Do You Tell Other's Secrets to Your Spouse?

[Debora123]

Lily, its really clear that you don’t understand why someone would dislike the idea of hiding something from their spouse. Its not that they think their spouse has a right to know every detail and so they must share every single last iota of informtaino they know with their spouse or else they will be betraying their spouse. Rather it has to do with the fact that once you know something, once you have been told something, and think about it, spend time pondering it, feel emotions about it, etc, it actually becomes a part of your very own life and existence. Because of this, many people want to be able to share this with their spouses, not because they think their spouses have a right to know things about other peoples lives, but because they cannot stand the thought of being forced to hide a part of themselves from their spouse. When a person confides in someone and expects them to keep it secret fromt hat persons spouse, they are essentially asking that person to hide a part of themselves from their spouse, the one person they vowed to give themselves to entirely and unconditionally. That is not a demand that any married person is required to accept, and it is wrong to force this situation upon another person against their will. (Just as it is wrong to tell a person you will not share their information with anybody, which includes your spouse, and then go on to tell your spouse). I tried to explain this in my above post as well, so maybe this post was unnecessary, and if so I’m sorry for belabouring the point, but it just seemed so clear that you really don’t understand at all where Deb, BEL, or I are coming from on this issue, so I felt like giving another attempt in case it helps.

 

[Debora123]

Doctors DO have patients who are also their close friends and family you know. They’re not all strangers. Neither can they always send someone to another doctor just because they are related or friends.

So, if your best friend or sister walked into your surgery and said ‘I am an alcoholic’, would you tell hubby or not?

If doing so is illegal, I obviously wouldn’t have a choice. Though I agree with BEL. If I had it my way, spouses would be allowed to know stuff like that.

 

[Catholic_Wife]

As I said, if someone could consult you as a doctor about their alcoholism and expect complete secrecy even from your husband, why could they not expect the same if they told you outside the surgery as a friend? Why does being a patient give them a right but being a friend apparently no rights at all?

Good question…

 

[thewanderer]

If doing so is illegal, I obviously wouldn’t have a choice. Though I agree with BEL. If I had it my way, spouses would be allowed to know stuff like that.

Just in case you couldn’t guess, I’m with BEL and Deb on this one too.

 

[LilyM]

Lily, its really clear that you don’t understand why someone would dislike the idea of hiding something from their spouse. Its not that they think their spouse has a right to know every detail and so they must share every single last iota of informtaino they know with their spouse or else they will be betraying their spouse. Rather it has to do with the fact that once you know something, once you have been told something, and think about it, spend time pondering it, feel emotions about it, etc, it actually becomes a part of your very own life and existence. Because of this, many people want to be able to share this with their spouses, not because they think their spouses have a right to know things about other peoples lives, but because they cannot stand the thought of being forced to hide a part of themselves from their spouse. When a person confides in someone and expects them to keep it secret fromt hat persons spouse, they are essentially asking that person to hide a part of themselves from their spouse, the one person they vowed to give themselves to entirely and unconditionally. That is not a demand that any married person is required to accept, and it is wrong to force this situation upon another person against their will. (Just as it is wrong to tell a person you will not share their information with anybody, which includes your spouse, and then go on to tell your spouse). I tried to explain this in my above post as well, so maybe this post was unnecessary, and if so I’m sorry for belabouring the point, but it just seemed so clear that you really don’t understand at all where Deb, BEL, or I are coming from on this issue, so I felt like giving another attempt in case it helps.

Interesting point of view. My thoughts are these:

a) If my friend has a problem and confides in me, that problem is part of my friend’s life and existence. Unless it directly concerns me as well, I do not consider it to be part of mine any more than my friend is part of me. That is why I don’t consider it my information or my secret to do with as I please, but theirs, with them having final say over what I may do with it.

Yes, it may eat at me, for sure. In which case I might, in general terms, tell my husband something like ‘gee, one of my (unnamed) friends has a really big problem (unnamed or at least described with identifying details removed).’ So that he has a fair idea of what I’m going through without my reflecting in any way on the particular friend with the problem.

b) We promise a lot to our spouses, but never IMHO unconditionally. ‘As long as we both shall live’, for one, is a pretty big condition. We do not promise to stay with them if they abuse us so badly that it makes us or our children unsafe. We do not promise to sin if they command it. We do not promise a fair few things, in reality.

c) There are things about MYSELF that I would not share with a spouse, let alone things about my friends. If I were going through cancer treatment, he would not, and probably ought not, be told in gory detail about each and every ache, pain or other unpleasant side effect. It would be of no benefit to him or me to subject him to details beyond what he needs to know. Nor, as Deborah said, would I tell him how many times I pooped and the like. There is such a thing as way too much sharing.

 

[Debora123]

Good question…

Not really. The answer is because it’s the law.

 

[Debora123]

Just in case you couldn’t guess, I’m with BEL and Deb on this one too.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

If doing so is illegal, I obviously wouldn’t have a choice. Though I agree with BEL. If I had it my way, spouses would be allowed to know stuff like that.

Really again??? You think it would be ideal if doctors were allowed to share their patients conditions with their spouses? There’s a doctor I’m never going to that’s for sure…

 

[LilyM]

The AMA strongly recommends against this and for good reason. I would absolutely refuse to see any friends or family members in a doctor-patient setting for a whole host of reasons, at the very bottom is confidentiality.

BEL, you must realise better than I do that sometimes there is no option but for a doctor to treat family and friends. In emergencies, for example. At the moment I am staying with my parents, both doctors, and we are about half an hour from any other doctor and over an hour from the nearest town and hospital. If emergency treatment were required, needs must one of them would treat me. Same with their neighbours, many of whom are close friends as well.

Now, the fact that both my parents are doctors puts a different perspective on things - they are professional colleagues and so allowed to consult with each other in regards their patients. Besides which, I am happy for both to know my medical biz where necessary - two heads are always better than one, especially when their advice is free

If one or other were not a doctor or healthcare professional, however, confidentiality would be required. And with excellent reason - doctors are in a position of special trust vis-a-vis their patients that their non-medico spouses simply aren’t, and keeping confidences is an important part of being trustworthy and trusted.

 

[Catholic_Wife]

Interesting point of view. My thoughts are these:

a) If my friend has a problem and confides in me, that problem is part of my friend’s life and existence. Unless it directly concerns me as well, I do not consider it to be part of mine any more than my friend is part of me. That is why I don’t consider it my information or my secret to do with as I please, but theirs, with them having final say over what I may do with it.

Yes, it may eat at me, for sure. In which case I might, in general terms, tell my husband something like ‘gee, one of my (unnamed) friends has a really big problem (unnamed or at least described with identifying details removed).’ So that he has a fair idea of what I’m going through without my reflecting in any way on the particular friend with the problem.

This is where I ask myself, “Does this affect my husband?” If it doesn’t directly affect him, them I do the exact same thing. If I wanted or needed his (name removed by moderator)ut on a subject, I would omit as many identifying details about the person as possible to avoid scandal and embarrassment on their part. I wouldn’t say, “Hey Fred, Betty’s thinking about leaving Barney. What should we do?”

b) We promise a lot to our spouses, but never IMHO unconditionally. ‘As long as we both shall live’, for one, is a pretty big condition. We do not promise to stay with them if they abuse us so badly that it makes us or our children unsafe. We do not promise to sin if they command it. We do not promise a fair few things, in reality.

c) There are things about MYSELF that I would not share with a spouse, let alone things about my friends. If I were going through cancer treatment, he would not, and probably ought not, be told in gory detail about each and every ache, pain or other unpleasant side effect. It would be of no benefit to him or me to subject him to details beyond what he needs to know. Nor, as Deborah said, would I tell him how many times I pooped and the like. There is such a thing as way too much sharing

.
I don’t know about you, but nothing in my marriage vows said I had to share every thought, emotion, and/or feeling with my husband. Trust me, my husband has told me that he doesn’t want to know certain things about me.

 

[thewanderer]

Interesting point of view. My thoughts are these:

a) If my friend has a problem and confides in me, that problem is part of my friend’s life and existence. Unless it directly concerns me as well, I do not consider it to be part of mine any more than my friend is part of me. That is why I don’t consider it my information or my secret to do with as I please, but theirs, with them having final say over what I may do with it.

Yes, it may eat at me, for sure. In which case I might, in general terms, tell my husband something like ‘gee, one of my (unnamed) friends has a really big problem (unnamed or at least described with identifying details removed).’ So that he has a fair idea of what I’m going through without my reflecting in any way on the particular friend with the problem.

Well, yes, the problem itself is a part of your friends existence, but the fact that you think about it, spend time and energy and emotions on it, all that thinking, energy, emotions, prayers etc, those are all a part of your life, not your friends. So what you end up with in this situation is a bunch of sensitive information which now has to do both with your life and your friends life. Obviously, it has more to do with your friends life than your own, but it has now also become a part of your life, whether you like it or not and whether your friend likes it or not. And so you wind up with a situation where your life and your friends life are both connected to a piece of information. The options are either share it with your spouse so that you can share that part of your own life with him or hide it from your spouse to keep your friends life private, but in so doing you end up not only omitting to share some aspect of your life with your spouse, but deliberately refusing to share that aspect of yourself with your spouse. Now, is that always wrong? No, but does anyone have the right to tell you something and then demand that you keep it from your spouse? No. Its a complicated matter that needs lots of charity, respect, and open communication between both spouses and friends about what is and is not expected. There is no one “right” way to handle this kind of situation, beyond being honest with others about your expectations in such a situation. Both people, the spouse and the friend, have a good reason why they want or do not want the information shared, they can’t both get what they want so they need to communicate with each other and come to a compromise that they can both accept. Perhaps that will mean the friend does not confide, perhaps that will mean the friend accepts that the husband might learn about this, perhaps that the wife decides to keep this hidden from her husband (or vice versa). The only right solution here is the one that the parties in this situation end up agreeing to.

b) We promise a lot to our spouses, but never IMHO unconditionally. ‘As long as we both shall live’, for one, is a pretty big condition. We do not promise to stay with them if they abuse us so badly that it makes us or our children unsafe. We do not promise to sin if they command it. We do not promise a fair few things, in reality.

I assume that this is just a communication problem, but if not, then I must absolutely 100% disagree with you. Different situations demand a different kind of commitment, but the commitment must still be absolute and unconditional. I have to say that my way of looking at this comes attatched with very strong feelings on my part because of my mothers life and marriage, but I do not know of any other way to express the kind of commitment expected and demanded in marriage than by calling it unconditional. Just for the record, my mother left an abusive situation and took us children with her far far away, but still, even in doing so, remained 100% commited to my father, her comitment took a different form, but it didn’t rest on the condition of him being a good husband and father, or even a semi decent one, it was independant of any such condition, and so I have no other way to express it than by calling it unconditional. All I know is that her kind of comitment is exactly what is expected of every spouse in marriage and unconditional is truly the only way I can begin to explain it.

(cont…)

 

[thewanderer]

(…cont)

c) There are things about MYSELF that I would not share with a spouse, let alone things about my friends. If I were going through cancer treatment, he would not, and probably ought not, be told in gory detail about each and every ache, pain or other unpleasant side effect. It would be of no benefit to him or me to subject him to details beyond what he needs to know. Nor, as Deborah said, would I tell him how many times I pooped and the like. There is such a thing as way too much sharing.

Here though, the difference isn’t that you are being forced to hide a part of your life from him, you just don’t see a reason to do so. Thats a huge difference. And, like I said, its not always wrong(though there are absolutely many times that it would be wrong) to hide something about your life and experience of life from your spouse, but, its just, well, actively hiding something about your life and experience of life from your spouse seems, somehow, imperfect. And, I mean, I know nothing in this life is going to be perfect, but it just seems so sad to me to think of or hear about imperfections in the unity between a husband and a wife, in particular because I see just how amazingly beautiful and good the ideal of the marital relationship really is, and I guess I just wish things could match up to that, and I certainly know that in my own life I will make every effort to get it as close to that as I possibly can, which, in turn, means as little active hiding of things about myself from my spouse as possible. So there are things I won’t end up telling him, and of course thats fine, but I really dislike the idea of having many things that I have to actively hide from him. So, if it comes to it, and a friend really needs to confide in me and really can’t stand the idea of my husband (well, future husband) knowing about it, I will, as a friend, give in and listen to him/her and keep it from my husband, but I will be very saddened that I have to do so and I will only do so out of true necessity and I expect my friends to be willing to respect that fact that I wish to have a marriage as close to the ideal as possible and not try and force me to hide things from my husband unnecessarily, and not to think worse of me because I want so much to be able to share myself with him. Its not about a lack of respect or love for ones friends, its about a recognition about something in the ideal of marriage and having a great desire for that good. As I’ve said before, different people look at this differently, and thats why the only solution is giving the benefit of the doubt to others intentions, being respectful and charitable, and making sure others understand where you stand on this issue.

 

[Catholic_Wife]

keeping confidences is an important part of being trustworthy and trusted

.
This is the point I’ve been trying to make, not just about being a healthcare professional, but about being a friend. My “trustworthiness” can be legislated when it comes to strangers, but it shouldn’t be an issue when it comes to my friends. They should feel they can tell me anything without me telling another living soul. I don’t feel like I’m a good friend if I break someone’s trust by telling someone - even my husband - something they told me in confidence. Thankfully, my husband agrees with me on this point and would never ask me to betray a friend’s confidence. Nor would I him.

 

[Litcrit]

Mine does (we have both been there for each other through major fitness transformations). He also knows all of my passwords (but he doesn’t use them unless there’s something he needs to do in my accounts), has access to all of my medical records, and so much more.

Yes. Passwords, ATM code, everything. If he is in the shower and gets a text on his cell, it’s understood that I will read it and tell him if it’s urgent. And vice versa.

If by intimate you mean sexual then that’s moot. I’m not in the habit of discussing my sex life with friends. But if I did I would not be upset or surprised if that was shared with their spouse, because I would never tell them anything that I couldn’t stand to have their spouse know.

Same here.

What if, heaven forbid, your husband and you divorce? What’s to say that he won’t use what he knows to hurt you and/or your friends???

If I could have even in my wildest dreams imagined that the man I married would ever stoop to hurting me and my friends after divorcing me, I certainly wouldn’t have dreamed of marrying him in the first place. I trust him more than I trust myself.

And my friends are also good, decent people. Nothing they tell me can be “used against them.” They’re not criminals.

I guess we all have very different images in our minds when we talk about “sharing secrets.”

You don’t? So how often do your female friends confide in your husband? It’s the same thing, right?

As I said, in our case, sometimes my friends will actually tell me something and then say “I wonder what your husband will think about this.” They may not be close enough to him to have a deep one-on-one conversation with him, but they still want him to get the information.

… once you know something, once you have been told something, and think about it, spend time pondering it, feel emotions about it, etc, it actually becomes a part of your very own life and existence. Because of this, many people want to be able to share this with their spouses, not because they think their spouses have a right to know things about other peoples lives, but because they cannot stand the thought of being forced to hide a part of themselves from their spouse.

This says it perfectly.

I suppose if I had a gloating husband who liked to gossip malevolently about my friends, or a maleficent husband who would hurt others using secret information, or friends who didn’t know and trust my husband completely, or friends who had dark dangerous secrets, or friends who for some reason wanted *me *to know weird intimate details but would be absolutely *mortified *if my husband were to know them too, I’d think differently.

But this is simply not true in our case. Most of the time when I see my friends, they actually come over and talk to us both. If I go out with them to discuss something of particular interest to us (like a specific poetry translation), they will drop by afterwards to say hi to my husband. If a problem was brought up, they will usually mention it again to my husband and ask for his (name removed by moderator)ut.

The very idea that there could be this barrier where I have to keep something from my husband saddens me. I’d feel like a spy on a mission in my own home, where we should be open and relaxed and ourselves.

When it comes to professional secrets, like doctor-patient confidentiality, there are two considerations:

1. it is illegal to share privileged information with anyone, so if I was a doctor, I’d abide by the law

BUT

1. doctors don’t really refuse to share ANYTHING about their cases. Neither do priests or psychologists. What they refuse to do is share someone’s case while including identifying information. Doctors and priests and psychologists relate to others and even publish things told them in confidence without revealing the patient’s/confessee’s/client’s name. I would refuse to treat friends and relatives and would probably share with my husband any case that weighed on me in non-identifying terms (i.e. “A client told me today that she was abusing her husband and I’m not sure how to proceed”). My husband certainly wouldn’t need to know her name for me to share what was weighing on me. Doctors and therapists write papers read by large numbers of people including this sort of relevant but non-identifying information.

 

[thewanderer]

This is the point I’ve been trying to make, not just about being a healthcare professional, but about being a friend. My “trustworthiness” can be legislated when it comes to strangers, but it shouldn’t be an issue when it comes to my friends. They should feel they can tell me anything without me telling another living soul. I don’t feel like I’m a good friend if I break someone’s trust by telling someone - even my husband - something they told me in confidence. Thankfully, my husband agrees with me on this point and would never ask me to betray a friend’s confidence. Nor would I him.

I guess here’s the thing though, if your friend tells you something knkowing full well that you might tell your husband you will in no way shape or form be breaking their trust by doing so. I really don’t think anyone here is advocating that someone promise to not tell another living soul and then go and break that promise by telling their spouse, but rather trying to help everyone realise that different people have different priorities and desires with respect to this kind of information sharing and we all need to be a little more understanding of that and learn to respect those who view this differently and treat them as they wish to be treated. In other words, if you have a friend who you know doesn’t want their thoughts shared with your husband you either accept their confidence and stay quiet or tell them that you just can’t accept the condition of promising to keep it hidden from your spouse. Those telling a secret, likewise, must be sure to warn the person they are speaking to before talking to them that they do not wish this to be shared with anyone, even with a spouse. Respect for each other is what is called for and treating others as you know they wish to be treated.

 

[sojo]

Sharing secrets with my husband is not something I like to do, nor do I feel it is the right thing to do in most circumstances. We may be joined in holy matrimony, but we do still have two brains and two hearts and what’s told to me in confidence is not owed to my husband.

But that said, I do share some secrets, often edited, if the secret is weighing heavy on my heart and affecting me emotionally. Because I do feel that is exactly what spouses are to be for each other - support, love, and guidance. I make sure he fully understands that I am betraying a confidence with him for very serious reasons and we both take this seriously. Its like a sacred trust that neither one of us would ever betray a secret shared by each other under such serious terms.

The other time I might share a secret is to protect the secret itself. Right now, I’m dealing with this uncomfortable issue. Friends of ours are married, both widow/widowers on their 2nd go round with their own families. As luck would have it, one of the woman’s grandchildren by her first marriage and her new husband just clicked. They are very, very close and the man feels closer to her than any of his other grandchildren of either family. they all live close by and the granddaughter and step-granddad do a lot of stuff together.

Well now, this lovely lady turns out to be gay. She is 16 years old, and has believed this for years. EVERYONE in the family, the entire community, the school, all the sisters, brothers and cousins know this. It is pretty obvious and she is not in the closet. The only one who doesn’t know it is… grandpa. He is an evangelical Christian, very involved in his church ministry, and he absolutely hates, abhors and fears gays. The teen has begged the family, including her grandma to tell grandpa the truth. But everyone refuses saying that this is her job to do. But she is 16 with all the other messes that such entails (and she has attempted suicide twice already), so it hasn’t happened yet. Everyone believes that grandpa HAS to know because it is so obvious. But he doesn’t seem to at all.

So… when Grandma shared this secret with me, and little sister to the gal shared the secret with me and that she wanted to do her own self in over the drama, and yet another family member shared the secret, and I found whole families discussing the dilemma at parties and such… I felt I NEEDED to share this with my husband. He could very easily hear and see everyone in the family, school, teachers (he knows a lot as he is a retired teacher from that district) talk about the gay grandkid hing like it is common knowledge. He could easily spill the beans unknowingly as he and grandpa (who is actually younger than my husband) coach Special Olympics together and socialize. I could so see my husband just assuming that his friend knew and being the one to start WWIII in the house, have the poor girl go for a 3rd attempt at suicide, etc. So the secret had to be shared, IMHO. He had to be warned as this is a family thing that they all need to work out in their own time.

But I do my mighty best not to gossip with my husband, and that is not always easy as we really do love to chat with each other, even after all these years.

 

[thewanderer]

The very idea that there could be this barrier where I have to keep something from my husband saddens me. I’d feel like a spy on a mission in my own home, where we should be open and relaxed and ourselves.

Yes, this is exactly what I am trying to explain.

 

[Litcrit]

… I really don’t think anyone here is advocating that someone promise to not tell another living soul and then go and break that promise by telling their spouse… if you have a friend who you know doesn’t want their thoughts shared with your husband you either accept their confidence and stay quiet or tell them that you just can’t accept the condition of promising to keep it hidden from your spouse. Those telling a secret, likewise, must be sure to warn the person they are speaking to before talking to them that they do not wish this to be shared with anyone, even with a spouse. Respect for each other is what is called for and treating others as you know they wish to be treated.

This is all that needed to be said on the issue. Communication is key.

 

[Catholic_Wife]

This entire thread reinforces why I DO NOT confide in others.

I guess here’s the thing though, if your friend tells you something knkowing full well that you might tell your husband you will in no way shape or form be breaking their trust by doing so

. I really don’t think anyone here is advocating that someone promise to not tell another living soul and then go and break that promise by telling their spouse, but rather trying to help everyone realise that different people have different priorities and desires with respect to this kind of information sharing and we all need to be a little more understanding of that and learn to respect those who view this differently and treat them as they wish to be treated. In other words, if you have a friend who you know doesn’t want their thoughts shared with your husband you either accept their confidence and stay quiet or tell them that you just can’t accept the condition of promising to keep it hidden from your spouse. Those telling a secret, likewise, must be sure to warn the person they are speaking to before talking to them that they do not wish this to be shared with anyone, even with a spouse. Respect for each other is what is called for and treating others as you know they wish to be treated.
Actually, my friends know that if they tell me something, I will not divulge the details to anyone - not even to my husband. So, if I do tell my husband what someone has told me it does break their trust. Neither my husband nor I feel anything is lacking in our marriage or that there is some sort of barrier between us because we don’t tell each other everything because we both agree that anything told to us in confidence is kept in confidence. For us, this is a matter of trustworthiness. He would actually trust me less to keep private things in our marriage private if I had the habit of divulging things others tell me to him. I’m sorry if this is a strange concept to you and others here.

[unsubscribing]

 

[thewanderer]

This entire thread reinforces why I DO NOT confide in others.

Actually, my friends know that if they tell me something, I will not divulge the details to anyone - not even to my husband. So, if I do tell my husband what someone has told me it does break their trust. Neither my husband nor I feel anything is lacking in our marriage or that there is some sort of barrier between us because we don’t tell each other everything because we both agree that anything told to us in confidence is kept in confidence. For us, this is a matter of trustworthiness. He would actually trust me less to keep private things in our marriage private if I had the habit of divulging things others tell me to him. I’m sorry if this is a strange concept to you and others here.

[unsubscribing]

And thats totally fine. For you guys and your marriage it is really important that you keep such confidence as secrets, for others it is really important that they not have to hide anything about their own lives with their husbands. I’m sorry if I came across as though I were claiming a marriage such as yours is somehow worse than one like Deb’s, I do realize, looking back, that speaking of an ‘ideal’ probably did sound like that, but, I guess I mean that it is an aspect of marriage that is extremely important to me, just as this definition of trustworthiness is so important for both you and your husband. Different people have different priorities, and thats totally fine, in fact, its a good thing. Neither way is better than the other, they are just different.