matter. :tiphat:

 

[thewanderer]

But the two of you are one flesh, soul and mind - one person in fact. You say you in fact have no right to keep anything from him. Or, I imagine, he from you.

So how can there then be such a thing as ANYONE being ‘your’ friend but not ‘his’ or vice versa? Surely any friend of his is a friend of yours and the contrary?

Lily, its really clear that you don’t understand why someone would dislike the idea of hiding something from their spouse. Its not that they think their spouse has a right to know every detail and so they must share every single last iota of informtaino they know with their spouse or else they will be betraying their spouse. Rather it has to do with the fact that once you know something, once you have been told something, and think about it, spend time pondering it, feel emotions about it, etc, it actually becomes a part of your very own life and existence. Because of this, many people want to be able to share this with their spouses, not because they think their spouses have a right to know things about other peoples lives, but because they cannot stand the thought of being forced to hide a part of themselves from their spouse. When a person confides in someone and expects them to keep it secret fromt hat persons spouse, they are essentially asking that person to hide a part of themselves from their spouse, the one person they vowed to give themselves to entirely and unconditionally. That is not a demand that any married person is required to accept, and it is wrong to force this situation upon another person against their will. (Just as it is wrong to tell a person you will not share their information with anybody, which includes your spouse, and then go on to tell your spouse). I tried to explain this in my above post as well, so maybe this post was unnecessary, and if so I’m sorry for belabouring the point, but it just seemed so clear that you really don’t understand at all where Deb, BEL, or I are coming from on this issue, so I felt like giving another attempt in case it helps.

 

[LilyM]

I’m not going to comment on this first half of the post because I thought it was completely silly.

I wouldn’t consider them secrets. I’m not sure why either one of us would care what medication my patients were taking. So no, I probably wouldn’t mention it because it would go with the bra size thing.

Like I said, I wouldn’t care about a patient’s alcoholism. But a friend’s… yes, I would talk to him about that.

Doctors DO have patients who are also their close friends and family you know. They’re not all strangers. Neither can they always send someone to another doctor just because they are related or friends.

So, if your best friend or sister walked into your surgery and said ‘I am an alcoholic’, would you tell hubby or not?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Lily, its really clear that you don’t understand why someone would dislike the idea of hiding something from their spouse. Its not that they think their spouse has a right to know every detail and so they must share every single last iota of informtaino they know with their spouse or else they will be betraying their spouse. Rather it has to do with the fact that once you know something, once you have been told something, and think about it, spend time pondering it, feel emotions about it, etc, it actually becomes a part of your very own life and existence. Because of this, many people want to be able to share this with their spouses, not because they think their spouses have a right to know things about other peoples lives, but because they cannot stand the thought of being forced to hide a part of themselves from their spouse. When a person confides in someone and expects them to keep it secret fromt hat persons spouse, they are essentially asking that person to hide a part of themselves from their spouse, the one person they vowed to give themselves to entirely and unconditionally. That is not a demand that any married person is required to accept, and it is wrong to force this situation upon another person against their will. (Just as it is wrong to tell a person you will not share their information with anybody, which includes your spouse, and then go on to tell your spouse). I tried to explain this in my above post as well, so maybe this post was unnecessary, and if so I’m sorry for belabouring the point, but it just seemed so clear that you really don’t understand at all where Deb, BEL, or I are coming from on this issue, so I felt like giving another attempt in case it helps.

One of the best posts yet!!!

 

[Debora123]

But the two of you are one flesh, soul and mind - one person in fact. You say you in fact have no right to keep anything from him. Or, I imagine, he from you.

So how can there then be such a thing as ANYONE being ‘your’ friend but not ‘his’ or vice versa? Surely any friend of his is a friend of yours and the contrary?

I see what you’re trying to do here.

Several pages back I mentioned I don’t keep anything from my spouse because I feel we are united as one in the sense that we share everything.

Now you’re using that to try to somehow get me to contradict myself by misconstruing what I said and taking it to the extreme. Sorry, I know exactly what you’re trying to do, and it’s silly and it’s not going to happen.

 

[Debora123]

So it would be foolish of them to come to you if you were a doctor and confide in you and expect you not to tell your husband?

As I said, if someone could consult you as a doctor about their alcoholism and expect complete secrecy even from your husband, why could they not expect the same if they told you outside the surgery as a friend? Why does being a patient give them a right but being a friend apparently no rights at all?

Because it’s illegal.

As a doctor, you are legally required to keep certain patient info confidential. Other than that, some spouses just don’t like to keep secrets more than they absolutely need to.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Doctors DO have patients who are also their close friends and family you know. They’re not all strangers. Neither can they always send someone to another doctor just because they are related or friends.

So, if your best friend or sister walked into your surgery and said ‘I am an alcoholic’, would you tell hubby or not?

The AMA strongly recommends against this and for good reason. I would absolutely refuse to see any friends or family members in a doctor-patient setting for a whole host of reasons, at the very bottom is confidentiality.