Do You Tell Other's Secrets to Your Spouse?

[Debora123]

Same here. I don’t think some in this thread understand that not everyone wants or desires the same type of friendship. Not everyone wants a marriage that the spouses share information about friends. Ones that do, are not superior to the ones that don’t. Its just a personal preference, same with creating a social circle of friends. I don’t want the type of friends that ask me to not share things with my spouse. To insist that we all have to have the same type of friendships and marriages is ridiculous.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

I do. Want me to repeat that one more time?

I’m surprised because I usually agree with you so much. But I think you’re off your rocker on this one, and I’m glad you aren’t a doctor. Very glad.

 

[Debora123]

And that’s what you want in YOUR life, you can’t say what I want or need. You can’t say what my circle of friends want or need. Only they can and we have talked about this subject from time to time and WE all agree to conduct ourselves in our friendships the way WE see fit. You can’t speak for me or my friends anymore than I can say YOU must share everything with your spouse and your friends are just going to have to accept that. I have built my relationships with much prayer and discretion, why can’t you just accept that people are going to relate the way they see best and it may not be what you seek in your friendships in real life? You are absolutely trying to make everyone’s friendships the same as yours, you are not letting those of us that share things with our spouses have that kind of variety or flexibility that we prefer in our relationships with our friends and spouses. You are insisting your way is the only way.

Yep.

 

[Bookcat]

Secrets are secrets.

Not something for generally for ones spouse.

(One can though ask the person – do you mind my wife knows of this?)

The Theologian Fr. John Hardon explains in the Modern Catholic Dictionary (or rather defines for us):

Secret: catholicreference.net/index.cfm?id=36360

Natural Secret: catholicreference.net/index.cfm?id=35065

Promised Secret: catholicreference.net/index.cfm?id=35835

Entrusted Secret: catholicreference.net/index.cfm?id=33336

 

[Debora123]

I’m surprised because I usually agree with you so much. But I think you’re off your rocker on this one, and I’m glad you aren’t a doctor. Very glad.

I said I would keep confidence if I were a doctor, since doing so is the law. Sooo what’s the problem?

And yes, apparently we have different views on communication in marriages. At least I’m sitting here saying there is no right or wrong in this case, as opposed to a couple other posters who keep insisting their way is the only way.

 

[Bookcat]

Secrets are secrets.

The fact that one is married does not mean one may reveal secrets to ones spouse.

(One can though ask the person – do you mind my wife knows of this?)

The Theologian Fr. John Hardon explains in the Modern Catholic Dictionary (or rather defines for us) --including how the morally bind:

Secret: catholicreference.net/index.cfm?id=36360

Natural Secret: catholicreference.net/index.cfm?id=35065

Promised Secret: catholicreference.net/index.cfm?id=35835

Entrusted Secret: catholicreference.net/index.cfm?id=33336

 

[shipwrkd]

This thread is starting to look like one on gun control. There are good people who would never touch a gun and there are good people who will only give them up when they are pried from their cold dead hand. There are those who would share everything with their spouse and those that would share nothing. The reality of both is probably somewhere in the middle.

IMHO, neither stand is healthy. Feeling the need to share everything shows a lack of trust in a marriage as does keeping everything a secret. A balanced marriage should involve sharing but it should also be strong enough to bear the weight of some secretiveness. Perhaps those that feel the need to share everything “as one” are not as close as they think.:twocents:

 

[BlueEyedLady]

This thread is starting to look like one on gun control. There are good people who would never touch a gun and there are good people who will only give them up when they are pried from their cold dead hand. There are those who would share everything with their spouse and those that would share nothing. The reality of both is probably somewhere in the middle.

IMHO, neither stand is healthy. Feeling the need to share everything shows a lack of trust in a marriage as does keeping everything a secret. A balanced marriage should involve sharing but it should also be strong enough to bear the weight of some secretiveness. Perhaps those that feel the need to share everything “as one” are not as close as they think.:twocents:

Shows a lack of trust how? I think that you are making some pretty big assumptions about other people’s marriages based on one little thing about them.

It would be easy for me to come on here and say that people who don’t share don’t have trust, aren’t open, and could work on their communication. But I haven’t because even though they are doing things in a way I wouldn’t want to I have no basis for those assumptions.

 

[Baelor]

@BlueEyedLady: Do you not realize that you are advocating sinful behavior, i.e. lying? Your posts are in direct conflict with Catholic teaching. The course of action that you have espoused here is incompatible with Christ-like behavior.

You said the following:

If they told me not to tell anyone I would agree and still tell my fiance if it came up. If they told me not to tell anyone even him then I’d tell them they don’t have a right to make such a request and tell them not to continue.

That is lying. “Not to tell anyone” means, unambiguously unless it has been previously specified, “not to tell anyone.” If you agree to that, you cannot tell anyone else, including your spouse. To do so is sinning.

I don’t see the potential for embarrassment. They would never know that he knew. Part of having a relationship in which you share everything is having a very trustworthy spouse.

That is not the issue. The issue is that you are divulging what you have forfeited the right to divulge. The sin lies there. The sin occurs when you do something that constitutes a lie.

 

[Baelor]

@thewanderer:

I really don’t think anyone here is advocating that someone promise to not tell another living soul and then go and break that promise by telling their spouse

Uh…there are indeed posters advocating this. Please read my post above this one. What is terrifying is that some posters here actually find that acceptable.

 

[shipwrkd]

Shows a lack of trust how? I think that you are making some pretty big assumptions about other people’s marriages based on one little thing about them.

It would be easy for me to come on here and say that people who don’t share don’t have trust, aren’t open, and could work on their communication. But I haven’t because even though they are doing things in a way I wouldn’t want to I have no basis for those assumptions.

Just sayin…take it or leave it.

 

[PatriceA]

Just sayin…take it or leave it.

Since you’re so quick to make assumptions about people posting here and their marriages, why don’t you share what you expect in your friendships and marriage, if you are married. I don’t think I’ve seen you share how you communicate with your friends, how you protect their secrets… all I’ve seen you do is confront and judge other posters.

 

[Bookcat]

Secrets are secrets.

The fact that one is married does not mean one may reveal secrets to ones spouse.

(One can though ask the person – do you mind my wife knows of this?)

The Theologian Fr. John Hardon explains in the Modern Catholic Dictionary (or rather defines for us) --including how the morally bind:

Secret: catholicreference.net/index.cfm?id=36360

Natural Secret: catholicreference.net/index.cfm?id=35065

Promised Secret: catholicreference.net/index.cfm?id=35835

Entrusted Secret: catholicreference.net/index.cfm?id=33336

This is* not about having a marriage where one shares everything with ones spouse *-- such is simply not something I see as an option when it comes to secrets. Marriage does not give one the right to betray another’s secret.

Yes certainly much can be shared…but secrets are secrets …and just as in other areas of the Christian moral life marriage does not give an exemption from the moral law – neither do I see that it does here.

People have a right to their secrets. Be they entrusted, promised or natural.

 

[PRmerger]

If they told me not to tell anyone I would agree and still tell my fiance if it came up.

You and your fiance are not married. You are not One. You are not One Flesh.

If being engaged gives you the right to tell someone’s deepest secrets, where does this end? Can I tell my roommate something told to me in confidence? Can I tell my co-workers? What about my dearest friend?

I can see how people might assume that a married couple will share secrets, but that’s because they are, well, married. United. One.

Engaged? Nope. You are not married, and ought not enjoy the benefits of being married. Until you are.

 

[7armyrugrats]

Sometimes silence is an act of love. Even between spouses.

What has happened to common sence? Some things NEED to be told, MOST things do not. If someone needs to know something, tell them. If they don’t need to know, what’s the point in talking? There is a point when communication turns into gossip.

My dad was an MP and then he joined the local police Dept. He was a detective. My mom worked in the medical field. They had a very close relationship and shared everything–but they did not reveal secrets or info that was not necessary. My husband CAN NOT tell me most of what goes on during his day. There have been many times, especially over the last 8 years, that I don’t even know where he is or when I will talk to him or when he will be home. Do you think I want to waste time on how many autistic meltdowns our son has had in the last week since we last spoke, or should I spend that time letting him know how much the kids and I love and appreciate him. I certainly don’t feel the need to let him know what our neighbor is up to next door or who is getting divorced now. And NEVER would I reveal the things my fellow Army wives have told me in confidence. If they can not lean on me, and I can’t lean on them, we would be lost and so would our kids.

What things NEED to be told? Anonymous prayer requests, suicide attempts, upcoming surgeries, something that affects you both, and other extreme circumstances. Why waste precious time and energy on rehashing the days events? It is pointless and unnecessary. I can’t see how it creates bonding, but it obviously creates division. If there is trust between spouses then there is no reason that anyone should have to account for EVERYTHING. Besides, there are so many things that I would rather put behind me and not relive again. Why subject my husband to the pain of knowing every hard or bad thing that occurs when he’s not here? He has enough problems of his own. This is not secrecy or deception. We have no need to hide anything from one another, so there is no need to reveal everything either. If one of us asks a question it is answered truthfully. In the case of my husband, sometimes the answer he gives me is that he can’t tell me yet.

But I do realize most couples do share everything. I used to envy them. I thought that I wanted a marriage like that. God blessed me differently. For me it is for the best because I appreciate much more the times we have together and the MEANINGFUL conversations we have. Talking more isn’t necessarily communicating better. Sharing “everything” doesn’t equate knowing each other better.

 

[shipwrkd]

Since you’re so quick to make assumptions about people posting here and their marriages, why don’t you share what you expect in your friendships and marriage, if you are married. I don’t think I’ve seen you share how you communicate with your friends, how you protect their secrets… all I’ve seen you do is confront and judge other posters.

I think I’ve made my position clear. My marriage of 42 years is based on trust. We trust each other enough that we don’t need to know every secret that’s been told to each other. How I communicate with my friends is not what this thread is about, it’s how and what I communicate with my wife. I’m not judging anyone, just wondering why some feel the need to share every detail with one’s spouse.Best read what Baelor has to say about it from a moral standpoint.

 

[thewanderer]

@thewanderer:

Uh…there are indeed posters advocating this. Please read my post above this one. What is terrifying is that some posters here actually find that acceptable.

Ok, I was wrong, there was one poster who advocated this. What is the point of bringing up the fact that I was wrong about this?

Besides which fact, it is quite possible that just as when some people hear “don’t spread this around” they assume that their husband is an exception when some people hear “don’t tell anyone” they assume the other person has not excluded their husband. In which case it is not a matter of malice but of miscommunication, which is where the point about the importance for respect, charity, and communication comes in.

 

[PatriceA]

I think I’ve made my position clear. My marriage of 42 years is based on trust. We trust each other enough that we don’t need to know every secret that’s been told to each other. How I communicate with my friends is not what this thread is about, it’s how and what I communicate with my wife. I’m not judging anyone, I’m not judging anyone, just wondering why some feel the need to share every detail with one’s spouse.Best read what Baelor has to say about i from a moral standpoint.

Actually its about friends AND spouses and how we communicate with them if you go back and reread the OP. And yes you did judge people that are posting in this thread and their marriages by assuming that since you don’t share as much with your spouse as some are saying they do, those that are sharing must not be as close to their spouse as they think they are.

 

[thewanderer]

This is not about having a marriage where one shares everything with ones spouse – such is simply not an option when it comes to secrets. Marriage does not give one the right to betray another’s secret.

Yes certainly much can be shared…but secrets are secrets —and just as in other areas of the Christian moral life marriage does not give an exemption from the moral law – neither does it here.

I have to ask… have you been following this conversation where people (with one possible exception) have not been advocating telling things to their husband that they have promised to keep a secret from him? If your friend gives you permission to tell your spouse how in the world is it wrong to tell your spouse? Its not. So please stop insinuating that people in general on this thread are advocating something immoral. If you have a problem with a particular poster then please respond to that particular poster, but by posting something in general you make it appear as though you believe it is the general consensus of people advocating sharing confidential information with their spouses to do so against the will of the person sharing this information with them. That is not at all the general consensus here.

 

[PatriceA]

Sometimes silence is an act of love. Even between spouses.

What has happened to common sence? Some things NEED to be told, MOST things do not. If someone needs to know something, tell them. If they don’t need to know, what’s the point in talking? There is a point when communication turns into gossip.

My dad was an MP and then he joined the local police Dept. He was a detective. My mom worked in the medical field. They had a very close relationship and shared everything–but they did not reveal secrets or info that was not necessary. My husband CAN NOT tell me most of what goes on during his day. There have been many times, especially over the last 8 years, that I don’t even know where he is or when I will talk to him or when he will be home. Do you think I want to waste time on how many autistic meltdowns our son has had in the last week since we last spoke, or should I spend that time letting him know how much the kids and I love and appreciate him. I certainly don’t feel the need to let him know what our neighbor is up to next door or who is getting divorced now. And NEVER would I reveal the things my fellow Army wives have told me in confidence. If they can not lean on me, and I can’t lean on them, we would be lost and so would our kids.

What things NEED to be told? Anonymous prayer requests, suicide attempts, upcoming surgeries, something that affects you both, and other extreme circumstances. Why waste precious time and energy on rehashing the days events? It is pointless and unnecessary. I can’t see how it creates bonding, but it obviously creates division. If there is trust between spouses then there is no reason that anyone should have to account for EVERYTHING. Besides, there are so many things that I would rather put behind me and not relive again. Why subject my husband to the pain of knowing every hard or bad thing that occurs when he’s not here? He has enough problems of his own. This is not secrecy or deception. We have no need to hide anything from one another, so there is no need to reveal everything either. If one of us asks a question it is answered truthfully. In the case of my husband, sometimes the answer he gives me is that he can’t tell me yet.

But I do realize most couples do share everything. I used to envy them. I thought that I wanted a marriage like that. God blessed me differently. For me it is for the best because I appreciate much more the times we have together and the MEANINGFUL conversations we have. Talking more isn’t necessarily communicating better. Sharing “everything” doesn’t equate knowing each other better.

I don’t understand where people are getting the idea that to say one share everything with their spouse means one tells them every detail about every conversation they have with every friend or loved one they talk to every single day. Its not what is meant by “sharing everything”, but that there is nothing that can not be talked about if the need or topic comes up in a conversation with a spouse. It means I’m not going to say to my husband if he asks specifically about a friend or situation, sorry honey I’ve got to keep secrets from you. It doesn’t mean we’re practically foaming at the mouths to disclose all the details about our friends lives as soon as he opens his mouth to start a conversation. It just means for me at least, I don’t want to say I have to keep a secret from him.