Do You Tell Other's Secrets to Your Spouse?

[KnitNut]

A sharer - comes home and yells from the door: “Honey! You won’t believe it! Deb has a crush on the boss, Lily’s period is late, and John is cheating on his wife! What’s new with you?”

I admit this made me chuckle - it sounds pretty much like the lobby of my preschooler’s dance studio! The little girls burst through the door with big smiles & wide-eyed excitement as they breathlessly relay at the top of their lungs some of the choicest gossip overheard from their parents’ conversations, without having a clue what they’re revealing! So if you’re a “sharer”, be sure you’re sharing where little ears aren’t listening, lest your private conversation become fodder for an entire troupe of “dance mothers”!

 

[LilyM]

I have never told my friends “I don’t tell my husband gossipy little private details.” I have repeatedly told my friends “I tell my husband everything.” How much clearer can I be?

The wolves? My gentle, discreet, taciturn, wise, wonderful husband is “the wolves”? Dangers? I just can’t even begin to grasp where you’re coming from and who might have hurt you with what terribly dangerous piece of information. But your world seems nothing like my world.

Wow.

Perhaps you are supposed to think that my friends, who are also our mutual friends, if and when they confide in me understand and gladly accept that it might well reach my nice and respected and trusted husband as well, in a respectful, friendly, loving conversation the two of us might have about the people we both love and respect, and that there are, of course, no “consequences.” That would be the charitable assumption.

Just like the charitable assumption on my part does not involve me imagining couples who don’t communicate with each other, thinking of each other as somehow the “enemy,” but share all sorts of intimate details from their marriages with their same-sex friends, because it won’t get out so it’s just fine. But I don’t assume that.

The charitable assumption is that even if your husband is Solomon reincarnated it doesn’t follow that people will want him to know everything that they tell you, and this doesn’t reflect badly on your husband.

See, even Solomon for all his wisdom was human, as we all are, with specific strengths and excellences. And so are you - and yours are different to your husband’s and so make you a better confidant for certain types of problem or issue than him. It sounds like you may be selling yourself short by presuming that no-one might find you preferable or better for some situations.

And another charitable assumption would be that by ‘consequences’ I mean there are consequences to both of you, not just to other people. You will lose, indeed already have probably lost, opportunities to help people who specifically want - maybe need - your help rather than his, because of your specific and unique strengths and excellences that he does not share, and who ought to have that help but do not seek it because you will insist on being free to tell him everything. This is truly a bad consequence for everyone. As Christians we should be loath to let a habit like unguarded speech stand in the way of opportunities for us to help others.

 

[KnitNut]

So people who talk too much are just the reason why you should not tell people your things.

I rather struggle with an issue alone than to reveal it to someone who can’t keep their mouth shut simply because of how they interpret “one with their spouse”.

You make an excellent point. The person with the “secret” needs to exercise their own discernment in sharing. Yes, it’s wrong to disclose to anyone else if I’ve promised not to disclose to anyone else. It’s also important for the original source to use caution in relaying information of a sensitive nature. Has the confidante earned the level of trust appropriate for the information being revealed?

One other criterion mentioned previously, worth repeating. Does the information I’m giving my spouse create a spiritual burden for them? If I share that “F’s wife” told me that her husband isn’t being supportive of her needs during cancer treatment (something I’m unable to verify, BTW), will sharing this unsubstantiated claim impact my husband’s perception of & interaction with this person? It could. I’m not challenging the woman’s perception of her own situation, but ought I repeat this unsubstantiated claim?

Here’s a snippet I found from an online search for “gossip Catholic catechism”. I was looking to see if the RC teaching on this situation was different than what my own confessor said…so here’s what I found. Please discuss.

2477: Respect for the reputation of persons forbids every attitude and word likely to cause (someone) unjust injury. He becomes guilty:
– of rash judgment who, even tacitly, assumes as true, without sufficient foundation, the moral fault of a neighbor;
– of detraction who, without objectively valid reason, discloses another’s faults and failings to persons who did not know them;
– of calumny who, by remarks contrary to the truth, harms the reputation of others and gives occasion for false judgments concerning them.

2488: The right to the communication of the truth is not unconditional. Everyone must conform his life to the gospel precept of fraternal love. This requires us in concrete situations to judge whether or not it is appropriate to reveal the truth to someone who asks for it.

2492: Everyone should observe an appropriate reserve concerning persons’ private lives. Those in charge of communications should maintain a fair balance between the requirements of the common good and respect for individual rights. Interference by the media in the private lives of persons engaged in political or public activity is to be condemned to the extent that it infringes upon their privacy and freedom.

ETA - here’s the link for this citation.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

And another charitable assumption would be that by ‘consequences’ I mean there are consequences to both of you, not just to other people. You will lose, indeed already have probably lost, opportunities to help people who specifically want - maybe need - your help rather than his, because of your specific and unique strengths and excellences that he does not share, and who ought to have that help but do not seek it because you will insist on being free to tell him everything. This is truly a bad consequence for everyone. As Christians we should be loath to let a habit like unguarded speech stand in the way of opportunities for us to help others.

This has been the point that I have been trying to emphasize.

However, I apologize to any posters who I got a little confrontational with, it was not my intent to be so harsh.

 

[Litcrit]

And another charitable assumption would be that by ‘consequences’ I mean there are consequences to both of you, not just to other people. You will lose, indeed already have probably lost, opportunities to help people who specifically want - maybe need - your help rather than his, because of your specific and unique strengths and excellences that he does not share, and who ought to have that help but do not seek it because you will insist on being free to tell him everything. This is truly a bad consequence for everyone. As Christians we should be loath to let a habit like unguarded speech stand in the way of opportunities for us to help others.

My friends have other friends they can confide in if they don’t want my husband to know something. The two of us don’t have other spouses.

An analogy to this would be: I have certainly lost many opportunities to help friends and acquaintances in many different ways since I got married because I was instead spending time at home with my family, taking care of my children, nurturing these primary relationships. I don’t necessarily see this as a bad thing, though.

 

[PatriceA]

My friends have other friends they can confide in if they don’t want my husband to know something. The two of us don’t have other spouses.

An analogy to this would be: I have certainly lost many opportunities to help friends and acquaintances in many different ways since I got married because I was instead spending time at home with my family, taking care of my children, nurturing these primary relationships. I don’t necessarily see this as a bad thing, though.

Same here. I don’t think some in this thread understand that not everyone wants or desires the same type of friendship. Not everyone wants a marriage that the spouses share information about friends. Ones that do, are not superior to the ones that don’t. Its just a personal preference, same with creating a social circle of friends. I don’t want the type of friends that ask me to not share things with my spouse. To insist that we all have to have the same type of friendships and marriages is ridiculous.

 

[LilyM]

My friends have other friends they can confide in if they don’t want my husband to know something. The two of us don’t have other spouses.

Just like your husband, these ‘other friends’ do not share your unique strengths and excellences. You are not all interchangeable, y’know!

An analogy to this would be: I have certainly lost many opportunities to help friends and acquaintances in many different ways since I got married because I was instead spending time at home with my family, taking care of my children, nurturing these primary relationships. I don’t necessarily see this as a bad thing, though.

The analogy does not hold. It is a necessary part of having a family to spend time with them, take care of them and so on. It is not by any means a necessary part of being married to insist to your friends on being free to tell your husband anything that you take it into your head to tell him.

A more appropriate analogy would be if you insisted on never seeing your friends unless your husband came along with you when you did so. I assume you do occasionally see your friends alone and without him?

 

[Litcrit]

I don’t want the type of friends that ask me to not share things with my spouse.

Agreed.

I don’t automatically owe it to anyone who would want to be an intimate friend of mine and confide in me - *provided *I didn’t share things with my husband - to actually be their close friend and listen to their secrets.

These people - I presume women, because stress here has been on same-sex friendships - will naturally gravitate towards those women who will be happy to create very intimate friendships where private things are mutually shared and assumed not to be shared with the husbands.

I don’t have a desire for this particular kind of friendship. My husband is also my best and most intimate friend. We do have other friends we both love and respect and sometimes see one-on-one, but it is understood that our relationship is primary and most intimate in every way.

 

[KnitNut]

There are occasions where one is legally or professionally bound to keep secrets, and the “system” there is that if my other half actually wants to know, the secret is hers - the ball is in her court, and she has complete control/discretion over that secrecy.

In reality it makes not a tiny bit of difference if we know each other’s secrets - which we mostly do.

Whoa, wait, what?! Violating your military oath and revealing classified information (even to a spouse) is not only a crime but also endangers others safety & security. She’s not the one with the burden of the oath, and she’s certainly not entitled to the info. As a citizen, this one really bothers me…treason is treason.

A doctor or lawyer revealing confidential information is likewise violating an oath, I believe it may be a crime (any lawyers here to chime in?) and revealing serious ethical shortcomings. Again, a spouse is not entitled to this information no matter how curious one might be…and the spouse has no legal burden to maintain confidentiality. I don’t think nurses/ancilliary providers take an oath, per se, but they are required by law (and probably the licensing agency of their profession) to maintain confidentiality, period.

These are not “relative” issues. It’s very black & white…no matter how “nice” and “well-intentioned” and “trustworthy” the spouse may be. Honestly, of all the categories mentioned in this lengthy thread, I can’t believe that this is even up for debate.

 

[LilyM]

Same here. I don’t think some in this thread understand that not everyone wants or desires the same type of friendship. Not everyone wants a marriage that the spouses share information about friends. Ones that do, are not superior to the ones that don’t. Its just a personal preference, same with creating a social circle of friends. I don’t want the type of friends that ask me to not share things with my spouse. To insist that we all have to have the same type of friendships and marriages is ridiculous.

Sometimes it’s not about what you want, but what the people around you need. And guess what - different people need different things from you.

See, not only do we not all have to have the same type of friendships and marriages, none of us needs to treat all our friends the exact same way either. They aren’t interchangeable cookie-cutter people.

We don’t even necessarily need to behave in exactly the same way to our husbands all the time either.

Flexibility and variety - the spice of life, including friendships and marriages!

 

[Litcrit]

Just like your husband, these ‘other friends’ do not share your unique strengths and excellences. You are not all interchangeable, y’know!

But they don’t have a right to a relationship I’m not comfortable with, in which I’d have to keep things from my husband.

The analogy does not hold. It is a necessary part of having a family to spend time with them, take care of them and so on. It is not by any means a necessary part of being married to insist to your friends on being free to tell your husband anything that you take it into your head to tell him.

A more appropriate analogy would be if you insisted on never seeing your friends unless your husband came along with you when you did so. I assume you do occasionally see your friends alone and without him?

It is a matter of degrees, not absolutes, so I believe the analogy holds. How much time am I required to spend with my family? How much of their internal world do spouses ideally share with each other? People disagree on this. People have different personal priorities.

Some people continue to spend a great deal of time helping friends and acquaintances and strangers and volunteering after they’re married and have children. Some spouses don’t mind. It’s not objectively wrong. It’s charitable and people get helped. It’s difficult to draw a line in the sand and claim that *this *is where you’ve spent too little time with your family and too much time helping others.

It’s really the same with sharing. It’s *neither *necessary to share everything with your spouse *nor *is it required that we have the kinds of friendships where it is assumed that everything said would never be shared with the spouses.

As long as all the partied involved know what the deal is and are satisfied with this, there’s nothing objectively wrong with any of these arrangements.

 

[PatriceA]

Sometimes it’s not about what you want, but what the people around you need. And guess what - different people need different things from you.

See, not only do we not all have to have the same type of friendships and marriages, none of us needs to treat all our friends the exact same way either. They aren’t interchangeable cookie-cutter people.

We don’t even necessarily need to behave in exactly the same way to our husbands all the time either.

Flexibility and variety - the spice of life, including friendships and marriages!

And that’s what you want in YOUR life, you can’t say what I want or need. You can’t say what my circle of friends want or need. Only they can and we have talked about this subject from time to time and WE all agree to conduct ourselves in our friendships the way WE see fit. You can’t speak for me or my friends anymore than I can say YOU must share everything with your spouse and your friends are just going to have to accept that. I have built my relationships with much prayer and discretion, why can’t you just accept that people are going to relate the way they see best and it may not be what you seek in your friendships in real life? You are absolutely trying to make everyone’s friendships the same as yours, you are not letting those of us that share things with our spouses have that kind of variety or flexibility that we prefer in our relationships with our friends and spouses. You are insisting your way is the only way.

 

[LilyM]

Agreed.

I don’t automatically owe it to anyone who would want to be an intimate friend of mine and confide in me - *provided *I didn’t share things with my husband - to actually be their close friend and listen to their secrets.

These people - I presume women, because stress here has been on same-sex friendships - will naturally gravitate towards those women who will be happy to create very intimate friendships where private things are mutually shared and assumed not to be shared with the husbands.

I don’t have a desire for this particular kind of friendship. My husband is also my best and most intimate friend. We do have other friends we both love and respect and sometimes see one-on-one, but it is understood that our relationship is primary and most intimate in every way.

You don’t owe it to people to be their close friend and listen to them?

Well, there is that little bit of scripture where Our Lord said ‘whatever you fail to do to the least of these my brothers, that you fail to do to me.’ I know it always gives me pause for thought when I’m tempted to back away from a person or a situation just because they or it are not congenial to my tastes.

See it’s always very easy and pleasant to only befriend people who think just like us, behave just like us, who ‘get’ and approve of us, who never challenge us or make demands of us or even hint that we might need to do some growing and changing. But is that going to get us - or them - to heaven? That is the question.

 

[Anglewannabe]

For me a secret means tell no one. That includes hubby. Am I wrong in thinking this way?

No, you are actually being very respectful to the people who confide in you

 

[PatriceA]

You don’t owe it to people to be their close friend and listen to them?

Well, there is that little bit of scripture where Our Lord said ‘whatever you fail to do to the least of these my brothers, that you fail to do to me.’ I know it always gives me pause for thought when I’m tempted to back away from a person or a situation just because they or it are not congenial to my tastes.

See it’s always very easy and pleasant to only befriend people who think just like us, behave just like us, who ‘get’ and approve of us, who never challenge us or make demands of us or even hint that we might need to do some growing and changing. But is that going to get us - or them - to heaven? That is the question.

You don’t have friends that don’t share secrets? You don’t have friends based on mutual interests and hobbies where you aren’t constantly being each other’s confidant? I know I do. There is more than one way to help a friend in need than just being their confidant as well. I don’t back away from people that are different from me, but I’m also not required to be super close to all the people I consider friends in my life or I meet day to day. I have various degrees of friendships with various needs but not every one of them is telling me their deepest dark secrets where there is no need to. We do not owe that level of intimacy with all people in our lives. Not every friendship is going to develop to that level.

 

[ephesians4]

Whoa, wait, what?! Violating your military oath and revealing classified information (even to a spouse) is not only a crime but also endangers others safety & security. She’s not the one with the burden of the oath, and she’s certainly not entitled to the info. As a citizen, this one really bothers me…treason is treason.

A doctor or lawyer revealing confidential information is likewise violating an oath, I believe it may be a crime (any lawyers here to chime in?) and revealing serious ethical shortcomings. Again, a spouse is not entitled to this information no matter how curious one might be…and the spouse has no legal burden to maintain confidentiality. I don’t think nurses/ancilliary providers take an oath, per se, but they are required by law (and probably the licensing agency of their profession) to maintain confidentiality, period.

With respect, I feel you make several big assumptions here.

I understand the potential consequences of being candid if it is demanded despite professional confidence, as does my other half, she has never put me in such a bad situation - and I trust that she never would. Least of all reasons through curiosity.

If, after all, she were not capable of such discretion, I like to think I would not have given her the right to ask almost anything of me, by my consent and by my promise to God. Let alone trusted her to bear and care for my children!

 

[Litcrit]

You don’t owe it to people to be their close friend and listen to them?

Well, there is that little bit of scripture where Our Lord said ‘whatever you fail to do to the least of these my brothers, that you fail to do to me.’ I know it always gives me pause for thought when I’m tempted to back away from a person or a situation just because they or it are not congenial to my tastes.

See it’s always very easy and pleasant to only befriend people who think just like us, behave just like us, who ‘get’ and approve of us, who never challenge us or make demands of us or even hint that we might need to do some growing and changing. But is that going to get us - or them - to heaven? That is the question.

We are not *required *by charity to be close and intimate with everyone who wants this from us - especially if their idea of closeness is predicated on violating our boundaries and values and priorities in our relationships with our spouses.

Another analogy: say I worked full time and it was my personal priority to put my children to bed every night. Say there was a female coworker who insisted on having drinks with me every Friday night so she could confide in me and share with me and divulge secrets. Say she wanted this from me, and not any of the other women at work. Would I be morally *required *to forgo what I personally see as important (though it is not a moral requirement either) in my relationship with my family so I could give her the kind of friendship she wants?

 

[shipwrkd]

Whoa, wait, what?! Violating your military oath and revealing classified information (even to a spouse) is not only a crime but also endangers others safety & security. She’s not the one with the burden of the oath, and she’s certainly not entitled to the info. As a citizen, this one really bothers me…treason is treason.

A doctor or lawyer revealing confidential information is likewise violating an oath, I believe it may be a crime (any lawyers here to chime in?) and revealing serious ethical shortcomings. Again, a spouse is not entitled to this information no matter how curious one might be…and the spouse has no legal burden to maintain confidentiality. I don’t think nurses/ancilliary providers take an oath, per se, but they are required by law (and probably the licensing agency of their profession) to maintain confidentiality, period.

These are not “relative” issues. It’s very black & white…no matter how “nice” and “well-intentioned” and “trustworthy” the spouse may be. Honestly, of all the categories mentioned in this lengthy thread, I can’t believe that this is even up for debate.

I’m not a lawyer but my brother in law is a CPA and in charge of other peoples financial information. To all those that believe in sharing everything with their spouse, would you want him telling his wife your net worth? For him to do so is unethical. He took an oath to keep that info to himself. Wouldn’t breaking that oath, even to his wife, be sinful?

 

[Debora123]

Really again??? You think it would be ideal if doctors were allowed to share their patients conditions with their spouses? There’s a doctor I’m never going to that’s for sure…

I do. Want me to repeat that one more time?

 

[Debora123]

I have never told my friends “I don’t tell my husband gossipy little private details.” I have repeatedly told my friends “I tell my husband everything.” How much clearer can I be?

The wolves? My gentle, discreet, taciturn, wise, wonderful husband is “the wolves”? Dangers? I just can’t even begin to grasp where you’re coming from and who might have hurt you with what terribly dangerous piece of information. But your world seems nothing like my world.

Wow.

Perhaps you are supposed to think that my friends, who are also our mutual friends, if and when they confide in me understand and gladly accept that it might well reach my nice and respected and trusted husband as well, in a respectful, friendly, loving conversation the two of us might have about the people we both love and respect, and that there are, of course, no “consequences.” That would be the charitable assumption.

Just like the charitable assumption on my part does not involve me imagining couples who don’t communicate with each other, thinking of each other as somehow the “enemy,” but share all sorts of intimate details from their marriages with their same-sex friends, because it won’t get out so it’s just fine. But I don’t assume that.